Grandparents

[newbiemum13]

I am a new mummy. Whilst pregnant my fiancés mother introduced him to her colleague as 'this is my son', then pointed at my bump and said 'this is my grandson' and failed to even acknowledge my existence, I was really upset but left it. They live about 45 minutes away and we see them about 4-5 times per year but probably get a monthly invite to see them.

Baby was born a bit early and was unwell and spent a few days in NICU. After I gave birth his parents visited the next day, and then a few days later. We went home when baby was 4 days old. We had a text request to see baby again that weekend, we said no as we wanted time alone, baby is now 3 weeks old and they have seen him twice and we have received a further 3 text requests to see him. I was really upset because it's like they think they have a right or claim over my child, there have been more requests to see him in the last 3 weeks then we see them in a year. It really panics me. I don't want to start with any set routine, or any obligations etc. So, last night I was upset, my mum got involved, I explained how I was still hurt by lack of introduction, how it annoys me we barely see them and now there is constant request to see us, then I went on to say how I don't want to keep passing my baby around to people just because others think I 'should'. I also went onto say how I am worried about registering the baby, because once dad is on the birth certificate (nothing against baby's dad) that then the baby is officially linked to the other family. My mum told me I was abnormal and obviously depressed, I'm not at all. But I have lived in a very controlling environment, where I have constantly been told what I 'should' do, lived with a mother whose mood swings are extreme, been threatened to be kicked out more times then I can remember, including when I first started dating baby's dad. I have never moved out even though I am in my late 20's. I have lived in a very unpredictable environment for years with very controlling behaviour.

Then there is my family, we are living with my mum at the minute. They already have grandchildren who live away who they have seen every few weeks since birth, but I have seen years of arguments and my sibling being told what is right or wrong in terms of the children etc.

I have passed this baby to every visitor when really I don't want to. Last week my cousin came to visit. My aunt, uncle and cousin often just turn up without letting us know. Something again I find hard. I have just had a baby but it isn't my house, so anyone can just turn up and I just have to deal with it. I was sitting on the opposite sofa with the baby, my mum asked my cousin to sit next to me so she could see the baby, she said 'I can see It from here', my mum then asked me to move next to my cousin so she could take a photo, my cousin refused to have a photo taken. My cousin, aunt, uncle and parents went outside. My mum then told my cousin was upset. I spoke to my cousin and she said it was because her sister now wasn't letting her see her niece that weekend. I didn't think anything else of it. The next day I got up and my mum was glaring at me, being moody, off it etc. I asked what was wrong. I was told how my cousin was upset because I hadn't let her hold the baby. I said she wouldn't even sit next to us. My mum said that they could all tell by my face that I didn't want her to hold the baby. This resulted in me saying not to tell me what I was thinking.

My mum then went on to say that I 'should' have walked into the room and just handed over the baby to my cousin straight way. That resulted in me saying not to tell me what I should be doing with my own child etc. My mums mood over this carried on for several days, including text messages telling me to leave home etc.

My mum is extremely controlling, always telling people what they 'should' do. I found the fact that she was shouting at me, and sobbing her hear out because my cousin didn't hold the baby quite frightening and made me feel even more protective over him.

It worries me that now the baby is born his family are now expecting to see us more and continually asking to see us. Last night I ended up in tears. I don't want to have any set routine, obligations, expectations in terms of grandparents seeing the baby. I find it upsetting that we only saw the a handful of times before the baby was born and now they will push for that to increase.

I find it hard at home because I have spent years listening to my mum going on about the other grandchildren and seeing what state of upset she gets in about them, it is extreme, the awful texts that get sent about them and that's when they live over an hour away. Their family are going through a divorce and now my mum is going on about grandparents rights, and going to court to get access. The whole thing makes me panic about my child and feel very protective.

There have been so many visitors and I have handed him over to every one. Then there are fiancés parents now constantly requesting to see us. I just want us to be left alone. My mum does a lot of child care for her other grandchildren, I don't want to get into this, I think it makes boundaries very difficult.

I just don't know what to do really.

OP, you are being bonkers, honestly.

You complain about your mother, but here you are in your late twenties, still living at home, with a fiance to boot and a new born baby. Frankly if either of my children were doing the same, I would be tearing my hair out. There is an unending stream of complaints about your parents, who seem to be pretty saintly tbh, and also about his parents, who don't seem to have done a single thing wrong from what I've read.

Can't you relax and stuff and enjoy handing over your baby? Why are you so uptight - that's the real issue - is it the housing situation? Are you suffering from PND?

Eh? The second coming? Yet many of you are saying the op may have PND/anxiety/something wrong so clearly having a baby is a major deal both physiologically and psychologically. Of course it is.

If it weren't, why are the gps making a fuss?

Wuldric, to use the word "bonkers" to a new mother is indeed a very horrible thing to say.

There you go again with this "new mother" shite. Being a new mother does not absolve you from everything ever.

And although obviously Pnd is a different issue entirely (which she has strenuously denied) the op's issues seem clearly all to do with the fact that she lives in a toxic environment with overbearing parents and yet seems unwilling or unable to change that situation. The in laws are a red herring.

Why? Why doesn't absolve you from being responsible for everyone else's happiness? Why should you have to make sure everyone else is happy regardless of your own feelings because you've had a baby?

It's not "shite". I pity your dils if you have any. Because it sounds like you will try to put your preferences over their "shite" preferences.

Of course I won't. I have said the op needs to get away. But she also needs some perspective.

Are you saying giving birth isn't exhausting a d needs rest afters?

Are you saying having a child isn't life changing a d requires massive adjustment?

Are you saying new mothers don't require some TLC?

You sound like you don't care about new mothers.

A few days or weeks of indulgent c goes a long way and hurts no one apart from some self indulgent relatives but would nurture great family relations.

And there is a difference between being responsible for everyone's happiness and just trying not to be a bitch.

Remember I did have a baby less than 2 years ago so I can remember what it was like. I managed to be kind to people and not behave like a total prima Donna whilst also looking after myself and my baby.

Indulgent care not indulgent c

I have not read all the comments as there are so many so I do appologise if this has already been covered.

A few things I noticed, you say you do want your son to have a relationship with your dp's parents but he is not going to be able to achieve that if you deny them visits. 4 times a year isn't very much at all and he will have forgotten them by the time he sees them next.
I also think 3 texts within three weeks is not a lot at all! I think you are letting your own relationship with them get in the way of their relationship with their grandson. Is there not a way that your fiance could visit his parent with your son for a few hours? Or they visit at your house but you rest upstairs. You sound overwhelmed and in need of a rest so maybe you need to have a small break from your son.

Apart from that i think YANBU about your own family. They sounds very difficult and hard work and I really do hope you work things out soon. When you get your own place it will make things a lot easier. You are in your late 20s and have lived at home for all that time so you are bound to be wound up by your mum.

I think your best bet is to talk to someone in real life and try to get a little structure into your life too. I really hope things work out for you :)

Be kind to people? Eh? Wait a few days or weeks. It's not cruel. You're not pulling out their finger nails. Grow up.

I think her antipathy towards the il goes a bit further than making them wait a few weeks. Like stipulating 4 visits a year whilst she lives with her own parents. So yes. Being kind is quite a nice thing to do under most circumstances.

Additionally, I don't understand you not wanting to hand your baby over to other family members. Having a baby should be a lovely time and most people love all the fuss and attention they get when people come over and show great emotion towards their baby. Are you sure there aren't any other issues?

I forgot to mention I know that when I have children my parents will be a big part of their lives and will probably see them a few times a week. (I am not saying grandparents should see their grandchildren this much, but i do think twice in three weeks is very very minimal and i would be very upset if my parents did not see them more)

OP, please will you go and talk to your doctor? You sound like you may be suffering from something a little worse than PND. I don't want to scare you but I think you should talk to your doctor.

Are you sleeping at all at the moment?

My big toe on my left foot throbs quite a bit, do any of you Internet doctors want to tell me whats up with it and how I can treat it.

Of course grandparents want to visit when you've had a new baby, and of course they are likely to visit more to get to know the baby. They want to meet the new member of their family, and for some people becoming a grandparent is incredibly important. Many people I know from work have become incredibly excited at the prospect of becoming grandparents, which everyone encouraged. I would guess that OP's ILs may well have friends who are asking them if they have met the baby properly.

Totally understand the desire to be left alone, just very confused why the ire is being directed at the grandparents who have only briefly met the baby in hospital and not the mum who is by all sounds a complete nightmare. To me the most important thing is for the OP to move to a home of her own and get some distance from her own mother.

I haven't read all this either, but It seems that OP is mistaking in laws for her family. Her n laws sound lovely - just texting 3 times in 3 weeks is not pestering it is ver normal and restrained. I also think that the pressure on her mum of having this family of divorced brother and daughter with partner and baby is enormous and being completely underestimated by OP.

OP you need to move out and get your own life and stop being so difficult about in laws, they are not your disfunctional relatives. It must be your main priority.

Just read more of this and can't believe how petulant you are, His sisters wedding is that - its hers, she has every right not to want babies interrupting her special moment especially if she has no other children close, How could your fiance think its right to ring and make her invite your baby. Its your choice, you go without baby - expressing milk for feeds or don't go How dare you be pissed off . one minute you want less contact for them and your baby and the next you are demanding you take baby with you?

Also remember someone telling me that the mother will get fed up of wanting baby all the time before the grandparents get fed up of wanting the baby.
Its true when you are tired and fed up with being up all night with screaming teething baby you WILL want other help.
Now its the perfect time for your relationship to grow, How could they have seen you more often before if you were working. They sound like a normal family and judging from yours yo are not used to that.
I also realise from your other posts that you will h ave loads of reasons why I'm wrong as well

In the OP newbie says that her MIL completely blanked her when speaking to friends and referred to her fiancé and the as yet unborn baby but not her! So I don't think that the OP's in laws are perfect and completely kind and attentive.

I think that the obvious issues with the OPs own mother are affecting how she feels about other relatives, but that there are some issues with the in laws. It would be more helpful to the OP to suggest ways in which she can get help for her intrusive thoughts and anxiety about feeling beholden to relatives, whilst recognising that some of her relatives are difficult to deal with.

Also think that mil probably didn't blank her at all and was just having a joke about her baby, It is probably her family issue that clouds what is normal. OP has been offered plenty of advice which is helpful and she has chosen to disregard it.

OP.
Why are you still living with your mother ,especially as you don't get along with her, in your late 20's?

If you think that a place of your own will make life easier, and I think it would, why are you coming up with the silly suggestion that your DP works less, instead of working his balls off to get a deposit.

What have his parents actually done to make you adopt this attitude towards them, apart from once not introducing you properly?

It sound to me as if the pair of you are using this baby as an instrument to hit others with and that suggests that you are probably overlooked in every other area of your life and at last, here is something that the pair of you can use to make others dance to our tune.

I think you need to speak to a doctor as soon as possible, realise that it is perfectly reasonable for grandparents, cousins etc to see a baby and stop sitting on the sofa, glaring at them.

get on the housing list.

get your DP working as many hours as he can, so that if the housing list is a long one, you will have enough to move out. Still wondering why, if you are healthy, physically and mentally, you are still living in your mother's house when you don't seem to have any liking or respect for her.

This has to be one of the saddest threads on Mumsnet. It does sound to me that Newbiemum13 is overwhelmed and quite probably depressed and that she has a nightmare mum (I had one too, I sympathise) but ... it strikes me that her reaction to any suggestions posted here is: 'Yes ... BUT ...' It's pretty obvious that she needs to get away from her mother's home. As for her in-laws, the MIL was indeed tactless with the 'patting the bump' stuff but it was probably an inadvertent mistake and no offence meant. Strikes me that ever since that incident, you have been vengeful. Please, surely in the great scheme of things, it was pretty trivial. So forgive your in-laws and no, they are not being unreasonable because they want to see their grandchild more. The bond between child and grandparents is usually wonderful and please, give them the chance. As for your mother, then perhaps you have reservations, but things might improve if you were no longer living in her house.

You say your mother is controlling, but, dear Newbiemum13, you are being controlling too, don't you think? I can't see the logic of not wanting to put your fiance on the Birth Certificate because of his family - it's your son's birthright, for heaven's sake, to have his father on record. It might be seen, almost, as a bit spiteful, though I'm sure you don't mean to be so.

As for not wanting to have to hand your precious baby around to all-comers, I can sympathise with that. With my own babies, forty something years ago, I was terrified that visitors might sneeze over them, or drop them, or squeeze them too tight. All the usual thoughts of an anxious new mum but you are quite within your rights to be careful, maybe allowing just a brief cuddle, or just permitting relatives to admire the babe as you hold him.

But I so agree with many others posting here - your HUGE problem is your housing position, in your mother's place. I am sure that once away from her, you'll feel a lot calmer and better. If I were you, I'd pull out all the stops to be rehoused. Use your GP, Health Visitor, Local Council, whoever. If both you and your fiance are working, could you not afford a small flat somewhere?

Sorry to go on and on. I reiterate - I think you are rather depressed and you should talk with your GP and Health Visitor. You're a very new mum, emotions all over the place and I bet nearly all of us posting here have been there - I know I have. I just felt sad, identifying with your in-laws, imagining how I'd feel if allowed only very occasional access to my grandkids. Please, forgive them - they could well turn out to be among your best ever friends.

Hang on, I've just re-read the OP...

You see your PILs 4 times a year but they invite you roughly every month. Presumably you and your DF refuse these invitations.

And yet you also say they never had any interest in seeing you before...

Clearly contradictory.

It seems to me like your PILs want a relationship with you and always have done but you're giving them the cold shoulder and trying to control them.

My own parents suddenly wanted to see me more often when I had a child - and I wanted them to as well. I can catch up with my mum on the phone and let her know how things are going in my life, but you can't really narrate the journey a baby makes from teeny tiny to toddlerhood and beyond without seeing them. I think YABU purely because you seem to think that your in-laws are being in some way duplicitous about their interest in you, when actually it's just that they want to have more face time with someone who is changing and growing quickly than they felt the need to have with you and your fiance before the baby was born.
I think you're going about everything arse about face - the way to 'deal' with your families isn't to punish the ones who aren't annoying in case they start, it's to confront the ones who are annoying you and make them stop. I don't think that you can stop your parents inviting their family over to their house, but you can say when they arrive 'Oh what a shame - x has been handled enough for one day, so I'm just going to take him upstairs' and just be done with it. If you want things to change, you have to be the one that changes the way you deal with them. Exerting this level of control over your in-laws isn't going to solve the problem with your parents, and threatening not to put your fiance on the birth certificate is just awful.
I do appreciate that you are having a difficult time, but I think you need to stop making trouble where there is none and start dealing with the things that actually are happening, otherwise all your son's grandparents will feel alienated and you might find yourself regretting your wish to be left alone.