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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think leaving a 7 month baby to work ft is too young?

213 replies

LostMarbles99 · 13/08/2013 22:30

I have to go back to work but I really don't want to leave my baby.

Dc is only 7 months, it's too young isn't it?

Dh will do 2 days care, dm 1 day and childminder 2 days, but that's not time with me!

AIBU to think 7 months is too young to abandon baby?

Will he feel abandoned?

OP posts:
janey68 · 14/08/2013 10:44

Btw OP my dc are now teenagers and very normal, lovely (most of the time!) well adjusted and sociable young people. And thats actually the most important thing. We used a mix of cm and nursery; the quality of the care is key. Ignore people who make sweeping generalisations about one form of childcare being 'good' and another 'bad'- it comes down to you looking at the options specific to YOU. My children's nursery was fabulous (they actually still talk about it sometimes) but other nurseries I wouldn't touch with a barge pole, oh and I wouldn't take too much notice of ofsted gradings... Visit, drop in at different times, use recommendations from friends- make your decision for your child and ignore any doom and gloom merchants who are just out to pile on guilt to mums who aren't home full time. Plan for this carefully and thoughtfully (which it sounds like you're doing) and your child will be fine- and that is what matters

Rooners · 14/08/2013 11:41

Pinupgirl I know. Mind you it's skewed anyway at times. I said I didn't ever leave my 6mo to go out, I mean socially, and he wasalways in the same room as me pretty much.

I got insulted quite badly - one person said 'did they forget to cut the umbilical cord?'

It was hideous.

janey68 · 14/08/2013 12:04

Rooners- yes that's awful. To be fair though, the hideous comments cut both ways though, which is why it's sensible to leave the extremists opinions out of this debate.

DH and I went out for a long evening at a gig when dc1 was 4 weeks old. It was a stadium event which we'd booked tickets for before I even fell pregnant. I expressed milk madly in the days beforehand and we left dd with a very close friend who'd had children of her own. I actually got the comment from someone 'so a gig is more important than your baby '?? Er... No, of course not, it was simply that loving my baby more than anything, and having a long awaited night out seeing this band were not mutually exclusive. Dd was, of course, fine. I had a few similarly raised eyebrows when I returned to work 3 months after that.

There will always be the extremists on either side who will try to tell you you're wrong. Ignore.

And tbh the set up you have sounds great- 2 days with daddy which is a fantastic experience for your child. As I said, my only personal worry would be introducing 3 different carers into the mix BUT if this works for you and your child then that's all that matters.

higgle · 14/08/2013 12:07

It is not too early for him - I went back to work when mine were 8 weeks old. It maybe too early for you, but that is a different issue.

Silverfoxballs · 14/08/2013 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thatballwasin · 14/08/2013 12:50

If the quality of childcare is fine, your DC will be fine. We have a similar arrangement and I have 2 happy DCs

MissCookieIsNotABiscuit · 14/08/2013 12:59

You gotta do what you gotta do.
Try not to panic, he will be fine, and so will you. I'm another one that had to return before DC was 5 months.

Like I said, you gotta do what you gotta do. Flowers

PenelopePipPop · 14/08/2013 13:36

There isn't a right or wrong on this. Try and ignore anyone who says there is.

We did a similar arrangement to you - I went back to work after 9m, DD had some time with her Dad and some time with a cm. It has worked out brilliantly. She has a wonderfully close relationship with her Dad and they have lots of adventures on their days together, she has had the same cm for the last three years and is very close to her too. On Sun evenings DD talks about how she'll see her cm the next day and be able to tell her and the friends she has made there about the things she has done over the weekend. I felt sad about leaving her, but I am pretty sure DD enjoyed building relationships with other adults too.

There isn't a one size fits all for every family but just wanted to reassure you that the arrangements you have made can work out really well.

ilovecolinfirth · 14/08/2013 14:20

Oh dear :( you're feeling stressed by this one. I had to return to work full-time. My child was a little older but not by much. It is tough, and you will end up feeling guilty over it, but in all honesty I have a great relationship with my child. I love seeing him at the end of the day, his face lights up when I collect him. I just REALLY value the time that I do have with him. I pick him up and take him to parks or the library, and try to do something extra with him a couple of times a week.

You are a good mum because you are worrying about this.

Greydog · 14/08/2013 14:25

I started my maternity leave on August bank holiday - son was born beginning of September - I was back in work 1st December. No choice, I didn't like it, but we needed to live

tomverlaine · 14/08/2013 14:51

Do you have a choice?
I went back at 7 months and it was too early for me and I think I communicated this to DS. I was insanely jealous of DP (who was a SAHP for 3 days a week) and very distracted at work. There was stuff I could have done to make it better ( i had left DS roughly twice before he went to nursery for about 2 hours- which didn't make it easy for either of us) and stuff I did that helped (worked from home one day a week while DP looks after DS), DS's schedule means I always got to do bathtimes and bedtimes (very tiring though)- in retrspect I wouldn't have gone back then as it wasn't right for us and in reality i did have a choice just not one I'd considered or left open for myself.

mamapants · 14/08/2013 16:29

I was originally intending to go back to work at 6mths but then changed it to 9 and then to 12. Until ds was 10mths I didn't feel it was appropriate for us. I felt he was too young. That was my personal feeling. So we tightened our belt and made our savings last longer.
I am now doing 3 days at work having started with half days.
Tbh I find it really hard. I am really jealous of the childminder (friend) who is looking after him. I feel I'm missing out. I cope better on the days he's with DP- 2 days a week. I find it hard that the childminder does things differently to how I would. DS is fine most of the time and has fun. He is super happy to see me. Its nice that he gets different experiences though. I love that he gets to spend time with his dad and DP loves to spend time without me there.

JemimaMuddledUp · 14/08/2013 16:42

YANBU to worry about it. But your baby will be fine Grin

My eldest is nearly 11. I went back to work FT when he was 4 months old as that was how much maternity pay we got back then. I'm not even sure he noticed (sad but true).

I went back to work (but only PT) when DS2 was 7 months old. He noticed more than DS1 did, but was still fine.

I went back to work PT (but only 2 days a week to begin with) when DD was 5 months old. She was fine too.

None of them seem to have suffered any trauma from it. Like you, I used a combination of DM, DMIL and a childminder.

AS others have said it will be far harder for you than for your baby.

Ezza1 · 14/08/2013 17:12

Like many others, I was back in ft work when DC 1 and 2 were 12 weeks old. They are 15 and 12 now.

Went back to work when DC3 was 9 months and he had a terrible time adjusting to not being with me and was ultra clingy and fretful for some months. Hes better now, at 3 years old,but still lacks the confidence my older 2 had in certain situations. Could just be him of course, but I think staying home with him for 9 months did not benefit him at all or me for that matter

BiddyPop · 14/08/2013 17:31

I left DD when she was 4 months old (could have taken extra unpaid mat leave but not a particularly real option for us). I compromised by getting childcare near the office rather than near home, so she commuted in with DH and home with me daily. She was still pretty much mostly bf up to 8 months (I expressed daily so she had 2 bottles ebm and then spares of formula in case they were needed in creche), and still had plenty of time with us. But was very well looked after and loved in the creche too (small and very well run) and probably did more there with the girls than if she was still at home with me.

Oblomov · 14/08/2013 17:37

You sound very attached. Abandoned? Oh please. I worked part time and couldn't wait up get back to work.

Tiredemma · 14/08/2013 17:45

I went back to work with ds1 when he was just 6 weeks old. I was only entitled to maternity allowance and really could not afford any more time off. With ds2 I went back when he was 4 months old. Ds2 has been by far the most 'clingy' and most hard work of the two. He didn't sleep through the night until he was 3.
Currently pregnant with dc3. Plan to go back to work when she is approx 6 months old.
I have never viewed returning back to work as 'abandoning' any of my children.

soverylucky · 14/08/2013 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsKoala · 14/08/2013 18:48

I think it depends on the baby. A friend has had virtually the same arrangement since her DS was 6mo and he hasn't batted an eyelid. Personally i think it would be worse for me than DS. He's 11mo now and i feel guilty for NOT sending him to nursery. He just loves other children and interacting with other adults - i feel that keeping him home with me is not giving him enough of the stimulation he needs. But we can't afford me to go back to work or pay for nursery fees.

conorsrockers · 14/08/2013 18:49

If it makes you feel any better I 'abandoned' my 3DS at 10 weeks Blush
I can assure that we are very normal, happy family, and the kids have never missed being at home. In fact they can't wait to go off to boarding school (one's already there) Grin

Ericaequites · 14/08/2013 19:24

In the United States, many women go back to work at six weeks. My mother took me to work with her starting at three weeks as she kept books for the business she and my father ran. There are far fewer options here, but most people seem to manage.
I am childless by choice because it was clear throughout my childhood that the business was more important than I was. I didn't want a child of mine to get the same message.

pointythings · 14/08/2013 19:27

Mine went to nursery from just shy of 6 months. They had the same keyworker from the start all the way through to when they left and still talk about their time there. Children are perfectly capable of forming more than one attachment, they don't forget you are their mum just because you've gone back to work. My DDs are 10 and 12 and they are happy, well-adjusted girls who do very well at school and are part of a very close family.

A lot depends on what you do during the time when you are with your DC - and that means not having any time for yourself until they are in bed. You have to put everything into the waking hours you do have with them. Then again you will want to do that anyway!

janey68 · 14/08/2013 19:51

Yes- very much agree with that last sentiment pointy.

The thing is, it's one of those situations where until you do it, you don't really know how you'll feel. There can be pressure on mums to feel that you should never be apart from your baby (hmm.. Doesn't seem to be the same for dads!) Therefore you can sometimes be starting from a hypothetical 'it won't be right, how will I cope...'

In some ways I'm glad that financially I had no choice but to return to work when dc1 was 4 months. If I had had a choice I can see that it may have seemed in the short term easier To just be at home rather than working too. However, the experience was so much smoother than I expected, and I realised that I could combine parenting and working. So much so in fact, that by the time dc2 came along, I was happy to go back to work even though the childcare now wiped out my entire income!

Sometimes a situation over which we dont have a choice turns out to be a blessing in disguise. 15 years on our financial situation is good, but no way would I give up work. You may surprise yourself when it actually comes to it OP. And even on the tough days (because it does take a while to get into the swing of early morning drop offs etc) remember that while its tough for you , it's just normal for your baby.

pointythings · 14/08/2013 20:02

I'd have liked to go back part time, but it wasn't an option - the job was not one that I could do part time, and I was the main earner at that time. I could not have coped with not working, it would have driven me mad - not everyone is suited to being a SAHP, and that doesn't make them better or worse than anyone else.

I found the first 3 weeks with DD1 very very difficult, I cried a lot. Then a routine worked itself out and it was fine. It helped that I had an employer who was good about letting me express at work.

Second time round it was easier to leave DD2 because I knew she would be fine, but I had to fight to be allowed to express (different line manager who was hopeless about the whole women with children thing) so that made it stressful in a different way.

I think if you find it very difficult emotionally in the long term then not working is probably best if it's financially feasible, because a stressed out miserable mum is not good for a baby. We're all different.

ouryve · 14/08/2013 20:07

7 months is far to young to work full time. There are child labour laws, you know.

Though if it's you going to work - what do you think people do if they can't afford not to go back?