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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU. for being worried about yelling my grown up dc Im pregnant!

249 replies

Shellywelly1973 · 07/08/2013 23:40

Im 15 weeks pregnant with 6th dc.

Oldest two are 24 ds & 21 dd. Ds doesn't live at home but dd does.

I think ds will probably be ok but dd wont be. She doesn't like her younger sister & brothers. She makes it very clear!!

I really can't hide the pregnancy much longer. Im a very small person & Im down to a couple of outfits i keep rotating to hide my bump.

I feel silly being worried about the dcs reaction. Honestly its nearly as bad as telling my mum i was expecting my now grown up dc!

Any suggestions as to how to tell them in the nicest possible way would be appreciated! !

OP posts:
Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 07/08/2013 23:40

Not yelling...telling!!

OP posts:
Primafacie · 07/08/2013 23:43

Sorry but the yelling bit made me laugh!

If she doesn't like it, maybe she should move out?

Snatchoo · 07/08/2013 23:44

Honestly?

She's an adult, just tell her. If she has a bad reaction, because she doesn't like her younger siblings tell her she is behaving like a child. Because she is. What will she do, have a tantrum?!

Don't be scared of her reaction.

And congratulations!

LEMisdisappointed · 07/08/2013 23:45

wow - congratulations OP! I had a big age gap with my DD1 and 2, telling her was fine, she was pleased but sadly she never really bonded with DD2 :(

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/08/2013 23:45

Well, I'd probably fall off my chair if my mum told me she was pregnant now (I am 24)!

I'd approach them like adults and just say it rather than trying to sugar coat it in any way. They are adults, they should behave as such.

Your dd can move out if she doesn't like it can't she.

Congratulations by the way. I hope they take it well and you can enjoy being pregnant afterwards.

MammaTJ · 07/08/2013 23:47

Yell/Tell/Whisper, whatever you feel like doing. She will survive!! She is meant to be a grown up now, if she doesn't behave like one, you have every right to tell her off like a child.

Congratulations fuck me, you're brave.

Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 07/08/2013 23:48

Maybe yelling is more appropriate?!

Dd isn't in a position to move out. She's training but to be honest she's incredibly difficult to live with. I love her & Im very proud of her but i don't always like her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 07/08/2013 23:51

Im not brave!! Madly this baby was planned but some days i can't remember why!!

I've already done teenagers & toddlers...& will again!

OP posts:
ArkadyRose · 07/08/2013 23:59

My eldest two are 20 and 18, youngest is 6. When I fell pregnant with DD3, DD2 didn't take it at all well, complaining that I didn't ask her how she felt. I was pretty blunt and pointed out that actually how she felt was irrelevent as it's MY body, not hers - and I didn't ask DD1's opinion when I had her either! Both DD1 & DD2 objected when I told them DP & I were trying for another child last year, but when I had two mc one after another - the 2nd at 12 weeks -both girls were upset and cried. They now understand & accept that we are TTC again and DD2 in particular is being supportive.

MammaTJ · 08/08/2013 00:00

I have done the teen thing once with DStD, now age 29 and with DD now age 18 and have it to look forward to with DD age 7 and Ds age 6 in the future, I know exactly how daunting it is probably moreso to us than first timers, because we know the realities.

Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 08/08/2013 00:06

Ark- Im sorry for your mcs. I had a mmc last February. That baby wasn't planned but it made me desperate for one last baby. My youngest is 5.

Ds was kind but he didn't really know what to do or say. Dd barely acknowledged it. She never even asked if i was ok. She wasn't unkind or say anything, unlike other family members.

My dc don't see me as a person, Im just mum.

OP posts:
DragonMamma · 08/08/2013 00:12

No advice but I was 24 when my dm told me she was pregnant. My brother was 22 so a massive age gap. I took it badly, I was also pregnant at the time and it felt very Jeremy Kyle. It took me a long time to comes to term with it and we obviously don't have a traditional sister bond, I'm more like another mother and feel responsible for her.

internationallove985 · 08/08/2013 00:15

Congratulations. I promise you they will be delighted. Okay it will be a shock at first but once he/she is born you dc's will be thrilled to bits.

I have a 14 year old and I am currently ttc. She can't wait to have a brother or sister.
I think I've got to the point where I'm thinking it's now or never. xx

internationallove985 · 08/08/2013 00:20

I feel I must say this about your D.D. Do you think she may be somewhat envious of you. I hope I haven't upset you with that comment. Like I said though when/he she is born they wont be without him/her. xxx

Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 08/08/2013 00:35

Oh no my dd isn't envious of me!! Your comment doesn't upset me.

My dd has no interest in children. She is training to be an Engineer, she will have a very good & well paid career. She has a lovely boyfriend. Great holidays & social life.

We are nothing alike. She's like my sister. We are chalk & cheese!

OP posts:
SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 08/08/2013 02:16

I think, as an independent adult, who is lucky enough to be supported by you as she apparently isn't in a position to support herself in her own separate home, because she has great holidays and a social life
she doesn't have much say TBH.
Your DD sounds quite selfish. I have a 14yo and a 17yo. They couldn't have been more wonderful when I MC in February. They are delighted that they are getting a sibling and are really supportive.
I remember your threads about your family. It sounds like DD might be a chip off the old block. I would tell her, but don't take too much notice of her response. She is old enough to lead her own life elsewhere if she isn't happy.

frogspoon · 08/08/2013 07:16

My dd has no interest in children. She is training to be an Engineer, she will have a very good & well paid career.

I think, as an independent adult, who is lucky enough to be supported by you as she apparently isn't in a position to support herself in her own separate home, because she has great holidays and a social life she doesn't have much say TBH.

If she's still training to be an engineer, i.e. hasn't completed her degree, she isn't actually independent yet? Presumably she is living at home to save money. There is a massive different financially between living independently (rent, food, bills etc) compared to one or two nice holidays a year.

If she is 21 she is perhaps about to enter her 4th year (assuming no gap year). From the dates, I guess the baby is due around March, right when she is preparing for a her finals. I think it would be pretty horrendous trying to complete the final year of a degree with a screaming baby that you didn't ask for and didn't want. Not a suitable atmosphere for a student to study in at all.

No matter how you put it, you will basically be giving her the message that either she is to put up with it or move out of the family home. She will feel very unwelcome in her own home, rejected and may even believe that you care about the new baby more than her, because you are putting it's needs before hers.

Sorry, that probably isn't what you wanted to hear. By giving her a choice between living in an unsuitable environment, or moving out with little notice in her final year, you are being quite unsupportive.

ll31 · 08/08/2013 07:24

Think prev poster is unreasonable. Your dd may be facing final uni yr but that doesn't mean all life her has to stop. congrats, just tell her,maybe shell surprised you.

Re prev poster I find it bizarre how people seem to treat their chiLdren, esp adult children, as being incapable tbh. Not healthy for anyone

ll31 · 08/08/2013 07:26

Living in an unsuitable environment??? Because of a .........baby! Madness!

livinginwonderland · 08/08/2013 07:28

Firstly, congratulations! YANBU to be worried, but just tell them! You're an adult and frankly, it's not really anything to do with them.

However, I'm 24 and I wouldn't really be too impressed if my mum announced she was pregnant right now. I'm at the age where I'm thinking about starting a family, and I would find it very weird to have a sibling that was only a year or two older than my own kids. I also wouldn't like to have a sibling I'd have nothing to do with or in common with due to our ages and living situations.

You say you don't like her sometimes, do you think she feels as though you like your other children more than her? Because if I knew my mother didn't like me much, I'd be extremely pissed off and upset to see her have
more children that she clearly liked more than me.

Tiredemma · 08/08/2013 07:29

She is an adult.

She needs to deal with it like an adult "doesn't like her younger sister and brothers"??? is she very immature??

And hiding your bump?

Come one- this is your house!!!

Famzilla · 08/08/2013 07:34

I guarantee your daughter already knows you don't like her, and as a result is jealous of her siblings.

This thread made me feel quite sad really.

littlecrocodile · 08/08/2013 08:01

My mum fell pregnant when I was an older teen and was nervous about my reaction. She didn't tell me until she was around 6months gone. I was very hurt by the news, not so much that she was pregnant, but that her and (it seemed) everyone else had been keeping it secret from me, I felt totally excluded. So my advice would be tell them sooner rather than later.

MrsPercyPig · 08/08/2013 08:09

Congratulations! A lovely new baby for the family is such a blessing !

Don't worry about your daughter, if anything I would tell her and the rest of your dc ASAP- v nonchalant, "we're having a baby in x months". No need for a big dramatic announcement and give her plenty of time to get her head around it.

Remember she is an adult herself now and needs to be tolerant of the decisions and actions of those around her!

Doodledumdums · 08/08/2013 08:17

Congratulations!

I understand why you're nervous about telling them, but i'm sure they will be fine once they get used to the idea.

FWIW, I think it's a good thing that you didn't discuss it with them first. when I was about 14, my parents asked me and my brother how we'd feel about another sibling and we were horrified and said no way. At the time my selfish teenage self didn't care how sad my mum was that we'd said no, and she hasn't mentioned it since, but I know she'd have loved another and I feel bad that she listened to us and didn't have one.