Grandparents

[newbiemum13]

I am a new mummy. Whilst pregnant my fiancés mother introduced him to her colleague as 'this is my son', then pointed at my bump and said 'this is my grandson' and failed to even acknowledge my existence, I was really upset but left it. They live about 45 minutes away and we see them about 4-5 times per year but probably get a monthly invite to see them.

Baby was born a bit early and was unwell and spent a few days in NICU. After I gave birth his parents visited the next day, and then a few days later. We went home when baby was 4 days old. We had a text request to see baby again that weekend, we said no as we wanted time alone, baby is now 3 weeks old and they have seen him twice and we have received a further 3 text requests to see him. I was really upset because it's like they think they have a right or claim over my child, there have been more requests to see him in the last 3 weeks then we see them in a year. It really panics me. I don't want to start with any set routine, or any obligations etc. So, last night I was upset, my mum got involved, I explained how I was still hurt by lack of introduction, how it annoys me we barely see them and now there is constant request to see us, then I went on to say how I don't want to keep passing my baby around to people just because others think I 'should'. I also went onto say how I am worried about registering the baby, because once dad is on the birth certificate (nothing against baby's dad) that then the baby is officially linked to the other family. My mum told me I was abnormal and obviously depressed, I'm not at all. But I have lived in a very controlling environment, where I have constantly been told what I 'should' do, lived with a mother whose mood swings are extreme, been threatened to be kicked out more times then I can remember, including when I first started dating baby's dad. I have never moved out even though I am in my late 20's. I have lived in a very unpredictable environment for years with very controlling behaviour.

Then there is my family, we are living with my mum at the minute. They already have grandchildren who live away who they have seen every few weeks since birth, but I have seen years of arguments and my sibling being told what is right or wrong in terms of the children etc.

I have passed this baby to every visitor when really I don't want to. Last week my cousin came to visit. My aunt, uncle and cousin often just turn up without letting us know. Something again I find hard. I have just had a baby but it isn't my house, so anyone can just turn up and I just have to deal with it. I was sitting on the opposite sofa with the baby, my mum asked my cousin to sit next to me so she could see the baby, she said 'I can see It from here', my mum then asked me to move next to my cousin so she could take a photo, my cousin refused to have a photo taken. My cousin, aunt, uncle and parents went outside. My mum then told my cousin was upset. I spoke to my cousin and she said it was because her sister now wasn't letting her see her niece that weekend. I didn't think anything else of it. The next day I got up and my mum was glaring at me, being moody, off it etc. I asked what was wrong. I was told how my cousin was upset because I hadn't let her hold the baby. I said she wouldn't even sit next to us. My mum said that they could all tell by my face that I didn't want her to hold the baby. This resulted in me saying not to tell me what I was thinking.

My mum then went on to say that I 'should' have walked into the room and just handed over the baby to my cousin straight way. That resulted in me saying not to tell me what I should be doing with my own child etc. My mums mood over this carried on for several days, including text messages telling me to leave home etc.

My mum is extremely controlling, always telling people what they 'should' do. I found the fact that she was shouting at me, and sobbing her hear out because my cousin didn't hold the baby quite frightening and made me feel even more protective over him.

It worries me that now the baby is born his family are now expecting to see us more and continually asking to see us. Last night I ended up in tears. I don't want to have any set routine, obligations, expectations in terms of grandparents seeing the baby. I find it upsetting that we only saw the a handful of times before the baby was born and now they will push for that to increase.

I find it hard at home because I have spent years listening to my mum going on about the other grandchildren and seeing what state of upset she gets in about them, it is extreme, the awful texts that get sent about them and that's when they live over an hour away. Their family are going through a divorce and now my mum is going on about grandparents rights, and going to court to get access. The whole thing makes me panic about my child and feel very protective.

There have been so many visitors and I have handed him over to every one. Then there are fiancés parents now constantly requesting to see us. I just want us to be left alone. My mum does a lot of child care for her other grandchildren, I don't want to get into this, I think it makes boundaries very difficult.

I just don't know what to do really.

The thing is they go through fiancé, they text him, they don't ask me. At the minute I don't want to arrange a date to see them at all, I am so fed up with it. The other thing that annoyed me is his sisters wedding. She said no under 5's at her wedding, which is fine it's her choice. When Fuentes went to tell them all I was pregnant the first thing she said was "baby won't be invited to my wedding". Anyway, yesterday the invite arrived, addressed to me and fiancé, no baby mentioned. He is her only nephew and the only grandchild on that side of the family. He will be 2 1/2 months old on the day of the wedding and is exclusively breastfed. If already said whilst pregnant that I wouldn't be leaving him to attend. Fiancé text his mum yesterday asking about baby. Got a phone call from his sister saying he could go (how good of her) but if he cries please remove him from the room, she's not saying vows over a crying baby. It's her wedding and if she discht want children I respect that is her choice but she can't expect people to want to leave their children either. So, he is invited now but to be honest after being treated like a wking womb, wanting to see us more when they weren't bothered before and the stuff over the wedding I really don't want to go.

Oh I can see that, I really can but I am also trying to stop his and our in boundaries now beiges any of that changes too!

I think you're being rather unreasonable regarding your other halfs parents tbh. You now have a child together,if you seriously think you will still only see them 3-4 times a year (particulary for babies first year of life) I think your kidding yourself,they will naturally want to see more of you and it is unfair for you to basically be saying "tough shit,3 or 4 times a year and that your lot". All in-laws become more involved in your life once you have a baby,its natural,mainly because they have more of a reason to want to see you. It doesn't mean you need to see them every day or week or leave your baby alone with them at all,all they probably want is a couple of hours seeing you all every few weeks or so,once baby gets older the attention and wanting to see you all so much will die down and probably go back into the 3-4 times a year thing. You'll find the same thing happening with all your extended family as well,cousins,aunts ect,you'll see them all now and probably won't see then again for months or even years (all my aunts and uncles have all only met my dd once and she's almost 4 and dhs aunt has still never met her!)!

Your issues with your mother are clouding your view of your DFs family,it is very clearly your mother who is the controlling one and distancing yourself from her will do you the world of good,having the excuse of going to visit your dps family will be great for that. If you want to make it clear that you don't want to pass your baby around to the world and his dog then just shut yourself in your room and stay there when people come round (and to escape your own mother for the majority of the day) or take baby out for a very long walk or drive to get out for a few hours and avoid people trying to have a hold.As for childcare,that's a non-issue right now but a simple "no" and saying it as many times as you need will deal with that issue when it arises (been there,done that,it works,even with the most persistant grandparents).

I'd suggest you go to your local council office and get on the housing list for your own place due to over-crowding at your parents. Not entirely sure why you're still living at home with your nightmare mother if you have a decent income from your job and are late 20s anyway but that's a different matter I guess...

Independance,your own home and time away from everyone will help you relax and feel much better. Its all very suffocating in the first month or so once baby is born as you get inundated with visitors and requests for visits but it all goes quiet and dies down after that. Everyone loves a newborn but they're not so keen on the snot-nosed,dribbling,noisy toddlers they become lol.

You really don't like your partner's family, do you, OP? I get the impression they'll never be able to do right by you.

I am never seeing them once a week. To be honest once a month would be too much for me. I don't want frequency of visits to increase with them at all. I know my mum is controlling and I need to get away. I also need to not tell her things so she doesn't then overreact about them. We all need distance. It's just how to achieve it. My fiancé used to live hours away from his grandparents so he was used to a childhood of very arranged family meetups, there was no random popping over etc. he also doesn't want regular visits getting into a pattern eg every week, 2 weeks, month etc

Does your fiancé understand your reluctance with regard to grandparents? Surely you can explain how you are feeling and ask him not to arrange any dates without discussing with you first?

As for you SILs wedding, she has changed her invite to include you and your baby, so don't throw it back at her! Go to the wedding, and take your baby out if she cries - isn't that what you would have done anyway? Your SIL may have been a bit harsh in her choice of words about saying her vows (if you are directly quoting her), but she has changed her invite to include you both.

Your own family (well, your mother mainly) sound like the real problem here, your in-laws merely sound pushy and insensitive.

I wonder if you're mainly laying in to your in-laws because you can? You're not beholden to them. Whereas your own mum, who is a constant source of day-in day-out anxiety for you, controls your living accommodation and has also bullied/controlled you for a lifetime so you probably feel powerless to have a go at her.

Put the holiday idea to your fiance and say BOTH sets of grandparents are being too full on. I don't suppose he relishes living with his MiL either. You'll both be calmer and more of a united front if you get a bit of time alone.

(I don't think SIL is being unreasonable re the wedding invitation at all though. At worst she didn't understand that bf means you can't leave a little baby, which is not a crime, and she's now said he can come anyway).

Yeah he does understand. I have enough to deal with with my family without increased pressures from his. The pushing from his needs to be nipped in the bud now, then I start working on everything else.

Question-aside from the failing to introduce you to people thing-what exactly have your in-laws done that is soo wrong that you don't want to see them or for them to see your baby? Unless there's a good reason for wanting lack of contact then you are being very unreasonable and unfair towards them imo..

Fiancé has apparently texted his mum saying that we'll be in touch to arrange our next visit to them. So hopefully that'll stop the requests and put the ball back in our court.

TBH, it doesn't sound as if your ILs are pushing.

They are asking for visits.

To which you respond yes or no.

It's not their fault that you can't cope with living with your mum.

Would like to say I understand how you feel about your partner's family. Dh and I have been married 5 years and have had very little contact with his parents for a variety of reasons. They've never shown interested in maintaining a relationship with either of us unless they wanted dh to do something. But suddenly with the arrival of dd they've got very unrealistic about the level of contact they want with her. So I understand how it can be a big jump. Dd is very uncomfortable around mil so we're trying to do short visits every couple of weeks, a massive jump from the three or four times a year we've previously seen them.
Although the texts probably feel very invasive they are asking, not assuming they can see your son. Do you and or dp feel you can say no to them or ask for some space. It can feel like you can't say no when the other side of the family has almost constant involvement with you and your baby. Pil monopolized dd's first few weeks with us as they felt left out as my parents were in and out of the house constantly helping out with my recovery post c section and they thought they were spending lots of time with the baby. In reality they were dropping off shopping and washing, picking up washing and thank you cards, and helping dh maintain the cleaning. They wanted to help but were very reluctant to invade our space.
It sounds like you really need your own space. I hope you're able to get it soon.

I think it aslso depends on the reasons that visits have been infrequent.

Often it's work/life getting in the way-on both sides.

But then often more effort is made-on both sides-when there's a GC.

Well hopefully the text to his mum saying we will be in touch to arrange to see them will work!

I can see it from their side (not saying they are right, just I understand their point of view). They have a shiny new grandchild who lives with his other grandparents. They will be feeling a bit left out.

I think that your first priority needs to be moving out. Find somewhere you can afford a.s.a.p. and get away from your mums house. That will give you some breathing space.

When you have done that you say to both families you'll put some dates in the diary for them to see you all. You stress that you are a family, you are not just a uterus on legs.

Your in laws have done nothing wrong, you are being incredibly strange in your attitude towards them. You have a son......you love him and you will still love him in 10, 20, 30 years time and you will want to see his children......karma is a bitch. Embrace the people who love your child and get some counselling, you have major issues.

Hadn't understood you were living with your mum. V stressful. Main priority to get your own place right now.

"karma is a bitch"

Oh rubbish. You don't understand Karma and you are being pretty rotten to someone who is clearly having a hard time if you are implying that she's going to get paid back for bad actions.

She is directing her anger at the wrong source......and sometimes it's helpful to think to the future.

Thanks duelingfango for your support. I don't have issues, my mother dies and I find it hard dealing with her ups and downs. On top of that I don't welcome increased requests to see us from the other half of the family just because a baby is here.

Your mother "dies"? OP, I think you are having some unfortunate issues with predictive text this alvo.

I also don't understand your comments about increased requests for visitation just because of the new baby. In your OP, you stated you see in laws 4-5 times a year but get invited around once a month. Presumably YOU are the one who turns down the monthly invites, as you later state you can't cope with seeing them on a monthly basis. And yet on the other hand you complain about them only wanting to see you more regularly because of the baby. Which IS it?

"On top of that I don't welcome increased requests to see us from the other half of the family just because a baby is here."

Why on earth not? That's what always happens in families with grandparents that aren't hours and hours away.

Unless your fiance's parents have done something awful, you are being unkind and unreasonable.

No I'm not, I don't want the obligation to see them more because I now have a child. I want us to be left alone to get on with our lives.

I'm thinking that once you get your own place and your own space, you won't find it so much of a biggie for the inlaws to come and see you and the baby. A Sunday afternoon visit once a month, for example, won't take too much time out of your life. It is natural that they want to see the baby, as he is their son's child.

And you don't care about the relationship between your child and his grandparents? You don't care that they want to see and get to know your baby?

As I said. Unkind, and unreasonable.