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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My poor dd.

209 replies

Grindmygears · 22/07/2013 08:48

My DD left primary last thursday. She had a lovely day with all of her class mates.

Now she has found out that one of the mums organised a party at her house for the leavers but left my DD and a couple of others out.
DD was the only girl not invited.

She's devastated. She thought they were all her friends.
Aibu in that if you have a class party you should invite them all?

I could cry for DD.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 22/07/2013 16:07

If some of the teachers endorsed it by their presence; I'd have their heads on a plate. Teacher sanctioned bullying, basically Shock

pigletmania · 22/07/2013 16:08

That is disgusting op, I would be complaining to the HT and school governors, it is organised by the PTA that is unacceptable. What a nasty spiteful individual , I am Shock is all I can do, disgusting

Original poster
Grindmygears · 22/07/2013 16:09

Even if it was organised by parents outside of school i can still complain?

OP posts:
merlincat · 22/07/2013 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SauvignonBlanche · 22/07/2013 16:17

I think you should let the school know.

newestbridearound · 22/07/2013 16:19

I would still complain about the fact that the present and card were given out there rather than in school hours where everyone who had contributed was present.

newestbridearound · 22/07/2013 16:20

Also ditto that you sound like a wonderful mum, your DD is lucky to have you standing up for her and teaching her that everyone is important and should be included. She'll grow up to be a much nicer and kinder person as a result Smile

pigletmania · 22/07/2013 16:23

I would personally confront te mum about what a disgrace she is

pigletmania · 22/07/2013 16:27

Yes complain op, kick up,a stink, it was meant to be a leavers event organised by the PTA so should have included every Chid outside or inside the school it is unacceptable. It wasn't a wavers event then, as not all leavers were invited!

encyclogirl · 22/07/2013 16:28

Oh and just to add regarding the party we had..

One particular family asked us not to invite another boy (not the one with SEN), as their ds and this particular boy 'didn't get on'.

I totally ignored that request, but I know they felt that because we know them much better and our dc are closer we would take their request on board.

They were horrendously put out that we didn't and were quite sniffy when they showed up to collect.

Feck 'em.

Oh and the boys all got on fab, no issues whatsoever Hmm

pigletmania · 22/07/2013 16:29

Teachers endorsed it by being there Shock, go to the head and governors op this I a disgrace. I am so Angry on your behalf

VelmaDaceDinkley · 22/07/2013 16:29

It sounds like the sort of thing that happens in books like "The Help" - snobbery at it's very worst.

I would be coming down on the school like a ton of bricks. And in future the school should organise their own leaver's party to ensure EVERYONE is invited.

LJL69 · 22/07/2013 16:30

Havent had a chance to read all posts but just to say that IF this mother/daughter really did leave your DD out and it wasnt a mistake

  1. That is a nasty shitty thing to do and I feel for your DD - and you
  2. Make sure you impress upon DD that it was just them that left your DD out and not the other party goers. When these things happen the child can feel left out by ALL but the chances are the other girls expected your DD to be there and will have asked where she was or presumed she couldnt make it. It is easy to be made to feel an outcast when in actual fact it was just one person b eing nasty xx
TheRealFellatio · 22/07/2013 16:32

Hang on, hang on - am I missing something here? Confused

38 children invited out of 42. If it was a totally private party that would be a bit mean, yes, but I would not feel obliged to invite a truly horrible or troublesome child to a private party. BUT if it is a PTA endorsed thing then it is unforgivable to cherry pick, especially as you were all asked to contribute to the gift and teacher was present.

You say your DD was the only girl not included. You say you think it is because they are snobby about your council house. What about the other three kids? The SN boy you say was asked to leave, so he must have been invited, but then played up? Presumably they knew he had behavioural issues before inviting him? Where does he live? What about the other two unknowns? where do they live and do they have any issues?

I'm just trying to make some sense of this. Does your DD have any form for bullying or being bullied? It all sounds very odd.

HeySoulSister · 22/07/2013 16:35

god this is horrible

thinking of you all op

Lambzig · 22/07/2013 16:35

This is just horrible. I was hoping there had been a mistake, but apparently not.

As encyclogirl says, it's completely beyond me that someone could sit down with a class list and strike four off. Pathetic excuses too, no room - what in a field? Didn't think you would want to come - no obviously like being excluded by all classmates. She didn't even have the nerve to be honest when confronted. I would not have believed that a grown up could be so spiteful.

OP just be grateful you don't have her issues. I don't know what she has to be snobby about either if she is living in what must be from your description of the village, new build and sending her DD to a comprehensive she can't be that posh or that rich (obvs nothing wrong with either of those things, just nothing to be snobby about). Sounds like she is a little desperate.

You sound a lovely parent and I hope you spoil your DD, very mature and reasonable of her to be so ok about it.

FairhairedAndFrustrated · 22/07/2013 16:36

I'd be furious & I wouldn't let this drop. Bunch of bitches.

Was your dd's name on the cake, or just the names of those invited??

Chottie · 22/07/2013 16:36

This is so sad, I would feel bad for my DD too. Try to put it out of your mind and look forward to your DD starting secondary school.

LJL69 · 22/07/2013 16:38

Ok - have read all now - Fuck that. Straight in to school to complain. If this was a PTA shindig and staff present then I would presume its an oversight, however from what you say thats not the case. I am furious on your behalf. I am also shocked and disgusted. I used to teach and this is absolutely and in no way acceptable. Even if your DD was the worst behaved child on the planet (I know she is not) any school would contact you to try to find a way to ensure DD could participate but with your support.

The bit about her being embarassed to say anything made me want to cry. Humiliation to the point of not wanting to tell you. How bloody dare they. Please accept my hugs and best wishes xxx

xigris · 22/07/2013 16:42

Unless this is just a terrible mistake then this is truly awful. Your poor DD. I hope this horrid woman is on MN and is reading this. Flowers for you and [hugs] for your DD

SlangWhanger · 22/07/2013 16:43

Hopefully, it was just the one woman that organised the party list who chose to exclude your DD and the other two kids. I can't believe you would find a whole group of women (or men) that would behave like this.

Beastofburden · 22/07/2013 16:52

I would guess that although the organising mother knew perfectly well she was leaving 4 kids out, she didn't tell the school that, and they have no idea. Quite apart from your daughter, leaving out the boy with SEN from a semi-official do would be a big no-no. So she has probably misled the school and the PTA over this and they will be very pissed off with her when they find out. As she was trusted to hold a leaving do with all the PTA/teachers there, she had some responsibility to do it right, it was not up to her to indulge her prejudices against individual children.

So i would talk to the school about it.

chocoluvva · 22/07/2013 17:15

The bit that really gets to me is the thought of them handing over the class gift to the teacher that OP's DD had contributed to, but not been invited to see.

It sounds a bit odd - I suppose the PTA mums could have been there just as mums, rather than in an official school capacity, but the teacher was there too. If they hadn't invited the teacher to receive his present they could try to claim that this wasn't a PTA do - they're all mums who are friends - though that would still be nasty, but a member of staff was there. And a cake with the school crest and names on it. Were the names of the DC who weren't invited on it?

It's outrageous. And even if the DC who weren't invited hadn't wanted to go they should still have been given the courtesy of being given an invite.

chocoluvva · 22/07/2013 17:16

If it's a school do, it shouldn't be accessed from a private property either.

Yika · 22/07/2013 17:23

I'm completely appalled by this. I can hardly believe that people like this exist outside of soap operas. Kudos to your DD for her attitude. I agree that you should tell the school and confront the mother. Also, how about organising something special - but completely different - later in the summer to mark the transition up to secondary school. A special dinner and a show for example with a few friends, a day out ... The camping sleepover is also a nice idea. So that she also has a special memory of this rite of passage, but without trying to recreate the experience she was excluded from (by having another party for example) which I think could add to the humiliation. I also wouldn't make it about banding together with the other excludees - just something nice with a friend or friends of her choice.