... to think it's ridiculous for my DM to expect a phone call every day to check she's still alive!

[fluffyraggies]

Just that.

She's a fairly active 74 year old.

Her social calender is fuller than mine: regular weekly events for her include:

• historical society,
• garden club,
• WI,
• hair appt.,
• volunteer work in local NT property,
• coffee at neighbours,

(All of the above require her to be picked up by someone at a set time each week without fail, and all these friends know how to get hold of me in the event of her not coming to the door)

• phone call from 2 family members and 2 or 3 old friends
• me taking her to town for shopping every week,
• a chat on the phone with me at some point,
• email contact with more family and friends.

We can add on to this occasional garden parties, coach trips, theater visit and charity event. Plus us visiting or taking her out on family occasions.

She has a good quality personal alarm in the event of a fall or a crisis, which will trigger a call to me, a nearby friend or the police - in that order.

And yet once again i have just had the '' i could die and no one would know for days '' speech. Followed up with how ''X's daughter rings her every day you know, in case something has happened''.

AIBU to resist this with every fiber of my being?

When my father-in-law's ability to cope was declining there were several instances in which we could not get through to him on the phone and drove to his flat - about 30 minutes drive away - feeling uncertain as to whether we would find him alive. On each occasion he had not placed his phone properly on the receiver.

I do not think the peaceful death of a very elderly person is automatically a terrible thing. However the idea of a death not being discovered for a long time is not something any of us would wish for. This is one of the reasons why sheltered and/or warden accommodation for the very old can bring peace of mind to them - and to their relatives.

(My father-in-law used to have a neighbour who would visit him each day, and who also noticed if his milk bottle had been taken in. Once that neighbour died we felt more anxious about my father-in-law's well-being.)

I don't see why children should be expected to take on responsibility for the emotional care/welfare of older parents who are basically quite well. Ideally this is a job which should be shared among friends, the extended family, the wider community, church groups etc. As modern medicine has now enabled people to live for a very long time, and families may be scattered over a wide geographical area, it is prudent for older people to keep socially active rather than to take the line, 'Only my family counts.' and/or 'I want to keep myself to myself...'

It is also really useful if older people can be persuaded to get competent with newer technology before their ability to learn new skills starts to decline.

I think it goes both ways. If you want your adult child to call you every day, you have to be nice to know and make that call a pleasant experience. I don't think you can expect to behave however you choose, refuse to use your mobile, moan and manipulate when you are rung up, and still be rung every day.

I rang my mother daily when my father died, but now it is weekly for a nice chat. In between, I know that her partner will call me if there is an issue, as he sees her every day (they have both kept their own homes) or the charity shop where she volunteers, or the bridge club, would go looking for her.

If/ when something happens to her partner, I would probably offer to ring daily as I did when she was first widowed. But she will say, nonsense, darling, I will text you at 10 am every day so you needn't worry about me, and we can have a chat when you have time. Which is why I never mind ringing her more often....

This is the same mother, btw, who sent my sister off to Uni with a series of stamped, addressed postcards all with the same message "still alive". All my sis was expected to do was to sign and date one per week, and post it.... (This was pre email, pre mobiles, pre Internet, if you young ones can imagine such a thing...)

YABU something COULD happen and she COULD lie there for days. You should just check in. I do. I call my Mum daily...morning and afternoon to see if she's ok.

If I don't want to chat then I say "Just seeing if you're ok! I'm going out to blah blah now and we'll catch up later."

It's not much to ask!

My parents are in their seventies and would be worried about ME if I were to phone them every day; they'd be worried I was lonely and I didn't have enough going on in my life (recently single as well so plenty of Bridget Jones overtones there). They do have each other though, I can see it might be different if it were one.

My mother is 87 and has a limited social life, even so she would think I was totally batty if I phoned her every day - twice a week works well for us as we have both then got a bit of news to chat about.

'But what difference does it make to the dead person if they are discovered one hour or one week after their death? Just makes it more unpleasant for the person who has to deal with the body. You can't let yourself suffer with guilt and what ifs all your life.'

Is this for REAL ?????

OP it's not just about finding her dead It's about her getting old and perhaps feeling more vulnerable. Perhaps she already has some health issues and this is a clumsy way of telling you as you don't seem to be particularly close ?
I think that because she's asked you to call every day, it would be really unkind not to at least try to do it.

My mum was 74 when she died.
Just before she died she was active as your Mum. I wish I could just have one more phone call

I think if the relationship is not 'right' or there is significant difference between what the mother and the daughter want out the relationship, increasing the frequency of the phonecalls in accordance with one person's demands/wishes isn't going to work.

With my own mother I became increasingly conscious that I was going through the motions. It was hard to sound warm or engaged. I felt my voice was constantly becoming flat, even bored. This is partly because I do actually find my mother quite boring. The kinder way of putting this is that the subjects she finds interesting don't much interest me. I became aware of the problems during phonecalls when overhearing her talk to one of my brothers during a visit. My mother used to like shopping very much and the choice of consumer durables is something which interests her. So she and my older brother were talking for a long time quite happily about some planned purchase of hers or his. I find having to buy new items a real chore - and do it with a feeling of total horror when something is broken. The last thing I then want to do is rehash the issues about alternative models, how much I ended up paying etc with somebody else.

I simply cannot be the person my mother would like to be. She is not interested in the person who I am - if she was interested in who I am in the present, it might be a little easier for me to forgive her for her indifference to my welfare in the past.

I agree perhaps everyday may be a little too much if you are not used to it, but perhaps more than once a week may be better.

I call my mum everyday, it's just become habbit now!

My 81 year old grandma had a fit and fell the other day due to the heat and she lives alone 3 hours away from us. If it wasn't for the fact my uncle was visiting her at the time then who knows what would have happened. So to an extent I think calling her every other day would be fair? Despite her age and how active she is doesn't really make a difference. Anyone can have a nasty fall and living alone does get lonely.

You do realise op that you'll never win.

Because you have the temerity to have an actual living parent.

if you'd put 'my mother has just put a meat cleaver in your head' you'd get a Greek chorus of 'my mum died, I'd give anything for her to stick a sharp knife into my skull one more time. '

It's not them lying dead that's the problem. It's the fear of lying injured or ill for hours? days? and no one coming to their rescue. It's such a basic and easy issue to resolve - a 2 minute call daily from a family member? I still remain aghast at all the excuses that people can find for thinking this is such an unreasonable thing to do.
What a set of values...

sarine1, if OP's mum is really worried about lying injured or ill for hours she could be the one to call OP every day for a quick check-in. But that doesn't seem to be what's going on here does it?

NotgoodNotBad - you're right. I just believe that as parents get older, the roles start to reverse and grown up children take on more responsibility for their parents. It's difficult some times, terribly hard work for those stuck in the middle caring for 2 generations (been there, got the t short) but it's how society needs to operate.
New technology makes ot so much easier. I don't mean to be over critical - there's just some real loneliness amongst the elderly which often could be resolved by families with a bit of thought.

or indeed press the panic button on the pendant under her neck

You don't want to ring her everyday. You are entitled to your feelings. Tell her that you won't ring every day but will do on mon, wed, fri or whatever days suit you.

Yanbu.

Emotional blackmail is shite, its horrible to be manipulated. Take some control back.

I don't see why children should be expected to take on responsibility for the emotional care/welfare of older parents who are basically quite well. Ideally this is a job which should be shared among friends, the extended family, the wider community, church groups etc
FrauMoose, you appear to be the consumate entitled MNetter. OK you don't share your DM's interests, but do you not owe her some respect? You appear to to think it is a job to be shared around. I'm glad you are not my daughter.

active, healthy, busy people drop down dead every day

Ok, have I got to ring mu siblings every day as well then?

I call my mum every day and she's only 65 and lives 5 mins away.

Oh compos that made me laugh
I don't talk to my mum for weeks on end, so I doubt I will be phoning her everyday when she gets properly old!

when my mum was here I called her every day for years on end

its your choice op, one you'll always live with long after she's gone

"You do realise op that you'll never win.
Because you have the temerity to have an actual living parent.

if you'd put 'my mother has just put a meat cleaver in your head' you'd get a Greek chorus of 'my mum died, I'd give anything for her to stick a sharp knife into my skull one more time"

Thanks for that, Compos - I'm roaring with laughter! (disclaimer for the offended...I'm 66 - I get to laugh while I'm still here).

Yep I'm still giggling!

When my Dad died 6 years ago, I did call my Mum every single day for a year. I then cut it back to twice a week. She lives 240 miles away. She is not a particularly nice person to know and I do it out of duty. And far too often get the "if only one of my children lived nearer to me".

Yep, that made me laugh compos. I've found many posts have made me smile, despite the seriousness of the thread. So thank you for that actually.

I think a couple of posters have been very brave - suggesting, in effect, that a daily call isn't going to actually prevent death. The person could die 2 minutes after your call.

Before allot of you throw your hands up in horror at me (again), obviously i'm not cold enough to use that as a rational for not calling her. I'm musing along with the thread.

Definitely the fear for a lot of folk is being left undiscovered i think. No one would want that for their family, of course.

My DM would not lay undiscovered for days though. She has folk popping in every day (on top of the list of stuff she does in my OP). The side door is not locked during daylight hours and these friends just walk in. It's a big house with extensive gardens all around and she is a keen gardener - often you have to search for her! This is part of the reason we organised a panic alarm for her. It works out in the garden too. Seriously despite our differences if i really thought she'd be likely to pop her clogs and be left i would already be doing the daily call.

I'm VERY well up to date with her health status. I drive her to 90% of her doctors appts. She had a knee replacement op last year and i moved in with her for a week. Twice daily visits for a week after that, twice daily calls for a while ... she's really not neglected.

Hats off to the posters able to say their relationship with their DM is less than perfect, and they do as much as they feel comfortable with. The rosy picture of a loving, caring, DM/DC relationship is one which is great if you have it - but if you don't, it's tough going. It's hard to admit that too sometimes.

Thinking back a few years there was more contact between us when my kids were younger. Now they are teens it's different. She never would actually babysit much, but i would take the DCs over to their nan's often - as you do when they are younger.

I am expecting again, baby due in a few months (big gap between youngest DC and new baby!) Perhaps the routine between my DM and i will once again change. For the better :)