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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think leaving a 7 month baby to work ft is too young?

213 replies

LostMarbles99 · 13/08/2013 22:30

I have to go back to work but I really don't want to leave my baby.

Dc is only 7 months, it's too young isn't it?

Dh will do 2 days care, dm 1 day and childminder 2 days, but that's not time with me!

AIBU to think 7 months is too young to abandon baby?

Will he feel abandoned?

OP posts:
iamadoozermum · 13/08/2013 22:43

With three of mine I went back to work when they were four months old. With DS2 I was able to stay at home until he was 8 months old. It is hard and you might find that your DS acts a bit funny when you get home. DD was in a total huff with me and wouldn't even look at me when I first went back! I did cry for the first few days and check in a couple of times a day to begin with but we soon got used to it. It didn't get any easier with each DC either. I do appreciate the weekends even more though.

I'm sure your DS will be fine and you'll all get used to the new arrangements. I hope it all goes well.

Lweji · 13/08/2013 22:44

I went back to FT work at 16 weeks.

ExH (now) was a SAHF.

DS was (is) still a mummy's boy.

TheOldestCat · 13/08/2013 22:44

Went back to FT work when DD was six months, so she went to nursery five days a week as we had no family help. Wasn't ideal for us but no choice.

TheOldestCat · 13/08/2013 22:45

Oh and DD was absolutely fine - lost weight because she wouldn't take bottles, but seemed happy and doesn't appear scarred by her experience.

It will be ok, you know.

Talkinpeace · 13/08/2013 22:49

Maternity pay when I had mine was 6 weeks half decent and 8 weeks pants money

Yonihadtoask · 13/08/2013 22:54

Same here talkinpeace

I was back at work by the time DS was 4 months old.

He seems fine, 15 years down the line :)

surgicalwidow · 13/08/2013 22:58

I'm back at work 4 weeks now (3 days a week) so DD started settling in at nursery at 5.5 mo. It was really tough for a couple of weeks, but we are flying it now. You will be fine, and might even find you benefit from the headspace (I do).

Xmasbaby11 · 13/08/2013 23:02

It is hard and scary, but you are very lucky that you can afford one of you to be with the baby some days. DD was in nursery full time at 8 months. She loved it and adapted very quickly. I'm sure I struggled more than she did.

I have to say, I have got used to leaving her, but I still don't like it and some days I feel really sad I am missing out on time with her. I would work part time in a flash if we could afford it.

Good luck - concentrate on getting through the first week - that's the worst!

Pilgit · 13/08/2013 23:12

IMO this is an ideal age from the dc's point of view. All children go through separation anxiety phases. The first major one is about 12 months (obviously some have it worse and some it's barely noticeable) if they are already in a routine and not having a new routine imposed (as they would be if you had a year off) it is easier for them. At least this has been my experience. I will go back after dd2 when she's 9 months. Yes there are things you will miss but i find i app decimate what i do get a lot more as a result.

breatheslowly · 13/08/2013 23:14

Babies tend to form their strong single attachment to one caregiver at 7 months plus. So putting a child into childcare can be harder for them at 9 or 10 months compared to 7 months. explanation

It might not be the right time for you, but it can be good timing in terms of settling in and psychology.

UnitedZingDom · 13/08/2013 23:16

yes, YABVU, a 7 month old baby should not work full time.Grin

of course you can go back ft! it's your choice!
friends in Holland went back after 4 months.

some need to, some want to. good luck.

NomDeClavier · 13/08/2013 23:34

I went back after 4 months - ML here is much shorter. DS is fine. I'm fine. I cried buckets and spent more time pumping than teaching (it felt like it anyway) but you cope. Before 9months it's harder for you than for them and you have family mainly doing childcare so it's not FT from his perspective.

nokidshere · 14/08/2013 00:04

He wont feel abandoned. He will be fine. And so will you!

As a childcare professional for over 30 years though one thing I will say is that you need to make it normal! Most problems arise from the parents feelings of guilt "oh I am soo sorry you have to go to nursery/cm etc today, mummy will be back really quickly" etc which teaches the children that mummy working is actually a bad thing and it really isn't.

Keep positive and light, go off with a smile and not tears. Good childcare will make sure your baby is happy and stimulated and I have never yet looked after a child - no matter what age they are - who becomes more attached to the carer than the parent.

Good luck :)

pollencount · 14/08/2013 00:08

Well, it's not much fun for you, but three weekdays with family is brilliant, I wish mine had had that.

Just make sure you carve out some weekend time for him and you, and don't waste too much of those two days on household stuff (easier said, I know).

Mimishimi · 14/08/2013 00:13

YANBU to want to spend more time with him. YABU if you judge others for it though. Your care situation sounds very different to leaving him in a center from 7-7 five days a week. I do think seven month year olds are too young for that.

Fakebook · 14/08/2013 00:16

I went back to work full time (45+ hrs a week) with dc1 when she was 5 months. I had no choice. She wasn't abandoned and nor did she feel it.
She was also in nursery, not with me or dh or any other family member.

nurseneedshelp · 14/08/2013 00:20

I was full time when mine were 4 months old, working 12 hour shifts :-(

Snatchoo · 14/08/2013 00:23

I went back to work full time when my boys were 8 months. They were in nursery. They never felt abandoned and are now four and a half and very well adjusted and total mummy's boys.

DS2, I went back to work full time when he was almost a year old out of necessity, but DH is a SAHD as he was made redundant. He is also a complete mummy's boy, although he likes daddy to put him to bed.

I really really wish I had family to help out with childcare, but tbh even if they lived near us I don't think they'd want to.

AnyoneforTurps · 14/08/2013 00:34

YANBU to feel anxious but remember that - for the whole of history and in most societies today - it is normal for childcare to be shared between family members. What we have in the West with a mother (usually) at home by herself with DC for long stretches is actually very weird in historical terms. The arrangement you will have with your DH, DM and one other caring adult (the CM) looking after your DS is a much more normal arrangement that has served human society well for millennia Smile

And, even if you're away for 40 hours per week, that still leave 128 to spend enjoying him Smile

Callaird · 14/08/2013 00:34

I'm a nanny, I have had babies full time from as early as 3 weeks.

These are mum's that run their own business, generally only having a secretary and having to 'shut down' the business whilst they have the baby.

I am still in touch with all my ex-charges, they are all well rounded individuals, none of them feel they were abandoned as children as they had lots of fun with me and see me as part of their extended family. They range in age from 28 to 2 years old. Obviously the younger ones, we don't know yet but the older ones are perfectly adjusted!

thriftshop · 14/08/2013 00:46

I went back to work when my eldest was 6 months - single parent so no choice if I wanted to pay my mortgage! DC went to childminder 8-6 Mon-Fri. Hard at first but it got easier.

countrymummy13 · 14/08/2013 02:01

There has been a lot of neuro-science and pyschological research in to the effects of child care on infants in recent years.

If you're interested, read Steve Buddulph's 'Raising Babies' and Sue Gerhardt's 'Why Love Matters'.

Basically, an infant's emotional development is based entirely on the hormones produced in response to social interactions and emotional experiences. For this emotional development to be successful (ie to ultimately produce a secure, confident, emotionally stable, loving adult) a baby needs to receive responsive, attentive and loving care.

As long as your baby gets that kind of care from your DH, DM and CM then in theory he'll be fine.

However, you need to do whatever you feel is right for you and your baby. Trust your mother's instincts.

honeytea · 14/08/2013 07:18

Before I had my baby j would have said yabu childcare from other sources if fine at 7 months, but I have a 7 month old ds and the thought of leaving him is awful.

I will start studying 2/3 days a week in October, my dp will have ds but I still feel worried about that.

I think it depends how prepared tge baby is to be left, my ds still breastfeeds lots and at tge moment I'm cuddling him whilst he naps, I think if I broke those habits leaving him would be easier.

Good luck with your return to work, maybe tge people looking after your dc can send you lots of photo texts. Also if you have Skype on your phone maybe you could Skype in your lunchbreak.

HenWithAttitude · 14/08/2013 07:28

It will upset you more than him but most parents adapt pretty well once they are back

kungfupannda · 14/08/2013 07:32

I had to go back just before DS1 was 6 months as I had a long-standing work commitment that could not be changed. He was as happy as Larry and still is at pre-school.

DS2 I thought I might have more problems with when I went back part-time when he was 9 months - he was a clingier baby than DS1 - but he was exactly the same. At 18 months he wanders into nursery in the morning waving and shouting "hiya!" at everyone he sees, and barely gives me a cursory "bye."

I did the whole slings, barely-put-down, co-sleeping, never left to whimper thing when they were babies, and some people I knew who did things in similar ways were quite critical of me putting DS1 in childcare so soon, but it worked for us and that's what's important.

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