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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my kids dad is a waste of time

241 replies

Joanne279 · 28/07/2013 17:38

Hello everyone,

Just after your thoughts...

My kids aged 8 and 5 go to their dads once a fortnight from sat morning to Sunday tea time.

My first issue, are the sleeping arrangements. He lives with his gf and her 2 kids in a 2 bed house. Their dads other child sged 11, my eldest, and his gf kids aged 7 and 9 all sleep in one room. My son age 5 sleeps in their dads bed! With their bedding theyve prob had sex in! And their dad and his gf sleep on the sofa.

My second issue are the hygiene issues. They don't wash. They don't clean their teeth. He doesn't change their pants. He doesn't brush their hair! I have to send 2 changes of clothes and I'm dumped with all the washing when they get home.

My third issue are toys! Broken and dirty toys from the car boot. Today's luxury item was a china money vase with a HUGE Crack all the way round glued back together! Followed by broken Lego covered in pen! Yes you can get bargains from the carboot but every time they come home it's another bag full of crap! They break within hours of being home then I'm left with the tears of broken toys :(

I'm at my wits end. I've tried asking him about the issues and I've tried yelling but he just won't address any issue!

Seriously, am I being a bit of a snob, or is he falling a bit short of a decent standard?

Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Joanne279 · 28/07/2013 20:03

No I don't do it for them. I remind them. Does that hurt?

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 28/07/2013 20:04

but thankfully, not and thankfully.

Sallystyle · 28/07/2013 20:06

OP, my 14 year old often had to be reminded until he turned 13. He just didn't care much if his teeth were clean or not despite me telling him how important it is. Once he turned 13 he started washing and loads more and cleans his teeth three times a day, but for a long while if I didn't prompt him to clean his teeth he would have tried to get away with it.

HildaOgden · 28/07/2013 20:13

There is no harm in occasionally reminding them,no.But if you are 'reminding' them every single time then it's not actually teaching them to do it as an automatic routine...they are doing it only because an adult says so.Of course it would help if he made it part of their bedtime routine...but he doesn't.As you have said it to him and got no where,then you need to make the children more responsible for their own hygiene (and as you have them more than 90 per cent of the time,then the fact of it is,you are the one in the best position to be teaching them normal personal care responsibilities).

Viviennemary · 28/07/2013 20:13

I think there are times when you have to live and let live. Of course you can carry on shouting and stressing but it's not doing any good. It doesn't seem as if the children are coming to any harm over these 24 hours they are with their Dad.

HeySoulSister · 28/07/2013 20:16

They are relaying a lot if info back to their mum here...maybe he is reminding them. Maybe they are being offered healthier food. Maybe they are 'forgetting' all this and picking up on your anxiety? Did they over hear you yelling at dad?

dontcallmehon · 28/07/2013 20:17

I would do the 5 year old's teeth when they're with you. My dentist recommended that they have their teeth brushed for them until the age of 7. I still brush my 7 year old's teeth though - can you tell I'm an obsessive Grin. Mouthwash after meals, not after brushing, as you want to leave a film of toothpaste on the teeth. Get them to have the fluoride treatment at the dentists so you'll feel better too.

It's obviously far from ideal when they are at their dad's. I think other posters are just trying to emphasise that they isn't much you can do about his behaviour if he's not listening to you Sad, but perhaps you can try to impress the importance of tooth brushing/hygiene on the dc.

I would be concerned about the park - a nine year old is young to supervise - I'm not sure what you can do, but I'd perhaps try and talk to the kids dad and explain that you're not happy for him to have more contact until these issues are addressed. It is a difficult one.

Shesaysso · 28/07/2013 20:17

YANBU - he sounds lazy with poor parenting skills. I wouldnt be happy either. Theres no way my DS aged 5 would brush his teeth or change clothes without me reminding / encouraging him.

SlimePrincess · 28/07/2013 20:18

I think YANBU. Have you tried raising the food and hygienr isue with him? And if so what did he say about it.

I'm sorry you got flamed (personally I don't think you deserved it).

HeySoulSister · 28/07/2013 20:19

slime op says in her first post she has tried both speaking to him and yelling at him

Lackedpunchesforever · 28/07/2013 20:22

'Why are Disney daddies and weekend dads excused for being lazy about the most basic aspects of hygiene?'

This ^^^

kim147 · 28/07/2013 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

allnewtaketwo · 28/07/2013 20:26

I really and truly do not understand his the bath water can be vile after 2 days. What ate they doing there, rolling around in mud? I don't get it at all

Nomoredramaplease · 28/07/2013 20:28

My DSS's mum is the same, no interest in their personal hygiene or teeth. The washing and clean clothes I would let go, it's not going to harm them in the long term but it is shockingly lazy parenting. The teeth thing is inportant though, maye get the dentist to talk to the the next time they visit? If your ex isn't going to step up then your DC are goin to have to take responsibility for it, which isn't great especially for the 5 year old but that's the way it goes. The rest of it sounds ok for one night a fortnight, pick your battles.

EatYourCrusts · 28/07/2013 20:29

I don't know why you got so flamed either. Flowers

Yanbu. It isn't too much to expect a dad to make sure his DC go to bed with clean teeth!

SlimePrincess · 28/07/2013 20:29

Sorry Blush I didn't notice that bit.

ShellyBoobs · 28/07/2013 20:39

I bath my kids when they come home. The water is vile. I wouldn't water a plant with it! My kids bath at mine 4 times a week.

So they miss 1 bath when they stay at their dad's house and miss 3 baths per week when they're with you?

I don't understand then why they're so filthy when they get back after one night at his but not when they are with you?

Is he doing activities with them which get them particularly grubby?

Nomoredramaplease · 28/07/2013 20:44

Shelly I'd assume the OP's kids get a good wash at the sink on the days between baths, morning and night, which doesn't sound like it's happening at their dad's house hence they are grubby by the time they get home.

IndiansInTheLobby · 28/07/2013 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 28/07/2013 20:44

To the question about why Disney dads are excused etc. I don't believe that all the advice given here does excuse feckless parenting. For my part, at least, I recognise the utter frustration at dealing with a feckless ex who opts out of doing the most basic parenting as described by the OP. But I also recognise the futility of trying to get someone who is prone to being feckless to 'mend their ways' and give a shit about what I think it want. I choose to detach from anything that my ex does, even if it does mean my DD comes back to me filthy wearing the same knickers she left in.

Like someone else said, you pick your battles carefully in these situations. If you got to war on everything, you end up burning yourself out, and making an already difficult relationship much worse, to the detriment of the DC IMO.

allnewtaketwo · 28/07/2013 20:47

But grubby is no where the same as the water being "vile"

whatever5 · 28/07/2013 20:52

He sounds pretty useless.

The majority of 5 year olds and many 8 year olds need to be reminded to brush their teeth sometimes, especially if they are not in their usual routine. I would be really annoyed that he isn't doing that. Those who think it isn't a problem don't know much about teeth.

HildaOgen- I'm confused by your response. How would not reminding them to brush their teeth teach them to do it as an automatic routine? That doesn't seem very logical.

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 28/07/2013 20:55

'Why are Disney daddies and weekend dads excused for being lazy about the most basic aspects of hygiene?'

It's not always laziness.

How many of us forgot something relating to their PFB in the early days or weeks; perhaps left a nappy til it was sodden and heavy, or even left them behind somewhere?
Who has forgotten to give their DC a dose of antibiotic they've been prescribed?

A NRP who spends less than a day a fortnight eith his DCs doesn't have the chance to 'familiarise' himself with DCs routines - if he has them more often as he's asked, it's likely to get easier for him.

kim147 · 28/07/2013 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CecilyP · 28/07/2013 20:59

I can't understand how the water can be 'vile' if they are only going one night without a bath or proper wash unless they do actually spend the visits rolling in mud. Wearing the same pants for 2 days isn't going to do them any harm either. While the tooth brushing situation isn't ideal, they are not actually going a whole day without brushing if they brush before they go and again when they come back.