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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think being admitted to a psych ward is a major red flag?

202 replies

JaffaMyCake · 06/08/2013 18:34

Need some help on this one mnetters!

Friend is 'seeing' a man who has just told her he has recently been in hospital on a psychiatric ward. He hasn't/won't disclose the details of why and friend hasn't pushed on the matter.

AIBU to think this is a major red flag and tell her to steer clear?

Or is this discriminating against MH issues? I do realise they can affect anyone and are not always a signpost of abusive behaviour. Friend has no children involved.

OP posts:
Spikeytree · 06/08/2013 19:11

I've been admitted to hospital for a Mental Illness.

I'm also a teacher in charge of hoards of teenagers.

It is clear that you have little knowledge of MH, but starting a thread like this can be very upsetting for some people. We aren't 'other' you know, just because we have a mental illness. We are people and this type of stigmatisation doesn't help.

Gruntfuttocks · 06/08/2013 19:15

People are admitted to psychiatric hospitals for drug and alcohol rehabilitation - is that a possibility with him? Might explain his reticence.
It really is none of your business who she chooses to see, and maybe when they know each other better he will feel more comfortable sharing the details of his recent illness. He may be worried that she will be scared off (and he's right isn't he, if she shares your attitude?!)

Coffeenowplease · 06/08/2013 19:23

Y'know this is EXACTLY why I feel I cannot discuss my MH issues with people.

cornypepper · 06/08/2013 19:24

Op you starting this thread may illustrate one of the reasons why he hasn't disclosed the nature of his illness.
He's chosen not to go into detail about his MH with your friend yet you've started a thread about him on a very busy forum.
Perhaps he just doesn't want to be the subject of gossip.

merrymouse · 06/08/2013 19:24

If she is just seeing him and they are finding out how well they get on I don't think it's as much of an issue as do they share interests/are their personal values at odds/do they have fun together.

If their relationship has progressed to a more serious level then it would be a bit odd if he didn't give her more details, but it doesn't sound as though they have got that far yet.

ForgetfulNameChanger · 06/08/2013 19:35

I think the fact he has disclosed he was in a psychiatric ward but then not even given a hint as to why is a red flag. He could be as brief as he wanted with the reason why. I just find it a bit strange that he's comfortable enough to say btw I was in a psychiatric ward recently but then not comfortable enough to say why. Why even bother sharing that?

Freudianslap · 06/08/2013 19:37

The very title of this post makes me sad and highlights there is still so much work to do around mental illness. I really do wish it received the same type of support as other chronic illnesses.

BUT it is nice to see that the majority of the responses have been so positive to mental health which gives me great hope.

In answer to the question itself - admission to a psych ward is no more of a 'red flag' than any unknown in a new relationship.

OctopusPete8 · 06/08/2013 19:39

If he won't disclose then yes its a problem,

Does he say whether its voluntary or not?

WhoNickedMyName · 06/08/2013 19:40

Grunt, people are not admitted to psychiatric hospital for drug or alcohol rehabilitation.

They may have a mental illness and coexisting problems with drugs and/or alcohol, but they wouldn't be admitted for drink/drug rehabilitation alone.

Sirzy · 06/08/2013 19:43

Forgetful - perhaps he is 'dipping his toe in' to see how she reacts before he opens up?

Perhaps he wants her to realise why he might have 'bad days' or need to take things slowly without disclosing his medical history any more?

Perhaps he was seeing how much she could be trusted - and given she has already gone running to friends about it obviously not much!

PrettyKitty1986 · 06/08/2013 19:43

Not everyone who would view this as a red flag is of that opinion because of 'lack of experience' with mh issues or because of terrible, unjustified prejudices.

Some people would rather steer clear because they do have experience with mh issues. Pulling the 'naiive' card really irritates me - it's not always the case.

maddening · 06/08/2013 19:43

If I was her I would push to know why - as if there is any future surely honesty in such matters is a must - she should be allowed to judge whether she is happy as MH issues can range from mild to serious.

Sallystyle · 06/08/2013 19:44

He doesn't have to disclose it until he is ready. That is not a red flag.

My dh had been in 4 times years before he met me. He was honest about it but if he wasn't then I would have assumed that he wasn't ready to discuss it with me as maybe it was to painful to go into details.

No one has a right for anyones medical history and unless they have been together for a long time I don't see why he should be expected to so soon in a relationship.. well with the person he is 'seeing'

wigglesrock · 06/08/2013 19:45

As far as I'm aware most people are admitted to a psychiatric ward voluntarily. It could be for any number of reasons including attempted suicide. To be honest it wouldn't be raising any red flags for me. He's told her he's spent some time in a ward, he will tell her when he's ready and if he wants to why.

Sallystyle · 06/08/2013 19:47

Maddening, no one should push anyone to open up about their history.

How long have they been together OP?
Is the relationship serious?

If they are just dating each other casually then it's not necessarily a big deal. No one should be pushed into disclosing anything they don't want to.

If OP's friend wants him to open up about it right now then she has to choose whether or not she can wait or end the relationship, he should be pushed into it.

Sallystyle · 06/08/2013 19:48

too painful*

sorry for typos.

celestialbows · 06/08/2013 19:48

If they want the relationship to progress he needs to give some details, maybe a brief overview rather than chapter and verse. He might be the sweetest most gentle man in the world but it would be unfair to expect her to go blindly into this, he may not be a danger to her but he could be a danger to himself.

She needs to know if there are any future risks and triggers etc so that she can make the informed decision based on how much support he might need. It might be that he needs no support and had a reactive breakdown, it might be that he had drug induced psychosis...

There are myriad reasons for hospital admissions and to posters suggesting its none of your friend's business I think that is what is known as positive discrimination. I might be wrong.

Spikeytree · 06/08/2013 19:48

What is a 'justified' prejudice then, PrettyKitty?

WeAreEternal · 06/08/2013 19:49

You have no idea what he was admitted for.
You do not know if he admitted himself voluntarily or not.
You do not know anything about his MH or if he is now recovered.

The fact that he was in hospital and is not anymore shows that he received treatment and is obviously much better now.

celestialbows · 06/08/2013 19:50

For a poster upthread: our local psychiatric unit also houses people who are there purely to detox from drugs and alcohol. Different NHS trusts have different practices.

Pilgit · 06/08/2013 19:52

No not a red flag in itself. Lots of reasons he could have been there and if he has only justmet her he probably doesn't want to discuss it yet.

Umicar · 06/08/2013 19:53

Not read the thread, but I have been admitted to a Psych ward and I am a normal person. Every one has problems, we all just deal with them differently. I am glad DH didn't think it was a red flag Confused

PrettyKitty1986 · 06/08/2013 19:54

Spikeytree - there is no such thing as a 'justified' prejudice. What's your point? Hmm

MorrisZapp · 06/08/2013 19:55

I see it as a bit of a red flag that he won't say why he was admitted. I had brutal PND and was near suicidal myself so I've got the tshirt as far as MH goes, and I tell anybody who'll listen that I'm on meds and why.

Truth is, I could relapse at any time. Maybe this guy could too. Anybody close to him would ideally know a bit about this. I personally don't see it as prejudice.

lottieandmia · 06/08/2013 19:56

YABU - it's attitudes like yours about mental health issues that cause and perpetuate ignorance about them.

What, do you think he's an axe murderer or something because he's spent time in a psychiatric ward?? You need to educate yourself if so...

I've been admitted to a psychiatric ward myself - I spent a month there due to my bipolar disorder. Yet today I consider myself recovered. I've had no episodes for years. If someone didn't want a relationship with me just because of my past illness I would consider them too bigoted to be worth my time anyway.