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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go over mil's head to give sil advice?

233 replies

CuteFeet · 15/08/2013 23:06

Sil had her first baby yesterday. She's having some problems breastfeeding and is quite young and inexperienced. Her mum had several children, some of whom she breastfed and so on the surface is encouraging of breastfeeding. However obviously her own experience was a long time ago. I'm still feeding my toddler who mil thinks is overly clingy and she blames breastfeeding for that and I think, hopefully inadvertently, she may be discouraging her daughter from breastfeeding to prevent this with new grandchild. She keeps telling her that feeding method is irrelevant as long as baby is happy, she gave baby a bottle when sil was sleeping the first night, she had bought the bottles and they're a fast flow teat which obviously won't help breastfeeding etc. I've breastfed all my kids and worked as a peer supporter, I know how fab breastfeeding can be and know sil really wanted to do it - AIBU to go over mil's head and offer completely contradictory advice to sil?

OP posts:
Maybe83 · 16/08/2013 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JenaiMorris · 16/08/2013 10:17

I don't see the problem with that link, Curlew.

Seems to me they're acknowledging the value of breast milk

kali110 · 16/08/2013 10:28

What if sil doesnt want to bf?

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper · 16/08/2013 10:31

SaucyJack, again, how and where are you getting that the OP has some sort of 'agenda'?

What are you reading in her posts, that I am not?

Where are you drawing your comparison with the Gestapo from? I simply don't see it, and think you are being extremely a bit over the top, if I'm honest.

midori1999 · 16/08/2013 10:35

Seriously, it might not seem it to some of you now, but once you're over the PFB baby stage you'll soon realise that there's a whole wide world of things that are far more interesting than how other women feed their babies. Promise.

How patronising?

Luckily, some of us are interested enough in how other women feed their babies to give our time for free in order to support them in their choices regarding that.

Nothing to do with being PFB either, I'm pregnant with baby no.7... Hmm

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper · 16/08/2013 10:39

From the OP...

I've breastfed all my kids and worked as a peer supporter, I know how fab breastfeeding can be and know sil really wanted to do it - AIBU to go over mil's head and offer completely contradictory advice to sil?

Yes, this is indeed quite comparable to genocide / mass murder / the holocaust. I see where you're coming from.

adagio · 16/08/2013 10:39

Saucy I am definitely not in the breastapo camp.

I don't give a shit how anyone feeds their kids, but I don't like being judged or labelled for breastfeeding, and there seems to be just as many (if not more) people who claim to be pro choice but actually do their level best to label anyone who does breast feeding as an evangelical do gooder who wants to ram their choice down every new mothers neck.

I am the one who is embarrassed and ashamed to feed the baby when I am out because I am worried about being judged. We stay in a lot.

I struggled in the early days to get it working and needed support. I think the OP reaching out is a nice gesture, which the SIL can always ignore.

I have also now realised how much formula costs and I am gobsmacked anyone can afford it - but that is a different issue.

AllSWornOut · 16/08/2013 10:39

I hope you send that text too. She can take it or leave it but with my first I was totally lost and appreciated every single offer of help, whether or not I took them up on it or not.

pongping · 16/08/2013 10:44

Agree with minifingers.

And I wouldn't necessarily disagree with both keeping out of it, but obviously the MIL isn't going to, so I think it's entirely reasonable for the OP to counterbalance that with some actual facts that will support SIL if she wants to breastfeed.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper · 16/08/2013 10:49

The fact of the matter is that new mothers may well (or not) need (some level of) mental support to make the switch to bottle/formula feeding.

Whereas breastfeeders almost certainly do need some level of physical support and guidance to get breastfeeding established. It can be really tricky, and it's almost impossible to get it properly established all by yourself.

However, it would seem, there's an awful lot of people out there that would prefer women who wish to breastfeed to just struggle on by themselves, and figure it out alone. Confused That any attempt to reach out and offer support can - and must - only be interpreted as 'pushing an agenda' and putting pressure on a new mum.

Why is this? It's wrong and harmful.

curlew · 16/08/2013 10:51

It's a fucking text. A kind and supportive text to a member of the family. A offer of support and help.

Over reaction, much?

LongTailedTit · 16/08/2013 11:03

Def send the text.
I wouldn't call a woman with a newborn in a million years tho! IIRC there is no such thing as a good time to ring with a newborn!
Texts were great, I had my phone on silent so they didn't disturb either of us, and I could reply or not at my own pace.

I see no agenda, just a SIL wanting to help.
If you word it carefully there is no need to worry about her thinking you're interfering.
I found it hard to ask for help in the early day, felt so incompetent. If you leave the door open, she can come to you in her own time.

JenaiMorris · 16/08/2013 11:42

If the OP hadn't complained that mil ' keeps telling her that feeding method is irrelevant' I'd be sympathetic.

Text, OP, but please don't make out that it's an utter tragedy if sil doesn't bf.

WorraLiberty · 16/08/2013 12:09

Mumsnet is full of women saying "Oh, I really wanted to bf, but I tried for 3 days and it didn't work" Absolutely fine if they didn't want to, but really sad if they did, and didn't get the support they needed.

Yes but reading between the lines, I'm sure some of them say that to keep the breastapo off their backs.

On some threads I've read over the years, admitting you didn't breast feed because you didn't want to, has produced the same horrified reaction as admitting to smoking during pregnancy or weaning at 3 months.

I'm sure there will be some who really did try for 3 days and couldn't manage, but there will also be some who just don't want to say they chose not to.

In the case of OP's SIL, it's possible that she left her Mum to bottle feed her newborn because she actually wants to bottle feed...but doesn't want to tell the OP that.

curlew · 16/08/2013 12:15

Pleasedon't say "breastapo^. It makes any sensible discussion impossible.

WorraLiberty · 16/08/2013 12:21

I think breastapo is the perfect description of people who force their breast feeding agendas down other women's throats.

Sorry, but I won't be changing my thoughts on that any time soon Grin

IneedAsockamnesty · 16/08/2013 12:35

I don't care how anyone feeds there own baby.

What I do care about is someone's own choices being sabotaged.

Its quite unusual to be able to do that with ff and I should imagine doing so would take a fair bit of creativity and possible broken laws, but very frequently happens with bf and very very easy to do with almost no imagination at all.

Unfortunately sabotage efforts work very well when you trust the person doing it.

Minifingers · 16/08/2013 12:41

Worra - what constitutes 'forcing a breastfeeding agenda down someone's throat' in your book?

Offering advice on how to avoid trouble to an inexperienced mum who is breastfeeding?

Hmm

OP - do you see how your actions may be interpreted in the worst possible light?

Stay away, I tell ya!

curlew · 16/08/2013 12:43

Two things. 1) do you see nothing at all tasteless about referencing the Gestapo in this context? You do know who the Gestapo were, don't you? And 2) "I think breastapo is the perfect description of people who force their breast feeding agendas down other women's throats." Who is doing this?

Minifingers · 16/08/2013 12:49

I've been on mumsnet way too long a long time. Where are all these threads where women are brutally slagged off for choosing not to breastfeed?

I must have missed them.

The attitudes to not breastfeeding on breastfeeding threads seems to me to divvy up like this:

90% - I don't give a flying fuck how you feed your baby.
8% - I respect your right to choose not to breastfeed but I think it's a real shame that so many baby's don't get breastfed and I wish things were different.
2% - I think it's selfish not to even try to breastfeed.

WorraLiberty · 16/08/2013 12:55

Who is doing it?

Various posters I've seen over the years, pushing their agendas strongly (as I explained in my post).

Some people have been made to feel like absolute shit and their posts about their failed experiences, dissected and ripped apart basically.

Which is why my reply to.... "Mumsnet is full of women saying "Oh, I really wanted to bf, but I tried for 3 days and it didn't work" Absolutely fine if they didn't want to, but really sad if they did, and didn't get the support they needed."

Was that I suspect some of those posters probably didn't want to admit that they had no interest in breast feeding...because of the breastapo.

But really if you'd read my post and understood it, I wouldn't have to be typing this one.

However, we seem to be straying from the OP...

Minifingers · 16/08/2013 12:57

Curlew - to someone with ishoos about breastfeeding, gentle encouragement or enthusiasm for breastfeeding may well be interpreted as goose stepping, genocidal brutality.

Or at least it seems that way sometimes on mumsnet.

And I find the Nazi references useful sometimes - they remind me that wrong-headed self-interest can sometimes distort perception of other people's character and intentions on an astonishingly grand scale, resulting in witch hunts. Worra is illustrating this propensity admirably.

WorraLiberty · 16/08/2013 12:58

Yes Minifingers you must have missed them

Or maybe you came to the threads late and there were so many deletions, they looked like a slice of swiss cheese.

SofiaVagueara · 16/08/2013 13:07

Be ready with a good stash of platitudes about not breastfeeding. There are many on this thread which you can store up and wheel out to make everyone feel emotionally comfortable about it.

Can I take it from this that you feel if people don't or can't breastfeed it's okay for you to make them feel emotionally uncomfortable?

Sacrebleu · 16/08/2013 13:11

I would have loved a knowledgeable SIL on day 2 to offer some advice.

Nothing to do with "agenda pushing".

OP, let her know in no uncertain terms that you are there for her and that giving bottles this early on is not good for establishing supply (unless she wants to bottle feed of course).