... to think it's ridiculous for my DM to expect a phone call every day to check she's still alive!

[fluffyraggies]

Just that.

She's a fairly active 74 year old.

Her social calender is fuller than mine: regular weekly events for her include:

• historical society,
• garden club,
• WI,
• hair appt.,
• volunteer work in local NT property,
• coffee at neighbours,

(All of the above require her to be picked up by someone at a set time each week without fail, and all these friends know how to get hold of me in the event of her not coming to the door)

• phone call from 2 family members and 2 or 3 old friends
• me taking her to town for shopping every week,
• a chat on the phone with me at some point,
• email contact with more family and friends.

We can add on to this occasional garden parties, coach trips, theater visit and charity event. Plus us visiting or taking her out on family occasions.

She has a good quality personal alarm in the event of a fall or a crisis, which will trigger a call to me, a nearby friend or the police - in that order.

And yet once again i have just had the '' i could die and no one would know for days '' speech. Followed up with how ''X's daughter rings her every day you know, in case something has happened''.

AIBU to resist this with every fiber of my being?

We called my nan from our holidays. Or whoever wasn't away took over for that week.

I seriously don't get why you have an issue with it? A quick call why not? My Mum calls my gran everyday and I will call my Mum everyday if she finds herself alone.

YABU
Until last week I would have said you weren't but on sunday my next door neighbour died
he lived alone and was in his 80s
he had been died for anyhting up to 3 weeks before his DIL
found him
the guilt that I feel is unimaginable and I only really knew him to say hello to and send xmas cards
the last conversation he had with a neighbour he spoke about sunbathing in his front garden instead of the back garden and said at least if he died then someone would find him in the front
I guess that dying and not being found is something that a lot of old people worry about

I think that yanbu.

She hasn't asked you to do it.

Just hinted by telling you that someone elses daughter.

I would say it's up to you.

But what difference does it make to the dead person if they are discovered one hour or one week after their death? Just makes it more unpleasant for the person who has to deal with the body. You can't let yourself suffer with guilt and what ifs all your life.

Maybe the person who is worried about dying alone is thinking about the person who may find them or maybe they are just worried about being dead alone for weeks on end since no one knows what being dead feels like.

"no one knows what being dead feels like."

MissStrawberry You can't be serious.

I think a lot depends on how you view being alone yourself. I can quite happily be alone for long periods of time. In fact if I have an extended period of socialising I crave time alone, although I do enjoy socialising.

I think everybody is different, so there are no rules regarding what is 'right' in this situation. Both people in a relationship need to be happy and inevitably there will be give a take on both sides.

Yes, you may give extra consideration to people who are vulnerable but you also need to be realistic, everyone needs a break and the OP's Mum does not sound that vulnerable, in fact she sounds quite capable.

You don't want to validate negative viewpoints, regarding capabilities, that would be enabling a person to behave in a negative way towards themselves and you. Er on the side of caution maybe, but you don't need to go completely over the top. If she sees people regularly, makes arrangements, people would miss her and investigate if she didn't turn up, wouldn't they?

the fact that my neighbour lay undiscovered meant that whne he was found he was unrecognisable- his whole bedroom had to be disposed of because it was covered in bodily fliuds and magots- all of this was left out on the front garden waiting for the council to come and pick it up- they said they would come the same day but didn't actually come until the next day
my dd had to stay at a friends house because the site of the mattress et al was too upsetting
the smell coming from the house was unbearable- we had to go out and close all the windows- I also ad to redo all my washing which had been out on the line
sorry to go on but it's not just a matter of lying dead until you are found- it's much more than that
they also can't arrange the funeral because they don't know how he died yet
I shall never forget the sight of that poor woman running around the street in anguish and utterly agitated the day she found him

One thing we most definitely do know is what being dead feels like!

As I said, I got my mum to ring me in the morning song knew she was up and going. She used to ring, say something like "good morning- i'm fine, have a lovely day!" If I was busy she would leave a message.

Then I knew she was OK and I could get on with my day.

insancerre A lot of people need a post mortem after they die if they have not seen a doctor recently / there is no straight forward explanation for death.

Yes it is horrible when a dead body remains undetected for a while, but I do not think this would happen in the situation the OP described.

Sounds like my worst nightmare. My mother expects similar but I'm afraid she has never been remOtely supportive of me (and still isn't, even though I'm a single parent and work full time). She just tells me how I've failed in everything and always makes me feel terrible. I think as a parent you get from your children what you have put in!

Sorry to turn this thead a bit grim. What I was trying to say that if someone e.g. my Mother died, it would make no difference to her if I telephoned 5 mins or 5 days later, so saying "I could be lying dead" is really irrelevant, and used to make us feel that we must check daily just in case. Yes I agree that a lot depends on how you feel about being alone, my Mum really hates it, but what can I do? I live miles away and try to keep in touch as much as I can but can't always phone at a set time each day due to work etc.

I think it's very clear that there aren't just two camps - those who think their mother is wonderful and those who "have hectic work and home lives". For example, I've said myself upthread that my mother is far from wonderful, and can now add that my work and home life is indeed hectic. Perhaps it's because my Mum is much older and we do loads for her, but a quick daily phone call really seems like nothing.

I hear you on the holidays, though. As my sister and I share her care, we have to coordinate our holidays anyway, and that includes the phone calls. Whoever's away just switches off and doesn't phone. If I was an only child I'd probably have to keep up the calls, though.

I must be sad or something, because even when on holidays, I still (especially my nan) ring but not for as long as I usually do at home. I just know she loves to hear what we have been up to, and I suppose it is just routine for me now. I enjoy our chats and gossip! And it gives me peace of mind knowing she's ok.

I think it depends on the relationship really. If it is fraught, and not that good, then the thought of having to ring on a daily basis isn't going to be appealing really is it.

Made me realise I am lucky actually.

It's a tricky one. I visit my mum once a week. She gives me a blow by blow account of what every single member of my family is doing, even though we are rarely in contact with each other. She's quite negative about everyone and when she's not, it's usually a subtle way of playing us off against each other. She's 74 too but what do you do, you have to visit. I also email a fair bit during the week, just bits n bobs about the kids and stuff on the telly, in the news etc. I have 4 other siblings, I know one of them visits most weeks and another one not quite so much, but a bit better at taking her out and doing things with her like theatre, garden centre etc. The two kids that she put on a pedestal rarely visit or make contact. Families eh lol.

ignore her emotional black mail, it'll only get worse. There is no need to call an active, healthy adult everyday.

Also ignore the grief one upmanship the 'my mum's dead I'd love to call her everyday.' It isn't helpful.

Hi fluffy, YANBU

There is no way I would call my mum every day. She is early 70s, and usually has 2 or 3 social activities a day, so no chance of falling and lying undiscovered. I ring her maybe every month or so.

I think you've taken a bit of a pasting really - though I suppose if someone has grown up in a close family it must be a bit shocking to see examples of families who operate in different ways.

If people are pissed off at 'people like you' they must be horrified by my even more lax contact. But not everyone gets on with their mother!

ArthurCucumber yes a bit simplistic to suggest just 2 camps; maybe those who do willingly, those who do grudgingly or due to guilt, and those who don't bow to parental pressure. I'm an OC and have no contact whilst on holiday, learnt my lesson as previous holidays have been ruined by my Mother telling me all sorts of things which made me stressed/worried, which turned out to be a storm in a teacup, but she had no-one else to unload on, and thought nothing of worrying me.

My mum is 70 and lives 110 miles away. My step dad died nearly 2 years ago and she is on her own. She has a busy social life, volunteering at the local hospice.

She texts me every morning to let me know she's up as she was worrying about being alone and falling down the stairs. If she's not texted by about 10 I ring her.

I speak to her twice a week.

A neighbour's 70 year old mum lay dead for a week before anyone found her.
She had a very busy social life.
She had had several phone calls whilst she was lying dead and everyone just presumed she was out.

I rang my 70+ plus year old Mum every day.
The day she didn't answer, she was indeed dead.
It was about eight hours after she had died.

OP: We do all die you know.

I suppose if you won't be upset at her lying dead for a few days, then there is no need to ring her every day.

active, healthy, busy people drop down dead every day.

op your mom is old and asking you to call her once a day.

why wouldn't you really. why resist it with 'every fibre of your being?'

sad post really.

"ignore her emotional black mail, it'll only get worse. There is no need to call an active, healthy adult everyday.

Also ignore the grief one upmanship the 'my mum's dead I'd love to call her everyday.' It isn't helpful."

I agree. My own mother used to moan if I didn't answer her daily calls. During those calls, she would complain about my father, other relatives, remind me of the hard life she'd had (not true), and rarely asked about my life or my children's.

And who are these women in good health, in their 70s, who want to be checked up on every day? I'll be 70 in 4 years and if my children suddenly start calling me every day to make sure I'm alive, I'll be somewhat pissed off. It's different if the aged parent is disabled or frail or terribly isolated, but this isn't the case for the OP's mother.