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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to say no to this request from a friend?

1001 replies

TidyDancer · 21/07/2013 10:16

An old friend is getting married in my home town next month. She has been talking about it non-stop since she got engaged last year and everyone's very happy for her. She sent out save the date cards and all was good.

Invitation time came around, and nothing arrived. I wouldn't normally have asked but since she had sent the save the date, I assumed DP and I were invited.

Turns out nope, we're not, and neither is another of our close friends (also from our hometown). She didn't offer up any explanation for it, other than to confirm that we weren't invited. Fine, her prerogative to invite whoever she likes to her wedding. I was a bit put out, I'll admit, since we'd had the save the date card, but oh well. Our other excluded friend was very upset and had a chat with the bride. During this conversation, friend was informed that the bride sent out the save the date cards knowing she wouldn't invite everyone and seemed to be under the impression that the cards were for the purpose of telling people about the wedding before the guest list had been finished. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that's the case? About 20ish people are also not invited.

Fast forward to now, four weeks to the wedding, and the bride has emailed me. No mention at all of not being invited etc. However, she is now requesting my help with decorating the venue. Apparently most people are coming from out of town so she doesn't have much local help and doesn't think she will be able to find the time to do it herself. She also mentioned wanting to keep the decorations a surprise for the wedding guests so doesn't really want to ask for help from the few locals that are invited.

I'll accept not being invited, like I say it's up to her. We have been friends for a long time and it does hurt that I'm not invited but I'm not going to make a scene over it.

But AIBU to refuse her request for help? Does it look petty? My perspective maybe a bit skewed but I think she's being cheeky.

OP posts:
Somethingtothinkabout · 21/07/2013 10:45

Newcastle???? I meant new level...

Pigsmummy · 21/07/2013 10:45

Sanityclause the keep the date card is ideal for people who might need to book travel, hotels etc. Invites don't go out until eight weeks before so advance notice is a good thing surely?

However bride in this case has missed the point as you wouldn't send them to people who won't be invited.

TidyDancer · 21/07/2013 10:46

I want to be mean!

I was so even tempered with her when she said she wasn't inviting me and DP that I feel she's had enough of my niceness!

Thank you again everyone!

OP posts:
MortifiedAdams · 21/07/2013 10:46

"Dear X, Save The Dates are usually sent to ensure your guests are avaliable to attend your wedding - not to make sure they are free to help on the day (and NOT get invited). I am astounded at your request, I wish you well in the future"

FannyFifer · 21/07/2013 10:48

Go with mortifiedadams email.

lurkerspeaks · 21/07/2013 10:48

I can't believe she even asked.

I'm usually a pushover but I would be saying No to that request. I too regard save the date as an intention to invite (did have one wedding where invite never arrived. 'twas v. awkward finally got a 3rd party to intervene turns out one had been sent and bride was getting increasingly irate with me for not RSVPing... I never did get a printed invite but did get an e.mail and attend the wedding.

HairyGrotter · 21/07/2013 10:48

This has made me laugh with shock!!

What on earth is she thinking?! A simple 'no' would suffice, you owe her fuck all! In fact, I think my brain would just go into auto and I'd have responded straight away with 'fuck off you cheeky bitch' but then I'm usually a little loose with my temper Wink

MrsRajeshKoothrappali · 21/07/2013 10:50

If you want to be mean tell her you'd be happy to help and then piss off out leaving her and possibly the other 19 guests to do it herself.

Pigsmummy · 21/07/2013 10:50

Send her a link to this thread? Nothing else just the link?

EvieanneVolvic · 21/07/2013 10:50

seemed to be under the impression that the cards were for the purpose of telling people about the wedding before the guest list had been finished. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that's the case? About 20ish people are also not invited

So in that case she thinks sending out Save the Date cards are a bit like Lloyd Webber telling hopefuls "You could still be Nancy/Joseph/Dorothy/Maria"

So she is keeping her options open, but is not extending the same courtesy to you. Erm your friend doesn't know much about wedding etiquette or even basic good manners, does she?

Hate to rub salt into the wound Tidy but I think it's a huge pity you're not going to the wedding...it would be fascinating to see what other sorts of behaviour she would find acceptable!

Yonionekanobe · 21/07/2013 10:51

I thought I'd learnt a new expression this morning Something 😆

Tweasels · 21/07/2013 10:51

I'd be tempted to turn up at the wedding.........in a wedding dress.

PrettyPaperweight · 21/07/2013 10:51

I'd have some fun with this, tbh!

Assume she has asked you to supervise/liaise with a professional wedding service rather than actually do the job yourself, and so ask her if she's booked a company or if you can pick someone you think suitable, becauee you know an excellent company, check what her budget is, colour scheme etc etc etc!
Make a really big deal of it and leave her to backtrack rapidly!

rindercella · 21/07/2013 10:52

"Dear X, Save The Dates are usually sent to ensure your guests are avaliable to attend your wedding - not to make sure they are free to help on the day (and NOT get invited). I am astounded at your request, I wish you well in the future"

^^ this

pigletmania · 21/07/2013 10:53

As mortified has said and then say Adios to that friendship

TidyDancer · 21/07/2013 10:53

Oh Mortified! That's brilliant!

Any thoughts against that? Because I really want to send it!

I don't care for how it is received. I'm not particularly interested in maintaining this friendship after this. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I'm not massively patient with people who treat me like crap!

OP posts:
EvieanneVolvic · 21/07/2013 10:54

PrettyPaperWeight I just LOVE your suggestion so much I want to marry it and have its babies!

TalkativeJim · 21/07/2013 10:55

'Thanks for the offer, but I wouldn't want to intrude on your special day'.

pigletmania · 21/07/2013 10:55

Some people need to be told

WinkyWinkola · 21/07/2013 10:55

She's hilarious and clearly barking.

Save the date is an intention to invite. Not an intention to treat you as a volunteer.

Unreal.

She's not a friend. She is a dumb mare.

EvieanneVolvic · 21/07/2013 10:56

Yes I think Mortified's suggestion is excellent too. Is there any way you can bundle it up with Pretty's?

OldBagWantsNewBag · 21/07/2013 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Awomansworth · 21/07/2013 10:56

Well she's got some front hasn't she...

I too would be replying along the lines of what MortifiedAdams wrote.

She certainly doesn't believe you have a friendship (acquaintance perhaps) or why else would she not invite you to her wedding.

patienceisvirtuous · 21/07/2013 10:57

Like that response but I would leave the 'I wish you well..' out of it. No need to be civil :)

YouStayClassySanDiego · 21/07/2013 10:57

Go on, send mortified's suggestion.

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