... to think it's ridiculous for my DM to expect a phone call every day to check she's still alive!

[fluffyraggies]

Just that.

She's a fairly active 74 year old.

Her social calender is fuller than mine: regular weekly events for her include:

• historical society,
• garden club,
• WI,
• hair appt.,
• volunteer work in local NT property,
• coffee at neighbours,

(All of the above require her to be picked up by someone at a set time each week without fail, and all these friends know how to get hold of me in the event of her not coming to the door)

• phone call from 2 family members and 2 or 3 old friends
• me taking her to town for shopping every week,
• a chat on the phone with me at some point,
• email contact with more family and friends.

We can add on to this occasional garden parties, coach trips, theater visit and charity event. Plus us visiting or taking her out on family occasions.

She has a good quality personal alarm in the event of a fall or a crisis, which will trigger a call to me, a nearby friend or the police - in that order.

And yet once again i have just had the '' i could die and no one would know for days '' speech. Followed up with how ''X's daughter rings her every day you know, in case something has happened''.

AIBU to resist this with every fiber of my being?

And this thread is an example of why there are so many lonely elderly people living in the UK - with families who just can't be bothered to pick up the phone - let alone visit. Just read some of the comments on here - cut the apron strings?????
Have we really become such a selfish society that the idea of checking on our elderly relatives on a daily basis (by phone) is seen as such an overwhelming intrusion into our massively busy and oh so important lives?

I call my DM every day - sometimes its only a 2/3 min call other times im on for nearly an hour. also try and see her with DD 3 or 4 times a week. shes brilliant with DD and its always in my mind she, DM, will not be here forever so want her to spend as much time with DD as possible. even though she is in her late 60s you often find her rolling about on the floor or crawling about - DD loves her company - makes me sad to think she wont be here forever.

I don't call my mother every day, but that is because she is 52, works full time and we both have busy lives. Plus she has her fiance and my sister living with her. We talk roughly every 4ish days for about 2 hours straight.

My Nan on the other hand I do call more or less every day. She is 78, and gets very lonely when sat in her bungalow alone. It doesn't hurt to give her an hours free call whilst the kids are napping or in bed just to give her some adult conversation. You can get loads of good deals these days with Sky etc so it doesn't cost a thing.

Take it as a compliment, she obviously cares about you.

I do text my mother though quite a lot, we are always checking how each other are. But with her being a carer and working 12 hour shifts, I don't like to mither her on her work days.

My mum is 94 and has had several nasty falls, so my sisters and I have a rota and one of us rings her every day. If she doesn't answer a neighbour can drop in and check. She has an alarm but sometimes won't press it because she doesn't want to be a nuisance. Or she could be unconscious.

For a fit 74 year old it doesn't sound quite so necessary but why not just do it anyway? My mum is a lovely mum and I can't imagine not talking to her if she wanted me to.

I speak to my mum and my gran everyday the are both in good heath, if my gran (74) doesn't answer or call back within a few hours I pop up just to be sure.

She sounds rather controlling to me. If it's a question of "something might have happened", why doesn't she ring you to let you know she's alright? As for this "no-one would know for days", that's just melodramatic! It doesn't sound like she's genuinely worried about this, but maybe she thinks you ought to be worried about it.

And are you supposed to ring at fixed times? If not, what if she's out on one of her jaunts with her friends and doesn't answer. Are you supposed to drop everything and rush over?

Sorry to those of you who have lost parents - I lost my dad 20 years ago, and I loved him very much. If he were here still, I would love to talk to him - but not every single day!

Maybe the fact I live 80 miles from my mother, sister and nan plays a role in the amount of contact I have with them, due to not being able to just pop up and see them on a whim (especially with no car).

I spoke to my father every morning, I would ring him on the way to work ( he was an early riser) and we'd talk for about half an hour while I was driving. Most nights we'd talk as well (Dancing with the Star, Australia's version of Strictly Come Dancing) would usually mean about half a dozen calls complaining about the judges or technique). One night I didn't speak to him, and he didn't answer the next morning. I went by his house and he had died overnight. He was 66. I've never got past the guilt that if I'd spoken to him that night I might have found out something wasn't right.

Call your mother.

Yanbu and some of the guilt-tripping on here is horrible.

Most of my close family is abroad at the moment so I'm my grandparents' go-to contact. Rang them a couple of days ago and my grandma laughed (nicely) at me for checking up on them. They're nearly 90

My point being that different things suit different people. I don't think there's any harm in reassuring your mum that her active social life and regular contact with friends means she's worrying needlessly.

Midnite- x-post with you, didn't mean that to look like I was addressing you in particular. I'm sorry for your loss :(

I only read OP. my mum died 6 months ago and yes I would text (not chat) every day if possible. However, now she's gone and she was the primary carer for my relatively fit grandmother (90 odd but needs lifts to supermarket and hairdresser etc), i can see your point. My GM never calls me, never did and never will unless she needs something (and if she did I really wouldn't mind). So I call her once at least week and sometimes get "hello stranger", which I find a bit irritating given she knows my number and can call me anytime she wants she wants a chat or invite us around. Anyway I think it's the mentality, that they become more focused around themselves as they get older, and never mind I might need my gran to think about someone else other than her, and perhaps a call to see how I'm doing since my lovely mum/friend died would be appreciated. (my brothers don't call her and when we speak I say you could call them but no so it's always me in the middle)

It's tricky situation but some people are a bit self orientated x

Followed up with how ''X's daughter rings her every day you know, in case something has happened''

SOunds like she's in one of those competitive groups -to them she probably says about you oh my daughter fluffyraggies always finds time to call me and takes me shopping every week even though she has such a houseful what with the twins, that husband, her job with the UN, the chickens and of course their just redesigning the kitchen etc etc .

I would call more frequently but remind her she can always call you in a free moment.
I miss calling my Mum fr brief chats about the dress I just bought to wear for x event or what I was going to do at the weekend, or even just to say Hi. I call my Dad every 2-3 days but its not the same much as I adore him as he doesn't want to hear about girlie fripperie. We talk football, whiskey and I take the mickey about Andrea Rieu..... One day in the distance future I hope my now 5 year old calls me just to say Hi Mum how are you.?

I speak to my mum most days. She is early 70's but disabled so she doesn't get out much and doesn't have many friends. I give her a quick ring whilst waiting outside school for pickups, or whilst I am making dinner. Occasionally I will call for "advice" even knowing I can get the info quicker from google because it makes her feel involved from 150 miles away.

Its no hardship, even though we can't be described as close I wouldn't begrudge her a quick natter if it made her feel happier.

Speak to my mum at least once a day here and see her 3, maybe 4 times a week and we never run out of things to talk about, but we're a couple of old gossips.

I can't imagine not speaking to her often.

I am very involved with the care of my elderly father-in-law, and am glad that rather than living on his own, he is now in accommodation where he has a communal lunch. My husband and I shop for him, I get him library books, we take him to hospital appointments, we speak to him on the phone at least twice a week and regularly pick him up so he can have lunch with us.

I have come to the sad realisation over the last year or so, that I do not like my mother who neglected me and enabled my father to behave abusively towards me. My mother prefers my two brothers greatly and also persists in calling me by a name which I have not used for thirty years. My mother is in sheltered accommodation where she has regular contact with others. She is in reasonably physical health and goes out every day.

If the various supports she has were not around, and she was physically ill I would feel obliged to intervene in some way, because it would be wrong to allow her to suffer. But I think karma is in operation. Essentially she prioritised the men in my family and let me suffer. I don't feel any real affection towards her, so I cannot give her warm, cheery, loving frequent phone calls. (I would however have some remaining sense of duty towards her, if there was no one else to help.)

Thank you for all the responses. I couldn't get back earlier.

Just for info. on a few points raised:
-i do see her every week without fail on a Tuesday, and we'll speak on the phone as well, but that's not on a set day.
-i am an only child,
-my father passed away 5 years ago,
-I live about 40 mins drive away,
-she and i both live in a quiet village (someone mentioned worries about crime)
-she will not text (mobile stays in the bread bin switched off)

• and lastly she is absolutely not a 5 min phone call kind of woman!

I can see the majority say IABU. In my defense she doesn't tend to listen to me when i talk, weather it's face to face or not, and, to be honest, she is (and always has been) a very judgmental and rather manipulative person. I have to admit to finding her company hard work. She and i are very different people with very different attitudes to life.

As someone upthread says -unless i'm going to be tied down to a specific time (which, let me assure you would quickly become an unbendable, ''to the very second'' rule, i know, i've been there before) then what am i meant to do if she's out when i ring? I can't assume she's dead everytime!

She wont take her mobile out, too much weight in the handbag apparently (!?)

However, if i go out and forget to take mine with me (or leave it in the car) and she cant get hold of me there's hell to pay!

''I've been ringing and ringing and ringing! Good job i wasn't dying'' - are her first words when i call her back. Not said with humor.

All this is very wearing - and not condusive to a lighthearted chat.

Maybe i should make more effort though.

I speak to my mum daily, usually texts because she doesn't like speaking on the phone.

I don't see how it's such a big deal, as long as you establish it's just a quick check in phone beforehand?

call her up every morning to ask her if shes dead.

She'll soon get fed up

FrauMoose, I'm actually in a similar situation to yours re. the neglect/abuse enablement. However, at this level of care I can cope, although I'd never have Mum living with me. I'm also rather tied in that my sister, who is ill with rheumatoid arthritis, would take on all the responsibility in martyr fashion if I stepped back.

I try to see things in the context of her generation and (in my Mum's case) health limitations. If she'd left my Dad she could never have worked and her family would have shunned her for religious reasons. She wasn't strong enough to rise above those things, but I'm strong enough now. I've spelt it out to her, though, that the family I've created, which is my refuge, will always come before her. There's nothing I can do to her that she isn't doing to herself through guilt anyway, although I can't say that makes me happy.

Very sensible sillymillyb. I know someone who was left alone for 48 hours as a toddler as his mother had died and no one knew . Heart-breaking to think what the child must have gone through.

It would be interesting to see in 40 + years time all the people moaning about having to ring their parents more often than they would like what they are saying about the frequency of their children's calls.

There are always two camps on these threads; those who think you're mean and uncaring if you don't call your Mum umpteen times a week, because she's the wonderful woman who gave birth to you, and if only they could speak to their Mum who's now dead. Totally unhelpful.
Reading your update it seems that your Mum is controlling and can be unreasonable, there's a thread called "Dear Mum" posted over the weekend which gives an excellent overview of this type if Mother, who is all too common.
Your Mum isn't sat all alone for weeks on end, she's out and about and has plenty of company. Maybe just call on a day when you know she's got nothing planned? But if that doesn't suit you then don't feel guilty. I phone my elderly Mum several times a week, but I do it when I can sit down with a cuppa, and have time to listen, as she does go on, and is unfortunately starting to forget what she's told me. If I'm away on holiday I don't call, have had previous holidays ruined with tales of woe that turned out to be nothing at all. Don't fall for guilt tripping, it takes over your life, nip it in the bud.

Incomplete post earlier, other camp is women dealing with hectic home and work lives who don't think it's necessary to be at their Mother's beck and call.

what do people who call every day do when they go on holiday?

A big part of being on holiday for me is getting away from it all - so I dont take my mobile. I dont want to be got hold of by work mainly - but also sales and other daily niff naff.

My Nana always used to get up by 8am and open all her curtains. She said she did this like clockwork so when she popped off people/neighhbours would know something was up. Sadly she died on a friday afternoon sat in her armchair. She was found the next morning when people noticed she had not closed her curtains the evening before.

There are other ways of preventing yourself lying dead for weeks/days on end undiscovered if that is infact the core reason behind the daily calls. However, I think this is more a lonliness thing with a bit of emotional blackmail mixed in. Suggest the curtains thing and a call every other day and see if thats suitable.