To think being admitted to a psych ward is a major red flag?

[JaffaMyCake]

Need some help on this one mnetters!

Friend is 'seeing' a man who has just told her he has recently been in hospital on a psychiatric ward. He hasn't/won't disclose the details of why and friend hasn't pushed on the matter.

AIBU to think this is a major red flag and tell her to steer clear?

Or is this discriminating against MH issues? I do realise they can affect anyone and are not always a signpost of abusive behaviour. Friend has no children involved.

[formicadinosaur]

I agree that things have to be quite serious but its positive he has started talking about it. All relationships need to be honest ones to succeed. I would recommend your friend play the relationship by ear. Yes he could be the best thing since sliced bread but on the other hand he may be the worst.

[LEMisdisappointed]

he hasn't disclosed and your friend hasn't pushed the matter - well maybe she isn't prejudiced then. Maybe they will have a long and happy relationship - will you go to their wedding OP?

[martha2013]

But surely he could be the best or worst thing since sliced bread regardless of whether or not he has been in a mental health hospital or any other hospital. Why do people assume that this needs more consideration than in any other new relationship?

[DioneTheDiabolist]

My ExH has MH issues. When we were together his GP recommended that he admit himself to the psych hospital. He didn't.

I sometimes wonder if he had, would we still be together. Maybe, maybe not. And no OP, you don't have to be sectioned to be admitted.

[mamadoc]

I too find this OP very sad.
I am a psychiatrist. My patients have illnesses but they are normal people.
Lots of surveys over the years have shown that the biggest unmet need for many people with major mental illness is close relationships.
I often feel very sad for my young patients with bipolar or schizophrenia because a diagnosis like that does cause many potential partners to run a mile and yet these are often very treatable illnesses. Some of my older patients have never had the chance to have loving relationships or a family and now they are lonely. I really want to think that we can move on and change this.
Why should living with someone with MH problem be worse than diabetes for instance which also involves lifetime meds, side effects, restrictions on your lifestyle and risk of relapse and hospitalisation?
Some people with mental illness can have disturbed behaviour or be violent or misuse drugs and alcohol but so do many 'normal', 'sane' people. The level of caution she should exercise is the same as for any new relationship.
I think it was brave of this guy to mention it at all. I expect he was just dipping a toe in to see how she reacts and would be prepared to say more if she didn't run for the hills! He may well have been rejected over this before.
I really hope that she is open minded enough to give it a chance and frankly that she isn't unduly influenced by your bigoted views.

[RNJ3007]

And this is why most people I know in RL have no clue about my MH history...

My husband didn't see it as a red flag; and 6 years and (almost) 2 kids later, he still doesn't. He collects my meds, supports and encourages me and gasp treats me like a human being.

[LEMisdisappointed]

What is a red flag exactly/

[Sallystyle]

My husband has bipolar. I have MH issues to. I admit fully that my husband's illness can bring a lot of stress to the household so I get where Hermonie is coming from.

Life is full of stress and ups and down but having a mental illness often adds extra stress as well. I know that my dh has found it hard when I am very ill and I find it hard when he is too. It is often very difficult to raise children and have a busy life when one is ill. There has been times where my husband has been so ill (he is medicated, takes them like clockwork etc) that he has become difficult to live with, same goes for me.

I thank my lucky stars that I was lucky enough to meet such a wonderful loving man, but I won't pretend that his illness doesn't make him more difficult to live with at times. I think that is all Hermonie was trying to say.

[Sallystyle]

Mamadoc, when I met my husband he told me he had bipolar and followed it up with 'you can run away now' :( it broke my heart that he felt that way but it had happened before.

Their loss, my gain!

It still saddens me that people feel that way. When I became ill when I was with my ex husband he basically turned away from me too.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Sneaky

I know what you mean. I knew it wasn't going to work out in a relationship when I realised not only was I reluctant to share (not the biggest issue, I think it's natural) past issues but that the bloke I was with would heavily judge me.

[Heartbrokenmum73]

Another one here with MH issues - severe depression (to suicidal point) since having my first child 11 years ago. I have shared the 'timetotalk' message on my Facebook wall this evening and written a short statement to go with it about my own issues - unwavering support so far.

And people like OP can kiss my ass! I am upfront with everyone about my MH dealings - people either take me as I am or not at all. I'm not ashamed of who I am.

[idiuntno57]

when he was just my boyfriend my husband dropped everything and flew across the Atlantic to rescue me from hospital. It was then I knew he was a keeper.

The world needs more like him and fewer like the OP.

[hermioneweasley]

Samu2 - I am full of admiration for you and your DH. It is one of the great cruelties of many mental illnesses that your illness often stops you making good judgements about taking mediation, seeking treatment etc. One of my bipolar family members refuses to be medicated and drinks heavily and smokes a lot of weed to self medicate. He was sectioned after he threatened his mother with a gun. It's very difficult.

[hermioneweasley]

Have you read "an unquiet mind"? A very moving insight into living with bipolar disorder. My mother made it required reading for us!

[notanyanymore]

personally if i was in her situation i would wish he hadn't mentioned it until he felt ablt to give a little more detail (unless i've missed something and he has said more then 'i have recently been on a psych ward')
and yes, i would feel the same if it was 'i have recently been in hospital'

[SneakyNuts]

Alisvolatpropiis I think maybe I'll bite the bullet, even after this awful thread- it's better to know early on, right?!

idiuntno57 that's awesome!

[IfIonlyhadsomesleep]

Having lived for forty years with a bipolar mother who has never admitted she has mental health issues despite numerous hospital admissions (although given the nature of some of the responses on this thread I can well see why she would have felt unable to be open) I know the damage that comes from people not being honest about their problems. If she had been open with me, I would have spent time caring for her and having a relationship with her. Instead, we can't talk honestly about anything because there's a bipolar elephant in the room.
Your friend may or may not continue the relationship with this guy. Like all relationships, the depth of feeling, attraction, things in common and all of the other positive indefinable things that constitute a good relationship have to outweigh the difficulties we all have with our partners. But the early disclosure and honesty about mh issues is anything but a red flag IMO. It's a brave, respectful, right thing to do. I wish the way mh issues are still viewed by many didn't prevent more people feeling able to be honest.

[Ineedanewone]

Jaffamycake, where are you?
Your OP is so ill informed it has saddened me beyond words.
Have you read anything on here that has changed your view?
YABVU

[Ms23]

Hmm, having been in a relationship with someone who has mh issues I would tell your friend to be cautious. It can add a lot of stress/worry to a relationship and if she's not sure she wants to be in it for the long haul it might be best for both of them if she got out now.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Sneaky

Definitely!

My long term partner knows and is fine with it.

This bloke, I just knew he wouldn't be iyswim. It's nothing to be ashamed of and I knew he would make me feel ashamed. He had to go.

[idiuntno57]

ffs being with the right PERSON can make you happy
If you care for each other you work through issues WHATEVER they are (my DP has mother from hell). You don't write someone off before you've a chance to get to know each other or on the half arsed advice from some very misguided mumsnetters.

[SneakyNuts]

For every arsehole on here, there are hundreds of you that give me hope

[IfIonlyhadsomesleep]

This thread has made me reflect on what has made relationships fail in the past and it's usually the things my partner hasn't seen for to share with me that have mucked things up, some small, some big. The things they've been honest about have mattered less. And also yhe things they didnt kniw about themselves. The biggest thing my dh and I have had to deal with, neither of us could have guessed at.

[Jossysgiants]

I can see there is a previous thread by this op which indicates she herself has experienced mental health issues.

[Sallystyle]

Thank you Hermonie.

It doesn't make it easier that we have five children (three from a previous marriage) and two of them have SN's.

He has never once stopped taking his meds. He has seen the fall out from his friends when that happened and it scared him.