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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think leaving a 7 month baby to work ft is too young?

213 replies

LostMarbles99 · 13/08/2013 22:30

I have to go back to work but I really don't want to leave my baby.

Dc is only 7 months, it's too young isn't it?

Dh will do 2 days care, dm 1 day and childminder 2 days, but that's not time with me!

AIBU to think 7 months is too young to abandon baby?

Will he feel abandoned?

OP posts:
bibliomania · 15/08/2013 09:59

Interesting question, janey - there might be something to be said about being strategic in terms of starting childcare at an age when separation anxiety is not at its peak (subject to the usual concerns about babies not reading the manual and not being all the same).

LeGavrOrf · 15/08/2013 10:01

It isn't too young, and there is no right or wrong, just what's best for you,

I went back to work FT when dd was 3 months, this was years ago when you only got 18 weeks maternity leave (and 6 weeks of that had to be used prior to the birth stupidly). I have worked FT ever since and we are as close as could be, and going to childcare had no ill effects. I was lucky in that I had a wonderful CM (the local nursery was crap) and my only advice would be the get the best childcare you can afford, my CM was more expensive as she only took a few children but it was well worth it, dd is still in contact with her today and she is nearly 18.

LeGavrOrf · 15/08/2013 10:04

I co slept for years as well.

SamuelAndOscarsMummy · 15/08/2013 10:04

I left my eldest at nursery at 4 months, I had to go back to work as I couldn't afford to pay the bills. He didn't feel abandoned, he loved it from his very first day and now at 23 months he is so confident and advanced in speech etc I don't regret it at all, plus he adores going to nursery now! I will be leaving my littlest at around 3 months nursery 2 days a week and with his daddy for the rest, in my opinion I think I would be doing more wrong by them not being able to afford to take them out or buy them new clothes or anything.

Redlocks30 · 15/08/2013 10:12

I had to go back to work when DS (12) was 16 weeks. I can't say I particularly enjoyed it, but we all survived! 7 months sounds fine :)

farewellfarewell · 15/08/2013 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thebody · 15/08/2013 10:20

ahh yes you will suffer and she will be fine as long as the childcare is warm, good quality and loving.

as a cm I had one baby at 7 weeks FT. very hard for mom but now the child is 4 and can assure you she knows exactly who her mom is and is very happy and well adjusted.

janey68 · 15/08/2013 10:21

Yeap, that's exactly what we're saying. Not that using childcare is better for young children (which someone misquoted upthread) but that it is absolutely no worse either.

This talk in hushed tones of it being a 'compromise' or the 'best of a difficult situation' as if working parents are somehow to be pitied is alien to those of us who've been there and done it. Smile

num3onway · 15/08/2013 10:23

As others have said As long as the child are is of good quality lo should be fine, and babies under 9 months do seem to settle better

thebody · 15/08/2013 10:24

can I just add re separation anxiety

in my experience it doesn't matter really when a child starts child care as this can kick in anyway in a normally well adjusted child who previously loved the child care setting.

as a cm I had this quite frequently and it just has to be got through with loving care/ sensible approach from both patent and carer.

bibliomania · 15/08/2013 10:40

That's a fair point, thebody - there's no recipe to avoid separation anxiety, but I do think it alleviates it somewhat if the child has had the chance to build up an affectionate relationship with the childcare provider before it kicks in.

And I second janey's response to farewell. I am prepared to state that to the best of my belief, my dd is no worse off having gone into childcare early. As she doesn't have siblings, I feel it was actually a more "natural" environment than being home alone with me for year - and she developed a robust immune system early on too!

VenusRising · 15/08/2013 10:44

I take it you're in the UK, not the US, where six weeks is the norm, or Ireland where six months is the maternity leave.

Get a cleaner, and try and relax, your baby will be fine.
Good luck with your job.

perplexedpirate · 15/08/2013 10:47

I went back at 5 months.
Tbh, I needed to, health-wise. Was definitely the right choice for our family and DS was fine.

thebody · 15/08/2013 11:07

bibliomania, yes completely agree. it's all about the setting and the quality of the childcare and can I add that's the same for SAH babies as well.

being at home with parents isn't always 'best for baby'

some parents love it and some love their babies but can't wait to get back to work.

it's all individual choices and in most cases needs must as bills to pay.

LeGavrOrf · 15/08/2013 12:47

I agree with Janey, yes for some it isa compromise but lots of parents actively choose to go out to work, it's not something to be pitied. Same as I wouldn't think a SAHM is a poor choice. Both choices are equally valid.

farewellfarewell · 15/08/2013 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

janey68 · 15/08/2013 13:58

You are still misquoting what people have said farewell. No one has said their child is better off in childcare. What plenty of us are saying is that they are equally well off. They are not disadvantaged in any way.

It's interesting because whenever this topic comes up, the general theme seems to be that parents who return to work are quite comfortable with acknowledging that their choice is absolutely fine without trying to pretend that it's better than not using childcare. Yet there is a persistent minority who don't use childcare but seem unable to state their point of view without undermining other people's. Odd.

theodorakisses · 15/08/2013 14:07

It may be for you as long as you don't judge other people who had to go back much, much earlier with no choice.

MummytoMog · 15/08/2013 14:12

You know, when I went back to work when DD was six months old, someone said to me 'Your poor baby, what are you doing back so soon'. I still don't understand why I didn't push him out of a window. Or bring my baby to work for the next six months.

thebody · 15/08/2013 14:56

farewell, not sure by your saying that children do better with parents and carers who are happy to have them rather than a nursery? presumably nursery workers love the children and ARE happy to have them. I loved my little crew when I was a cm. they were part of our family.

mummy, what a twat that bloke sounds. ignore.

thebody · 15/08/2013 14:59

in my experience children thrive in ANY loving setting be that home, nursery, childminder or granny.

farewellfarewell · 15/08/2013 15:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

janey68 · 15/08/2013 15:53

I think the difference between us farewellfarewell, is that you are generalising about 'young babies', and drawing the conclusion that because you prefer a childminder setting, therefore it is always preferable for children of a certain age.

I prefer to focus on my own children, and the childcare settings specific to them. (In my case my children started off at a childminder and then moved to a combination of nursery and childminder.) I wouldn't presume to make a general judgement about what is 'best' for babies because frankly, I don't know all the babies of all MNers or have intricate knowledge of their local nurseries and childminders.

Retropear · 15/08/2013 16:05

What farewell said and tbh I'm not sure all young children would thrive in many a nursery setting either.You may get some good but you get many not so good and I know hoards of children who would have been utterly miserable in nursery however good which is why their parents use other options or a sahp.

Also sorry I don't buy the all children will thrive in any loving setting.

My mil is loving but my dc wouldn't have thrived in her care.

Retropear · 15/08/2013 16:06

Janey childcare professional generally think that a relation,nanny or childminder is better than a nursery setting for babies.