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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think being admitted to a psych ward is a major red flag?

202 replies

JaffaMyCake · 06/08/2013 18:34

Need some help on this one mnetters!

Friend is 'seeing' a man who has just told her he has recently been in hospital on a psychiatric ward. He hasn't/won't disclose the details of why and friend hasn't pushed on the matter.

AIBU to think this is a major red flag and tell her to steer clear?

Or is this discriminating against MH issues? I do realise they can affect anyone and are not always a signpost of abusive behaviour. Friend has no children involved.

OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 06/08/2013 18:36

I think it's up to your friend and not really your business - wouldn't be a red flag to me necessarily

RedPencils · 06/08/2013 18:38

You are discriminating against MH issues.

Some abusive people may have MH issues, it doesn't mean they all have.

Original poster
JaffaMyCake · 06/08/2013 18:38

Yes obviously not strictly my business but she asked for my opinion and what I'd do.

OP posts:
mynameisslimshady · 06/08/2013 18:38

Why is him seeking help for his condition, whatever it may be, a red flag? Its a positive thing surely.

FreudiansSlipper · 06/08/2013 18:39

well it depends on what your friend wants out of the relationship, how well does she know him is she ready to get involved with him

if this is a pull for her to look after him then yes, if she wants to take it slow and understand him more and accept him then no

she needs to look at herself too not just look at him if that makes sense

valiumredhead · 06/08/2013 18:41

Well I'm glad my Dh didn't think it was a red flag and he didn't steer clear of meHmm

LaurieFairyCake · 06/08/2013 18:41

Yes it's a problem if he won't say why (not the disease itself)

Yes it's a problem if he was committed against his will, if he doesn't know how to manage his disease or chooses not to.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 06/08/2013 18:42

No, I have a close family member who was once admitted after having a nervous breakdown, nothing untoward to worry about at all. Mental health problems still carry a lot of stigma, it is not surprising he is reluctant to talk about it.

racingheart · 06/08/2013 18:43

Sounds like a good thing to me. When he's ill he gets help and he's been honest with your friend. Both signs of maturity and responsibility. Being in a relationship with someone who has severe MI can be difficult, no doubt about it, but the behaviour you've described isn't a red flag in itself.

MisselthwaiteManor · 06/08/2013 18:43

would you say the same if he had recently been in hospital with a physical problem?

Moxiegirl · 06/08/2013 18:43

Hard to say without more info. But as someone who spent ten years with xh who was in and out of psych hospital, and 2 damaged teenagers as a result (one is currently in a psych unit herself) I would be very wary tbh.

MrsHelsBels74 · 06/08/2013 18:43

The fact that he won't say why he was admitted is more of a red flag than the fact he was (if that makes sense?).

thebody · 06/08/2013 18:44

totally up to your friend but if he said he needed help and accessed it that's a good thing not a red flag.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 06/08/2013 18:45

MH issues are not an indicator of abusive behaviour. Your friend may want to understand better what his health situation is, but I don't think she is in a "risky" relationship.

pollywollydoodle · 06/08/2013 18:45

the refusing to discuss it is more concerning than him having been in a psychiatric hospital tbh

i'd like to know why he was admitted, if he sought help/was sectionned, was discharged/discharged himself

Sirzy · 06/08/2013 18:45

If someone had recently been in hospital with cancer would you see that as a red flag?

Would you really expect a new partner to disclose their whole medical history?

YABU and showing just what a stigma still remains for people with mental health problems 😟

chesterberry · 06/08/2013 18:46

I think the fact that he has told her he has been in the psychiatric ward is a good sign - he might just not feel ready to tell her why yet as, understandably, he probably wants to keep it private and needs to know he can trust your friend not to share those reasons with anybody else (including yourself - I hope he was happy for her to share as much information as she already has?).

Certainly I don't think the fact that he has been in a psychiatric ward is a red flag in itself, although if there were any signs that this was for abusive behaviout I would of course steer clear. There are so many non-violent/ abusive reasons he may have needed to stay there (eating disorders, attempted suicide, self-harm, major depression, hallucinations, erratic behaviour etc) and hopefully now his stay is over he is receieving appropriate treatment to manage the reasons he was admitted.

I think if it were me I would be happy to see a man who had been open and honest about the fact he had had a stay even if he wasn't able to tell me why, however I think I would expect that at some point, if the relationship were to become serious, he would trust me enough and feel ready to talk to me about the reason for him being admitted.

MisselthwaiteManor · 06/08/2013 18:47

Maybe he wants some privacy, I wouldn't disclose something so personal to someone I'm only 'seeing' especially if it was recent and raw.

raisah · 06/08/2013 18:47

Are you worried that he was admitted against his wishes for violent or disturbing behaviour. Is it the fact thathe isn't open about the reason for his admittance disturbing you rather than possible mh issues? Are you worried about the safety of your friend?

A family friend was sectioned after an extremely disturbing psychotic episode in which she almost strangled her dd.

Lanceolate · 06/08/2013 18:49

So he volunteered that he'd recently been in hospital in a psych ward but wouldn't say why?

You're just starting a goady thread.

gatsby79 · 06/08/2013 18:50

Why on earth would this signal an abusive partner? I don't really follow your logic. But maybe that's just because I too have been on a psych ward...

Moxiegirl · 06/08/2013 18:50

The thing is, there is a pretty high threshold for hospital admission, due to budgets most mental illness is treated in the community. So whatever the reason it was probably quite severe and I would advise her to be cautious but not necessarily steer clear.

MariaLuna · 06/08/2013 18:51

Well, I was with a man who developed serious mental health problems.

I had to get out to safeguard me and our DS.

I wouldn't recommend a relationship like that to anyone.

But I do realise each situation is different. Only the person going through it can decide.

Tiredemma · 06/08/2013 18:51

Its only a very small percentage of people who are both violent and residing on MH wards.
people with MH issues are far more vulnerable to others.

I think its a good sign that he has been upfront and honest about his recent stay.

maybe i am biased- I work on a mental health ward (with women who are detained under criminal sections of the MH Act)- they are not 'an illness' they are human beings - and I have to say generally lovely.

Coffeenowplease · 06/08/2013 18:52

Cant believe so many people think its a red flag if he wont discuss it. Do all of you inform your prospective DPs of any physical medical problems e.g. gynae problems, cancer, other serious illnesses ?!

Why on earth should he have to discuss something so personal and private with a new partner ?