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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a little bit pleased about what has happened to the OW?

224 replies

drfayray · 06/07/2013 14:58

My ex left me after 24 years for this woman who got him interested in kayaking. He spent a fortune on gear and cheated on me for nearly a year on this Kayaking Kunt (KK) as she was known to me. Grin

I am now divorced and trying to live as good a life as I can with my 2 DC.

I have just found out that the KK has extensive nerve damage to both her arms and hands... Caused by kayaking...

Karma is REAL!

OP posts:
Jan49 · 06/07/2013 22:38

When my ex left me for OW, a few friends were shocked when I said negative things about my ex. They said I was a nice person and it wasn't at all like me. Presumably I should have just said how sad I felt and said nothing at all negative about my ex and the harm he'd done me and our ds.Confused That's very much like the attitude expressed by some people on this thread. It baffles me. Do nice people keep talking nicely about people who have behaved badly to them? I don't.

Being secretly glad that someone is suffering does no actual harm. Having an affair which breaks up a family, whether you are the person in the family or the outsider, does a lifetime of harm.

Cravey · 06/07/2013 22:38

Feegle no upset at all, we may well become in total agreement on another thread. Who knows ?

Cravey · 06/07/2013 22:40

But jan we pretty much all agreed op was in the right apart from gloating over the fact that someone ie the ex husband partner is very ill.

needaholidaynow · 06/07/2013 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bakingnovice · 06/07/2013 22:54

Nasty nasty post. Yabvvu.

It would be slightly more palatable if it was your dh who had suffered nerve damage.

Jan49 · 06/07/2013 23:07

Bakingnovice, saying (as some people have done here) that the single woman who has an affair with a MM has done nothing wrong because it's not her marriage, is nasty, far far nastier than being glad about the suffering of someone who has caused you great suffering.

MorrisZapp · 06/07/2013 23:10

Do elaborate, Jan? Why does the OW carry the blame?

Cravey · 06/07/2013 23:10

So saying someone is not party to a marriage break up as they are not part of the marriage is worse than gloating over someone's disability ? It wasn't the woman's marriage to break up.myes she played a part but why gloat over an illness. That's slightly skewed thinking there.

OhDearNigel · 06/07/2013 23:17

There isn't enough judgement about the shitty things that people do to each other in the name of "love"

I'm with AF.
I didn't get the impression that OP was throwing "nerve damage parties" and letting off balloons in celebration. Just that she had enjoyed a wry smile that the activity that caused her suffering has now caused suffering to the person that helped cause it.
If I were you, OP, I also would have thought "ha fucking ha"

londone17 · 06/07/2013 23:28

So do I.

morethanpotatoprints · 06/07/2013 23:59

Of course the ow carries the blame.
She knew he was married and should have walked away.
Ok, he may have strayed with another ow, but that is immaterial when there was a specific ow who didn't walk away.
I have never experienced this but I know for sure I'd react the same as the OP, so leave her alone.
This could be a good way of her leaving some hurt behind and there is no evidence she intends to carry on gloating, and certainly no indication she is involving her dc in this.

MorrisZapp · 07/07/2013 00:03

Sounds like you're blaming women for male sexual behaviour. We know nothing here. Who knows that the cheating DH told the OW?

Nobody expects the OW to be welcomed with open arms, of course OP is going to be bitter and pissed off. But this is just unpleasant.

Buddhagirl · 07/07/2013 00:09

I think your bitter and thats sad.

Jan49 · 07/07/2013 00:10

MorrisZapp, some people said that the OW/OM was blameless because they hadn't made and broken any vows by having an affair with the MM/MW, unlike the MM/MW who has probably agreed to be faithful to their spouse. I think having a relationship with someone that you know is married is disgusting behaviour and you are to blame for your behaviour. No, they are not solely to blame for the marriage breakup. Both parties to the affair are to blame for the affair.

Cravey, saying a single person who has an affair is not party to the marriage break up as they are not part of the marriage suggests that none of us have any responsibility for our behaviour towards others unless we have made promises to them. Gloating over the illness of a person who has done you great harm sounds fine to me.

My ex has said nasty things about me to me and to our ds, so I'm sure he wouldn't hesitate to say negative things about me to others. I bet not one person has said to him "you shouldn't say negative things about your ex-wife" but friends have told me I'm a nice person and therefore shouldn't say negative things about him. Hmm

redacted · 07/07/2013 00:15

'Karma' is such a pile of poo.

If karma is real, what did you do to deserve your husband walking out on you?

9/10 of us on this thread are probably going to die horrible drawn-out deaths from cancer/dementia/other horrible old-age illness. Statistically about 3 of us will die in car crashes. I guess a couple of us might get murdered. Life is shit and it happens to people.

It's probably natural to feel as you do but tbh worse than what's happened to her is probably coming to you and all of us at some point in our lives so there's no need to be smug.

Kayaking is quite dangerous though, I'm glad that point has been made.

lunar1 · 07/07/2013 00:27

Don't think I could muster up any sympathy for a cheating ex or ow, and if I was in your position would probably have a quiet smile to myself.

ChippingInGoAndyGo · 07/07/2013 00:29

I'd have thought 'Well, that serves you right! No sympathy here. I hope he leaves you for a fitter model now' but I wouldn't have gloated about it to anyone, let alone like this.

It's definitely a shame it wasn't your Ex as well.

blueshoes · 07/07/2013 00:30

I'm with you, OP

BlueSkySunnyDay · 07/07/2013 00:44

I think feeling like that is only natural, unless you spend all day wishing misfortune on her in which case that would be unhinged.

I don't get the way on mumsnet we are only meant to blame the partner - affairs take two people and there are very few people who would be buying the OW a birthday card any time soon. Yes there are women who get duped into a one off relationship with married man but I have also known women who only went out with married men and one who got husbands to leave wives time and time again...then a few months later dumped them. I'm sorry I don't feel that women who can start a relationship with a man already committed to someone else with no empathy or care for the hurt and disruption this will cause, needs my sympathy. I would drive myself crazy with guilt if I ever did that to someone.

I had a crafty snigger when my ex left his wife for a woman old enough to be his mum, at that point I hadn't thought about him for years but it still made me go "now you know how it feels"

zoraqueenofzeep · 07/07/2013 02:03

yanbu, I love when bad things happen to people who wrong me, I reserve my compassion and kindness for nice people, I wouldn't call an ambulance for someone who participated in harming me if they were dying before my eyes, I'd watch. Why shouldn't you feel good? She's got nothing but bad will toward you, you'd be a fool to feel anything else.

In saying that, there's no such thing as karma, if there were there wouldn't be evil people enjoying comfortable lives while innocent babies starve to death, young children sold into sex slavery, war etc.... Bad things happen to the vulnerable.

cheerfulweather · 07/07/2013 02:16

I'm sure you're not celebrating with champagne and dancing around I had a similar situation last year. It wasn't my husband, but a woman who had been dreadfully unkind to me in the past, and I just found out that she'd had some very bad luck, coupled with the ending of her marriage. For a second I had this involuntary wave of, what I can only describe as, feeling pleased. Though I felt slightly guilty afterwards, but honestly this was my initial reaction. Waffly way to say yanbu.

Your husband was the main culprit, of course. But she can't have been a very pleasant and moral person to get involved.

I don't believe in karma by the way.

differentnameforthis · 07/07/2013 02:30

I know they did something pretty horrible, but I wouldn't wish a lifetime of discomfort on them.

I thought you were going to say he knocked her up & left her... not be happy that she is discomfort for the rest of her life.

NoComet · 07/07/2013 02:36

YANBU
I got the great pleasure of seeing someone who upset me very badly, fuck up something the other day and get a real dressing down from the boss.

I giggled all the way home.

rowtunda · 07/07/2013 06:52

Yanbu (& its not just theDH fault it def takes two to tango) but for your own sanity you have to let it go.

My dad had an affair over 30years ago and my mum still hates the OW - it has made her a very bitter person.

CajunCooking · 07/07/2013 07:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.