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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to say no to this request from a friend?

1001 replies

TidyDancer · 21/07/2013 10:16

An old friend is getting married in my home town next month. She has been talking about it non-stop since she got engaged last year and everyone's very happy for her. She sent out save the date cards and all was good.

Invitation time came around, and nothing arrived. I wouldn't normally have asked but since she had sent the save the date, I assumed DP and I were invited.

Turns out nope, we're not, and neither is another of our close friends (also from our hometown). She didn't offer up any explanation for it, other than to confirm that we weren't invited. Fine, her prerogative to invite whoever she likes to her wedding. I was a bit put out, I'll admit, since we'd had the save the date card, but oh well. Our other excluded friend was very upset and had a chat with the bride. During this conversation, friend was informed that the bride sent out the save the date cards knowing she wouldn't invite everyone and seemed to be under the impression that the cards were for the purpose of telling people about the wedding before the guest list had been finished. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that's the case? About 20ish people are also not invited.

Fast forward to now, four weeks to the wedding, and the bride has emailed me. No mention at all of not being invited etc. However, she is now requesting my help with decorating the venue. Apparently most people are coming from out of town so she doesn't have much local help and doesn't think she will be able to find the time to do it herself. She also mentioned wanting to keep the decorations a surprise for the wedding guests so doesn't really want to ask for help from the few locals that are invited.

I'll accept not being invited, like I say it's up to her. We have been friends for a long time and it does hurt that I'm not invited but I'm not going to make a scene over it.

But AIBU to refuse her request for help? Does it look petty? My perspective maybe a bit skewed but I think she's being cheeky.

OP posts:
EvieanneVolvic · 21/07/2013 10:57

And before anyone else says it, you do know Tidy don't you, that you neglect to keep us updated on this on pain of being slapped with wet fish a lot of times!

OhTheConfusion · 21/07/2013 10:58

Send mortified's response!

pigletmania · 21/07/2013 10:59

Go for it tidy Grin

FannyFifer · 21/07/2013 10:59

Def send, but leave out the I wish you well but.

Backpaw · 21/07/2013 11:00

Can't you just post your reply on Facebook? A much larger audience!

AKissIsNotAContract · 21/07/2013 11:01

Crazy. Not sending 100 save the date cards plus postage would have left her with enough money to get a professional to decorate the room.

MortifiedAdams · 21/07/2013 11:02

Thanks. Tbh I think the friendship is over, so there is nothing to be lost by giving her both barrels, but wishing her well for the future means you stay the better person.

She cant ever speak ill of you.

rubberducky24 · 21/07/2013 11:02

another vote for sending mortified's reply!

Burmobasher · 21/07/2013 11:02

Wow. Tell her to cock off

ChippingInHopHopHop · 21/07/2013 11:02

I was just going to ask you what you were getting out of this friendship and why you wanted to continue it... but it sounds like you are already thinking about this :)

Yonionekanobe · 21/07/2013 11:02

I think if her head is this much in Bridezilla mode she will read your response as being bitter/jealous that you're not attending her fabulous day. I definitely think you need to let her know why this is outrageous behaviour but be prepared that it may not register.

comingintomyown · 21/07/2013 11:03

Yep send mortifieds reply and include the wish you well

TidyDancer · 21/07/2013 11:03

Dear F,

Save The Dates are usually sent to ensure your guests are avaliable to attend your wedding - not to make sure they are free to help on the day (and NOT get invited). I am astounded at your request, and will not be available to provide assistance for your special day.

Tidy.

Mostly all stolen from Mortified, how does that sound?

Evie - I will post any responses, I promise! I know how frustrating it is when threads don't get updated!

OP posts:
Mouthfulofquiz · 21/07/2013 11:04

Id say sorry but I'm busy that day and the day before. No details needed. She is taking the piss!

Jan49 · 21/07/2013 11:05

I'm speechless. I think she deserves a very rude reply.

MortifiedAdams · 21/07/2013 11:05

Sounds good!

EvieanneVolvic · 21/07/2013 11:06

Go for it!

Popcorn, suntan lotion, decent book......

Trills · 21/07/2013 11:06

I am intrigued as to what she thought "save the date" cards were for, if she sent them to 20 people who are not invited.

Is one of them being asked to do her hair?

patienceisvirtuous · 21/07/2013 11:09

Go for it :-)

HollaAtMeBaby · 21/07/2013 11:09

ooh yes check with the other non-invitees who had Save the Date cards! Maybe they've all been asked to do hair, nails, bake the cake, write the placecards...cheeky mare.

FannyFifer · 21/07/2013 11:10

Leave out the for your special day bit at the end.

WaitMonkey · 21/07/2013 11:12

I've never heard of anyone receiving a save the date card and not being invited to the wedding. What does she think they are for ? She is clearly deranged. You don't know anyone who is invited and has a copy of the wedding list do you ? Would love to see that. Actually I'm amazed she hasn't sent you a copy.

WhiteBirdBlueSky · 21/07/2013 11:13

Woo - go you!

DuchessFanny · 21/07/2013 11:13

Do it !! Dying to hear her response !!

wriggletto · 21/07/2013 11:13

I would amend it slightly, so you sound amused at her outrageous nerve, rather than simmering in your own hurt at not being invited: I'd add an ! after 'day' and cut it there, or add, we've made other pans, sorry. Her own guilt will do the rest, and if she's not the guilty sort, she can't then tell everyone you refused to help out because you flounced.

Although ywnbu to tell her to shove her bunting up her bustle.

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