... to think it's ridiculous for my DM to expect a phone call every day to check she's still alive!

[fluffyraggies]

Just that.

She's a fairly active 74 year old.

Her social calender is fuller than mine: regular weekly events for her include:

• historical society,
• garden club,
• WI,
• hair appt.,
• volunteer work in local NT property,
• coffee at neighbours,

(All of the above require her to be picked up by someone at a set time each week without fail, and all these friends know how to get hold of me in the event of her not coming to the door)

• phone call from 2 family members and 2 or 3 old friends
• me taking her to town for shopping every week,
• a chat on the phone with me at some point,
• email contact with more family and friends.

We can add on to this occasional garden parties, coach trips, theater visit and charity event. Plus us visiting or taking her out on family occasions.

She has a good quality personal alarm in the event of a fall or a crisis, which will trigger a call to me, a nearby friend or the police - in that order.

And yet once again i have just had the '' i could die and no one would know for days '' speech. Followed up with how ''X's daughter rings her every day you know, in case something has happened''.

AIBU to resist this with every fiber of my being?

I ring my mum every day. And that's if I don't see her, because I do that several times a week on most weeks.

Unless she will keep you on the phone for ages, I would give her a five minute call.

My mother panics if she doesn't speak to me for a couple of days, always has done and she's far younger than your mother!

My father used ring home from work every single day when I was a child, just to check in.

I have a very high maintenance family! Dp finds it hilarious, his family go months without speaking.

I used to speak to my Mum every day - I'd ring her or she'd ring me. Started when we were both living alone, and carried on after I married.
(Bridget Jones type fear of being found half eaten by alsations)

She died some years ago and so miss our daily chats.

Sad as it is that others have lost their mother it doesn't help the OP's situation to say she should be grateful. I am sure she is aware that at some point her mother will have passed away and she won't be able to talk to her every day.

My FIL phones us far too much which means we really don't want to talk to him very often and he doesn't give us chance to call him or actually do anything to talk about! Especially considering he is forever emailing my son so knows what we are doing anyway. He doesn't call his other son more than once a week.

If I rang my mother every day she'd think I'd gone bonkers. I am not even sure where she is in the world half the time.

She's 73.

she's old. why wouldn't you call her. what victory are you hoping to achieve if you resist? she won't always be there so call her.

My father used to call his older brother every evening until my father was 96 and his brother died. There is something nice about checking in every day, but I guess it's not for you. You sound like you resent her, and maybe she is a guilt-tripping manipulative person. You are clearly staying in touch and helping her out a lot already.

Make sure to counter those comments with 'ha I doubt it your social life is better than mine!!'

I would increase contact in other ways eg a text or a picture message of the kids having fun. But not a regualr daily call. My mum did it with gran, it drove my mum batty at times!

Twice a day here - morning and night (and occasionally in between). Does get a bit difficult sometimes to know what to talk about.

my mum lives 350 miles away, we lost my dad last year, she is a strong and independant woman but old. I ring her every few days, sometimes I like it, sometimes if she is feeling down I feel sad after calling. she NEVER rings me! I worry about her though and know that hearing from me brightens her up and although she is as busy as an 84 year old who is a bit wobbly on her feet can be she does have long periods of being on her own. My DB see's her every week as he lives in the same town and she has friends and hobbies etc but still most evenings alone can be lonely so I do try but tbh there are days when I just can't face ringing as I can't face hearing her talk if she is in a down fase guilt guilt guilt.

I cannot believe how many of you call your mothers daily.

Time to cut the apron strings.

This really presses my guilt buttons.My mum used to ring every day at teatime and expected me to ring her every day if I was on holiday.I suggested we make it twice a week-Wednesday and Sunday then we could have a long catch up.Only now do I know how much that must have hurt her and I'd give anything to be able to hear her voice on the phone again.She has been dead over 20 years and I miss her so much.

I think when someone is elderly and living alone it is nice for them to know they have someone who will contact them each day, even if just for a 2 minute call. It must get so lonley.

One of us called my nan every day from when my grandad died until her death 14 years later. One of us also visited her 3-4 times a week. She was very lonley and couldn't get out and about alone, she never expected it but IMO it would have been wrong for us not to give her the help she needed as much as we could.

Why is it time to cut the apron strings. Calling your mother every day doesn't indicate dependency issues. It indicates closeness and care.

I used to phone my mum or see her every day until she died 7 years ago

Exactly orange. I don't think having a close relationship with family is a bad thing?

I am 32, and after a recent realisation that I could die and no one would know for days, I now have several friends and my mother check in with me every morning (I have to have that many cos they all forget regularly!)

In my defense, I am on my own with my baby, and I was getting in a right ole panic that he would starve if no one found him quickly.

I wasn't bothered when there was just me on my tod!

As I said, my mother giving me a quick ring every morning made it possible for me to get on with things without worrying about her. So if anything it was selfishness on my!part!

I can understand it. At that age her mortality may well be playing on her mind. She may well be scared that she will die and lie undiscovered or that she will have some kind of stroke/heart attack and not be saved as nobody realizes anything is wrong.

If this is something that is frightening her then for the sake of her peace of mind a phone call is a pretty small thing to do.

I think it's rather sweet she wants to talk to you too.

My sister would text my mum with a weather report every day
Mum would reply
No emotional blackmail, just a quick check in.

I think it people who are 70+ are - despite reasonable health and an active social life - worried that they might have a fatal or disabling accident and not be found, then the sensible thing would be to consider a move to some kind of sheltered housing. There are a lot of such schemes about, and there are real advantages to moving when still at an age and state of health where it is possible to take an active part in choosing new accommodation.

While some people are genuinely close to their parents and enjoy frequent/daily conversations, some of us don't want to feel pressured into constantly ringing up - especially when there are no crises which require monitoring.

I think its quite sad that rather than a 2 minute phone call from a relative you think people should have to move into sheltered accommodation. Perhaps they don't want to leave their home? Perhaps they simply want someone to phone them once a day to check they are ok? Surely not a lot to ask

It might depend - partially - on whether the parent in question had actually been an affectionate parent. If they had been neglectful and enabled someone else to be abusive, one might not wish to look after them in their old age.

Saying 'oh, its only 5 minutes of your day' does depend on whether it is only 5 minutes though. The OPs mum could arrange that she'd ring by 9am (or whatever) each day, and leave a voicemail/answerphone message if OP doesn't pick up - and if she didn't, OP would ring. No prob, not like she's desperate to talk to someone as not getting out.

But it sounds like OP might be trapped in a half hour discussion of the cake competition scandal or whatever each day, which is a pita when you are trying to get stuff done.

I speak to my dad everyday now, but thats because hes stuck inside with my mum who has dementia and talks very little (and what she says doesn't make a lot of sense), and much as I love him and know he needs that sanity break, the wittering does drive me slightly bonkers.

My dad is about that age and I don't speak to him every day. Like your mum he has an active social life. He phones me as often as I phone him. I'm one of 3 though, maybe as an only child she expects more from you?
I wouldn't want to do a regular phone call every day as the person might then worry if you don't call. Phone calls should be a pleasure not a duty and I'd dislike the competitive parenting thing of "xs daughter does this"
Suspect I'd wind my dad up if he tried that with "do you remember what you used to reply when I moaned that "x's parents let them do this that and the other?"
I'd encourage her to phone you if she's lonely.
If my dad didn't answer the phone i wouldn't assume he was dead anyway, I'd assume he was out so I'm not sure where the "I could be dead" thing really fits into it.
She isn't asking for more contact because she wants to talk to you more or is lonely, just to keep up with the joneses. That would piss me off.
If my dad said he got lonely and missed folk to chat to I'd phone him more, but he's usually out.

Is there something in particular that's concerning her? If she's starting to worry about her balance, memory or something else perhaps she thinks something could happen to her and no-one would find her for hours?

I don't want to help her guilt trip you, but the thought of falling down the stairs late evening and no one finding me till late next lunch time (which is when I presume my work might become concerned) isn't a comforting one

Maybe a 'good morning' phone call would work - be clear you'll check in just before you head off out so you don't get tied up on the phone for hours.

I do it for my dad btw - more for me than him as I know through bitter experience he wouldn't necessarily call me (my mobile is on speed dial) if he had a fall. He once sat for a day with a dislocated shoulder (really painful I know but he's had a stroke which I presume must have dulled the pain slightly) and just waited for me to go round in the evening as I'd already said I was going that day.