AIBU to think leaving a 7 month baby to work ft is too young?

[LostMarbles99]

I have to go back to work but I really don't want to leave my baby.

Dc is only 7 months, it's too young isn't it?

Dh will do 2 days care, dm 1 day and childminder 2 days, but that's not time with me!

AIBU to think 7 months is too young to abandon baby?

Will he feel abandoned?

Oh ouryve you beat me to it

OP, it is only too young if it isn't right for you. I know its really hard, and I couldn't do it, but lots of women do.
Your child will be spending time with your dh which isn't child care and gp are family so also not really child care.
I hope it goes well for you and I'm sure you will make the most of the time you do spend with your dc.

mine was 4 1/2 months 2 days with DH 1 day DMIL 2 days nursery her was fine with it

I was in nursery FT from the time I was six WEEKS old. I was an unexpected surprise for my single mum back in the day when 'maternity leave' was eight unpaid weeks so like so many others, she had no choice. I am strangely well adjusted and mum and I are still so close she's now in a granny flat in my garden

My DS, now 14mo, started nursery part-time from 5 months, then full time from just before 8 months and he LOVES IT. I'm much happier with him there than when he's with his GPs - he eats more, socialises more, gets to do way more fun stuff (I really cannot see my incredibly house-proud MIL doing messy play and painting with him ) and I have experts in child development, i.e. the nursery nurses, to consult on a daily basis about any concerns or queries I have. He is the cuddliest, most affectionate little boy who waves his daddy off happily in the morning and greets me with a huge hug a, beaming smile and a shout when I collect him in the afternoon.

Yeah, I cried a lot when I first went back to work, but you get used to it, and the time you do get to spend together becomes so much lovelier and more precious for it all.

I went back 4 days a week when DS was 7.5 months, although I did ease in gradually with half days and built up. could you use leave to ease yourself back in slowly maybe?

DS did (still does) one day a week with his dad and it has been brilliant for both of them. He was in nursery the rest of the time and that has been brilliant, he clearly loves it and has made lots of friends and new experiences, as a baby he wouldn't settle to sleep well (at home or nursery) so his key worker used to carry him in a sling or let him sleep in her arms.

( as an aside, I resent the suggestion by some posters on here that somehow nursery is always 'worse' than childminders, it should be obvious that in fact it very much depends on how good the nursery is/ how good the childminder is. I have seen and heard of some pretty dreadful childminders, just as there are dreadful nurseries. There are also excellent examples of both. It is massively simplistic (and naïve) to assume that one 'type' is always better than the other. I wouldn't have sent ds to any of the childminders near us; his nursery on the other hand has been an amazing caring environment that has really gone the extra mile to ensure he is not only safe but also included despite multiple severe allergies (they make his meals to be as similar to his friends as possible, for instance). )

forgot to say, the only person who found any of it hard was me! he was a much wanted child and much as I knew I needed to work I really missed him. I now do compressed hours / a bit of working from home which has enabled me to drop my 'days' at work to 3.5 and I'm much happier with the balance.

also, what has definitely helped is getting a cleaner to do a fortnightly clean so I can spend weekends enjoying DS rather than scrubbing floors etc, and also making sure DH pulls his weight as well so I have the energy to enjoy the time with DS.

what has really suffered is any 'me time' . I find it hard to justify any time 'off' because my time with him is limited, I'm either working or with DS. or collapsed on the sofa while he sleeps luckily I have colleagues who have become friends but I barely see my old friends and hobbies are a distant memory

DS though is as happy as larry and bounces into nursery in the mornings. and when we are away on holiday he tells us all about his friends and carers who he is missing!

Hear hear Tiredfeet.
One poster actually said upthread about the OPs proposed childcare: '... At least it isn't a nursery '

Miaow!!

Clearly just a nasty comment, because unless we've all visited the exact nurseries , childminders and other provisions which other MNers use, how on earth are we qualified to comment!! And even if we had- our children are all unique and what suits one isn't necessarily best for another. Obviously a difficult concept for a few MNers to grasp.

OP?

The DDs nursery was amazing, Janey - they totally ignored the 'don't cuddle children' thing which was already starting then. My two were always the first ones there (I worked 8 till 4) so they got a lot of individual attention, and there was always time for sitting on laps being read to. They had people trained in teaching phonics - but only for those children who were interested in learning to read, it was offered but never pushed and as a result my DDs went into school as very confident early readers.

And they were loved. It was a small, family-run place with virtually no staff turnover. If all nurseries were like that one, Steve Biddulph would not have an audience for his books at all...

My DD went to full time nursery at exactly six months. We had no choice as we needed my wage to live. It is always something I have felt somewhat guiltly about however I had a conversation with my now 11 year old DD about it recently and she thinks it was a good thing.

Her argument is that it gave her other children to play with and helped her to make friends. She still talks about her nursery days fondly and when we recently went through our photo albumn she could remember the names of many of them.

It wasn't an easy decision for us and I was criticised for it, especially by my Dad, but she is a well adjusted child, is doing well at school and is generally and a very happy child.

I can't say that I don't wish that I hadn't spent more time with her when she was little but circumstances didn't allow it. We do have a very close relationship and I don't think that sending her to nursery has damaged her.

Garcia everything you say tells me that you have done very very well by your DD.

I wish I had spent more time with mine too, I think mums are conditioned to feel guilty, but we have to live in the real world.

My DDs are 10 and 12 and they understand that you have to work to keep a roof over your head, there are no free lunches and money does not come falling out of the sky. Valuable lessons from working parents.

I went back when Ds1 was 6 weeks old. MIL watched him, she had to shove me out the front door. He actually turned out just fine. I lasted a year before quitting till he was 2 and ready to go to Nursery.

I went back to work (by choice) when ds (my first) was 11 months old....I was ready when he was 6 months old...just took me awhile to find the right job. With dd I went back to work when she was 3 months old and that wasn't soon enough for me. I worked between 30 and 40 hours a week. They had a lovely childminder. They are now 10 and 12 respectively and happy well adjusted children who are not in the least bit harmed by my emotional need to work.

I know many mothers who dreaded their return only to find themselves sneakily enjoying working again. Clothes which were smart and not covered in baby and toddler marks, adults with conversation other than BLW and sleeping issues, toilet and coffee breaks uninterrupted

Without fail they've all said this in a slightly guilty way which is daft. Men don't justify their return to work.

Go back, have a career, survive financially and your baby benefits from lots of socialising with other adults who care about him/her. My DC's lives have been enhanced by the relationship they have had with their grandparents who looked after them. Real quality relationship. We have also used childcare/childminders and both of those have also given the DC experiences they wouldn't have had with me. So your child won't suffer or be harmed

It's fine if you are ready for it

I was back at 5 weeks (expressing in broom cupboards was not much fun) and DS is happy, confident and secure

That said, looking back it although he was absolutely fine, I could have done with longer (a lot longer) but you do what you have to do.

7 months is not abnormally early and if you have good childcare and support you will both be ok

Henwithattitude- agree 100%

I think mums (but not dads!) are conditioned to feel that it ought to be really difficult to not physically be with our children, that it ought to be stressful for them and us, and that it's only acceptable to be back at work if we're not enjoying it too much!

Like I said, I had no choice financially but to return to work- and looking back its the best thing which could have happened. If I had had a choice, I suspect that it may have seemed the easier short term option to give up work. Knowing what I know now, that would have been a big mistake.

I think also as a mum we can fall into that trap of subconsciously wanting our children to need us so desperately that they cannot possibly be secure being cared for by anyone else (in some extreme cases I've even known dads being sidelined by an uber controlling mother)
It's not a logical way to think, because actually how flipping good is it for our children to be able to form secure attachments to other adults too. It doesn't in any way threaten the parent child relationship- that's a unique bond.

So OP, dont beat yourself up about imaginary scenarios which won't happen. Your child certainly isn't being abandoned- he will be parented and raised by you and his dad, and cared for for some of the time by other people- all very healthy normal stuff.

I think it's much harder for the adults than the babies to be honest! DM worked at a nursery when I was a baby and she went back to work and took me when I was 12 weeks old, I had colic and didn't sleep well at all and she said it was a relief to hand me over to someone else for a break! DM and I are very close now and she has always worked, I have spent many school summer holidays hanging around the stock room when she worked at the green grocers and sat in the lounge with the residents playing scrabble when she worked in an old people's home!

I went back to work part time when DS was 13 months old, I do prefer being part time, but I could have gone back to work earlier. I was feeling bored/lonely/under pressure to be an amazing mum etc when I was on mat leave, so it was good to get out of that and back to work.

I've had 3 babies and returned to work at totally different times with all of them. In fact I haven't yet with DS3 (3 yrs), & my experience shows there is no difference to the child. Honestly my DS1 went to full time child care at only a few months old and we are incredibly close now he is nearly 13. He's a very well adjusted moody and hormonal normal kid.

I disagree Janey parents are best at such a young age in the same way breast is best (not sure why we're supposed to pretend otherwise) however life and circumstances differ,you can only do your best which the op is doing with a great compromise.

Ie babies will want a parent above anybody else and many parents will want to be with them,totally natural.

It's utterly sad nothing is being done to help parents to achieve that for even just a few years and the myth that babies and parents are happier apart is being peddled instead.

No one has said they are happier being apart lol. Just pointing out from experience that children who are cared for from a young age some of the time by other people, grow up just as happy, well adjusted etc as children who aren't. And there are plenty of us on here talking from the benefit of experience.

Oh and btw, entirely possible to bf exclusively and work

If you are a parent who doesn't want to leave your child with anyone else then that's fine, but how about ending these pernicious attempts to undermine people who do things differently. It's entirely possible to have a different view about things without pretending that your way is 'best'

I went back to work full-time when DD was 13 weeks old - no choice financially (I hadn't been working the UK for long enough to be entitled to any maternity benefits). She spent mornings in a nursery and afternoons with her father. It was fine, although it did end up interfering with breastfeeding. No separation anxiety at that age. She's five now, thriving, and we have a very close relationship. I think we ended up co-sleeping longer than we otherwise would have done, partly as compensation, but I like it. Honestly, I can't see any harm done.

It does seem a pity that you have to return ft at 7 months if that's not what you would prefer. However your lo will adapt quickly at that age. I think it's wonderful that your DH will be looking after him 2 days a week. I would consider that cm for the third day rather than another carer unless your Ds is very used to being left with your dm. I have left the dcs with DH and worked ft, although I missed them it was great for their relationship. If it helpstthink of it as evening up the time you had on ML.

Bibliomania- I've often wondered whether the recent lengthy maternity leave is a double edged sword, insofar as while I'm sure it's physically easier for the mother (because expressing milk for a young baby is exhausting, plus young baby less likely to be sleeping through) I do sometimes think it takes longer for the child to settle into their care setting. The first separation anxiety peak seems to be around 9-12 months, which ironically is exactly when many parents start to leave their child nowadays. I've noticed that my colleagues who have longer ML than I did, seem to be more anxious about the settling thing, and it takes a little longer, though in the long term their children settle fine

Not that I think the newer legislation is a bad thing, because its all about choice; it doesn't preclude the mother from returning earlier if she wants. And the chance for some of the leave to be interchangeable between mum and dad is brilliant, that's definitely something I wish had been around when my kids were young.