To think my kids dad is a waste of time

[Joanne279]

Hello everyone,

Just after your thoughts...

My kids aged 8 and 5 go to their dads once a fortnight from sat morning to Sunday tea time.

My first issue, are the sleeping arrangements. He lives with his gf and her 2 kids in a 2 bed house. Their dads other child sged 11, my eldest, and his gf kids aged 7 and 9 all sleep in one room. My son age 5 sleeps in their dads bed! With their bedding theyve prob had sex in! And their dad and his gf sleep on the sofa.

My second issue are the hygiene issues. They don't wash. They don't clean their teeth. He doesn't change their pants. He doesn't brush their hair! I have to send 2 changes of clothes and I'm dumped with all the washing when they get home.

My third issue are toys! Broken and dirty toys from the car boot. Today's luxury item was a china money vase with a HUGE Crack all the way round glued back together! Followed by broken Lego covered in pen! Yes you can get bargains from the carboot but every time they come home it's another bag full of crap! They break within hours of being home then I'm left with the tears of broken toys :(

I'm at my wits end. I've tried asking him about the issues and I've tried yelling but he just won't address any issue!

Seriously, am I being a bit of a snob, or is he falling a bit short of a decent standard?

Thanks.

Well, I don't think you are being U. I would expect at those ages for your dc to there own teeth and change underwear.. However he should be ensuring this happens. The food thing is less of an issue, since it's only two weekends a month. I don't understand why your ds gets a double bed to himself and there's four children in the other room. Is he the only boy ? It must be difficult having so many children in a two bedroom home, but that's no excuse not to ensure basic hygiene levels.

Why don't you teach them to change their underwear?! How can clothes be changed but not underwear?

Yes he is the only boy. All I'm asking is he makes sure THEY do these things. I'm not asking he do it for them. Why is that too much to ask?

It's not too much to ask of the children's own father op. What DOES he do with them whilst they are there?

Lets them play in a park with the 9 year old watching them. In not happy at this either. I don't feel it's fair to place that kind of responsibility with a nine year old. Bit again he's not bothered. I was so unhappy about this I rang a Solisitors to ask advice. I was told he was within the law as there is no legal age a child can ''babysit'. The law sucks.

They're supposed to be there to see him.

I don't mind the car boot. It's just that's its always broken.

It would irritate me but it's not often enough to get really upset about. You have tried to get him to improve but it's not working - really you will never make another person change if they don't want to as I'm sure you found out when you were together.

The main point is that they are able to maintain a relationship with their Dad and ultimately they will be old enough to judge for themselves about his standards and way of life.

The park issue is more serious as a 9 year old isn't mature enough to supervise. How far is the park from the house?

I honestly can't understand why people are defending this lazy man's behaviour. And then some saying its okay as long as they have fun and just sort it when they come home. What if OP decided she couldn't be bothered either? Would that be okay as long as the kids have fun? Why are Disney daddies and weekend dads excused for being lazy about the most basic aspects of hygiene?

He keeps pushing to have them more often which fills me with dread.

I get from the vast majority of comments I'm being ott. I really though he was just being lazy :/

If your children change their underwear and brush their teeth the other 28/29 days of the month,have you asked them why they don't do it on the 2 access nights?Do you also bath them every single night they are in your custody?

I also wouldn't be too fussed about the takeaways,it might possibly be the only thing that all 5 kids agree on so Dad and GF might just find it easier to choose their battles for the 2 days a month.

I think the adults should be given some credit for giving up their bed and having the couch themselves instead of making one of the kids take it.I also think they deserve some credit for giving the only boy some night-time privacy.

The toy/tat issue I would easily solve by having a box put aside for them to be put into when they come home.

I really think you should maybe relax a bit,and look at the positives.Your children are off your hands for a couple of weekend nights a month,with a dad who is trying to bond them with their 'blended' family.The partner is welcoming to the extent that she kips on the sofa so your youngest can have a comfortable bed .They are making the best of the situation as it is,I suggest you give it a decent try too.

They are safe and seemingly happy when they are with their other family.No long term damage (or even short term) is being done to them by the 'lower standards' they experience 2 nights a month.

You're over reacting.

No he left it to me but got very upset when his other kids complained of their dirty beds, no clean clothes etc when they came to stay.

He looks a state tbh. Dirty clothes etc.

Thing is what can you actually do to change this??

Both things are true - he is being lazy and you are being (a bit) OTT. When he pushes to have them more often you can tell him exactly why not.

Ok, let my set this straight.

My kids have had overnight contact for 11 months. In that time they have NEVER had a bath at their dads. NEVER cleaned their teeth. RARELY changed their pants. And RARELY eat anything other than junk.

I bath my kids when they come home. The water is vile. I wouldn't water a plant with it! My kids bath at mine 4 times a week. I accept maybe that's alot to some but I'm happy with it.

Is this really acceptable!? An odd once, fair enough but 11 months is just lazy!

Have you asked the children why they aren't brushing their teeth/changing their underwear?

Do you do that for them every single time?If yes,then you need to stop babying them.

What reason have they given you?

He keeps pushing to have them more often which fills me with dread.

In my experience, it's far easier for DCs to get into a routine - wash, teeth, clean clothes - the more often they are in a particular home; be that NRP, grandmas or even regular hospital stays.

My ex doesn't help with our kids hygiene when they go round either. My child with SN's will not do it himself and it is torture getting him to do it so my ex just doesn't bother.

It bugs the shit out of me and thankfully the other two are old enough to care enough to do it themselves.

I understand the annoyance OP I really do, but it isn't the end of the world and it won't hurt if it is only once a fortnight.