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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my kids dad is a waste of time

241 replies

Joanne279 · 28/07/2013 17:38

Hello everyone,

Just after your thoughts...

My kids aged 8 and 5 go to their dads once a fortnight from sat morning to Sunday tea time.

My first issue, are the sleeping arrangements. He lives with his gf and her 2 kids in a 2 bed house. Their dads other child sged 11, my eldest, and his gf kids aged 7 and 9 all sleep in one room. My son age 5 sleeps in their dads bed! With their bedding theyve prob had sex in! And their dad and his gf sleep on the sofa.

My second issue are the hygiene issues. They don't wash. They don't clean their teeth. He doesn't change their pants. He doesn't brush their hair! I have to send 2 changes of clothes and I'm dumped with all the washing when they get home.

My third issue are toys! Broken and dirty toys from the car boot. Today's luxury item was a china money vase with a HUGE Crack all the way round glued back together! Followed by broken Lego covered in pen! Yes you can get bargains from the carboot but every time they come home it's another bag full of crap! They break within hours of being home then I'm left with the tears of broken toys :(

I'm at my wits end. I've tried asking him about the issues and I've tried yelling but he just won't address any issue!

Seriously, am I being a bit of a snob, or is he falling a bit short of a decent standard?

Thanks.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 28/07/2013 18:10

Not unreasonable to expect him to manage basic levels of hygiene and care.

Tell him to keep all the tat at his so they can play with it when they go there.

ImNotBloody14 · 28/07/2013 18:11

Umm yes you did say abuse in your previous post. Hmm

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 28/07/2013 18:12

I think it's just a case if making sure your DC aren't upset or distressed by their time there, helping to encourage them to take responsibility for their own hygiene and cleanliness (up to a point) and not letting the other stuff bother you. If you let go of your annoyance at the situation, but work with the DC to help encourage in them a bit more independence/responsibility, then hopefully that will sort things out for you.

Nanny0gg · 28/07/2013 18:12

I don't think you are.

I don't understand the sleeping arrangements either - is it a gender thing? Is your DS the only boy?

And what children of that age wash or get changed if they're not made to? Some of you lot should go on a Year 6 residential sometime...

Do your DC enjoy spending time at their dad's? I wouldn't worry too much about the car boot tat though.

Original poster
Joanne279 · 28/07/2013 18:12

I am seriously reduced to tears at some of your rudeness! Forget is right. If this was me doing these things, someone would report me to social services for bad parenting.

OP posts:
Shutupanddrive · 28/07/2013 18:13

Actually I think your ex is a lazy bastard that can't be bothered to look after his/your kids properly. Don't understand why your having such a hard time on here

IneedAyoniNickname · 28/07/2013 18:13

My 2ds' have just come home from a 5 day holiday withtheot dad. I sent enough pants and t.shirts for 5 days, yet half of it came home unworn .Confused Of course at 8 and 6, theyre big enough to dress themselves, but they were told to put their dirty stuff in the suitcase with the clean stuff, which makes getting.dressed the next day a little confusing!
He then had the cheek to send me a message (and his gf posted on fb) that I didn't send enough clean.clothes for them! Apparently.ds1 didn't have enough stuff. Turns out he was giving.ds2 ds1s pants to wear! They also shared a toothbrush with their dads gf ds, as both of theirs broke, and have on occasion shared a bed with their dads gf ds when at the house.

However. They always say they've had a nice time (for the most part) so I don't complain.

I also get annoyed with the number of shit toys he sends them home with. The last lot was about 15 ps2games, most of which were 18s. Like you op I had to deal with tears when they were confiscated. I guess luckily ds1 at least understands why I took them away.

Tbh I don't think its unreasonable to expect him to remind them.to clean their teeth, and make sure they put clean pants on. And if someone was sleeping in my bed all night (as in not ds2 climbing in at 2am) I'd change the sheets before hand. But that's just what my mum always did.

Original poster
Joanne279 · 28/07/2013 18:13

I'm not? Which post exactly? I never said abuse!!!

OP posts:
dontcallmehon · 28/07/2013 18:15

The only thing I'd be concerned about is tooth brushing. My kids all have cavities and we brush twice a day, use a mouthwash and limit sugar. One night not brushing could damage teeth, especially if kids are drinking juice, eating sugary stuff and all that bacteria festers overnight on their teeth. I am fairly paranoid about teeth now though.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 28/07/2013 18:16

Agreed the ex here is somewhat 'deficient' in his efforts at parenting, but due to the fact you cannot make him be the parent you hoped he was, the best way to deal is address what you can with the DC and let the rest go. It'll save your sanity at least!

ImNotBloody14 · 28/07/2013 18:18

You said you didnt expect a torraid (sic) of abuse. So im asking where you have been abused.

dontcallmehon · 28/07/2013 18:19

Could you send battery operated toothbrushes and teach the kids how to do them themselves. Plague looks orangey on kids' teeth, so you can see if they are brushing properly. Get those disclosing tablets and teach them how to brush thoroughly.

Original poster
Joanne279 · 28/07/2013 18:19

All he ever feeds them is McDonald's and pizza! That's why I'm concerned about their teeth! Seriously, some of you are so rude! Have your opinion by all means but wow you know how to make a person feel shit!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Joanne279 · 28/07/2013 18:20

Ok. I see. I thought you were referring to my original post. But yes, I do think I am getting alot of in warranted abuse! No need to be so rude!

OP posts:
Talkinpeace · 28/07/2013 18:21

what do you feed them?
mine would not eat maccy d as they have never had it ... its as alien as calamari to them

and 2 days of no teeth brushing : welcome to Glastonbury

did they have fun : that is what matters in the long run

Original poster
Joanne279 · 28/07/2013 18:22

They get McDonald's as a treat with me not as a main food group. All HE eats is McDs and pizza therefore can't be arsed to cook a decent meal!

OP posts:
Talkinpeace · 28/07/2013 18:25

McD is not a treat : its cheap junk

thread hidden
YABU

ForgetfulNameChanger · 28/07/2013 18:25

If they had fun is not the only thing that matters in the long run or are we advocating Disney dads now? He should be doing or encouraging these basic things for his children when they are with him.

dontcallmehon · 28/07/2013 18:26

McDonalds not too bad for teeth, but they'd be best to have water rather than juice. I wouldn't worry about that if they are getting nutritious food with you. Children's teeth are more prone to cavities than adult teeth - much more so. They are old enough to take some responsibility for their teeth when you're not there.

My dc have had it drummed into them so much that they turn down juice, biscuits and cakes and ask for their mouthwash!

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 28/07/2013 18:28

Joanne I can see this situation has really wound you up but the fact is you cannot change your ex or the fact he is your DCs dad. What you can change is how you deal with the things that are bothering you. You can impress upon your DC what they need to take responsibility for when at their dads but bite your tongue at the rest. You can speak to your ex and hope he takes on board what you are saying but you need to let it go if he ignores you. Other than the things that bother you, it seems that your DC are happy to spend time at their dads so you need to learn to let the stuff you don't like go. Unless their is serious neglect happening then there is little you can do, other than wind yourself up about it. And that won't do you any good or change things.

Original poster
Joanne279 · 28/07/2013 18:29

Oh my god! You call me unreasonable?!!! McDs is cheap junk so I'm wrong, but its not wrong for him???!! Double standards I think!

OP posts:
Quetzalcoatlus · 28/07/2013 18:29

Pick your battles.

Their teeth will not rot through a MacD's and Pizza and not brushing them for the weekend.

We all have tat from kid's we don't want in our house, - filter it out when they're not looking.

Teach them to remember change of pants and socks etc.

If you MUST mention these things to your ex, do so in the most casual way you can, - 'They are forgetting to brush their teeth/change their clothes, couldn't give them a little reminder could you? thanks'

kim147 · 28/07/2013 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Joanne279 · 28/07/2013 18:35

He never baths them and its McDs and pizza every time they go.

OP posts:
PeriodMath · 28/07/2013 18:35

I don't mean to sound harsh but you chose this man way back when. Presumably he hasn't had a personality transplant?

Not much you can do other than drum into your children that they brush their teeth and perhaps put clothes in sealed bags marked Sat, Sun and Spare. Your ex can buy them as many crappy toys as he likes - just insist it is all kept at his house for them.