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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to go over mil's head to give sil advice?

233 replies

CuteFeet · 15/08/2013 23:06

Sil had her first baby yesterday. She's having some problems breastfeeding and is quite young and inexperienced. Her mum had several children, some of whom she breastfed and so on the surface is encouraging of breastfeeding. However obviously her own experience was a long time ago. I'm still feeding my toddler who mil thinks is overly clingy and she blames breastfeeding for that and I think, hopefully inadvertently, she may be discouraging her daughter from breastfeeding to prevent this with new grandchild. She keeps telling her that feeding method is irrelevant as long as baby is happy, she gave baby a bottle when sil was sleeping the first night, she had bought the bottles and they're a fast flow teat which obviously won't help breastfeeding etc. I've breastfed all my kids and worked as a peer supporter, I know how fab breastfeeding can be and know sil really wanted to do it - AIBU to go over mil's head and offer completely contradictory advice to sil?

OP posts:

diddl · 16/08/2013 13:13

OP-how do you know that she's struggling to bfeed btw?

Minifingers · 16/08/2013 13:15

Worra - I post on a lot of these threads (I fall into the 'wish more babies were breastfed' camp and have a family strong antipathy towards the tactics of formula manufacturers so have engaged in many a vigorous debate on this board).

Many of the deletions I've noticed are in response to personal insults directed at those seen to be critical of formula use.

I may do a little survey of old ff/bf threads on AIBU just out of interest, when I've got an hour to waste spend. Maybe neither of us is seeing the real picture and what is needed is to go back and look at what women ACTUALLY say on the threads.

roundtable · 16/08/2013 13:22

I can think of a name on this site straight away who I would say is a breastfeeding bully. I say that as a current breastfeeder of a seven month old.

Send a text congratulating her, offer any support with cooking meals, housework, feeding. Tell her you're sure she's doing a fantastic job leave it at that.

I needed a lot of support to breastfeed. I rang my midwife friend for support constantly she didn't ring me and ask me if I wanted support after I'd given birth as she knew it would over step boundaries.

She had offered support when I was pregnant with bf. Just once and one sentence.

Minifingers · 16/08/2013 13:23

"Can I take it from this that you feel if people don't or can't breastfeed it's okay for you to make them feel emotionally uncomfortable?"

Another illustration of the point I was making earlier: that there are many, many people out there who will give the bleakest and nastiest interpretation of a comment which they see as an expression of a 'breastfeeding agenda'.

No - of course it's not ok to make someone who doesn't want to breastfeed or can't breastfeed feel emotionally uncomfortable about their choices.

But not spouting platitudes or cliches is not the same thing as saying actively unkind things. Of course it's not - and of course you know this.

waterrat · 16/08/2013 13:25

you should offer her support very politely and in a way that makes it easy for her to ignore.

I found BF very painful and would have been delighted if anyone at all had offered to help - so I think people are being unfair when they say you should not offer if she doesn't ask. She is tired, feeling foggy etc, but if she is breastfeeding then I'm sure any offers of help will be welcome.

But be careful of your own agenda - your mil is helping too, you can send a text saying 'I know quite a bit about BF happy to help with the tricky bits if you want and if you choose to continue'

SaucyJack · 16/08/2013 13:27

How can you honestly say the OP doesn't have an agenda?

The baby is only a day old. She hasn't even met him/her or seen her SIL to ask how she's feeling and whether she's happy with how things are going so far.

But her primary concern has apparently been to post on a national forum, panicking that someone less "passionate" about breastfeeding as herself might get in first and the baby might end up (look away now those of a delicate disposition), being bottled fed.

To me, that is a very clear indicator of someone who has an unhealthily invested interest in other people's feeding choices.

Minifingers · 16/08/2013 13:37

"To me, that is a very clear indicator of someone who has an unhealthily invested interest in other people's feeding choices."

The mother has (presumably) expressed an intention to breastfeed.

The MIL is doing things which - evidence suggests - may well sabotage breastfeeding for this inexperienced mum.

You have to ask yourself what is worse: a gentle offer of support, or do nothing for fear of upsetting her and risk watching her struggle unnecessarily with establishing breastfeeding.

The OP has training in breastfeeding support. The MIL presumably has not. It's not 'unhealthy' to want to offer a skill you have that others don't, in order to make something easier for a member of your family.

Sacrebleu · 16/08/2013 13:40

Right, forgot that wanting to promote breastfeeding puts you in the same bracket as a genocidal maniac.

Seenenoughtoknow · 16/08/2013 13:40

I would send the message. Like you, I'm a bf peer supporter and when a friend (who had already told me she wanted to breastfeed) gave birth I sent her a text letting her know that I was there day or night (to text/chat about bf or whatever) and left it there. Within a week she was texting for help with latch etc and continued to text on and off until she was happy and comfortable breastfeeding, and now she has been feeding happily for 6 months.
She told me herself she would have given up without the help, and whatever anyone else says, that made the time I spent on the bf peer supporter course worth every minute.
Do send the text, she might need it more than you know.

ShakeAndVac · 16/08/2013 13:44

Going on your original post, I think you should BOTH butt out and leave her to feed her own baby in peace! FFS, leave her alone!

Cravey · 16/08/2013 13:45

Maybe wait till you are asked for advice ? Poor girl only just had a baby. Leave her be. If she needs help I am sure she will ask.

binhome · 16/08/2013 13:46

Op i am with you. Send her a text congratulating her and offering support. The only person pushing agendas he is mil. I really hope she had sil permission to give baby a bottle.

WorraLiberty · 16/08/2013 13:47

Unless the grandmother crept in and stole the baby during the night, I think its' safe to assume the Mother was happy for her baby to be bottle fed?

myrubberduck · 16/08/2013 13:53

I would find all this handwringing (on this thread and others) about the use of "brestapo" highly amusing if it wasn't at bottom hugely distasteful. Praying in aid the victims of the holocaust when the reality is that they just don't like being laughed at...

I prefer to call them the "Titty Taliban" myself but that's just me

Minifingers · 16/08/2013 13:58

"FFS, leave her alone!"

And if problems do arise from your MIL giving the baby bottles - a touch of mastitis maybe, your SIL not being able to make enough milk for her baby, nipple confusion perhaps, at least she'll be in good company as this is common experience for new mums in the UK and the reason why 90% stop breastfeeding early. It'll give her something to talk about with the other new mums at mother and baby groups.

Everyone's a winner!

curlew · 16/08/2013 14:02

What I find fascinating that the only people who have been rude, or overbearing or offensive on this thread are the people who seem to think that a brief text offering support in breast feeding is overbearing, bullying and out of order. Everyone else is saying "yes, offering help in a way that's easy to ignore is a really good idea"

Wondering exactly who has the agenda here.........

Cravey · 16/08/2013 14:04

Why has it turned into a breast / bottle feeding thing. I don't get it. Surely as women we should support each others choices no matter what we believe or think is the best ? That's what I would call supportive.

Seenenoughtoknow · 16/08/2013 14:04

I was just thinking that same thing Curlew

curlew · 16/08/2013 14:05

"I would find all this handwringing (on this thread and others) about the use of "brestapo" highly amusing if it wasn't at bottom hugely distasteful. Praying in aid the victims of the holocaust when the reality is that they just don't like being laughed at...

I prefer to call them the "Titty Taliban" myself but that's just me"

Hang on, so you find objecting to the use of the word "breastapo" distasteful- but not using it in the first place? Eh? How the fuck does that work??

MuddlingMackem · 16/08/2013 14:10

karinmaria Fri 16-Aug-13 10:13:02

By composition I meant there wasn't enough fat or iron in the milk.

MrsOakenshield · 16/08/2013 14:13

wow, some really nasty comments on here, many of which, imo, suggest exactly why bfing rates are so low in this country, because god forbid one woman might want to help out another. The OP says her SIL wants to try bfing. She is a bfing support peer. Kind of a match made in heaven I would have thought. I see nothing to suggest that the OP wants to do anything bar help her SIL, I see nothing to suggest that if SIL decides not to continue the OP will berate her in any way.

I needed help bfing right from day 1, and as I was in hospital for 5 days I got it from the midwives and I am so grateful for their help. If I had been discharged a few hours after birth I really don't think I would have got beyond a few days - it was over Christmas and no-one was around. Oh, and I would have gone mental if someone had given my baby a bottle, especially when I was asleep!

SIL may well, in the fug that descends after having a baby, have forgotten the OP is a bfing support peer. A congratulatory text, with a reminder that you're willing to help any time she needs it, sounds lovely.

Minifingers · 16/08/2013 14:15

"Why has it turned into a breast / bottle feeding thing. I don't get it. Surely as women we should support each others choices no matter what we believe or think is the best ? That's what I would call supportive."

It hasn't.

The OP is talking about how she can best support her SIL's choice to breastfeed.

And is being attacked for it.

Cravey · 16/08/2013 14:19

Mini I wasn't suggesting the op had started this. More so it appeared to turn into a breast / bottle debate. I don't think she has been attacked more as I said its turned the thread into a debate about which is the right or wrong way to feed.

Minifingers · 16/08/2013 14:24

There is no debate here at all about breast vs bottlefeeding.

None.

You are seeing things which aren't here!

Cravey · 16/08/2013 14:28

Well if I'm seeing that then I think you are seeing the op being attacked maybe ?

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