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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU. for being worried about yelling my grown up dc Im pregnant!

249 replies

Shellywelly1973 · 07/08/2013 23:40

Im 15 weeks pregnant with 6th dc.

Oldest two are 24 ds & 21 dd. Ds doesn't live at home but dd does.

I think ds will probably be ok but dd wont be. She doesn't like her younger sister & brothers. She makes it very clear!!

I really can't hide the pregnancy much longer. Im a very small person & Im down to a couple of outfits i keep rotating to hide my bump.

I feel silly being worried about the dcs reaction. Honestly its nearly as bad as telling my mum i was expecting my now grown up dc!

Any suggestions as to how to tell them in the nicest possible way would be appreciated! !

OP posts:
Eyesunderarock · 08/08/2013 12:38

'I know that my parents would never really accept me or my future family if I were to do things any differently from how they have.'

Would you like them to? Would you like them to love and accept your choices as an adult, whether you chose not to have children or even had a same sex partner? Would you want them to smile and wish you well if you accepted a wonderful job on the other side of the planet?
Your comment sounds so very sad and fearful. Sad
I had very clear ideas about the sort of family and children I was going to have. Unfortunately they turned out to be individuals with their own minds, and preferences. So I still have no one to go to Shakespeare with. Or share a curry.

OneStepCloser · 08/08/2013 12:41

frogspoon, that is indeed a sad statement, and in your circumstances you really need to live your life as you want, not what your parents expectations are, if you do things to make your parents happy, you will never be 100% happy with yourself, you owe it to yourself to be your own person.

frogspoon · 08/08/2013 12:43

Indeed. Maybe we just have very different family setups. It just never crossed my mind that it had anything to do with me.

Well the new child would be part of my family for my whole life, and at the moment I am still living at home. So whilst it would not be my decision, it would be a decision that affects me.

My mum also has a good job and is in a happy relationship, but that doesn't mean she should bring a child into the world.

It may also be an age thing, my parents are in their mid-late 50s. It would be unfair to bring a child into the world where their parents will be pensioners by the time they are in primary school, and in their mid 70s by the time they graduate. It would also be unfair to expect their adult children who have their own lives to be responsible for this child if anything happened to them.

frogspoon · 08/08/2013 12:47

Would you like them to? Would you like them to love and accept your choices as an adult, whether you chose not to have children or even had a same sex partner? Would you want them to smile and wish you well if you accepted a wonderful job on the other side of the planet?

Of course I would, but you can't always get what you want.

I find it very strange that whilst you expect the OPs DD to fake happiness about her mother's decisions, you don't expect me to fake happiness about mine.

OneStepCloser · 08/08/2013 12:47

frogspoon, you are talking about a very different thing here, a woman in her mid-late 50s is very different to what the OP and others here are talking about, that is a very different thread.

midori1999 · 08/08/2013 12:49

Frogspoon it's pretty lucky for you that you're not my child. My third son has Downs Syndrome. I've chosen not to have antenatal testing in subsequent pregnancies. His 'disability' may or may not affect his siblings as he gets older. It has obviously always had an impact on their lives, sometimes negatively. The same would apply if any other DC had Down's syndrome. Luckily for me, my DC see how their lives are enhanced by their brother, rather than how they are negatively affected by him. They adore him. I in no way expect my DC to be responsible for him if something happened to DS 3, but I think they would expect to, especially DS1.

I'm sorry you seem to have had such a difficult time, but like the rest of us, it really isn't all about you.

OneStepCloser · 08/08/2013 12:50

you are changing the OP to suit your own agenda here Hmm

you are saying that your parents wont accept you if you dont do things their way, thats very different to a adult child to immature because their mother has decided to have another child.

OneStepCloser · 08/08/2013 12:51

being, not to

LaRosaBella · 08/08/2013 12:52

My mum was in her mid 40s when she had my brother so younger than your parents but I always assumed that if something happened to them I would become guardian to him but that would never be an issue for me, but I can understand that you may not feel that way.

Aside from age though why if she could afford to and is in a happy relationship why if she wanted a baby would it be a problem? You say because you a live at home it would affect you, but what if you were 8 or 10 years old would it have upset you then if another baby had been born?

Eyesunderarock · 08/08/2013 12:57

'I find it very strange that whilst you expect the OPs DD to fake happiness about her mother's decisions'

Where did I say I expected the daughter to fake anything? Confused
I would expect a civil and polite response, and an acknowledgement that parents have a right to make choices without considering everyone else's whims and wants if those involved are adults. As a minimum acceptable response.

LaRosaBella · 08/08/2013 13:00

Agree with Eyesunderarock (again!).

frogspoon · 08/08/2013 13:01

When the OP asks her DD "Are you excited about your new sibling", there is no acceptable answer other than "Yes"

So her DD will be either faking being happy to please her parents, or acting like a "spoilt brat". There is no way for her to be honest and to be herself without upsetting her mother.

Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 08/08/2013 13:01

FIn our not verytraditional family, one thing thats very important is individualism. I was brought up by a controlling & manipulative mother. All my dc are very individual.

My older dc have make choices i didn't agree with but they are grown people now who am i to judge them. As their mother my job is to support them. I struggle to understand families such as Frogspoon describes. At times its too my cost but thats how I've chosen to raise my dc.

OP posts:
frogspoon · 08/08/2013 13:05

When I was 8 or 10, I would have loved to have a baby sibling!
Of course it would affect me, but in a very positive way.
Like many young children I may also have been a tiny bit jealous, but would get over it.

The difference is that there is an entire generational gap between a 21 year old and a newborn. The OPs DD is old enough to have a child of her own! And in light of what the OP has said about her DDs feelings about her other younger siblings, it is unlikely they will have a positive relationship.

Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 08/08/2013 13:05

In our not very traditional family, one thing thats very important is individualism. I was brought up by a controlling & manipulative mother. All my dc are very individual.

My older dc have make choices i didn't agree with but they are grown people now who am i to judge them. As their mother my job is to support them. I struggle to understand families such as Frogspoon describes. At times its too my cost but thats how I've chosen to raise my dc

Im 40, so not even considered very old to be having a baby!

OP posts:
Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 08/08/2013 13:10

My oldest ds has a very positive relationship with all of his younger siblings including the youngest, who he never lived with.

Dd will have the relationship she choses with her siblings including. She favours the youngest dc as he's still very cute. With the 12 &8 year old to, i would describe their relationship as very typical.

Frogspoon you make lot of negative presumtions...

OP posts:
Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 08/08/2013 13:12

Sorry for typos on phone!

OP posts:
LaRosaBella · 08/08/2013 13:12

I think that says more about the ops daughter than anything else. The fact that there is a big age gap makes no difference as I speak from experience. He'd be my little brother if he had been born 10 years ago or as it was last year. I think if the daughter does have a problem with it then she needs to get a grip and realise she is a grown woman and should support her mother or move out.

Eyesunderarock · 08/08/2013 13:14

frogspoon, that wasn't my comment.
Mine was the post about living in a house full of Aspies, who are incapable of lying well or dissembling and wouldn't see the logic in such a response anyway. So although DD might feel unhappy if I decided to have a baby at the advanced age of 53, she would also recognise that as adults, we both have the right to make our own choices. So she'd be polite and slightly puzzled as to why I'd do it, but not sulk or feel rejected. Because she's not 6 with an unwanted sibling any longer.
However, if you have been raised in a household where love is conditional, where conforming is a necessity and where being an individual with different aspirations is unacceptable, I can see why you are struggling with this.
I hope there is someone in your future who will love you unconditionally.

Fairylea · 08/08/2013 13:16

I think it's very old fashioned to think parents should stop having babies just because their oldest child reaches adulthood.

People can expect to live into their 90s now. It's expected that most people will work until they are 75 (that's the expected state pension age by the time I get there).

So why on earth should anyone be surprised by a woman of 40 having a baby just because she has older children??

Good luck to you op. Your eldest dd still has some growing up to do.

frogspoon · 08/08/2013 13:16

I make no such thing!

I quote from your original post:
I think ds will probably be ok but dd wont be. She doesn't like her younger sister & brothers. She makes it very clear!!

She doesn't like her siblings! You said so yourself!

Fairylea · 08/08/2013 13:16

I think it's very old fashioned to think parents should stop having babies just because their oldest child reaches adulthood.

People can expect to live into their 90s now. It's expected that most people will work until they are 75 (that's the expected state pension age by the time I get there).

So why on earth should anyone be surprised by a woman of 40 having a baby just because she has older children??

Good luck to you op. Your eldest dd still has some growing up to do.

Fairylea · 08/08/2013 13:16

Sorry posted twice. Oops.

Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 08/08/2013 13:25

My dd doesn't like the day to day busy, noise, madness that occurs when there are 3. young dc in the house. Dd forgets she made the noise of 5 when she was a little girl!

OP posts:
Beastofburden · 08/08/2013 13:26

Perhaps this is more about her preferring her own career choice of engineer to your career of committed motherhood? If she already thinks your choices are inferior to hers, I don't suppose one more baby will make it much worse.

Oddly enough, when she finally moves out, she will probably miss family life. But she doesn't know that yet.

Tell her soon, though. If you hide it from her, you make it "official" that she is not supportive, IYKWIM.

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