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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my kids dad is a waste of time

241 replies

Joanne279 · 28/07/2013 17:38

Hello everyone,

Just after your thoughts...

My kids aged 8 and 5 go to their dads once a fortnight from sat morning to Sunday tea time.

My first issue, are the sleeping arrangements. He lives with his gf and her 2 kids in a 2 bed house. Their dads other child sged 11, my eldest, and his gf kids aged 7 and 9 all sleep in one room. My son age 5 sleeps in their dads bed! With their bedding theyve prob had sex in! And their dad and his gf sleep on the sofa.

My second issue are the hygiene issues. They don't wash. They don't clean their teeth. He doesn't change their pants. He doesn't brush their hair! I have to send 2 changes of clothes and I'm dumped with all the washing when they get home.

My third issue are toys! Broken and dirty toys from the car boot. Today's luxury item was a china money vase with a HUGE Crack all the way round glued back together! Followed by broken Lego covered in pen! Yes you can get bargains from the carboot but every time they come home it's another bag full of crap! They break within hours of being home then I'm left with the tears of broken toys :(

I'm at my wits end. I've tried asking him about the issues and I've tried yelling but he just won't address any issue!

Seriously, am I being a bit of a snob, or is he falling a bit short of a decent standard?

Thanks.

OP posts:

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 28/07/2013 17:41

Are your children happy? Are they distressed by the time they spend at their dad's place? My DD doesn't wash or change her underwear at her dads, I get washing back and her bed is rarely changed etc. but she loves her time at her dads and I wouldn't deny her that just because she's filthy when she gets back.

Original poster

Joanne279 · 28/07/2013 17:45

I don't want to stop them going but I feel he could do a little better.

OP posts:

HeySoulSister · 28/07/2013 17:45

They never change clothes but you are 'dumped with all the washing' ?

Never seen Lego that breaks apart from in the most obvious way.

8 and 5 can do own teeth and wash

Bedding.... So what? Not your business

Sounds like he is trying. Yelling at him over this will get you nowhere, as you are finding.

Original poster

Joanne279 · 28/07/2013 17:46

No, they don't change their underwear. Their my kids of course it's my business!

OP posts:

ImNotBloody14 · 28/07/2013 17:47

Bedding they've had sex in? Are you for real? Are you saying you never let your dcs into your bed that uou shared with your ex?

cantspel · 28/07/2013 17:48

Your 8 and 5 year old children need someone to change their pants for them?

Original poster

Joanne279 · 28/07/2013 17:48

And it's chewed Lego with teeth marks.

OP posts:

HeySoulSister · 28/07/2013 17:48

And you aren't in a position to stop them going to him

Can't they change their own underwear at those ages?

Beastofburden · 28/07/2013 17:49

Probably not easy for anyone to keep clean with so little space per person. I dare say they wish they had more space for when the kids come over, but at least he and his gf make them welcome, sleep on the sofa, etc, and don't say they don't want the disruption.

Your kids are learning self care skills and also that spending their money on crap leads to tears before bedtime. Bargain, I would say.

HeySoulSister · 28/07/2013 17:49

This is a joke right?

Chewed Lego.... What like the bricks at school/nursery/other kids houses?

ImNotBloody14 · 28/07/2013 17:50

Many of my happiest purchases were shite i bought for 25p at boot sales with my pocket money that broke within a few hours- i didnt care- it was cheap and i knew it was rubbish but it gave me joy finding the 'bargains' as a child. We loved going to boot sales

cantspel · 28/07/2013 17:51

Give the lego a quick rinse in some soapy water if you are worried about it being germ ridden.

YooMooo · 28/07/2013 17:54

Not washing/ brushing teeth one night a week really won't hurt them.

Sleeping arrangements - sounds like they're doing the best they can in a tiny house with a LOT of children.

Toys - sounds like he's trying to buy cheap stuff on a v limited budget.

All in all none of it seems that bad tbh. Exs don't parent the way we might, but none of this seems harmful to the DC.

Original poster

Joanne279 · 28/07/2013 17:54

Ok. Clearly my expectations are way to high. I can't help wanting my kids to be clean. My dds hair is incredibly thick and impossible for me to brush let alone her! I also hate having a house full of broken tat.

OP posts:

Talkinpeace · 28/07/2013 17:55

you had two kids with him ...
are you perfect then ?

NatashaBee · 28/07/2013 17:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

num3onway · 28/07/2013 17:57

Tbh I would not like the bedding thing. Although I don't get why they cram four kids in one room n have your 5 yr old alone in a double bed?

MissStrawberry · 28/07/2013 17:59

I think some of you are being very rude.

Joanne279, have you tried a Tangle Teaser for your DD's hair?

mynameisslimshady · 28/07/2013 17:59

First issue sounds like the best they can do in an already crowded house. What would you suggest for sleeping arrangements? Also you know nothing about the bedding, they probably change it.

Second issue could be easily solved by teaching your kids to wash, brush their teeth and change themselves. Do you change their pants for them?

Third issue, might be all he can afford or they might have chosen the items themselves.

All in all it sounds like you are being a bit petty tbh.

ImNotBloody14 · 28/07/2013 18:00

Just bin the tat when it breaks. Have a 'broken tat goes in the bin rule' the kids will soon start binning stuff themselves if something breaks.

They only spend one overnight there so not washing teeth isnt so bad or changing clothes but really your dcs are old enough to change their own pants, wash their own faces and give their teeth a quick scrub. You could start giving them more independence at home and get them into the habit of dressing as soon as they get up and brushing teeth, hair and washing face as soon as breakfast has been eaten. If your dds hair is a nihtmare then braid it into a good secure braid before she goes to her dads and she can sleep in it then next day all her dad has to do is rebraid it. No brushing through required.

RatUpADrainpipe · 28/07/2013 18:04

Joanne - I doubt if wearing the same pants for 2 days will cause them any harm tbh.

You have no say what HE does when they are with him than he does when they are with YOU.

Baring child abuse, just let it be. They will soon complain if they don't like it when they get older.

Original poster

Joanne279 · 28/07/2013 18:07

Thank you to the one person who thinks some of you are being extremely rude!

I didn't expect a torraid of abuse! When I was with him he used to be reduced to tears and his other kids bring dirty and their mums. Never having their hair brushed. No clean pants etc! But now it's ok to do it why!

I'm completely lost. Clearly I'm expecting WAY too much.

OP posts:

ImNotBloody14 · 28/07/2013 18:09

Abuse? Where have you been abused? I think maybe you are prone to overreacting.

ForgetfulNameChanger · 28/07/2013 18:10

I think he sounds lazy. How hard would it be really for him to encourage them or remind them to brush teeth and change underwear? I also think people are being rude. If it was a mother being this lazy the replies would be very different.

Original poster

Joanne279 · 28/07/2013 18:10

What. When did I mention abuse! That was another person for gods sake!

OP posts:

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