Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to think it's ridiculous for my DM to expect a phone call every day to check she's still alive!

182 replies

fluffyraggies · 10/08/2013 16:59

Just that.

She's a fairly active 74 year old.

Her social calender is fuller than mine: regular weekly events for her include:

  • historical society,
  • garden club,
  • WI,
  • hair appt.,
  • volunteer work in local NT property,
  • coffee at neighbours,
(All of the above require her to be picked up by someone at a set time each week without fail, and all these friends know how to get hold of me in the event of her not coming to the door)
  • phone call from 2 family members and 2 or 3 old friends
  • me taking her to town for shopping every week,
  • a chat on the phone with me at some point,
  • email contact with more family and friends.

We can add on to this occasional garden parties, coach trips, theater visit and charity event. Plus us visiting or taking her out on family occasions.

She has a good quality personal alarm in the event of a fall or a crisis, which will trigger a call to me, a nearby friend or the police - in that order.

And yet once again i have just had the '' i could die and no one would know for days '' speech. Followed up with how ''X's daughter rings her every day you know, in case something has happened''.

Hmm

AIBU to resist this with every fiber of my being?

OP posts:
NoiseInMyHead · 10/08/2013 19:09

I barely ring my mum, she complains. But she was the same with her mum also also complained.

Sadly I think dd will be the same, we're all fiercely independent!

lougle · 10/08/2013 19:26

I phone my parents every morning. It takes literally 2 minutes - how are you, did you sleep ok, what are you up to?

I feel better for knowing they're ok. They like to hear my voice.

We see each other at least once per week, but there's no pressure.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 10/08/2013 19:27

Maybe she just misses you?

I ring my mum every day for a natter. She lives over a hundred miles away and we both miss being able to meet up a couple of times a week as we used to when we lived in the same town.

LazyMonkeyButler · 10/08/2013 19:33

Just ring her. I didn't speak to my mum enough - I texted her every day but would maybe only physically speak to her once a week.

She died after a 6 week illness, last September and I would do anything to be able to speak to her. Likewise, my dad who died 10 years ago.

diddl · 10/08/2013 19:36

I would say it's up to you tbh.

Others do what works for them, you do what works for you!

Spikeytree · 10/08/2013 19:37

My parents were disabled so I always talked to them every day - one day I rang them, next day they rang me. Then my dad died so I had to bring my mum to live with me. I ring her at from work at lunch time to make sure that she is okay and to check if she needs me to pick her anything up on the way. It really doesn't take much time out of the day but makes her feel better. I don't see why you wouldn't want to do something that would bring comfort to someone you love at so little cost to you.

AnxiousAugusta · 10/08/2013 19:45

Just ring your mum.

EldritchCleavage · 10/08/2013 20:41

I don't believe in 'duty' calls, and certainly not every day. You ring her regularly, that's fine. She can ring you too (but probably doesn't because she's too bloody busy).

I would be direct, and say you will not commit to ringing every day. I mean, I ring my parents almost that much, but because I want to , not because I'm required to.

And one of my NUMBER ONE HATES ON MN: people coming on to these kinds of threads to say their parent is dead, they'd love to be able to ring her etc etc... not relevant, horribly guilt-trippy. My father's dying, soon I'll be desperately wishing I could ring him. That's not relevant to your thread, and it doesn't make your mother any more or less unreasonable.

ithaka · 10/08/2013 20:48

Tricky one - my mum is 71 and unbelievably hale and hearty - she helps me out with the children and horses, she is awesome. However, people do age at different rates, so for someone else 74 could be old, I don't know.

I do actually see/speak to my mum every day as we live in the same village, but she certainly doesn't see her self as an old lady who might take a fall and lie dead - because she isn't.

SleeplessInBedfordshire · 10/08/2013 21:13

This thread makes me incredibly sad. You should agree on a frequency that suits you both. Its good that your mum has a personal alarm though. I wish my mum had had one (though being in her fifties she would have throttled me at the suggestion).

candycoatedwaterdrops · 10/08/2013 21:14

Those of you who don't call regularly, perhaps imagine how you will feel when your children are all grown up and seemingly too 'busy' to pick up the phone for 5 minutes out of your day.

I call my grandparents very regularly. They love calls from their grandchildren, it brings them so much joy just to hear our voices. 'Duty calls' let older people know they haven't been forgotten. It's minimal effort on my part but it makes them so bloody happy. There's no excuse not to IMO.

TeamSouthfields · 10/08/2013 21:25

My mum died.. I would love to talk to her every day....

Whats afew minutes out of 24 hours???? People like u piss me off!!!!

3boys3dogshelp · 10/08/2013 21:28

I don't think it's a huge amount to ask really. My gran lived with my parents for about 5 years before she died, my mum used to ring her at lunchtime as well as seeing her morning and night. One day she rang me from a meeting at work to ask me to go and check on her as she hadn't answered. I thought she was fussing as she had been fine 4 hours earlier but went round and she had had a minor stroke, couldn't speak and had slipped half out of bed and was freezing. She had already been like that for the whole morning, I'm very glad she didn't stay like that all day. She was fit prior to this, just moved in for company, so you really never know.
I speak to or see my mum daily through choice, my brother I know finds it more of a chore but rings for 5 mins on his way to work 2-3 times a week to check in. Mum knows he has a finite amount of time to talk. She is only in her 50's and definitely doesn't demand calls but it makes her happy so why not?

TeamSouthfields · 10/08/2013 21:32

How is calling ur mum so wrong, u need to cut the apron strings!!!!! ??? Grrrrr

ITCouldBeWorse · 10/08/2013 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSurgeonsMate · 10/08/2013 21:39

YANBU. Just that. (I have an alive parent and a dead parent, for reference.)

SinisterSal · 10/08/2013 21:43

It sounds to me like she needs to feel connected to someone special. that's different to being busy or independent, it's just wanting a strong link. Like a greeting when you wake or coem home form work. People living alone don't have that, I guess people in the middle of busy families underestimate how connected, loved, safe it makes you feel to check in and be noticed.

Beastofburden · 10/08/2013 21:55

She is saying that group social activities are not personal enough, she needed to be able to tell her friends that her daughter calls every day.

Partly, some of this age group can be unbelievably competitive with one another. If they are not boasting about grandchildren they are talking about how special they are to their kids and how they are rung daily, or their daughter is still local and pops round all the time. Even if your mother is not like this, she will be among people who are.

Partly, she doesn't quite believe in the arrangements being personal enough to pick up if she does have a seizure or something. Perhaps or mother is not good at being self sufficient?

I would text her every day and ring less often, but tick her off if she still wheels out the emotional blackmail.

Kat101 · 10/08/2013 22:11

Texting is the way forward. Can she text? Would she learn? My dad often sends me a blank text followed an hour later by a text that says argh what happened it disappeared!

I would dislike the pressure of phoning every day, and would come to resent it.

pianodoodle · 10/08/2013 22:12

My mum lives in Ireland and I'm in England. We speak every day, not because she's old (only 55) just...because!

She spoke to her mum every day too it's just what we do!

Maybe a few minutes in the morning just to say hi is all she wants? Even if you think it's unreasonable this is a request I'd oblige as it doesn't really put you out that much.

Mintyy · 10/08/2013 22:14

Yanbu, I would find a daily phone call too much! Who else could she check in with daily? Does she have friends/siblings?

pianodoodle · 10/08/2013 22:16

Whoever mentioned cutting apron strings... nonsense!

I like to feel connected to my family especially being far away - and I don't like missing gossip either :)

DD is also getting to the stage where she wants to speak to Nanny on the phone in the mornings and it's important to me that she knows her properly not just as someone she sees a few times a year.

ExitPursuedByABear · 10/08/2013 22:20

I visit my housebound father every day.

You do what feels right for you.

ArthurCucumber · 10/08/2013 22:22

I must admit, I do that and don't mind. Mum is quite happy with a quick "well, I won't keep you" call. My sister calls her at a different time and someone always sees her in the evening. But Mum is 84 with some health issues, so it makes practical sense and helps her keep her independence. At 74 I was only calling her once a week, but she was still very active and wasn't living on her own.

ThePigOfHappiness · 10/08/2013 22:23

On the back of reading this I've rung my mum and been on the phone for nearly an hour. She only lives 10 minutes away and I are her a lot since she's minding my kids for the summer, but she lives by herself and doesn't go out socially much. It was really nice to talk to her for a while with no kids there Smile
Maybe everyday is too much, and it's nice to talk because you want to, but would every second day be too much? Not as an obligation, just because you know she'd like it?
Firmly on the fence here!