I am a new mummy. Whilst pregnant my fiancés mother introduced him to her colleague as 'this is my son', then pointed at my bump and said 'this is my grandson' and failed to even acknowledge my existence, I was really upset but left it. They live about 45 minutes away and we see them about 4-5 times per year but probably get a monthly invite to see them.
Baby was born a bit early and was unwell and spent a few days in NICU. After I gave birth his parents visited the next day, and then a few days later. We went home when baby was 4 days old. We had a text request to see baby again that weekend, we said no as we wanted time alone, baby is now 3 weeks old and they have seen him twice and we have received a further 3 text requests to see him. I was really upset because it's like they think they have a right or claim over my child, there have been more requests to see him in the last 3 weeks then we see them in a year. It really panics me. I don't want to start with any set routine, or any obligations etc. So, last night I was upset, my mum got involved, I explained how I was still hurt by lack of introduction, how it annoys me we barely see them and now there is constant request to see us, then I went on to say how I don't want to keep passing my baby around to people just because others think I 'should'. I also went onto say how I am worried about registering the baby, because once dad is on the birth certificate (nothing against baby's dad) that then the baby is officially linked to the other family. My mum told me I was abnormal and obviously depressed, I'm not at all. But I have lived in a very controlling environment, where I have constantly been told what I 'should' do, lived with a mother whose mood swings are extreme, been threatened to be kicked out more times then I can remember, including when I first started dating baby's dad. I have never moved out even though I am in my late 20's. I have lived in a very unpredictable environment for years with very controlling behaviour.
Then there is my family, we are living with my mum at the minute. They already have grandchildren who live away who they have seen every few weeks since birth, but I have seen years of arguments and my sibling being told what is right or wrong in terms of the children etc.
I have passed this baby to every visitor when really I don't want to. Last week my cousin came to visit. My aunt, uncle and cousin often just turn up without letting us know. Something again I find hard. I have just had a baby but it isn't my house, so anyone can just turn up and I just have to deal with it. I was sitting on the opposite sofa with the baby, my mum asked my cousin to sit next to me so she could see the baby, she said 'I can see It from here', my mum then asked me to move next to my cousin so she could take a photo, my cousin refused to have a photo taken. My cousin, aunt, uncle and parents went outside. My mum then told my cousin was upset. I spoke to my cousin and she said it was because her sister now wasn't letting her see her niece that weekend. I didn't think anything else of it. The next day I got up and my mum was glaring at me, being moody, off it etc. I asked what was wrong. I was told how my cousin was upset because I hadn't let her hold the baby. I said she wouldn't even sit next to us. My mum said that they could all tell by my face that I didn't want her to hold the baby. This resulted in me saying not to tell me what I was thinking.
My mum then went on to say that I 'should' have walked into the room and just handed over the baby to my cousin straight way. That resulted in me saying not to tell me what I should be doing with my own child etc. My mums mood over this carried on for several days, including text messages telling me to leave home etc.
My mum is extremely controlling, always telling people what they 'should' do. I found the fact that she was shouting at me, and sobbing her hear out because my cousin didn't hold the baby quite frightening and made me feel even more protective over him.
It worries me that now the baby is born his family are now expecting to see us more and continually asking to see us. Last night I ended up in tears. I don't want to have any set routine, obligations, expectations in terms of grandparents seeing the baby. I find it upsetting that we only saw the a handful of times before the baby was born and now they will push for that to increase.
I find it hard at home because I have spent years listening to my mum going on about the other grandchildren and seeing what state of upset she gets in about them, it is extreme, the awful texts that get sent about them and that's when they live over an hour away. Their family are going through a divorce and now my mum is going on about grandparents rights, and going to court to get access. The whole thing makes me panic about my child and feel very protective.
There have been so many visitors and I have handed him over to every one. Then there are fiancés parents now constantly requesting to see us. I just want us to be left alone. My mum does a lot of child care for her other grandchildren, I don't want to get into this, I think it makes boundaries very difficult.
I just don't know what to do really.