To think my kids dad is a waste of time

[Joanne279]

Hello everyone,

Just after your thoughts...

My kids aged 8 and 5 go to their dads once a fortnight from sat morning to Sunday tea time.

My first issue, are the sleeping arrangements. He lives with his gf and her 2 kids in a 2 bed house. Their dads other child sged 11, my eldest, and his gf kids aged 7 and 9 all sleep in one room. My son age 5 sleeps in their dads bed! With their bedding theyve prob had sex in! And their dad and his gf sleep on the sofa.

My second issue are the hygiene issues. They don't wash. They don't clean their teeth. He doesn't change their pants. He doesn't brush their hair! I have to send 2 changes of clothes and I'm dumped with all the washing when they get home.

My third issue are toys! Broken and dirty toys from the car boot. Today's luxury item was a china money vase with a HUGE Crack all the way round glued back together! Followed by broken Lego covered in pen! Yes you can get bargains from the carboot but every time they come home it's another bag full of crap! They break within hours of being home then I'm left with the tears of broken toys :(

I'm at my wits end. I've tried asking him about the issues and I've tried yelling but he just won't address any issue!

Seriously, am I being a bit of a snob, or is he falling a bit short of a decent standard?

Thanks.

Just read a bit more so to add:

For one overnight I wouldn't be expecting them to have been bathed unless they had gotten especially filthy, my eldest is resident for the most part with his Dad and on the occasions when he is only here for one night I don't tend to do bath's either unless we've been out for the day and gotten particularly filthy doing things like playing in streams with the dogs on a nice day.

Also I wouldn't expect clothes to be coming back washed in that time assuming he's making the most of doing things with the kids whilst their with him and not just plonking them in front of the tv so that he can do their washing. I try to send stuff back washed but don't always have the time if we've been on trips out, likewise I'll send him to his Dad's in stuff and he won't have always washed it in time for him coming back (sometimes 2 weeks later) when he return's said clothes, its a none issue it takes 2 minutes to just bung it in the machine with my next load.

OK, without getting caught up in right or wrong- possible practical solutions: -

-Can you bath them on Sat morning, and then (if needed) again on Sun eve? Then they haven't missed even one bath.

-Can your DD's hair go in a french plait or similar that will keep it out the way, and hopefully last overnight, so it doesn't get too knotty?

-Involve them in the packing of their bag, esp your oldest, so you can say "here is the toothbrush, remember we always use this before bed and after breakfast, here are your clean pants", etc, and if you did it every week it would sink in? Also do they ever stay anywhere else, e.g. your parents/Aunt or Uncle's? If so, go through the same packing process and ask the adult there to prompt them as little as possible with teeth and clean pants, perhaps just saying "what else do we do before bed?", etc, so they get used to being in charge of the routine.

-If the sheets really bother you, you could buy them sleeping bags, and tell your DP that you had to buy them for xxx (a sleepover, camping, whatever) and thought it would save him washing if the DCs brought them to his.

-Give them a substantial, healthy breakfast (poached eggs on toast with fruit? A smoothie with veg in it?) on Sat and then have a nutritious tea lined up for Sun night- then it doesn't matter so much if they have no nutrients in between.

Hopefully steps like this will reassure you that they are ok- ultimately I think every single parent gets annoyed by the other parent doing things differently, but the main thing is to try to get yourself into a position where you can be as relaxed as possible about them spending time with their Dad.

Joanne279 I understand that it must be extremely difficult to deal with this every other week, and despite what some posters are claiming I'm sure it would drive them mad to feel that the other parent wasn't pulling their weight if they were in your position.

However it is just an annoyance and if your children are happy, then surely it is better for them to spend time with their father and get a bit grubby, than not to see him at all? And maybe talk to your children about brushing their teeth...

Allnew sorry but you are being a bit disingenuous claiming you are merely sticking to the points of the thread. You are not merely a neutral bystander playing devils advocate. You have repeatedly suggested/insinuated that the OP is either lying or exaggerating, and continued to do so even when other posters suggested they too have ex's who do fuck all in the way of parenting, as though the mere suggestion is akin to saying unicorns do exist. I'm actually surprised that you feel the need to question the OP to the extent you have, given that the sort of Disney parenting/lack of parenting is a recurring feature on the SP boards. Yet, here, when the OP posted about that kind of situation from her POV, it's just not plausible that any of her rant rings true? Is it not possible that the OP's ex here was used to the OP doing all the parenting before their split, and continues to abdicate that to either the DC themselves or the OP because all he wants to be is the Disney dad with zero responsibility? Not even a tiny grain of truth in what the OP says as far as you are concerned? You clearly have your reasons for thinking this, but don't like being questioned on what motivates that thinking. Yet I'm the one trying to 'wander off topic' simply to cause an argument?

China, the only options you suggest are possible are that the OP is either similarly neglectful of her DC as she has not acted on the red flags over the bed sheets or she is lying/exaggerating the seriousness of the situation at her ex's, for her own reasons. Clearly the OP has issues with her ex, that we all agree on. She could well be either of the things you suggest, or she could well be so caught up with her anger at genuine issues over his lack of parenting that every little thing he does is pissing her off, and she simply cannot separate the little stuff from the important stuff due to feeling so angry about her ex. Certainly complaining about broken Lego or dirty bed sheets would suggest that to be the case. But, it's not an either/or scenario that you suggest it is IMO. Far too black and white an analogy.

Plenty here have suggested that she needs to step back, pick her battles and continue to impress upon her DC the importance of dental/personal hygiene. That deals with her side and would be a better way forward for her and the DC than stopping contact or having endless arguments with her ex over this. But, it still does not excuse or justify the lack of parenting on the part of the OP's ex. Neglecting the basic needs of your DC over a prolonged period is not justifiable no matter what the reason. It will end up causing harm one way or another and that should not be excused or justified. Whether you want to excuse that is entirely up to you. I choose not to excuse it or justify it. I simply choose not to make an issue of it when it comes to deciding if my DD should spend time with her dad when he remembers she's here. Fair play if you want to be so generous about your OH's ex and her failings as a parent. I can't honestly share your generosity when considering how my ex fails as a parent because it is simply down to laziness/general apathy about our DD's needs. That laziness/apathy just makes my life more difficult but what does that matter? It's just part and parcel of being the parent who does meet those needs isn't it?

she could well be so caught up with her anger at genuine issues over his lack of parenting that every little thing he does is pissing her off, and she simply cannot separate the little stuff from the important stuff

That's kind of my point. The OP is so angry that she can't distinguish between a safeguarding issue (her 5 year old sons knowledge of the source of the bed stains) from the chewed Lego tat that has come home with the DCs after a day with Dad.
If the OP doesn't get a grip quick, then when her DS discloses to someone else, it won't just be Dad under scrutiny - the OPs judgements will be brought into question.

Of course, if the OP is speculating/exaggerating about her DS sleeping on stained sheets then it brings into question the accuracy of her other comments - is she speculating/exaggerating about the DCs teeth never being brushed or is that the truth? If that bit is true, but the dirty sheets isn't, then it suggests a pattern of behaviour that often leads to false allegations - why would a RP falsely imply that their 5 year old DS had knowledge of his Dads sex life?

Completely agree China

"continued to do so even when other posters suggested they too have ex's who do fuck all in the way of parenting"

"I'm actually surprised that you feel the need to question the OP to the extent you have, given that the sort of Disney parenting/lack of parenting is a recurring feature on the SP boards"

It seems you are suggesting I should be adjusting my views of the OP's specific posts on general trends on mumsnet and general observations other people make about their own situations. However as I've said, I have based my observations on the OP's specific posts.

Can I just point out that at no time did the OP say that her ds had mentioned 'stains' on the bedsheets. As hollyberrybush pointed out yonks back, this idea about the sheets - which has now been escalated to a potential safeguarding issue - has arisen only from the comments of other posters.

"continued to do so even when other posters suggested they too have ex's who do fuck all in the way of parenting"

"I'm actually surprised that you feel the need to question the OP to the extent you have, given that the sort of Disney parenting/lack of parenting is a recurring feature on the SP boards"

It seems you are suggesting I should be adjusting my views of the OP's specific posts on general trends on mumsnet and general observations other people make about their own situations. However as I've said, I have based my observations on the OP's specific posts.

Alertmind somebody asked the OP how she knew about the sheets and she replied that the child told her

LEGO is totally indestructible and it wouldn't show teeth marks. The rest I have no opinion about either way.

allnew you have got that wrong - there is no such reply from the OP. In her OP she says "My son age 5 sleeps in their dads bed! With their bedding theyve prob had sex in! And their dad and his gf sleep on the sofa." Hollyberrybush pointed this out way back.

This is in no way a safegauarding issue, and even if there were obvious sex stains on the sheets it still wouldn't be. It always makes me laugh the way one innocent comment can be pounced upon and misinterpreted x a million on MN, twisted, added to, taken out of context, and before we know it we've turned a relatively small issue into something huge and malevolent. All in our own minds.

Someone asked "
Have the children reliably informed you about the sheets? How would they know if they are clean or not even?"

OP replied "yes they have told me thanks"

That just suggests that the children said there weren't clean sheets on the beds, not any specifics about what was particularly unclean about one of the beds.

Agree Fellatio - this thing about the sheets has been upscaled to a ludicrous height. allnew - where in that quote does it talk about 'stains' on the sheets? Nowhere. The OP did not make any such statement.

The point in the OP about the sheets related specifically to sex. How would the child know there had been a) stains or b) the father had told the child about the sex or c) the child had witnessed the sex or d) the OP was projecting

That just suggests that the children said there weren't clean sheets on the beds, not any specifics about what was particularly unclean about one of the beds.

Exactly!

So if the OP was speculating on that point, and it wasn't factual, why the hell shouldn't posters like allnew challenge the accuracy of the other statements in the OP?

If the OP (and those who agree with her) are adamant that the concerns her DCs have raised are accurate then what it reveals is that a 5 yr old boy knows that his Dad has had sex on the sheets he sleeps on in his dads bed. If the 5 year old doesn't know that, then the OP has been speculating about what happens at Dads house on this thread, rather than limiting her post to the known facts.

Because its a bit extreme to suggest everything the OP has posted is a lie when she is clearly wound up about something, based on one part of her OP.

I could easily have posted as incoherent a rant as the OP 4 years ago, yet going by allnew's questioning/insinuation about the whole of the OP's rant, I'd be talking complete bollocks too. So, by that token, unless you can articulate precisely what the issue is, while in a rant about whatever the topic is, you are automatically talking bollocks?

It's not just one part though. Lego doesn't beak, so that's not factual either

Bunch I just love the way you're determined to make my points on the specific OP all about RPs in general. Either take that huge chip off your shoulder or pm me with your comments, as I'm sure your obsession with me is becoming boring for others

Obsession? Chip on my shoulder? Right. I challenged your comments allnew because you continued to post 'questions' about ex's who don't parent despite posters, including myself, who explained how their ex's behave in a similar way to how the OP describes her ex. If you question not only the OP but others who post similar experiences then why should you not be challenged on exactly what your agenda is? You keep claiming you are making no assertion about anyone, only the OP, yet you repeatedly questioned how anyone can tell if teeth have been brushed, hair brushed, washed or changed underwear. It's been explained quite a few times yet the OP here is still talking bollocks because of the 'sex' stains and indestructible Lego.

I'm not quite sure why you think you shouldn't be challenged. Do you have some kind of dispensation that prevents anyone from questioning your posts/agenda? This is AIBU after all.

Because its a bit extreme to suggest everything the OP has posted is a lie when she is clearly wound up about something, based on one part of her OP.

Personally I think it's perfectly reasonable - especially in AIBU - to challenge the accuracy of the OPs post when it is established that at least one element of it contains 'poetic licence'.
It is equally reasonable, IMO, to highlight that if the OP is accurate, then the OP has lost sight of priorities relating to her DCs safety.

No-one has said 'I don't believe you' they have explained the reasons why they find elements of the OP difficult to believe.

"you continued to post 'questions' about ex's who don't parent"

I didn't do any such thing, what are you even talking about

Bunch almost every one of your posts on this thread has been to me, hence the obsession