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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My poor dd.

209 replies

Grindmygears · 22/07/2013 08:48

My DD left primary last thursday. She had a lovely day with all of her class mates.

Now she has found out that one of the mums organised a party at her house for the leavers but left my DD and a couple of others out.
DD was the only girl not invited.

She's devastated. She thought they were all her friends.
Aibu in that if you have a class party you should invite them all?

I could cry for DD.

OP posts:
WingDefence · 22/07/2013 20:22

Grind, this is so, so sad. I personally would say something to the cowmum, staying calm but just making all your points about the feelings your DD has had about being left out and how she obviously knows that it isn't because there wasn't enough room (on a community field Hmm) etc. Cow mum won't change her mind or her attitude but I think you need to make the point on your DD's behalf.

THen, as you've said you will, rise above it.

Original poster
Grindmygears · 22/07/2013 20:26

Dd doesn't want me to say anything but I think it will eat at me if I don't.

OP posts:
chocoluvva · 22/07/2013 20:48

Go through the school - an admonishment from them will have more effect on her. She excluded your DD because she doesn't care about your family, but she clearly does care about the school. Even if they don't say anything to her - which they probably wouldn't, if they've any sense they won't let her organise anything else and she'll know why.

Lambzig · 22/07/2013 20:54

I think the fact that cutworm (gosh I love that expression) has a daughter in your younger DDs class means that you have to speak to the school about this.

You are quite right that you can't let this happen again to your other DD and I think cutworm is entirely capable of pulling the same stunt.

I agree that facing up to her on this would allow her to feel (wrongly) justified in the decision she made to exclude your DD, so don't give her the ammo. I agree to speak to the school in a more sorrow than anger way.

Honestly, I want to slap the woman, and I don't even know her.

Lambzig · 22/07/2013 20:55

Cuntworm, cuntworm, Damn ipad autocorrect, I don't know what a cutworm is!

Catmint · 22/07/2013 20:58

Just wondering, is there a Chair of the PTA?

Could you contact them ( unless it is her) and make a slightly more forthright complaint as well as the one to the school?

I think the more official you make the complaint, the more likely her behaviour will actually be influenced.

It will also mean you shame her to the maximum number of people, but are seen to have kept your dignity intact.

hamab · 22/07/2013 21:05

Utterly shite behaviour from the adults.

stillstanding29 · 22/07/2013 21:08

One of the best things about high school is that parents are not so involved. My kids make their own social arrangements. So that nasty mum will be out of the equation.

PiratePanda · 22/07/2013 21:14

The fact that she has more children lower down the school is the decisive factor I think.

I would go straight to the Head, but NOT all guns blazing. Raise it as a humble, concerned request for information; sadness rather than anger. Say that you just wanted clarification - you understood that it was organised by the PTA and therefore official, and if so your DD and the other children were therefore very distressed to be deliberately and overtly not invited. Obviously if wholly private affair, then still distressing but nothing to be done yada yada.

Even if there was no PTA/school involvement, at the very least the school will be alerted to the fact that this woman is a problem - and they may still speak to her.

But if it WAS meant to be official, she will be in shedloads of trouble.

Especially if all of the affected children's parents speak up, you have nothing to lose from doing it this way.

xylem8 · 22/07/2013 21:14

an admonishment from them will have more effect on her
I don't think that the school are in a position to be able to admonish her for this situation as it is a private party and technically she can do what she wants
.But they can make damn sure that another time they don't find themselves involved in this sort of scenario again

JustGiveMeFiveMinutes · 22/07/2013 21:17

There is a mum like this in ds1's year. She is a cunt worm of the very highest order. I really believe she is a sociopath. She aggressively pursues relationships with parents who she thinks enhance her status and won't acknowledge people who don't benefit her in any way. She wouldn't think twice about excluding a child she doesn't approve of. She's excluded ds1 more times than I care to mention.

I really feel for you OP. I hope and pray your dd becomes a wonderfully successful person that cow woman will trip over herself to know and that you are there to witness it for yourself Smile

chocoluvva · 22/07/2013 21:22

I agree xylem - they won't want her 'organising' things again and she will know why even though they don't spell it out.

They'll also tell the staff to be wary of her,

She'll be out of favour with the school and she won't like it.

hamab · 22/07/2013 21:40

Shocking how a grown adult could be so cruel quite frankly.

Slipshodsibyl · 22/07/2013 21:42

The school my children attended sent a letter each year reminding parents that leaving a small number out of any party is hurtful. They stipulated that invites handed out at school had to ask every child (or all the boys or all the girls). If the invites were to be selected children they specifically forbade them being distributed in school premises and asked for sensitivity. This should be more widespread practice I think.

I think a quiet word with the head is in order.

mrscog · 22/07/2013 21:43

Love piratepanda's approach. The woman sounds awful.

pigletmania · 22/07/2013 22:06

You do not have to be all shouty and rude tohet, just something to put her in her place

xigris · 22/07/2013 22:47

Grind did you not say earlier that the invitations were handed out in front of your DD? Was that done in class and in front of the teacher? Surely then they should have realised that 3 pupils were being purposefully excluded? I absolutely agree with the other posters who've said speak to the school. This kind of behaviour needs to be stopped right now. As someone sensibly pointed out, she needs to be unceremoniously booted out of her little dictatorship the PTA.

TheRealFellatio · 23/07/2013 08:13

Oh I see - the SN boy wasn't invited, sorry my mistake. This really is odd and completely unacceptable. I can't imagine it was a PTA/school endorsed thing at all. Perhaps people assumed it was, because it was arranged by a PTA member, but it sounds like a private thing. Do you know whether the cake has the names of the uninvited children on it?

pigletmania · 23/07/2013 08:21

This party was done in a very underhanded and quite sneaky way. A leaving party for school leavers that did not include Chidren who alpha mum did not like, and which was endorsed by the school as teachers were present. So they took money for teachers presents from parents, but did not allow all children to see the gift giving Shock. When the Chid with sn turned up tey told him to go away Shock. No op you go straight to the head and governors. I would have taken dd to the party and refuse to leave and confronted AM (alpha mum) teir and then, and roped the teachers parent into it

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 23/07/2013 08:55

In a way it doesn't matter whether it was officially arranged or not. If the PTA and teachers attended and received an official class present, they are being seen to endorse this arrangement.

It is actually the responsibility of the school to make sure they don't endorse this kind of thing. Ok so they may have been bamboozled into it this time, but im sure they are warned against this kind of thing, and I don't think it's enough to say 'ohhh sorry we didn't realise'. Teachers and PTA should be ashamed and really committed to this not happening again.

FreckleyGirlAbroad · 23/07/2013 09:59

double, just because a teacher attended and received a class present, doesn´t mean they "endorse" the idea of some children being explicitly excluded. I would probably bet that the teacher had no idea at all that some kids had not been invited - out of school they are not going to be going round checking things like that. If they noticed some were missing they would probably assume they couldn´t or didn´t want to attend.

The teacher probably didn´t know they were going to be receiving a class gift at the party either. If he realised that some had been excluded, and even turned away, he would probably feel pretty bad himself for having attended. But it´s not something a teacher should feel any blame for.

Shitty behaviour from a shitty example of a mum if you ask me. Makes me wonder also why their dc didn´t ask where the missing invitations were for the other 4 kids. Maybe their dc is as bad as the mother.

Buzzardbird · 23/07/2013 10:08

Just throwing this out there but wouldn't this cuntworms actions be seen as 'bullying' (to me how this must feel to the excluded would feel like bullying)? Maybe that would be the angle I would approach the school with.

LIZS · 23/07/2013 10:11

certainly discrimatory

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 23/07/2013 10:16

Don't mean it's the teachers fault at all, do mean that people in positions of power like teachers have to be super careful not to be seen to be endorsing events and actions... Which is a good thing from OPs pov, as she needs someone to take it seriously and people to distance themselves from this nasty behaviour.

chocoluvva · 23/07/2013 12:42

Yes, OP's DD's teacher will probably be horrified when he realises that some of the children weren't there because they hadn't been invited.

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