AIBU. for being worried about yelling my grown up dc Im pregnant!

[Shellywelly1973]

Im 15 weeks pregnant with 6th dc.

Oldest two are 24 ds & 21 dd. Ds doesn't live at home but dd does.

I think ds will probably be ok but dd wont be. She doesn't like her younger sister & brothers. She makes it very clear!!

I really can't hide the pregnancy much longer. Im a very small person & Im down to a couple of outfits i keep rotating to hide my bump.

I feel silly being worried about the dcs reaction. Honestly its nearly as bad as telling my mum i was expecting my now grown up dc!

Any suggestions as to how to tell them in the nicest possible way would be appreciated! !

What Famzilla and Frogspoon said.

:(

Do let us know how it goes OP

I can't believe people are being so daft about a 21 year old woman. She isn't 16 - or even 18. She is 21.

You can't live your life to please your grown up children who have a life of their own.

If she doesn't want to live with a new baby in the house then she can always do what the majority of students do and live elsewhere.

It's a huge learning curve for children when they become adult and their parents move on from servicing their every need and want to actually daring to have lives and ideas of their own, from new haircuts to hobbies, to emigrating.
Your DD may not be happy, but if she's living under your roof she must be civil and accept what's happening with good manners. Or she should move out. If she isn't in a position to, then she has to see you supporting her financially and her compromising and helping out as the deal. That's only fair.

'My dc don't see me as a person, I'm just mum.'

This needs to change, whether they like it or not.

'If she is 21 she is perhaps about to enter her 4th year (assuming no gap year). From the dates, I guess the baby is due around March, right when she is preparing for a her finals. I think it would be pretty horrendous trying to complete the final year of a degree with a screaming baby that you didn't ask for and didn't want. Not a suitable atmosphere for a student to study in at all.'

Have you ever tried to study in a student house? DD found it impossible last year due to two housemates who partied like the zombie apocalypse was about to arrive.
That's why she used the university library, staffed til ten and open longer than that. She's also 170 miles away from her mum.

'If she is 21 she is perhaps about to enter her 4th year (assuming no gap year). From the dates, I guess the baby is due around March, right when she is preparing for a her finals. I think it would be pretty horrendous trying to complete the final year of a degree with a screaming baby that you didn't ask for and didn't want. Not a suitable atmosphere for a student to study in at all.'

That's what libraries are for. Most universities have 24 hour libraries during term time or they're at least open until 10/11pm and open again at 8am. A child studying at home is not a reason to put your life on hold.

"My DC don't see me as a person, just mum"
This was the problem I had with DD2 when I had DD3, I think. I had to point out to both girls that being mum is something I DO but doesn't define who I AM - there is far more to me than that, and I am an adult woman with my own wants and needs that won't revolve around them all the time. Funnily enough, now she's not living under the same roof as me, we get on far better as adults.

Arkadyroad 'I was pretty blunt and pointed out how she felt was pretty irrelavent'

Charming

Since when are your kid's feelings irrelevent?

I agree it's your body and choice but small babies and toddlers do impact on others in the household. Teens in particular still need support. I'm not saying you are wrong to have more but to completely disregard your other kid's feelings is a bit mean.

This thread has made sad too.

She's 21, still dependent. She's been living with 3 younger siblings whilst trying to study an engineering degree.

She's obviously bright and trying to make something of her life and here is posters already branding her as selfish just because she might not jump for joy at another baby. Why should she?

Yes she's an adult but that doesn't stop her having feelings or needing her mum

God sake

It's slightly ironic that you claim she doesn't see you as a person but only as a mum, when the choice you want her to accept is you being a mum again.

But you are still her mum.

She is an adult, but a young one who still lives at home and who still has all the emotional needs from her parents as she is still their child.

Not sure what the situation is with the family situation, but there are lots of variables that can make family structures hard for existing chikdren to adapt to.

You can say she's an adult so tough shit, she has to adapt, and obviously that's true. But you are still her mum too, and surely you care about her feelings and the impact on her?

Sounds to me like she feels pushed out, replaced, ignored, unimportant.

I'm sure she just wishes she was a 21yr old whose parents were still focused on her as lots of her friends probably have.

She's not got that and can't have, I can understand some resentment on her part.

Thanks for all the responses. Dd will be going into her 2nd year in September. Baby is due in January. When i say i don't like her, its some of her behaviour. She very harsh towards people even friends. She has little sympathy for anyone.

I told her a family member has terminal cancer. Her response was brutal, basically said the person had brought it on themselves. I say to her when she comes out with crap like that. Like i also tell her how proud i am of her. She's very intelligent, beautiful & very strong willed.

There isn't any possibility she'll find out as only Dp, my best friend & i know.

Actually by reading the replies, two things struck me. Dd isn't actually independent. She can afford to go to uni, have great social life & holidays as she lives at home. Although she has her own income is nowhere near enough to also have her own place.

Secondly, its not until your dc grow up that you realise you can love, adore, be very proud but not like their behaviour at times but i will always love her & support her.

middleclassdystopia There have been a great many occasions when she has chosen to do something that would affect me a great deal and chose to do it anyway because Mum's feelings were irrelevent as far as she was concerned - it was her life and she was going to do what she wanted. Now she understands that I'm an actual person in my own right, separate and independent from her, and I have that same right to live my life how I choose. It was an eye-opener for her; she'd always been very selfish & self-centred up to that point and taken people for granted, and now she's a much nicer person, conscientious, generous and accepting.

I say to her when she comes out with crap like that.

Wait you say you don't like her? Please tell me I misunderstood.

I wonder if the huge difference in responses is linked to the ages of either the posters or their children. Those in their 20s who are of a similar age to the OP's DD, and those with children the same age.
If she's a student, she could choose to move into a shared house as the majority of students do. If, as an adult, she chooses to live at home then she has to accept that she doesn't have total control.
Most students study, budget, cook, clean and manage an independent life.
When you are an adult, you wouldn't expect your parents to control your choices in the way they did when you were 14. Likewise, you don't get to dictate what your parents do once they have raised you to adulthood.
Most functional families find a way to compromise and work out the details.

I think you need to try and see things from your dd's point of view. She probably feels left out and that she doesn't get much of your time being one of six children. She still needs your help and support - and understanding. Many young adults her age would feel upset.

I am in my late twenties and have young children so you are probably right to an extent Eyes

I am very happy for OP (sorry I didn't say congratulations, I was focusing on the telling your children part of the post ) Congratulations And I am very sorry about your MC. I know that pain.

I just find the criticism of the OP's daughter very uncomfortable, it's a pretty extensive list and I won't lie, I am imagining my own mother describing me this way. If she were to become pregnant now, I wouldn't be jumping for joy either. I guess I just don't think the fact the OP's daughter isn't thrilled doesn't make her bad, OP hasn't said she's said anything horrid about the new babe so the criticism confuses me a little. It doesn't seem she's done anything regarding the pregnancy to deserve it. Other aspects of her life, obviously I don't know but on this I don't see what she's done that's so terrible?

I know this post is a bit muddled, I'm quite tired but you raised valid points Eyes and I wanted to give an honest answer.

mynameismskane I think the problem is that Shellywelly1973 has been obliged to see things from DD's point of view for the past 21 years. It's time DD learned to do the same. It's part of growing up.

I was still dependent at 21 as well, moving out etc was not an option so if my mum had announced a pregnancy I would have been upset. I wouldn't have told her that obviously, but I wouldn't be happy. Selfish of me? Probably. But I think it's a fairly natural reaction.

There's 19/20 year between me and my sister and 20/21 year between me and my brother.

I told my mum I was pregnant and 2 month later she told me. My son is 3 month older than my sister!

It was strange at first amd I seem to treat them like I treat my son.

My brother didn't take it well and hes 21 now. He doesn't bother with them but hes an idiot anyway and doesn't bother with anyone who gets more attention then him including my son.

It took a while to get used to. The second pregnancy shocked me more

'If she is 21 she is perhaps about to enter her 4th year (assuming no gap year). From the dates, I guess the baby is due around March, right when she is preparing for a her finals. I think it would be pretty horrendous trying to complete the final year of a degree with a screaming baby that you didn't ask for and didn't want. Not a suitable atmosphere for a student to study in at all.'

She can always go to the library. That's what they are there for.

I think there is a big difference in being a parent of a child and parent of an adult. Being the parent of a child, you are everything to them and they are the same to you. Your life is on hold almost, but its ok because they are totally dependent. When your child 'grows' up, of course you still love them, but they become a seperate being, able to sustain themselves. Even without money, they are able to cook, clean, make their own decisions and sustain themselves. What you choose to do has less of an impact on them.
At 21, nature has pretty much cut all of the ties of actual dependency, all that is left at a basic level is convenience.
As humans we often keep our adult children at home, but it isn't 'necessary'.
The OP still supports her dd financially, when she 'could' support herself. There is student accommodation, there are grants, there are part time jobs. You can get a room in a house here in my uni town for as little as £50 a week.
I think the DD sounds not very nice to her mother, and given Shelly's other threads, its a family trend. I don't understand why an adult should be upset and worried over the reaction of another adult, even one that is her DD about their life choices.
At 21 I still lived at home, and was PG myself, but nothing would have made me treat my mother badly if she became pg too. She's a grown up and that's her choice! Ops DD sounds very selfish.

Well, in the spirit of sharing...
DS is 18 and an Aspie.
DD is 22 and has an adult dx of Asperger's with OCD traits.
If I ever wonder as to the origins of their AS, I look at my OH and all questions are answered.
They'd all like to be the only cat in the house at least 70% of the time, but concentrating on equality, fairness, respect for other people's needs and reasonable adjustment, we have managed to be a functioning household for over 30 years.
DD did keep trying to exchange her brother for a guinea pig or any other SFA but had no luck.
OP, I wish you luck!

At 21 I still lived at home, and was PG myself, but nothing would have made me treat my mother badly if she became pg too.

I haven't read the other threads, but where has OP said DD21 has treated her badly because she's pg? OP said she just didn't really say much when she told them with her last babe.

Dd barely acknowledged it. She never even asked if i was ok. She wasn't unkind or say anything

DD did keep trying to exchange her brother for a guinea pig or any other SFA but had no luck

snort< Sorry, I find that cute.