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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU. for being worried about yelling my grown up dc Im pregnant!

249 replies

Shellywelly1973 · 07/08/2013 23:40

Im 15 weeks pregnant with 6th dc.

Oldest two are 24 ds & 21 dd. Ds doesn't live at home but dd does.

I think ds will probably be ok but dd wont be. She doesn't like her younger sister & brothers. She makes it very clear!!

I really can't hide the pregnancy much longer. Im a very small person & Im down to a couple of outfits i keep rotating to hide my bump.

I feel silly being worried about the dcs reaction. Honestly its nearly as bad as telling my mum i was expecting my now grown up dc!

Any suggestions as to how to tell them in the nicest possible way would be appreciated! !

OP posts:
OneStepCloser · 08/08/2013 11:30

Of course the dd can have an opinion, I`m sure she will thats part of being in a family. But, an adult child does not have a right to dictate or sulk or stamp their feet if the parents do something the dd may not like. Well, she can, but in her own home not theirs.

I would be so disappointed and upset if my dd was so negative verbally to me, tbh I would be worried and slightly ashamed as to why she was so immature and wonder if I went terribly wrong in their upbringing.

Tailtwister · 08/08/2013 11:32

I think you just have to be honest OP and tell them asap.

I don't have any personal experience, but my mum was in her second year at uni when her sister was born. She said it was a nightmare and very difficult to study. There was and still is a level of resentment there nearly 50 years later.

However you do it I would try to be sensitive to her needs too. She may be an adult, but she is still your daughter and deserves some consideration.

SpecialAgentCuntSnake · 08/08/2013 11:36

But the daughter hasn't expressed anything negative vocally has she?

Who knows, maybe she'll surprise the OP and be happy.

frogspoon · 08/08/2013 11:39

frogs will you be consulting your parents and siblings as to whether its ok for you to have a baby?

What will you do if they say you shouldn't? Remain childless?

Hehe, on the contrary I have the opposite problem! My parents won't stop nagging me about wanting me to have kids so they get more grandchildren! My remaining childless is not an option for them!

MoominsYonisAreScary · 08/08/2013 11:42

My nana said to me years ago "you can't have anymore, what would as think!" I laughed at that and had another 4

Eyesunderarock · 08/08/2013 11:43

Now that would be a lovely outcome SpecialAgent. Smile
Maybe the OP is being oversensitive and her DD is mature enough to respect her right to live her own life without having to only ever be seen as a mother by her children. With no choice about doing anything without considering the impact on all of her children. For the rest of her life.
But a civil and reasonable response from DD would be OK as well. Perhaps her older brother can help her understand.

MrsDeVere · 08/08/2013 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpecialAgentCuntSnake · 08/08/2013 11:45

I think once the OP's daughter has finished her degree and moved out she will most likely have the same relaxed attitude her elder brother seems to have.

Eyesunderarock · 08/08/2013 11:46

Wow frogspoon, that's you sorted out then. Grin
And you have to pick the right partner too, stay with him for life and have children of both sex. And raise them following all the advice you will get from all of your relatives.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 08/08/2013 11:47

Ds even

Gruntfuttock · 08/08/2013 11:50

MoominsYonisAreScary My nana said to me years ago "you can't have anymore, what would as think!" I laughed at that and had another 4

Was that a typo? "What would as think" doesn't make any sense to me.

frogspoon · 08/08/2013 11:54

Wow frogspoon, that's you sorted out then.
And you have to pick the right partner too, stay with him for life and have children of both sex. And raise them following all the advice you will get from all of your relatives.

You joke, but this is actually my life.

I know that my parents would never really accept me or my future family if I were to do things any differently from how they have.

thegreylady · 08/08/2013 11:54

should be ds surely-don't snipe needlessly Grunt Grin

SpecialAgentCuntSnake · 08/08/2013 11:55

OP has said she's a small build, maybe all this worrying is for nothing and she's already worked it out. Wink

Lots of maybes, OP I say just tell them, don't accept rudeness and if she and/or her brother choose to distance themselves from pregnancy, so be it. You need to focus on growing a human after all! Flowers

I really do think your daughter will surprise you OP. I don't think she'll be thrilled but I don't think she'll be cruel.

Silverfoxballs · 08/08/2013 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NomDeOrdinateur · 08/08/2013 11:57

I agree with Frogspoon, and I'm amazed by how hard-hearted, mean-spirited and selfish many of the contributors to this thread are advising the OP to be.

OP's DD is 21 years old, pursuing an unglamorous and very sensible career, and studying for a degree programme which much more demanding than most others. My extremely bright DH did engineering 3 years ago and worked 14 hr days as standard after 1st year, going up to 18 hr days before exams and in the final month of each term - that's more than any of my friends who were the top medics, dentists, arts students, economics students etc in their year at the same (RG) university.

Unless OP lives in a mansion and never asks the DD to "just watch so-and-so" etc, the DD's relationship with her existing much-younger siblings will already be damaged by the fact that their noise, mess, and needs intrude on her adult life on a day-to-day basis, at a time when most of us could expect our family set-up to have moved on. And, by the sound of it, she doesn't get much that's positive out of her family relationships in order to compensate for that. TBH, in her shoes I would resent the younger siblings - and my parents for inflicting them on me.

When you become a parent, you make a commitment to your children to support them until they are able to be independent - that's very rarely as soon as they hit 18 or 21 any more, for reasons that are completely beyond their control. OP's DD, at 21, would probably much prefer that the property bubble hadn't made basic accommodation so ridiculously expensive, and that zero hours contracts weren't the norm for an estimated 2m of our workforce, and that the economy hadn't crashed out and left millions of people unemployed or underemployed. As she can't change any of that, she has taken the very sensible step of pursuing a vocational degree in a subject which the government has pinpointed as having a skills gap (whether that's strictly true or not for new grads is another matter).

It's pointless talking about how OP's DD's circumstances compare to those of other posters. Years ago, young adults may have stayed at home for longer and had far more siblings with whom to share space and resources - but they weren't generally under so much pressure to study and building up their CVs to the level that today's young people are if they want to be able to gain professional employment, so the younger siblings would have been less of an obstacle to happiness. As regards the "when I was her age I was working/living away from home" posts - well, lucky you! In the DD's position, wouldn't you want to be living elsewhere too, if it was a realistic and responsible financial decision. Since it's not, OP's DD has chosen a very sensible path towards that goal (and is working part time already), but she has to finish training before she can afford to live independently.

Until then, her parents' home is also her home and she is absolutely entitled to feel as she does about new additions to the family which detract from her quality of life, without being viewed so negatively by the OP and some of the contributors to this thread. I'm not suggesting for a second that the OP should feel bad about being pregnant - that is, after all, her choice and her husband's choice to make. However, I do find it very sad that so many people are directing so much scorn, disappointment, disapproval and so little empathy and understanding at a very young adult who (by the sound of it) many parents would be delighted to call their daughter.

Gruntfuttock · 08/08/2013 11:59

the grey lady I wasn't sniping, just too thick to work out it was meant to say ds and genuinely baffled. Sad I'll just go and sob quietly in a corner now.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 08/08/2013 12:09

I find the idea of one of my children, adult or otherwise, dictating to me how I control my fertility utterly ridiculous.
^this^. Anyone over 18 is an adult. And should behave like an adult. At what point does one adult get to have a say in another's life, and why should OP be worried about upsetting another adult with her life choices.
What the youngters here maybe don't get, is that once you hit majority, you don't necessarily get to have a say in your parents life. You are an adult, so are they. There comes a point in life where parents take their lives back. In my case, this means that I enjoyed being a parent so much, I'm giving it another go. I'm not replacing the children I already have, but creating another much loved family member. In a couple of years, my children may well have left home and maybe have their own families and lives. Mine will still carry on seperately, and I have made a decision regarding my future, and what I and DP want. We are planning our future life when our current dcs commence theirs. Whether or not my dcs would be happy with my life choices is fairly irrelevant.
Thankfully, my DCs are over the moon, but it really wouldn't have influenced my lob term choices.

LaRosaBella · 08/08/2013 12:10

I'm around the same age as the OPs daughter and frogspoon and I really do not understand why you would have such a problem with your parents having a baby, you are a grown woman why would if affect you so badly!?

My mum had a baby last year when I was living at home and I was at university and since it was my choice to be at home and not in a shared house I didn't feel I hadn't any business reacting negatively. I love that little baby soooo much and I'm so glad my mum had him and I've since got pregnant and now have a 5 month old and our relationship has never been better.

LaRosaBella · 08/08/2013 12:11

Also what right have I got to even have an opinion on my mothers fertility and what she does with her own body.....NONE!

frogspoon · 08/08/2013 12:16

larosabella, you're entitled to your opinion, and i'm entitled to mine

I would be unhappy if my parents had another child. I wouldn't make a big song and dance out of it because I wouldn't want to upset my family, but I would be very unhappy.

GoSuckEggs · 08/08/2013 12:18

I would not be impressed with my mum having another baby. But nothing i could do about it!

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 08/08/2013 12:24

Why would you not be happy? You are all adults and they are making their own life choices as you will make yours. What's the big deal?

LaRosaBella · 08/08/2013 12:25

Indeed. Maybe we just have very different family setups. It just never crossed my mind that it had anything to do with me.

LaRosaBella · 08/08/2013 12:28

My mum was healthy, had (has) a good job, was in a happy relationship and was evidently fertile and it made her happy therefore it made me happy.