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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU. for being worried about yelling my grown up dc Im pregnant!

249 replies

Shellywelly1973 · 07/08/2013 23:40

Im 15 weeks pregnant with 6th dc.

Oldest two are 24 ds & 21 dd. Ds doesn't live at home but dd does.

I think ds will probably be ok but dd wont be. She doesn't like her younger sister & brothers. She makes it very clear!!

I really can't hide the pregnancy much longer. Im a very small person & Im down to a couple of outfits i keep rotating to hide my bump.

I feel silly being worried about the dcs reaction. Honestly its nearly as bad as telling my mum i was expecting my now grown up dc!

Any suggestions as to how to tell them in the nicest possible way would be appreciated! !

OP posts:
Eyesunderarock · 08/08/2013 10:01

Before you tell the rest of the family, work out what changes there are going to need to be OP. Will anyone have to move rooms? What spaces will have to change function? Who will be helping share the jobs you currently do like laundry, cooking, general cleaning and the rest?
Have some answers worked out and see how many solutions the rest of them come up with. 24, 21, 5...How old are the rest?
Old enough to help?

frogspoon · 08/08/2013 10:08

She can always go to the library. That's what they are there for.

And what about when the baby cries in the night, the day before her exams?

Yes, I know there are 24 hour libraries, but what if she wants to get some sleep before an exam. Universities don't have 24 hour beds!

AllEyeEatIsCake · 08/08/2013 10:09

Agree with above poster. If you having more children puts more pressure on oldest children housework wise then can see why they would be upset. If no real impact then she has no other option than to suck it up. Congratulations OP and hope all goes well with pregnancy and birth.

Eyesunderarock · 08/08/2013 10:11

The same as when your housemates come home paralytic at 4am and hammer on the door because they are too pissed to use a key.
Or in my case, had eaten too many magic mushrooms and were having a bad trip. Or your neighbours have a wailing baby that stops you studying.

Earplugs. iPod and headphones if you are working.

Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 08/08/2013 10:12

Nothing will change in respect of jobs in the house. Everyone has a job already& that won't need to change. No one needs to move rooms. Other ds are 12,8&5.

I think many have missed the actual reason I've not told dd21 yet is because i am worried about upsetting her. Its embarrassing at her age to think of your mum having sex! She's not into children or babies. She sees them as annoying & a nuisance.

Why would she want another sibling? I totally see it from her point of view...thats the problem!

OP posts:
Eyesunderarock · 08/08/2013 10:13

Being as this baby is loved, wanted and on its way, what do you suggest the OP do, frogspoon?

Eyesunderarock · 08/08/2013 10:15

'She's not into children or babies. She sees them as annoying & a nuisance. '

Perhaps she and my DD could be FB friends? Grin
Mine can tolerate them for a couple of hours.

5madthings · 08/08/2013 10:25

oh bless. it will be fine but i feel for you. my eldest is almost 14 and he wouldnt be happy if we had another.

if your dd was still a teen i could understand a bad reaction/negativity more. but at 21 she is an adult, god at 21 i had my own baby and was at university doing a degree. funny i managed to do my dehree whilst looking after my own baby!! the dd wont be looking after this baby. she will have to get on with it.

fingers crossed she suprises you op xx

frogspoon · 08/08/2013 10:26

Being as this baby is loved, wanted and on its way, what do you suggest the OP do, frogspoon?

Show her DD that she is equally loved and wanted. Her DD is bound to feel rejected, and understandably so. And do whatever she can to make the transition as smooth as possible. It's going to be very hard on her.

In a household with 3 children under 10, including one with ASD, and another baby on the way, the OPs DD probably gets very little attention. As a young adult, some of her needs are different to her siblings but she still needs to be shown just as much love as her siblings are getting.

I would suggest that the OP makes some time to have some mother-daughter time with her DD, without the other siblings present. Leave the other sibling with DP/DH or a friend, and go do something special and grown up with her e.g. go to a spa or a restaurant. Just something small to show her that she is loved and wanted just as much as her siblings, and to give her the chance for the attention she never noramlly gets

SpecialAgentCuntSnake · 08/08/2013 10:27

OP would you mind clearing up for me whether you tell your DD21 whether you like her or not? I'm sure I misunderstood but it's bugging me.

Perhaps tell her like ripping off a bandaid. 'We're expecting another baby, due XX, nothing will change around the house. DS, did you do your homework?'

Well, maybe a bit more formal than that Grin But if you shrug it off I'm sure once her sibling is here and she's had time to deal with her feelings and get used to him/her being around, it won't be as big a deal as you are fretting.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 08/08/2013 10:28

Ds1 was 16 when ds3 was born and 18 when ds4 came along, really she should be old enough to deal with it and old enough not to be embarrssed at the thought of get mother having sex!

As for the noise of a baby when she has exams, what about the noise you have to put up with when your staying on campus or house sharing with other people

MoominsYonisAreScary · 08/08/2013 10:30

On a funny note my gran swopped her baby brother for a bike 60 odd years ago, my great gran made her go and get him back Grin

frogspoon · 08/08/2013 10:31

As for the noise of a baby when she has exams, what about the noise you have to put up with when your staying on campus or house sharing with other people

Maybe they will be studying for their exams too?

frogspoon · 08/08/2013 10:33

P.S. just to clarfiy I didn't mean OP should tell daughter AT spa/restaurant etc

Just that she should do those to try and support her daughter

eurochick · 08/08/2013 10:35

Not necessarily - some people will finish their exams and be celebrating while others have barely started.

Eyesunderarock · 08/08/2013 10:37

' Her DD is bound to feel rejected, and understandably so. '

On what grounds?
She's living at home, being fed and provided for despite having been an adult for several years. She won't have to give up her room, or parent the younger children...
Being rejected is going to uni and finding out your parents won't let you stay at their house in the holidays. We've put up two of DD's friends on different occasions because of that.

SpecialAgentCuntSnake · 08/08/2013 10:38

On a funny note my gran swopped her baby brother for a bike 60 odd years ago, my great gran made her go and get him back

^^ What kid wanted a baby instead of a bike is the REAL question!

scratches whiskers thoughtfully

Eyesunderarock · 08/08/2013 10:38

Moomins. Grin
The stuff family legends are made of.

Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 08/08/2013 10:40

Frogspoon
You've made many presumptions...
Firstly the other dc are 12, 8 & 5 Not all under 10.

Dd & i go out at least once or twice a month on our own or with ds24. We go away for the weekend as well.

As for the person who asked if i told dd i didn't like her... I love my dd - why would i do such a cruel thing?. I love my dd & like my dd. I do not like the way my dd behaves sometimes. There is a big difference...

If i didn't care about my dd feelings i would have told her & expected her to get on with it but i didnt& don't.

OP posts:
Eyesunderarock · 08/08/2013 10:43

Let me make some guesses too.
G'wan, indulge me.
Frogspoon, I'd put money on you being in your early 20s with no children.

SpecialAgentCuntSnake · 08/08/2013 10:45

Sorry OP like I said I was sure I misunderstood but it was niggling at me. Obviously a huge difference between saying 'I don't like your behaviour' and 'I don't like you!' I genuinely was not being provocative.

Do you feel you're far along enough to feel comfortable telling them, or would you prefer to wait until 20 weeks?

I do think if you shrug it off when you tell them, by the time DC6 has arrived and she is used to him/her, all your worries will have been for nothing! Smile

frogspoon · 08/08/2013 10:49

You've made many presumptions...
Firstly the other dc are 12, 8 & 5 Not all under 10.
Ah sorry, you are correct I did misread the age of your oldest. However they still probably do take a lot of your time and attention, especially your dc with ASD.

Dd & i go out at least once or twice a month on our own or with ds24. We go away for the weekend as well.
That's good to see, seeing as you are already doing that there isn't anything I can add to that.

Frogspoon, I'd put money on you being in your early 20s with no children.
Yes, of course. As another poster correctly pointed out, many of the negative comments are coming from this group of people, not just mine. Because we are, or have recently been the same age as your DD, know that it is not always the easiest time, and that we would hate our parents to suddenly announce that they were having another child.

Eyesunderarock · 08/08/2013 10:52

Did Shelly mention having any children with ASD on this thread? Confused
Are you still living at home frogspoon?

thebody · 08/08/2013 10:52

op you are already pregnant so that's that. congratulations.

one thing I know having kids, 2 grown up and 2 teens, that we are all different people. I think 1 of my dds will settle early and at least 1 of my dss will probably be 40+.

your dd has a career planned, job, boyfriend so she has a good life ahead, God willing.

you too have chosen your path and you each have to accept this and move on, your maternal and she isn't ( now) so what!!she shouldn't change for you and you shouldn't change for her!!!

just tell her, if she strops explain how lucky she is that you help support her. she's an adult. she can't possibly be embarrassed that you have sex!! she's not 13!!

tell her you planned it, don't be apologetic, just like she planned her degree and choose her boyfriend.

don't dance around her. be honest.

Sparklysilversequins · 08/08/2013 10:57

She's 21! I was in the army and had been left home for three years at that age, not for one second would have considered it my place to react in any way but positively to this news whatever I thought privately.

I can't believe the poor 21 year old adult dd comments on this thread, ridiculous.

Congrats OP, if she doesn't like it she knows what to do.