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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to say no to this request from a friend?

1001 replies

TidyDancer · 21/07/2013 10:16

An old friend is getting married in my home town next month. She has been talking about it non-stop since she got engaged last year and everyone's very happy for her. She sent out save the date cards and all was good.

Invitation time came around, and nothing arrived. I wouldn't normally have asked but since she had sent the save the date, I assumed DP and I were invited.

Turns out nope, we're not, and neither is another of our close friends (also from our hometown). She didn't offer up any explanation for it, other than to confirm that we weren't invited. Fine, her prerogative to invite whoever she likes to her wedding. I was a bit put out, I'll admit, since we'd had the save the date card, but oh well. Our other excluded friend was very upset and had a chat with the bride. During this conversation, friend was informed that the bride sent out the save the date cards knowing she wouldn't invite everyone and seemed to be under the impression that the cards were for the purpose of telling people about the wedding before the guest list had been finished. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that's the case? About 20ish people are also not invited.

Fast forward to now, four weeks to the wedding, and the bride has emailed me. No mention at all of not being invited etc. However, she is now requesting my help with decorating the venue. Apparently most people are coming from out of town so she doesn't have much local help and doesn't think she will be able to find the time to do it herself. She also mentioned wanting to keep the decorations a surprise for the wedding guests so doesn't really want to ask for help from the few locals that are invited.

I'll accept not being invited, like I say it's up to her. We have been friends for a long time and it does hurt that I'm not invited but I'm not going to make a scene over it.

But AIBU to refuse her request for help? Does it look petty? My perspective maybe a bit skewed but I think she's being cheeky.

OP posts:
Shitsinger · 24/07/2013 21:53

A wedding- how nice !
have confetti-have rice !

you speculate !
I decorate !
Nofuckingchance! Grin

WafflyVersatile · 24/07/2013 21:56

Say,

Okay, I'll do it. We're old friend after all. I'll put it on my list.

Give it a week then tell her than unfortunately there simply isn't not enough time that week for you do everything on your list so this had to be bumped in favour of doing favours for your real friends.

Betternc4this · 24/07/2013 21:56

Must say I 'm with wheredidlputit She so deserves that.

fuzzpig · 24/07/2013 21:56

I do love a wedding where the decorations symbolise the personality of the bride.

Me too, but can you get WankBadger-shaped fairy lights?

Figureof80 · 24/07/2013 21:58

I one had a self-obsessed friend,
Whose antics I cannot defend,
She sent me an invite,
To slave for her big night,
While sneering, "You cannot attend."

Undertone · 24/07/2013 21:59

Sorry. The thing is, you are extremely rude, so I would prefer it if your hall looked revolting.

^PERFECT

IceNoSlice · 24/07/2013 22:01

Tidy this thread has amused me lots tonight. Thanks. However I must confess to having skipped a few pages in the middle (excepting OP updates). Now I find myself completely lost regarding Sylvanians. Will anyone take pity on me and explain the Sylvanian thing? Pleeeease? TIA

pigletmania · 24/07/2013 22:01

Please Tidy what are you going to do

coco87 · 24/07/2013 22:02

Did she have a hen do? If so, did she invite you?

Perhaps you should say something along the lines of if she doesn't consider you a good enough friend to invite to her wedding then presumably she is hiring you in a paid capacity as a professional to decorate for her.

She can't have it both ways. Either she considers you a close friend in which case you would most definitely be invited to her wedding and it would be reasonable for her to ask you to decorate or she doesn't consider you a close friend, in which case it is totally inappropriate for her to ask you to decorate her venue for free and waste your time away from your kids and your money doing so.

CorrieDale · 24/07/2013 22:02

I shall miss this thread once bridezilla eventually gets the message. I've had a rubbish day and f's reply has cheered me up no end!

bootsycollins · 24/07/2013 22:04

There's just sooooooo much to laugh at Grin

pictish · 24/07/2013 22:04

This is exactly what I predicted would happen.
You are going to have to be very careful here OP, because as far as she is concerned your retort will be the result of sour grapes over the lack of invite.
You ought to have coldly blown her off straight away, rather than have her think you're jealous and hurt, which she will now.

Sanjifair · 24/07/2013 22:08

Figureof80's poem says it all. Go with that!

coco87 · 24/07/2013 22:12

I vote for sending her a link to this thread.

daisychain01 · 24/07/2013 22:12

"We've known each other a long time, but it just goes to show that being an old friend doesn't count for a bean. Well, quite frankly my dear I don't givva damn.

It isn't so much that I didn't 'make the cut' onto your obviously burgeoning A List, heaven forbid! Ah no, not content with that little beauty, like a slap around the face, you decide to offer me an invitation of a different kind, one I really didn't see coming. Ah yes, why not invite me to Save the Date to use my free time and much sought-after artistic talent to decorate your wedding hall.

No don't tell me ... you need me to be gone around 30 mins before the guests arrive, right? Well you wouldn't want me cluttering up the place. Yeah, I get the picture.

Well, perhaps you'd like to get the picture too

[select your choice of ending here - maybe the 'fuck yourself with an oar' one, or wasn't there one about stamping on a turd? or stick a tube of bostik up yer hooter to go with the other 3 already up there]

Tidy

FrankelInFoal · 24/07/2013 22:12

Has the thread been nominated for Classics yet? If not, why not?!

quoteunquote · 24/07/2013 22:15

Just a thought if you don't want to show her this thread, any of the poems would make the thread show up, if put into a tax paying search engine.

please show her the thread,

because it might be a light bulb moment for her.

ThatVikRinA22 · 24/07/2013 22:16

my friend, you asked me to save the date
but due to the intervention of fate
it seems that my company is no longer required
your request of my doing your hall is inspired
but i really do feel that youre taking the piss
so your request i feel i will have to dismiss

along with your friendship
i do wish you well
but in case this aint clear
please do go to hell!

any good?

SecondRow · 24/07/2013 22:19

Hmmm, I'm thinking a rambling, chatty email starting out like "Ok well we must have been talking at cross purposes before, but, yes, actually, I certainly could do the decorating, if I reorganize a few things and get a babysitter and so on" [note the sneaky conditional!] Then a few questions about logistics, supplies, timing, so Bridezilla is lulled into a sense of relief that her problem is solved, her minions are getting to grips with the nitty-gritty of creating her perfect princess world for her special day... And then conclude with a barely noticeable tacked-on "but anyway, as I say, it would be no problem to organize all that but actually I'm not going to because I'm doing something else that day" - which with any luck she won't even read until much, much later...

BrokenBananaTantrum · 24/07/2013 22:20

I would rather shit in my hands and clap than come and help you out. You are the rudest person I have known.

Please fuck off to the far side of fuck and when you get there fuck off again

Yours

Tidy.

QueenStromba · 24/07/2013 22:21

Oh no! The thread is getting really full. I'm glad TidyDancer isn't the type of poster who will leave us hanging.

TidyDancer if you're still up can you start a part two so we don't miss any fantastic suggestions?

ThatVikRinA22 · 24/07/2013 22:22

or
im sure that your wedding is taking first billing
but lovely, i think that your short of a shilling
when not invited i'll not take the time
to sort out your food, and sort out your wine
so without wanting to sound too blunt
stick your request, your a bit of a cunt.

im sure i can come up with more......

emilialuxembourg · 24/07/2013 22:23

Undertone- that's perfect. OP you must use it.

Scarletohello · 24/07/2013 22:24

Is there any reason why you can't just have an honest conversation with her instead of all this bitchy passive aggressive bulshit? How good a friend is/ was she? Do you actually want to still be friends with her...?

MojitoMagnet · 24/07/2013 22:24

What pictish said - I think you need to be really careful to send a clear non-poetry non-emotive reply which makes it clear that this isn't just sour-grapes-of-not-being-invited.

I'd go with the suggestion of BalloonSlayer at 21:02:28 - it needs to be spelled out very clearly and simply as she seems to be too dense and up-herself to actually empathise with anyone elses emotions or feelings.

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