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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to think it's ridiculous for my DM to expect a phone call every day to check she's still alive!

182 replies

fluffyraggies · 10/08/2013 16:59

Just that.

She's a fairly active 74 year old.

Her social calender is fuller than mine: regular weekly events for her include:

  • historical society,
  • garden club,
  • WI,
  • hair appt.,
  • volunteer work in local NT property,
  • coffee at neighbours,
(All of the above require her to be picked up by someone at a set time each week without fail, and all these friends know how to get hold of me in the event of her not coming to the door)
  • phone call from 2 family members and 2 or 3 old friends
  • me taking her to town for shopping every week,
  • a chat on the phone with me at some point,
  • email contact with more family and friends.

We can add on to this occasional garden parties, coach trips, theater visit and charity event. Plus us visiting or taking her out on family occasions.

She has a good quality personal alarm in the event of a fall or a crisis, which will trigger a call to me, a nearby friend or the police - in that order.

And yet once again i have just had the '' i could die and no one would know for days '' speech. Followed up with how ''X's daughter rings her every day you know, in case something has happened''.

Hmm

AIBU to resist this with every fiber of my being?

OP posts:
Chottie · 10/08/2013 17:01

Not trying to turn the emotional screw..... but my DM is dead, I would love to be able to chat to her everyday......

It's only 5 minutes out of your day?

CailinDana · 10/08/2013 17:03

I presume she lives alone. Even if she has a full social calendar there will still be long stretches of every day where she doesn't see or talk to a soul. She wants to connect with you. Would a quick 5 min phonecall each day hurt?

Morgause · 10/08/2013 17:03

I phoned my mum every day as she got older. And after she died I phoned my dad every day until he died.

I wish I could still talk to them - just for a few minutes.

PoppyWearer · 10/08/2013 17:04

Could the phone call be a text or email instead? My DDad likes us to exchange emails daily, but at least I can then do it at a time that suits me!

LindyHemming · 10/08/2013 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 10/08/2013 17:07

I would call my mum daily if I could (she died 12 years ago).
She has asked you to call as she wants to hear your voice everyday, I think that is lovely. A quick phone call isn't a lot to ask.

Lanceolate · 10/08/2013 17:08

Everyday seems a bit full on, isn't something you want and would cause problems if you ever missed a day. I don't think it would be asking too much for you to call her more often though. Once a week sounds like a duty call.

Justforlaughs · 10/08/2013 17:09

I don't phone my DPs everyday and frankly wouldn't know what to say to them if I did, I'm not sure they would be too impressed with a phonecall that went along the lines of "Hi, just checking you are still alive, that's good, speak to you tomorrow" Grin
That might change if something happens to one of them and the other is living alone. I know lots of people who feel that their lives are incomplete if they don't call their DMs everyday, but I find it a bit odd tbh. I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. Could you manage every other day or twice a week or something, on a regular basis so she knows when to expect you to call.

daftdame · 10/08/2013 17:14

Does sound as if she is attempting to play on your emotions a little bit.

Do you start the conversation with 'Oh not dead yet then?' I think if she is trying to emotionally blackmail you /manipulate you, you could do this in a light hearted way Grin This may be enough to stop the emotional blackmail. Depends how sorry for herself she is though...Some old people can get very down.

I would include her and ring her but if it is all getting a bit much, give yourself a break, have a holiday abroad or agree to ring so many times a week, share the calls with other family members. Then when you've had your break your relationship can be more fun as you will resent the moaning less and you'll have more to talk about.

curlew · 10/08/2013 17:14

Once my mum, also with a busy social life, got to about 75, she rang me, at my request, every morning. If I knew she was up and dressed and ready to start her day I could, in the nicest possible sense of the expression, forget about her. It made my life easier.

meboo · 10/08/2013 17:16

Oh dear, i call my mum many times in a day. I can't imagine not speaking to her.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 10/08/2013 17:18

I think you are being a little unreasonable because would it really take that much stress to phone her once a day to see how she is? She is your mother after all. I can see why the "if I died, no one would know for days" is a little heavy but despite that, I do think it would be nice to phone her every day.

SinisterSal · 10/08/2013 17:21

keeping busy isn't the same as having someone special to check in with though.
My mum is 58 and we talk every day. Sometimes we accuse each other of being boring and having no news. We put down the phone and say 'Look I'll ring you tomorrow, I hope you'll have something to say by then' in a tone of disgust and a heavy sigh.
3 minutes every day is better than a half hour once a week for fostering intimacy and 'keeping up', imo.

DoJo · 10/08/2013 17:23

It sounds like the reason for calling is a smoke screen for wanting more frequent contact with you - I'm not a fan of emotional blackmail, but if it is something which plays on her mind, then perhaps you need to accept that her stated reasons and her actual concerns might not tally and humour her.

KirstyJC · 10/08/2013 17:25

It depends on your relationship with her I suppose - I have never spoken with my mum regularly, prob only about once a month or so, and she lives 15 mins away yet we only see each other about once every few months.

Not because either of us don't like each other, but just because that's how we are - and my 2 sisters and brother are the same. They brought us up to be very independent, and both us and parents are very busy, so that's just how it is.

If she suddenly wanted me to call daily I wouldn't have a clue what to say to her!

FrauMoose · 10/08/2013 17:25

I called my mother every week for a period after my father died, but stopped doing this after several years, because I felt the calls weren't doing anything for our relationships.

I think mothers should also take responsibility for calling children, if they have news and want to talk.

But a fit not-that-old older person needs to cultivate friendships rather than guilt-tripping their children.

For mothers who are computer/mobile savvy texts and emails should also be considered as alternative ways of keeping in touch.

frogwatcher42 · 10/08/2013 17:29

I call my mother and father each day specifically to check they are ok. I am terrified they will be burgled or hurt in some way that means that both of them are unable to call for help. They are still both well and active but you never know - they are getting older after all.

You don't have to worry about talking for long or worry about what to say to them. Some days all I do is phone and say 'are you both ok?'. She says 'yes fine' and I then say 'got to go, bye' and that is that. Other days I will be on the phone for hours.

curlew · 10/08/2013 17:36

"I think mothers should also take responsibility for calling children, if they have news and want to talk."

You only have to read these boards for a couple of days to discover when men's mothers do this!

Whothefuckfarted · 10/08/2013 17:36

maybe she could call you every day? Then if she hasn't called by a certain time everyday you can worry that she's popped her clogs..

purplewithred · 10/08/2013 17:41

As I used to say to my mother when she started muttering about being forgotten 'the phone does have two working ends you know'. Hangover from one of my sainted cousins who used to call my granny religiously every day and my granny worshipped her. Have also told my mother 'you reap what you sow' - ie she never made a big fuss about us and expected us to be independent, and now we are! So now she sometimes calls me. Amazing!

I call her 2 x a week and have a diary reminder to make sure I do it most weeks.

CailinDana · 10/08/2013 17:56

Justforlaughs - when I was living away from home on my own my mum used to (jokingly) send me a text saying "Are you dead?" if I'd left it too long to contact her.

VivaLeBeaver · 10/08/2013 18:00

Are you my secret sister?

My mum is the same age, same activities and says exactly the same to me!

I resist as well, I am a bad, bad daughter.

VivaLeBeaver · 10/08/2013 18:01

And when I ring her, if its been a couple of weeks I get a sarcastic response of "oh, you're alive then".

But she never rings me unless she wants something.

Sallystyle · 10/08/2013 18:04

I call my (55 year old) mum every day, sometimes even twice. I can't imagine not calling her to say hi, but we are very close.

It does sound like she is emotionally blackmailing you a little and of course she could call you but I don't think it's ridiculous of her to want to speak to you every day.

sarine1 · 10/08/2013 18:04

I would call my mother every day from her mid 70s to when she died (or she would ring me). She lived alone and I lived over a hundred miles away. It seemed a small thing to do to check that she was OK. As parents get older the relationship does change and if your Mum is asking for a call, I can't see what the problem is. If it makes her feel more secure is it such a problem to help?