... to think it's ridiculous for my DM to expect a phone call every day to check she's still alive!

[fluffyraggies]

Just that.

She's a fairly active 74 year old.

Her social calender is fuller than mine: regular weekly events for her include:

• historical society,
• garden club,
• WI,
• hair appt.,
• volunteer work in local NT property,
• coffee at neighbours,

(All of the above require her to be picked up by someone at a set time each week without fail, and all these friends know how to get hold of me in the event of her not coming to the door)

• phone call from 2 family members and 2 or 3 old friends
• me taking her to town for shopping every week,
• a chat on the phone with me at some point,
• email contact with more family and friends.

We can add on to this occasional garden parties, coach trips, theater visit and charity event. Plus us visiting or taking her out on family occasions.

She has a good quality personal alarm in the event of a fall or a crisis, which will trigger a call to me, a nearby friend or the police - in that order.

And yet once again i have just had the '' i could die and no one would know for days '' speech. Followed up with how ''X's daughter rings her every day you know, in case something has happened''.

AIBU to resist this with every fiber of my being?

I don't see why children should be expected to take on responsibility for the emotional care/welfare of older parents who are basically quite well. Ideally this is a job which should be shared among friends, the extended family, the wider community, church groups etc

I think this is a serious concern - and more so when the parent is no longer 'basically quite well;. In an era when families usually lived in close geographical proximity, and typically retirement might be a matter of few years before health declined seriously.

Now people live a lot longer. I've been very involved with the care of my elderly father-in-law. He became a widower in his late 60s, but chose not to go out and pursue new hobbies or make new friendships at that point. He refused overtures of friendship from neighbours as he didn't want people prying or intruding. His old friends died one by one, and he became increasingly frail. (Unfortunately he's also pretty 'boring' now, as an impaired memory means his conversation can be repetitive. I think we should be honest about the fact that it is sometimes pretty hard so spend any length of time with the very elderly. We have to slow ourselves down, repeat ourselves, talk in a louder voice, be very patient, put up with remarks that in anybody younger would be considered, racist/sexist/homophobic.) This would have probably happened away but I believe that loneliness and the lack of social stimulus can accelerate mental decline.)

I think there's a real question. If a 60 or 70 year old person chooses a path which means their social networks decline - despite advice and encouragement from their chidren - how much responsibility then falls on the child when ten or twenty years later, that parent starts to suffer through lack of connection, panics and starts demanding that one of their children fills all the the gaps?

74 is not really very old, and people of this age tend not to keel over and die, or even have falls. They certainly don't usually have alarm pendants. The average age for starting to need care is 85. The OPs mother doesn't need checking on to see if she is still alive. I think that statistically you need to be over 100 before the odds are against you surviving another year!

I don't think in your position OP I'd ring every day, especially with a new baby on the way. With people coming round regularly and the amount of places she goes, the risks are quite minimal though obviously you can't rule anything out.

There will come a time when a daily call probably will be necessary and then yes, a quick phone call each day would be a good idea. DH rings FIL every evening and SIL rings every morning but he is 87 and not too well.

My Mum is 74 and has gone into a home pending a Best Interests decision as she has Dementia. Before she went I rang daily but I had to as she wasn't taking her medication properly and other dangerous things. She won't speak to me now as she thinks I'm evil and it's my fault she's there apparently. Not sure she ever will speak to me again if it is decided she has to stay. I'd love to have a proper conversation with her again but still wouldn't ring daily in OP's situation.

Regardless of if she's going to drop down dead or not, maybe she's lonely and wants to hear her daughter's voice. It's all very well having a busy and active social life but you're her child, she wants to hear from you!

oldandcrabby wins the prize for the most appropriate username on this thread.

Glad you have found the thread amusing op ... I have too.

I would. I mean, she is elderly and needs this kind of reassurance. Yes, she is very active and busy, but she wants to talk to you each day. Could you ask her to call you?

The phone works both ways don't forget

My eighty-something mother phoned a short while ago to find out how my ds is as he has been unwell.

We phone each other, usually about once a week

My mum has a diary v similar to the op. I make contact with her every day. She has to text me when she gets home too. I can't get another mum and she's the best mum I could ask for. She checks on us too - one lone parent to another

I suppose the reason that I prefer less contact with my mother than daily is that she has this awful habit of wanting to know if we got anywhere safe. I have to call her when I get home from a visit and she tracks my brother's movements constantly. I have had to be quite strict about saying no contact when we are on holiday as it just ruins the atmosphere having to call someone regularly. Now I have my own grown up children I make a point of never asking them to call, just leave it to them to get in touch when they want to.

Having said that the OP is BU, I do think that she (the mother) could pick up the phone herself. However, I prefer to be the one to call at my convenience. We have a relative who calls at the same bloody inconvenient time every single day and wants a long chat.

sounds a bit blackmaily. The phone, as other people have said, works both ways. My mother does pretty much the same thing and I'm a little tired of it to be honest and the guilt tripping.
And she starts off every conversation with 'the immigrants...' so I actively avoid calling her.

I knew you'd get loads of people saying "My DM's dead; you should ring yours while she is still alive you cold-hearted cow ".

Well, I say that's complete tosh. My DF is dead. I adored him; I miss him dreadfully; I still wouldn't have wanted to speak to him every day. It's all very well if you're one of these people who loves phonecalls and can't get through the day without 25 calls to your DH and friends. Some of hate the phone. Some of us have very difficult mothers. If I was expected to ring my mother every day, I'd be forced to volunteer for the mission to Mars to preserve my own sanity. Even then, some NASA know-it-all would probably invent an intergalactic Skype facility so she could persecute me in deep space.

OP, your mother is being absurdly overly dramatic. If she is really that worried about being found dead, half-eaten by an alsatian, Bridget Jones-style, why doesn't she just text you each morning?

Another vote for DM sending you a text each morning to let you know she's OK. You can phone quite often but every day sounds a lot if you don't have a particularly close relationship

This is the same mother, btw, who sent my sister off to Uni with a series of stamped, addressed postcards all with the same message "still alive". All my sis was expected to do was to sign and date one per week, and post it.... (This was pre email, pre mobiles, pre Internet, if you young ones can imagine such a thing...)

haha I so love this - will definitely copy when my boys leave for uni or wherever :)

I am one of these people who only uses the phone when I have something important to say/ask. I just could not bear the boredom of having to talk to a person every bloody day... would not even know what to say! My mum is a person who could happily spend 3 hours on the phone every day, and many, many years ago I had to be cruel enough to let her know that I wouldn't be putting up with that. My sister was not so brave, and has to put up with 2-hour call almost every single day, ruining the only time in the day she has to spend with her partner. And yes, I say "ruining" because that is what I call having to listen to my mum's story of how long she took to choose the kitchen's curtains for the nth time.

If you enjoy talking on the phone, and love chit chat, then good on you. But the ones of us who don't also have the right to enjoy our free time doing things we actually like.

Wynken - i'm sorry to hear about that. My oldest friend has just had to put her mum in a home due to dementia. (same age as my mum) Her mum's life has improved dramatically, and she now has more stimulation and company than when she was just at home with her husband, who was too unwell to care for her properly. I hope, if your mum stays in, that after the initial 'shock' her quality of life improves enough that she can see you havn't been 'evil'.

When i was telling my mum about my friend's mum - and her incontinence, inability to recognise family, confusion and crippling frailty - my mum did say how glad she was to have her independence and will hate it when folk have to be checking up on her. (!)

AnyoneforTurps - half eaten by an alsatian funnily enough mum has mentioned, during one of the times she's bought up lying dead for days, that her cat might eat her fingers ....

Thanks to all replying.
I wish she would use text.

I am ashamed to say that i am and always have been the kind of person who, the more they are pushed and cajoled into something, the more they dig their heels in and resist doing it. If folks leave me to it i will end up doing the right thing - i just like to be allowed to sort out my own agenda i suppose. Only-child stuff? Maybe.

I made a point of ringing her over the weekend. Took her out yesterday. She has two friends coming to stay for the week from London next week, and is excited and busy with preparations for that now.

Two things. The selfishness of people never ceases to amaze me. She is your MOTHER and she wants you to call her. It's 5 mins out of your day FGS.

And even if other poster's do not like it, I think that it is entirely relevant that one day she will not be here. All she is asking for is a quick call and you sound like you can't really be bothered.

This makes me sad.

My DM 78 s like this, she has lived alone for many years, if I don't call, I get about 6 calls asking where I have been and why have I not called. She lives about 50 miles from me so not easy to visit and I don't drive nr does she. I feel your pain

littlemog - you clearly dont have a toxic mother.

I didn't see anywhere where the OP said that her mother was toxic....?

your statement sounded general so I made a general statement back.

''you sound like you can't really be bothered.''

Do i really? :(

I've said she's manipulative, and that i find it hard to get along with her sometimes, and that we're very different people. I wouldn't say she was toxic. I do find it easier to keep her a little at arms length. Less ammo for her. Sadly.

I don't want to 'drip feed' now with loads of examples of the manipulative and rather unpleasant things she's said and done over the years. Because she's also been kind and caring at times too.

It goes deeper than 'can't be bothered'.
Seriously i envy all those saying they can do a 5 minute call with their mothers. If i rang and wanted out of the call after 5 minutes there'd be consequences!

fluffyraggies I get you. There are a fair few people I am better keeping at arm's length, for both our sakes. Relationships differ, there are no hard and fast rules.

My nan wanted to go into sheltered accommodation, she felt it kept her more independent, she did not want to rely on family for everything. Although she was pretty good at engaging help when she wanted it and could have everyone running round after her! There were also times of distance and fallings out with family members. Good job there was a lot of love there too!

Oh right twistyfeet - that makes loads of sense....

All the people saying "It's 5 minutes out of your day" haven't met my mother. No one can get her off the phone in under an hour. Even her best friend admits to using speakerphone and checking email till she hears the wittering stop. At times when Mum's health has been poor, I have called her every day; this made no difference to the length of the calls. If anything, it made it worse.

Also, by definition, anyone who thinks it's no big deal to ring their mother daily is not in the same situation as the OP. It is a big deal to her. It would be to me. Families are different.