To think being admitted to a psych ward is a major red flag?

[JaffaMyCake]

Need some help on this one mnetters!

Friend is 'seeing' a man who has just told her he has recently been in hospital on a psychiatric ward. He hasn't/won't disclose the details of why and friend hasn't pushed on the matter.

AIBU to think this is a major red flag and tell her to steer clear?

Or is this discriminating against MH issues? I do realise they can affect anyone and are not always a signpost of abusive behaviour. Friend has no children involved.

It would be a red flag to me because I don't have the greatest MH myself. I've got a very limited support network and 2 children who have been through quite enough.

I wouldn't want to have a relationship with a man who had been hospitalised for MH issues.

It might not be an issue for other people and that's fair enough, but for me, in my situation, it would be.

Not a red flag in the 'this person will be an abuser' sense.

But a red flag in that 'this relationship might require more of me than I am in a position to give'.

And that wouldn't be fair on any of us.

Im so glad a few more people turned up thinking this was awful. I felt like it was just a few lone voices earlier on.

I dont think Ive been personally upset/offended by a thread before. This has really made me sad. I wish there wasnt so much stigma but because there is I wont be talking to anyone anytime soon.
Even some of my closest friends have no idea I have MH issues because even normal educated people react like this.

Even from posters I previously respected too.

Woah woah woah! The reason I asked this question is because I often see problematic relationships on the relationships board where people say "he clearly has MH issues" and view it as a huge red flag!

To the poster who said that I've had previous MH issues - that is correct, and if I am entirely honest I'm not 100% sure whether or not that has contributed to the very recent breakdown of my marriage. I sometimes wonder if I am in fact a 'red flag'.

In all honesty this thread has changed my opinion on the matter, there have been a great deal of helpful comments that have shown MH illnesses are not a signpost for abuse!

I understand this is an emotive topic but there is no need for some of the personal attacks that have been made on this thread.

And YY to folkgirl your second post was more along the lines of what I was thinking.

Coffee

I hope my post didn't offend you. My point (personally) was that I find it odd he will admit something many would struggle with (spending time in hospital due to MH problems) but not say what the problem was.

I'm not coming from the perspective of somebody untouched by MH issues. My own tends to make people be dissmissive ("eating problem aka attention seeking" ) rather other MH issues that make people "uncomfortable". Neither reaction is ideal.

One day MH issues won't be any more out of the ordinary than cancer or a broken limb hopefully.

I don't think it's a red flag in itself. He's getting help for whatever is troubling him. It doesn't mean he is dangerous because he has been on a mh ward.

I've been admitted to a mental health ward twice, when I was 19 & 21. Some people seem to think they are full of lunatics but it's not the case at all. I've met some great people. Most people there are to protect them from themselves.

I'm only 23 and I'm always going to have MH issues. I go to counselling and cognitive therapy.

I don't care if people think I am crazy! I think I'm doing pretty well for a crazy person! I'm a student midwife, I have an amazing husband who has his own business, I have two great kids. I'm a good mum & I have great friends.
So just because someone has needed help at some point doesn't mean red flags.

It would be a red flag to me. Sorry. It would indicate that things might be more difficult than they are, ordinarily. That's common sense, imo.

Ordinarily to who auntmargaret?

Any idea what the average number of people who have a mental health issue their life time is?

'It would indicate that things might be more difficult than they are, ordinarily.'

Most people get ill at some point in their life. 1 in 3 people will sadly get cancer. I really don't understand this kind of ignorance. Not to mention that you don't have to have mental health problems to have difficulties in life!

I have friends that don't have mental health issues that are in relationships that are volatile and abusive. I have friends with no mental health issues that hate their partners, who can't hold a job down, who can't keep friendships etc.
My relationship is blissful, my life is happy.
So how is it common sense that my life should be more difficult that 'normal' peoples lives?

Oh yes, I wouldn't think it made someone dangerous or unstable or anything negative like that, just that there might be times when i'd be expected to be extra strong for them, and I don't think I could do myself, a partner or my children justice in that situation.

lottie it isn't ignorance for me. My husband had a slow burning breakdown which contributed to some of his behaviours leading to our separation. They impacted negatively on all of us and one of my children ended up receiving a referral to outside agencies to help them deal with the impact of it. My mother's mental health problems have blighted mine and my brother's life and my own mental health problems have created problems for myself and other people.

Yes of course other illnesses can occur and arise, but I wouldn't knowingly go out with someone who already had any serious illness because I wouldn't be confident I could support them in the way a partner should because of my limited support network and other issues. e.g. I have no one to look after my children if I needed to visit someone in hospital, I am on ADs for anxiety and depression and have been on and off for the past 20 years.

I've lived with that particular black dog in one guise or another on and off my whole life.

I've been out with people who have had MH problems, I've never shied away from it. But going forward, it is something that I would avoid, but not because I'd think negatively of or towards the person.

Who knows, I suppose, like everything else, I'd judge a situation and a person on its/their own merits. But I'd be lying if I said it wouldn't be an extra layer of consideration.

All people do get ill though and 1 in 4 people will suffer with a MH problem. I don't see how anyone realistically thinks they'll be able to have a relationship with someone who has no problems - everyone has problems at some time of some sort.

Of course mental health problems create challenges in the lives of those who have them sometimes and in those around them. But I don't see how that should be a red flag and find it sad that so many people have this prejudice.

OP, I understand why you have the concerns you do, just as I agree with folkgirl's second post. I think many MH would be a deal breaker for me, simply because from my experience dealing with relatives with MH problems, I know what a strain they can place on the strongest of relationships.

I think we all have a sense of "what we can handle", iyswim, and I don't think MH issues are on my "can deal with" list. Just as, for example, if a man had children from a previous marriage, that would be a deal-breaker for me. That doesn't make me bigoted, or any of the other insults that have been tossed in the OP's direction, just realistic about what I am able to give and what I need in a relationship.

I think the thing is for me, lottie, is that I wouldn't end an established relationship because of MH or any other illness, because what you say is perfectly correct!

But it would be an extra layer of consideration when deciding whether to begin a relationship with someone.

But that's not because of some unfounded prejudice. It's because I know my own MH can be fragile and from now on I'm going to prioritise that over everything because it's what my children need. That's why it would be a 'red flag' for me.

And would I tell someone about it? I have always been very honest. It's never been an issue. But I know that, because of my MH issues, I haven't always made the best choices in partner anyway!

MH issues aside, the fact the stay in hospital was recent and that he won't disclose the reasons why - are in fact relevant. If you are comparing MH issues to physical health, in both cases you need time to heal and recover and perhaps if the stay was very recent he may not in the best place to be starting a brand new relationship. Also any relationship should have honesty and if he is not being honest, and by refusing to talk about it he isn't, then there are gaps in trust. I think it is not discriminating on MH issues on those grounds. If you are going to start a relationship with anyone the new partner deserves to know what they are letting themselves in for.

Yes, absolutely calming.

Right at the start of the thread people were saying he had a right to some privacy. And whilst that is a fair comment, by the same token people also have a right to know who they are entering into a relationship with.

I agree folk girl. My feelings are not from ignorance, totally the opposite. I have suffered severe anxiety and been on medication, my son has OCD, my daughter various serious enduring issues and is in hospital. My ex has a psychotic illness.
I'm with a man now who has in the past been on anti-d's, but should we ever separate and I'm in the position to be in another relationship, I would not knowingly enter a relationship with someone who has severe enduring mental illness because I could not cope. I wouldn't with someone who has small children either, as I have 2 little ones of my own.

Nope, still discriminatory-unless you would all apply the same caution to someone with a physical illness.

Physical illness can bring just as much trouble and stress. Various of my acquaintances have type 1 diabetes (need lifelong insulin injections), severe migraines, Crohn's disease and epilepsy. These have brought the need for medications, hospitalisation in some cases and restrictions in life eg can't drive, need to avoid triggers. They have definitely needed increased support from their partners when unwell and yet no-one suggests they are 'a risk' or too much trouble to have a relationship with.

To me, there is a massive difference between saying "for personal reasons I couldn't cope with a partner with MH issues (or diabetes or mobility problems)" and blithely informing a friend that she ought to see a certain problem as a red flag. Which is what the OP was about.

People can have a relationship or not, for various reasons, it's entirely up to them. I wouldn't be enter a relationship with someone who needed lots of physical care either due to my circumstances and my commitments to my children especially my eldest daughter.

But yes the op was badly worded and I don't agree with the red flag concept as that implies danger.

While it is interesting to read the posts from people who have had first hand experience of their own or their partner's mental illness (my experience is with a blood relative many years ago, so a bit different) and I can quite see why some would approach this situation with caution, I still think that with the facts in the OP alone, ie recent admission to psych ward for reasons as yet undisclosed is not enough to be a red flag for me. The reasons, once disclosed, could be.

mama that I would apply the same caution to someone with a physical illness.

But there are differences.

My exH had haemophilia, migraines, chronic chest problems, partial deafness and poor vision. Of course they brought extra consideration/'trouble' and, in some cases, stress, to the relationship - hospitalisation, appointments, medication etc, triggers, sometimes huge restrictions but these were all predictable and manageable within the relationship (however frustrating for both of us at times). And yes, there times when they didn't impact on us much and other times when we arranged our lives around them.

His deteriorating mental health, complete lack of insight into it and resulting behaviour was what brought our relationship to an end.

So it would be a consideration for me.

But cory is right. I wouldn't suggest it should be an issue for someone else.