Grandparents

[newbiemum13]

I am a new mummy. Whilst pregnant my fiancés mother introduced him to her colleague as 'this is my son', then pointed at my bump and said 'this is my grandson' and failed to even acknowledge my existence, I was really upset but left it. They live about 45 minutes away and we see them about 4-5 times per year but probably get a monthly invite to see them.

Baby was born a bit early and was unwell and spent a few days in NICU. After I gave birth his parents visited the next day, and then a few days later. We went home when baby was 4 days old. We had a text request to see baby again that weekend, we said no as we wanted time alone, baby is now 3 weeks old and they have seen him twice and we have received a further 3 text requests to see him. I was really upset because it's like they think they have a right or claim over my child, there have been more requests to see him in the last 3 weeks then we see them in a year. It really panics me. I don't want to start with any set routine, or any obligations etc. So, last night I was upset, my mum got involved, I explained how I was still hurt by lack of introduction, how it annoys me we barely see them and now there is constant request to see us, then I went on to say how I don't want to keep passing my baby around to people just because others think I 'should'. I also went onto say how I am worried about registering the baby, because once dad is on the birth certificate (nothing against baby's dad) that then the baby is officially linked to the other family. My mum told me I was abnormal and obviously depressed, I'm not at all. But I have lived in a very controlling environment, where I have constantly been told what I 'should' do, lived with a mother whose mood swings are extreme, been threatened to be kicked out more times then I can remember, including when I first started dating baby's dad. I have never moved out even though I am in my late 20's. I have lived in a very unpredictable environment for years with very controlling behaviour.

Then there is my family, we are living with my mum at the minute. They already have grandchildren who live away who they have seen every few weeks since birth, but I have seen years of arguments and my sibling being told what is right or wrong in terms of the children etc.

I have passed this baby to every visitor when really I don't want to. Last week my cousin came to visit. My aunt, uncle and cousin often just turn up without letting us know. Something again I find hard. I have just had a baby but it isn't my house, so anyone can just turn up and I just have to deal with it. I was sitting on the opposite sofa with the baby, my mum asked my cousin to sit next to me so she could see the baby, she said 'I can see It from here', my mum then asked me to move next to my cousin so she could take a photo, my cousin refused to have a photo taken. My cousin, aunt, uncle and parents went outside. My mum then told my cousin was upset. I spoke to my cousin and she said it was because her sister now wasn't letting her see her niece that weekend. I didn't think anything else of it. The next day I got up and my mum was glaring at me, being moody, off it etc. I asked what was wrong. I was told how my cousin was upset because I hadn't let her hold the baby. I said she wouldn't even sit next to us. My mum said that they could all tell by my face that I didn't want her to hold the baby. This resulted in me saying not to tell me what I was thinking.

My mum then went on to say that I 'should' have walked into the room and just handed over the baby to my cousin straight way. That resulted in me saying not to tell me what I should be doing with my own child etc. My mums mood over this carried on for several days, including text messages telling me to leave home etc.

My mum is extremely controlling, always telling people what they 'should' do. I found the fact that she was shouting at me, and sobbing her hear out because my cousin didn't hold the baby quite frightening and made me feel even more protective over him.

It worries me that now the baby is born his family are now expecting to see us more and continually asking to see us. Last night I ended up in tears. I don't want to have any set routine, obligations, expectations in terms of grandparents seeing the baby. I find it upsetting that we only saw the a handful of times before the baby was born and now they will push for that to increase.

I find it hard at home because I have spent years listening to my mum going on about the other grandchildren and seeing what state of upset she gets in about them, it is extreme, the awful texts that get sent about them and that's when they live over an hour away. Their family are going through a divorce and now my mum is going on about grandparents rights, and going to court to get access. The whole thing makes me panic about my child and feel very protective.

There have been so many visitors and I have handed him over to every one. Then there are fiancés parents now constantly requesting to see us. I just want us to be left alone. My mum does a lot of child care for her other grandchildren, I don't want to get into this, I think it makes boundaries very difficult.

I just don't know what to do really.

I just want to be left alone

If you're feeling overwhelmed by all the visits and requests then tell people this - your family and your fiances.

It is a bit unfair if you're accommodating all of your own family's requests and keeping his at arms length.

But if you want some time to yourself, just tell them. And start saying no.

fiance's.

You are tired, hormonal and stressed and yes, you may actually be depressed too.

It must be very hard living with someone else and having no control over visitors - but you can always go to your room for a lie down?

It must also be very hard feeling you have to do as everyone else thinks you should.

Is it on the cards that you get your own place sometime soon?

The MIL not introducing you by name is very off, did you or DP not correct her at the time "hey, don't forget newbie!"

I'm a bit confused. Do you live with your parents and your fiance?

It's quite normal for people to get excited about a new baby in the family and for people to want to come and visit it. Unfortunately some people forget to chat to the mum and dad of the baby! I expect the visitors will die down soon.

You sound like you need a bit of space for the three of you. Is there going to be a chance of the three of you getting your own space? Unfortunately if it's not your house it's going to be difficult to establish your own boundaries.

Also remember you have been through a traumatic time being in NICU, make sure you chat to the hv or midwife about your feelings, you are probably quite vulnerable to pnd at the moment, so watch for the signs.

"I have passed this baby to every visitor when really I don't want to"

It's hard but you need to gather all your strength and be in charge. Could you let them all have a little hold and then very loudly say 'I'll have him back now, while walking forward and putting your hands on the baby'? Then if they actually attempt to keep the baby from you you need to say 'i said I will have him now thank you' and just take him back.

You do sound a bit over-whelmed by all the attention, maybe you are being a little bit precious and you need to grit your teeth and let people have a little cuddle but definitely stand your ground about things like the baby being taken away from you etc.

At three weeks old the baby will just want to be with you and your DP and for a long while yet so just make it clear from the start that the baby won't be going anywhere without you for a long time.

There are so many issues here.

1. you need to move out because your mother sounds a nightmare.

1. you shouldn't have to hand your baby round your whole family.

1. I can quite understand your fiancé's family wanting to see their grandchild when they know that your own family are around so much.

1. Worrying about having your baby's father's name on the birth certificate because it links your child to the 'other family' is not normal.

1. Your Mum is probably right that you are depressed, although she is perhaps unaware that she is the cause of a lot of it. You sound very low and anxious - do you have a health visitor or GP that you could talk to.

1. And perhaps most importantly - where is your partner in all of this? Does he live with you? What are your plans to set up life as a family?

Can I ask why you are still at home knowing how unhappy the environment is for you, and now you have a baby?

I feel for you, you sound very sad and anxious.

Is it possible for you to move out at all to establish your own household & routine? That way you can decide when people get to see the baby and you will have more control over your life. Your anxiety is a result of not having any control whilst living in your family home. I had a premature baby & people were generally good about me directing contact time but they were aware that he was in hospital for 5 months. I established boundaries by keeping him in a sling when people visited so they could see him but not hold him unless I decided they could. It was a polite way of establishing firm but gentle boundaries without upsetting people.

With regards to your in-laws, now that they have a grandson they want to see you more often. I would use this opportunity to re-establish the relationship on your terms, be more assertive and definitely introduce yourself in social situations. If it's not convenient to see them one day then say so but also follow it up with a day that they can visit. So again you are controlling the visit or see them in a public place like a park/museum so time is limited & there's no expectation of you hosting.

Please do speak with your hv and or gp if your feelings of anxiety are too much for you to cope alone.

Hi, thanks for the answers. I am definitely not depressed, in fact quite a cheery person however I live with another who is, she is very controlling to the point where in the past she has followed me etc. my partner and I are living together at my parents, I am the main earner and we couldn't sort housing in time for baby's arrival. I have seen the level of control my mum exerts over her other grandchildren and that's when they live away so I am on edge. I also doing want a high level of involvement with his family and the baby. I certainly never want to get into grandparents being child carers when I go back to work etc, I think that gets complicated and it makes it even more difficult to set boundaries. I think it's because I've never really felt free, even in my own life and I now don't want more demands over me from others because there is a baby on the scene.

I think you need a break from all the grandparents, just a couple of nights away (if you can afford a cheap hotel / B&B) with just you, your fiancé and your baby. You need to just be a little family for a bit. It will give you a bit of breathing space to think through a plan of action.
Not wanting your fiancé's name on the birth certificate is unfair to your fiancé. Whilst I understand your concerns about his family you have to remember the birth certificate will not change your child's relationship with your fiancé's family. Your baby is their grandchild, regardless of what the paper says. All excluding your fiancé from it will do is hurt your fiancé.
I think you need to explain to your fiancé what you think is acceptable with regards to visiting from his parents. Then he can liaise with his parents and arrange visits to suit you all. You may find that the visits from all family will tail off as your child gets older.
I think your fiancés parents are probably feeling a little pushed out TBH. They will view it as your mum having constant access to see their grandchild, yet they are limited to odd visits here and there. I think the only way around this is to approach them with visits you are happy with. I would also suggest days out with them, this will reduce the stress of the visits for you, so suggest a day at the park - and suggest they take baby for a stroll around the park whilst you and fiancé just enjoy half an hour together etc. That way they get their quality time with your child, but you remain in control of what you can do.
Don't feel pressured in to passing your baby around, whilst it must be hard to say no with your mum the way she is you need to say no to things you are not happy with. Set boundaries, for example if baby is sleeping no one can wake baby etc.

If your mum complains say you need to do what is best for your baby, and as babies mum you will always put baby before the "you should".
I hope things settle down for you very soon x

Thanks.....I am just annoyed at the fact that they suddenly want to see us more because of him. How often to people tend to see grandparents? I would never exclude fiancé from birth certificate, ever, I don't have a problem with him, in fact I have been trying to figure out how he gets more time with the baby, eg suggesting he works 4 days per week. His flexible working request has gone in so that even whilst I am on maternity leave he gets more time with us. I've looked at the unpaid parental leave (18 weeks) parents get unto the child is 5 and suggested we figure things out financially so he can take that time over the 5 years to have more time with the baby. It's families I have an issue with. I am never leaving baby alone with the MIL. I went into labour early (37 weeks) had fever, fetal decelerations, baby dragged out, episiotomy, 4 days in hospital, I had a fever, in the first week with visitors and health professionals I counted I'd passed him to 32 people. Then there was the made up rubbish about my cousin, that resulted in me being told to move out and how awful I was. Then there is the increase in requests from his family to see us more. At he I don't feel relaxed because my mum has some kind of flare up every few days. My brother has been getting divorced over the last year and its been literally hell. When I came out of hospital with the new baby I was faced with my mum ignoring my dad for almost two weeks as they had fallen out and not talking to my brother she to his divorce and him losing his job again, then all the "shoulds" about my baby, then his patents now wanting more access. I just want some peace and quiet. Despite all of this I have no symptd of PND, I love my baby and I am so happy. I am just overwhelmed by other people and feel controlled by them and like people are now more demanding. My concerns really are centred around people wanting access to and controlling my baby as I have seen this happen so much with the other grandchildren.

I hope you can move into your own space soon,

You really sound like you need that.

Yeah I do, I need to feel like his mum and the one making the decisions. I feel watched at home, comments like I am holding him too much or he needs winding etc or don't spill your tea on him ( when not even holding baby)

It sounds like you are in a difficult position not having your own space and the idea of a few days just the 3 of you sounds a good one.

When babies are first born all sorts of random relatives come round wanting a little hold, it will soon die down they just want to say they have met him.

Grandparents do see their grandchildren regularly, we see both sets at least once a week more like two or three times, but very rarely leave the children with them.

I would have a chat with your HV as you do seem really quite stressed.

On too of passing him to 32 people on his first week (that includes health professionals) and his other grandparents seeing him twice and requesting to see him another 3 times despite fiancé saying we want time alone, and having my nephew stay over for two days. Oh and now my other cousin who I haven't seen in 19 years and his wife who I've never met are apparently popping in next week. I've said I am going out, I am not having a repeat of what happened with my other cousin and being expected to hand him over to them too.

I actually think you need to speak to your health visitor or GP. You may or may or may not be depressed, but you could be suffering from anxiety.

I think you need to talk to someone in real life. I really do.

I think you need to make getting your own home a priority too.

Sounds awful. Work on getting your independence back and moved into your own home ASAP. You don't have the privacy you need. A lot of this stuff will calm down in time but it always makes my blood boil to read about pressure put on new mums by pushy family. When you have your own space you can organise your social life better.

You do sound stressed, understandably, is there anyone you can talk to in RL? I am not saying PND, just a bit over whelmed by everything.

You don't say why you can't let your MIL be alone with the baby. Is there a reason behind this? Could you not let her spend time walking around the park with your baby in the pram whilst you observe from a distance?
I don't think them seeing the baby twice in 3 weeks is that excessive to be fair. When my DC were babies my in laws popped round every couple of days for the first few weeks. I felt at the time it was too much, a few more structured and planned visits (where we visited them when we had the energy) was a way out of the constant knocks at the door. The visits then trailed off a little, and now we see them at most once a week, sometimes it is once a month. It is about striking a balance, but for your own well being set your boundaries with your DF and then let him sort it with his parents. Let him take the stress of his family, you have enough with your own. What about if your DF took your baby to visit his parents on his own? Would that be another solution to them increasing visits without your stress levels increasing?

I would strongly suggest you have a break away with just you and DF and baby. A week away would do you all the world of good if you can afford it.

"How often to people tend to see grandparents?"

I see my own mum about once a week, because she looks after my son one day. Sometimes it's only once. She lives about 4 miles away.

MIL lives abroad but if she was here I would probably see her once a week or once a fortnight as that is about how often we see her ex-husband.

I think a break away sounds lovely, I think it's a great idea. I definitely want to set grandparent boundaries straight away, I also want my own home but that seems impossible at the minute. I think I'd feel so much better away from all of the complete caos!

I suggest in the short term going out, finding a friendly quiet cafe with sofas or a park if the weather is good and you and your baby can just sit there for a good few hours. Buy a magazine to read while baby is sleeping.

That's a good idea....I just want time and space alone with him. To just be his mummy. To be alone together and know there won't be any interruptions.

It does sound horribly crowded and stressful. But I sort of see how your fianc's family are feeling- your family see the baby all the time, they have seen him twice in 3 weeks.

Is the any way you could lessen contact with all the cousins and so on, but give the baby's grandparents a bit more baby-time? Is their house more peaceful? Could you visit them there sometimes?

We could go there, but it's the fact that then bombarding us for visits too is stressing me out. To be honest I just want everyone to leave us alone in peace for a while. We usually see his family around 4 times per year, I don't want to increase that frequency. Having 3 requests to see him over the last week, despite us saying we want time alone is upsetting me and makes me want to back off more. At the minute it feels like everyone just wants to grab a bit of my baby.

But of course they are going to want to see you more often now that you have a child - because that child is their grandchild. I'm a bit confused about your thinking here.

I think you are fixating on the wrong thing - your partner's parents, when what you should be addressing is the situation with your homelife - ie. the fact that it isn't your own home and you can't control who is there.
It is understandable that you then want to control the bit that you can, your partner's family, but that really is very unfair on them. What is your partner's view, does he want to see them more often?