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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think this woman should answer her phone if she is responsible for my son ?

245 replies

Shinyshoes1 · 11/08/2013 19:42

Or am I BU ?

My son has been dating this young girl for about 2 months it's all very intense

My son is 16 and his gf is 15 ... He frequently request to stay at her house .... I've refused for a few reasons

  1. children are far more sexually aware than when i was younger ..
  2. they've been hanging out for very little time although they spend every waking hour together
  3. I don't know the home set up ... She has an injunction against her mum or vice versa ... There's an injunction somewhere .. She lives with her aunt
  4. I don't want them rushing into anything

They all meet up in secret ...

The young girl has gone away for 10 days with her aunt leaving my son a bit crestfallen , however the mum has taken has taken him under her wing .... I've never met any of them as

  1. they are 15/16 it's very early days
  2. he's 16 and it's only very recently I've given him Quite a bit of freedom

He stayed over the mothers last night , as I said the daughter is on holiday , there was a " family party " he's got on with all of the family members he's met so far ...

He asked to meet the rest of the family members and he asked if he could stayed the night .....

I have just phoned to speak to her for the very first time as this is the most significant time he's spent at her hoide and I get a text

"she's cooking dinner she daid ring later "

I am pissed off as this is will be the first time I've spoken to her
My DP thinks its very strange that he's staying at the gf mothers house as she's away
Dinner can effin wait .... She's cooking for my son and Her i rvin that an effort should be made ...

I know it's not all about me and she shouldn't be at my beck and call but
I put all of my callers on speaker phone so I can prepare dinner and speak to them at the same time , I I did this with my sister earlier today
Why is my son texting the message , why don't she put the potato peeler down and send a text or like I say just press the speaker button
I just find it rude
Very rude

OP posts:
ImNotBloody14 · 12/08/2013 19:38

I saidf it before and i'll say it again- you don't sound like you have a fucking clue what you're at, or anyone else in your family for that matter. either that or this is all bollocks.

Original poster
Shinyshoes1 · 12/08/2013 19:44

Aye??

Why are you swearing ?

What do you want me to do ? C'mon I'm willing to accept any help as to what I should be doing on this matter ... What exactly should I be doing then , I'm clearly missing something. . I can't ground the boy cis his gf and mum have an injunction through screaming at eachother

And why on earth would I make this up ? I've better things to do with my time than to make up stories and I'd certainly make up a better one than this

OP posts:
ImNotBloody14 · 12/08/2013 19:50

you need to tune in!!

your reaction to this whole thing is beyond belief tbh. you profess to be oh so very concerned, but when it comes down to it you're totally blasé about it and swallow hook line and sinker the bullshit story you've been told. and hilariously refer to the other family as having a weird set-up! Grin

Original poster
Shinyshoes1 · 12/08/2013 19:55

Well I need to believe what he's told me as I've no proof hes lying ....

He's insistent he goes to the stables to help out with her pony but they''ll be no staying overnight at the mums and no visits to the mums house while she's not there . I can only tell him not to do this

I'm not sure what else I can do

OP posts:
Stropzilla · 12/08/2013 19:56

Sorry, he doesn't have a job because he'd rather see his girlfriend? Wow, at 16 I'd rather have spent all my time with my boyfriend (who was my boyfriend at 15, and husband now) than work but I didn't because I had to pay a bit of housekeeping to my parents, and fund a social life. He's getting money from somewhere trust me. He's fibbing to you and I'm sure he's a great son, but you really need to kick his butt out to work, unless you plan on financing him forever?

Original poster
Shinyshoes1 · 12/08/2013 20:03

We are always telling him to go into the town and get a job but he's not interested .. Lie I said I give him the odd fiver here and there if he does chores but we are not giving him regular money even if he does ask for it daily ... Which he does

Whenever I'm in McDonald's or pizza hut or somewhere like that I always enquire about a weekend job for him .. I give him the details and it's up to him to follow it up which he doesn't

He did paintballing for work experience last year and they've offered him a job through the summer
He turned it down

We were furious but not sure what else we could do if anything

I don't think dragging him by the scruff of the neck and matching him down there is acceptable or appropriate or would go down well in anyone's book

OP posts:
Stropzilla · 12/08/2013 20:05

Stop giving him money at all. Why should he get a job when you will eventually give it to him, even if not daily? You're effectively paying him to live there. Noone has suggested you drag him anywhere but stop making life so comfortable for him.

Original poster
Shinyshoes1 · 12/08/2013 20:06

No money ? At all ? Really ?

Is this acceptable ? I mean do parents do this ?

OP posts:
ImNotBloody14 · 12/08/2013 20:07

well stop giving him money for starters? if he wants a fiver then he should stop turning down jobs!

Reality · 12/08/2013 20:08

Is this a joke?

Stropzilla · 12/08/2013 20:08

Yes. He's taking you for an utter ride. Free board and lodgings, plus the odd fiver when he needs it and can be bothered, and no need to get a job? Brilliant! What 16 year old wouldn't be pleased with that setup?

CoffeeOne · 12/08/2013 20:08

The trouble is with that attitude that most 16 year olds are 'shagging about' like it's something disgusting, means it's unlikely your DS will tell you when he starts to have sex, if he hasn't already.

I was in a loving, long term sexual relationship at 16. It shouldn't be shameful.

If he starts to have sex with his girlfriend when she turns 16, that doesn't reflect badly on your parenting. This is all part of growing up and he's going to do it sometime. Better whilst he's in a relationship and feels happy, no?

ImNotBloody14 · 12/08/2013 20:09

yes, parents do this. it's called teaching them how to earn a living without depending on mummy to fall back on if they cant be arsed.

ImNotBloody14 · 12/08/2013 20:11

" Free board and lodgings, plus the odd fiver when he needs it and can be bothered, and no need to get a job? Brilliant! What 16 year old wouldn't be pleased with that setup?"

plus a mother who believes every convoluted porker he can dream up!

Stropzilla · 12/08/2013 20:13

At 16 I was told I needed a job. The only things that would be provided for me would be food and personal necessities like tampons. When I found a job, I would be expected to give a very small percentage to my parents. Not that it would cover what it cost to live there, but to help me learn to budget and realise life isn't free. My DH was also expected to earn, and he was a cleaner. We were in (and still are in!) a loving relationship but I wouldn't have told either of my parents when we started having sex!

FreeWee · 12/08/2013 20:15

This is when I don't like Mumsnet. There are ways of giving the OP advice and there are ways which are not in the least bit helpful. Not every poster on MN is the same as you (collective you) & reading some threads they get vitriolic very quickly. So the OP is naive in accepting what appears to be a unusual set up. So what helpful advice can you give her? She was clearly worried about her son and wanted to get through to the gf's mother who at the time of posting her first post she genuinely believed he was with. Whether new info comes to light which suggests otherwise or which with hindsight makes the OP feel 'tricked' people seem to be judging her on what they think might be going on without necessarily any evidence. I agree it seems unusual for her son to want to spend time with his gf's mum who has an injunction out against his gf but perhaps that was the only way to meet her family which he may (or may not) be genuinely interested in doing.

OP is your son on Facebook? Is he friends with his gf on Facebook? If so ask him to show you check ins or photos of his gf on holiday to allay your fears about where he was/she is. That can't be faked. That's what I would do.

Original poster
Shinyshoes1 · 12/08/2013 20:17

Thank you freewee I didn't think of that great suggestion :-)

OP posts:
MNHQ
OliviaMMumsnet · 12/08/2013 20:23

Oh look, a helpful guide to our guidelines

Stropzilla · 12/08/2013 20:30

It's possible your son hasn't thought to question the injunction, why would he? Of course he wants to take what she says as true (as you do) and in a perfect world we all could. But sadly if he wants to hide things from you he will. Have you met the girlfriend? If not, he could use pictures of another girl to "prove" to you where she is. Plus I know at 16 I'd find that really intrusive and would make me quite resentful.

Free, I get what you're saying about spending time with this gf's mum without gf there being genuine but really, it's not that likely.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 12/08/2013 20:42

OP - so how is he buying clothes and toiletries etc?

I've remembered a post of yours from a couple of years ago, you were cross with your DP because he kept buying stuff for your son in addition to his allowance or something. Does that still go on?

Original poster
Shinyshoes1 · 12/08/2013 20:48

That was probably me buying him stuff and Dp being annoyed

I buy all his toiletries and clothes

Well the household money does

OP posts:
kali110 · 12/08/2013 20:54

As soon as i turned 16 i was made to get a job and give money. I wasnt allowed to turn down a job. My dad still gave me some money here and there but only as i was out working and studying, not taking the piss. Why should he go out and work when he has it so easy. I wouldnt hve at 16 if my folks had been like that.
It is possible to be in a living relationship at 16. I was .

littlewhitebag · 12/08/2013 22:41

You know not every 16 has/needs a job. My DD1 had a job for a short while but she had far too much homework to do so we advised her to give it up. I wanted her to concentrate on her studies and now she is doing very well at uni. She has worked every summer though.

My DD2 will be 16 in December. I would not expect her to work while doing her exams. If she wants to get a summer job then that will be fine.

There is enough pressure on 16 year olds without expecting them all to get jobs. I dont think there would even be enough jobs out there.

Dam58 · 12/08/2013 22:49

Still dealing with it. I've shipped my dd off th grandparents she's currently trying desperately to negotiate how to get me to let her home. She has 1 more yr of school left and I do need to try to exercise some control for her own protection.
At 17 they are v impressionable and unfortunately they don't realise that we as there mothers are the only ones who truly want what's best for them. Some women have no boundries. She needs to quit acting like she's in charge of your son.

Turniptwirl · 12/08/2013 22:54

Very impressed with all these jobs he's turning down in this economic climate! But then I suppose employers prefer a 16 year old cause its cheap :-(

You need to teach him that he cannot and should not be turning jobs down for no good reason. Wanting to see his gf is not s good reason.

Stop buying him clothes, only buy him supermarket value toiletries, stop giving him any money. Make sure his dad is on board with this too. He will soon get round to taking a job! Which could well be good in that he will have less time to spend with gf