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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my kids dad is a waste of time

241 replies

Joanne279 · 28/07/2013 17:38

Hello everyone,

Just after your thoughts...

My kids aged 8 and 5 go to their dads once a fortnight from sat morning to Sunday tea time.

My first issue, are the sleeping arrangements. He lives with his gf and her 2 kids in a 2 bed house. Their dads other child sged 11, my eldest, and his gf kids aged 7 and 9 all sleep in one room. My son age 5 sleeps in their dads bed! With their bedding theyve prob had sex in! And their dad and his gf sleep on the sofa.

My second issue are the hygiene issues. They don't wash. They don't clean their teeth. He doesn't change their pants. He doesn't brush their hair! I have to send 2 changes of clothes and I'm dumped with all the washing when they get home.

My third issue are toys! Broken and dirty toys from the car boot. Today's luxury item was a china money vase with a HUGE Crack all the way round glued back together! Followed by broken Lego covered in pen! Yes you can get bargains from the carboot but every time they come home it's another bag full of crap! They break within hours of being home then I'm left with the tears of broken toys :(

I'm at my wits end. I've tried asking him about the issues and I've tried yelling but he just won't address any issue!

Seriously, am I being a bit of a snob, or is he falling a bit short of a decent standard?

Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Joanne279 · 28/07/2013 18:37

That's the point. When I was with him he used to get upset at the state of his older kids. But now it's ok.

OP posts:
HeySoulSister · 28/07/2013 18:39

Where are you getting all the details from?

Have the children reliably informed you about the sheets? How would they know if they are clean or not even?

dontcallmehon · 28/07/2013 18:41

I think if you asked a dentist if not brushing teeth for a weekend mattered they would have a different view. I really would teach the kids to do that themselves. Pizza and McDonalds are not massively sugary and at least they are main meals and not snacks, which really does cause tooth decay. I'd be more worried about raisins or too much citrus fruit tbh.

ImNotBloody14 · 28/07/2013 18:42

Hang on joanne- they spend one night a fortnight at his- so thats 1 mcdonalds a fortnight. Hardly excessive- as i said before you are over reacting. And you havent been abused on this thread.

Original poster
Joanne279 · 28/07/2013 18:43

Yes they have told me thanks. I love the sarcasm that its ok for you to assume but imply its not ok if I do. Why not ask nicely?

OP posts:
kim147 · 28/07/2013 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeySoulSister · 28/07/2013 18:43

Show us this 'abuse' ??

Lackedpunchesforever · 28/07/2013 18:44

YANBU OP. But one of the golden rules on MN is that you, as the mother of a child are not allowed to criticise the parenting skills of your Ex. The 'not your business' remark before is jaw dropping.

Basic hygiene, teeth cleaning etc are fundamental elements of childcare. If he can't be arsed to manage that then he's hardly father of the year. And the frustrating thing for me is that after being allowed to 'not' clean their teeth/wash at their dads, it's me who is immediately tipped into 'nasty mummy' mode when I insist that they brush their teeth before bed.

With regards sleeping arrangements, there isn't a lot that you can do other than suggest that a fold up camp bed might be more appropriate. How amenable is he to having you make ANY suggestions at all ?

Original poster
Joanne279 · 28/07/2013 18:47

You'd be more worried about citrus fruits than junk food?! Really? I must seriously be from another planet. No more replies please.

OP posts:
RoxyFox211 · 28/07/2013 18:47

I think it's a bit pointless to post in "am I being unreasonable?" if you've already completely decided before hand. However if you are worried (which I understand) best thing to do is talk to him (dcs dad) about it. He's the only one who can really do anything about it.

ImNotBloody14 · 28/07/2013 18:48

Joanne you dont get to end the tread when it doesnt go your way. People can reply without your consent.

kim147 · 28/07/2013 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Joanne279 · 28/07/2013 18:50

I don't want any more replies because of people attitude and rudeness. I get it. I'm ott, but why can't you be polite?

OP posts:
ImNotBloody14 · 28/07/2013 18:51

Where have i been rude?

HeySoulSister · 28/07/2013 18:52

You see it can be turned around. Dad could disagree with how you deal with the kids and he could also yell at you to try and change how you are feeding them/treating them.... Is that his business? He might think you are being neglectful for feeding them citrus fruit

WorraLiberty · 28/07/2013 18:53

It's not ideal but we're talking about an over night stay, once a fortnight...so it's unlikely to do any harm.

At 8 and 5 they can dress themselves I assume?

And perhaps the 8yr old can help the 5yr old out.

It sounds like mayhem though and a lot for the parents to handle all together.

Capitola · 28/07/2013 18:54

Well it all sounds very scuzzy to me, so YANBU to be irritated.

kim147 · 28/07/2013 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FairyThunderthighs · 28/07/2013 18:54

I get where you're coming from, this stuff used to annoy me too with my eldest visiting dad. Teeth not brushed (and he hadn't been reminded to do so like I have to do), scruffy clothes, piles of cheap tat with him, been eating rubbish constantly etc. But I've learned not to sweat the small stuff. And that's what it is, although I appreciate it doesn't feel like that now! As long as you feed them well and ensure they are clean and tidy the rest of the time a few days isn't going to hurt, really.
Yes, it's bloody annoying, you find yourself wondering what you ever saw in them, and why you bother bringing your kids up right when the other parent clearly can't be bothered. But think of it this way -they're having a nice time, and you are allowing the relationship between your children and their father to continue, after the breakdown of your relationship. That's a good thing!
Smile and let it wash over you.

cantspel · 28/07/2013 18:56

Maybe he expects them to be more independant than you do. I would expenct a 5 and 8 year old to be able to put on clean underwear, brush teeth and comb hair. Maybe he is the same?

As to a pizza or mcd once every 2 weeks it is hardly an issue. 2 meals a month that are not home cooked with veg is not alot and wont do any harm to their long term development or eating habits.

gamerchick · 28/07/2013 18:57

Joanne, you need to take a step back and take a few deep breaths. You're obviously so upset that nothing other than toatly agreeing with you is going to make you listen.

There's is nothing you've posted that would raise some red flags. It's once a fortnight and I do understand. It's a bone of contention for me when my kids to to their dads and he's lax with basic parenting and hygiene. However mine are 6 and 13 and the 6 yr old isn't allowed to sleep over there because it's so minging and my 13 yr old is old enough to take care of things himself. I just shoehorn him into the shower when he get's home.

If your kids have a good time, aren't unhappy about going, aren't being abused or hit then really, what you've said I believe you should be able to let go once every 2 weeks.

Is there something else you're upset about and this is what you're concentrating on? Is it the thought they are having sex maybe?[/clutchingatstraws]

Maybe you could buy a blow up bed or two to send over and own bedding if it really bothers you perhaps?

Meglet · 28/07/2013 18:59

yanbu. No excuse at all for him not making sure they have brushed their teeth, washed faces, brushed hair clean clothes etc Angry. Yes it's a PITA constantly having to remind then but last time I checked it was a parents job to do it.

I'm not sure I would have found that fun as a child TBH.

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 28/07/2013 19:01

I think it's very difficult to effectively apply 'best practice' parenting techniques when you only see/parent your DCs for less than 24 hours a week.
The household don't have a routine for bedtime, mornings and mealtimes, so things get missed; a bit like when you go away on holiday!
Eating out is often the only way a whole blended family can eat together - there just aren't enough seats at the table/plates/cutlery at home!

I'm guessing it would be difficult given the cramped living arrangements, but perhaps a routine would develop at Dads if the DCs spent more time there?

Tittypulumpcious · 28/07/2013 19:02

I agree with Meglet and I think the Op is being given a really hard time over her concerns.

Changing of underwear, washing and teeth cleaning is basic hygiene. I'd be unhappy about that too.

Original poster
Joanne279 · 28/07/2013 19:03

I just think this has turned into a witch hunt!

If I was doing this to my kids, you would all be encouraging him to ring social services.

Its some people rudeness that is irritating me more than the point you are trying to make. Maybe I should be the shit comments wash off me. If you think it's ok to talk to people like that, then why the hell am I listening to your opinion

Ill prob get more abuse for that comment but seriously, some people attitude on this site stinks!!!

OP posts: