AIBU. for being worried about yelling my grown up dc Im pregnant!

[Shellywelly1973]

Im 15 weeks pregnant with 6th dc.

Oldest two are 24 ds & 21 dd. Ds doesn't live at home but dd does.

I think ds will probably be ok but dd wont be. She doesn't like her younger sister & brothers. She makes it very clear!!

I really can't hide the pregnancy much longer. Im a very small person & Im down to a couple of outfits i keep rotating to hide my bump.

I feel silly being worried about the dcs reaction. Honestly its nearly as bad as telling my mum i was expecting my now grown up dc!

Any suggestions as to how to tell them in the nicest possible way would be appreciated! !

Im 43yrs and I mostly behave like an adult.

I am still my parents child though and I have emotions linked to this child /parent relationship that are deeply linked to being their child.

I still occasionally revert to a childlike response in relation to my parents: if something goes wrong theyre the first ones I want to call, I expect them to support me when I need it, to always encourage me, want me to do well, to know stuff and be sensible, give guidance, be interested in all the minutae of my life, or occasionally I just become vulnerable for some reason and I'll always turn to them. I expect my mother to buy comfort food and I raid her cupboards when I stay. Very occasionally I'm even needy and helpless and let them boss me about as it make sme feel secure. I love it when I know they're proud of me, which is mostly.

Yes, I'm a fully functioning adult who parents her own children, runs a business and a home, and has functioning adult relationships with the other adults in my life. But with my parents, I am still their child, and adult or not this is central to the relationship.

The idea that once they get to 18yrs 'children' will, or should, just start interacting with their parents as equal adults is just unrealistic and simplistic.

Psychotherapy anyone??

I'm still unsure why everyone is claiming that OPs DD should act like an adult when neurological scientific research from a top university explains that at 21 certain parts of the brain responsible for behaviour, emotion and risk taking are simply not fully developed yet, and will not be until the age of approximately 25.

It explains why young adults take stupid risks such as driving too fast right into their mid-20s, and also explains why a 21 year old is not going to behave exactly as you would in your 40s.

hrweb.mit.edu/worklife/youngadult/brain.html#beyond

OP has criticised her DD in almost every single one of her posts. Her daughter is a vulnerable young woman, and needs support and attention from her mother, not criticism.

That research could be the answer to the question of why this thread has become so polarised too.

Another one who feels sorry for adult daughter at 21 they are still young at this age, and often express very black and white views on the world, op had said she can be unsympathetic but thats often immaturity speaking I think she probably needs re assuring that the op still cares for her and even at 21 they need you to be a mum to them, and feel at times that they are your priority , in fact there are times in your life when even older that you will still need your mum , and this girl is going through a stressful final year at uni . very difficult situation for her .

MrsDeVere, I never said it was, but it does explain a lot (including as eyesunderarock has mentioned, how the thread is so polarised).

And yes of course many under 25s have successful adult professions, and raise families. Obviously some people mature at a faster/ slower rate than others.

I'm sure OP's daughter is intelligent enough to do a reasonable job of pretending that she doesn't mind having another sibling, to keep her mother happy.

I think OPs dd is an independent adult at 21. I had two kids & a mortgage by the age of 22 so I don't think it's unreasonable to expect her dd to be mature about her mother having a baby. I'm 23 and my eldest child is older than my youngest brother and I was thrilled for my father.

Why do so many people have such a chip on their shoulder about the probable fact that the daughter feels neglected/put out by being one of so many siblings who are younger than her? Is it too close for comfort for a lot of people who might be in a similar set up?!

Why do so many people have such a chip on their shoulder about the probable fact that the daughter feels neglected/put out by being one of so many siblings who are younger than her? Is it too close for comfort for a lot of people who might be in a similar set up?!

Not at all, I just empathise with the OP's DD as I am a similar age.

Younger adults today have a lot more to deal with than 20 years ago. The OP's DD will have worked very hard in all her exams to get where she is. However every time she received her results (GCSEs, A levels), she would be told that the exams have gotten easier.

She will probably be in thousands of pounds of debt, which the previous generation did not have as they received university tuition free. We are also in a recession and many families are still having to cut back in order to make ends meet. This will be putting additional stress on OP's DD, who knows it will be far more difficult for her to get a job than it was for her mother.

And on top of all of this, she lives in a noisy house with several kids and another on the way, which can only be adding to her stress. You are all treating her very harshly in expecting her to act as an adult, when she is young and has many additional stresses that many of you did not have at her age.

I'm a similar age too and I think she'll be able to manage fine. I'm a uni student and I have a 3 & half year old and a 6 month old that like to scream a lot. I also have 5 brothers, 4 are younger than me and I managed through GCSE's & A-Levels like many other people that have younger siblings.

There ought to be middle ground possible though, where the DD is a bit disgruntled but still has everything the same as before, room, food, social life, boyfriend...except there's one more sibling, and the OP is OK with her daughter being a very different, less of a people person who isn't very keen on being an interactive member of the family...
Well, what's the OP actually worried about?
Why is she hiding the pregnancy?
Because she doesn't want her daughter to be upset and cross, and she's putting off the moment of confrontation. She's a mother of 5 already, and she's still bothered about the response of this child.
If she didn't care for her daughter, love her and accept her then the daughter would not be still living at home.
It is possible to be a student and live away from home all year round, or indeed not to have a home at all. But this child has a home and is content to stay there. However noisy and intrusive the neighbours.

Younger adults today have a lot more to deal with than 20 years ago.
Oh dear! worlds smallest violin
you may not realise this but there was a recession around 20 years ago! Back in the day when we were young, and Margret Thatcher was in power, there were 3 million unemployed.
As for debts, I know plenty of people who are STILL paying student loans 20 years later.

That post makes you sound incredibly young and naive!
The dd lives in the house through choice. She chooses to be at Uni. She could be flipping burgers to pay for a bedsit. She could live in the 40s as one of 13 in a 3 up 2 down.
I'm sure the OP will be just fine, and I'm sure the DD will be just fine.
Please keep posting Frog you cheer me right up!

Eyes I think that is exactly what will happen!

Things were just as tough 20 years ago; the old system of grants was done away with and I have friends who were at uni in the early 90s who are still paying off their student loans. The economic situation was fairly similar to now. GCSEs and A levels HAVE gotten easier over the past 20 years; that's simple fact. Far more 18-year-olds go on to uni now than they did in the 90s though, and in many ways today's 20-year-olds have it easier than we did.

Oh Saggy, were you impoverished too?
Did your student accommodation not have a washing machine, tumble dryer, microwave, central heating, power shower, new mattresses...
I couldn't believe my eyes when we went on some visits to uni.
I wanted to move in right on the spot.

fwiw I would just tell her.

You are already pregnant, so it's a situation that isn't hypothetical.

Reassure her you will still care for her and love her, but it doesn't mean you don't have the right to love and care for another child.

If my Mum was to have another child now which is near impossible but if she was going to I'd be more worried about her health as she's 52. I'd also think, 'OK, we wont be close in age - but I will still love and care about my little brother and sister and they can see me as a more aunt figure, that doesn't bother me'. It's not how you are related, it's how you care for each other ime that matters. I have a sister I barely talk to and I also have a sister I talk to not all that often but we are close and could talk about anything. They are 8 and 9 years older than me and I don't mind at all.

But we all have different opinions on things. I am sure things will be a lot easier once she comes around to the idea and sees how happy it makes you. After all she may have some not so nice qualities but I am sure she'll love to see you smile. Just reassure her that she wont have to do anything too hands on with the baby if she doesn't want to. She may want to once the baby is around but she may not and that's fine too.

I wish you the best of luck :)

Eyes we were incredibly impoverished! We used to sit round the cooker in the morning because we didn't have coal to light the Parkray!
I didn't go to Uni. Too poor!

Frogspoon are you reading what everyone else is? you come across as a know it all brat!! Read what i post-for goodness sake.

My dd has 3 younger siblings not millions!

My dd pays no rent. She does not have to care or deal in any way with her siblings. Her room is at the top of her house with her own bathroom. I can't really believe some of the ridiculous posts I've had on this thread. Dd is not always a pleasant person. Do you really like your dc all the time? Well Im very real & i don't.

If i didnt care about dd i would have told her about the new baby & she could have liked it or lumped it... But i didn't.

She isn't going to move out because of this baby. She won't do anything with the baby she doesn't want to do. She is often away all weekend or overnight. Her dinner will be cooked. Her clothes will be washed. I will pick her up when she gets stranded...

She is my daughter not my friend or my sister...she has plenty of those but only one mother. I love dd unconditionally as the individual she is regardless of her behaviour. I hope that clears up some confusion that appears to have occurred on this thread. I find it very offensive that posters have said otherwise.

Shellywelly makes me wish I didn't move out... :)

What a load of pathetic bollocks.

To start with she may very well act like the adult she is and respond in the only acceptable way by saying "how lovely for you"

21 is an adult, just an adult not a oh I'm only pretending to be an adult but really I'm a child.part and parcel of being an adult is along with all the fun stuff that children are not allowed to do and the freedom from anything other than the control applied by the laws of the land you have a responsibility to act like one that involves accepting that the world does not revolve around you shock horror other family members may wish to change the direction of there own life and you can choose to be involved as much as you want.

Just the same as you as an adult can also do.

If (with the all standard disclaimer for disability) at 21 yo you still feel the need for the same level of attention from your parents that a child gets then you have serious problems and as an adult it is your responsibility to fix those problems.

Oh and its perfectly acceptable to dislike the bad behaviour of someone you love its one of the ways people learn how to behave and what is expected of them.

I love my brother he's my fav member of my family that I did not give birth to,if he robbed a bank I would not be very impressed nor would I love that he did it I would hate it not him just the action.

I think you put into words what i was thinking Sockreturningpixie...

Thank you!!

After i posted this last night i thought Im going to get flamed for spoiling my 21yr old dd. Then i started to read some of the nonsense posted on this thread & i thought ffs she's 21!! Not 2! She not a child, yes my child but a bloody child.

When she is outrageous & Im talking DM bollocks type outrageous, i tell her. You lot would have a field day with her!! but i cut her some slack as shes 21. She'll grow up, remove her head from her arse & turn into a great MNer!!

Well I'd like to say Congrats on the new baby on the way.
I have 16 years between my oldest and youngest. Oldest Ds now being 25. (next week) He eye rolled at the thought of Dd as a baby, but did enjoy her, even fed her and would carry her car seat out the car for me without being asked, he went off to Uni when she was only 2 and loved to play with her when he'd visit.
Maybe she'll surprise you and actually think the baby isn't so bad and quite cute one he/she is born, there's always hope.
At 21 if she doesn't want to live in a home with small children and babies she has the choice to live on baked beans and get a room to rent and not do so much socializing like others who are studying, if she likes a more comfortable life then she needs to smile and get over being upset at Mum having had sex and made another baby.
It's no one elses business how many babies a couple decide to have or when they decide to have them. If she doesn't like it she can lump it.