to ask your opinion before discussing with dh

[glam71]

Dh has a responsible job with a long commute meaning he is out of the for approx 13 hours per day. As a result he is not exactly hands on during the week. So historically I have done all the night wakings etc for our twins aged 8 as I sahm.

However, we now have a 7 month old who still wakes in the night. Obviously I am still happy to deal with dd in the night as breast feeding.
However, last night dt1 was sick. I found myself dealing with baby, sick child and all the cleaning.
Now I know I probably should have woken dh up. However, I suspect if I did he would get cross about being disturbed.
So now I am tempted to ask him if he was woken up by goings on last night. If the answer is yes should I challenge him about not helping.
Aibu to think that if he heard he should help. How does it work in your home?

You don't mention if you also work out of the home, if so, I think regardless of commute, night wakings should, where possible (breastfeeding aside!) be shared.

In our home, as I'm currently a SAHM I have done all night wakings as it is possible for me to take it easier the next day as I generally don't have to be anywhere for a specific time like DP has to be at work for 8.
BUT since having DC2, my DP has helped when both children have been awake at the same time and I've not been able to deal with DC1 because I'm breastfeeding the baby.

So, in your situation I would say that as a one off, it wouldn't have killed your DH to get up and help you. In future you should let him know that you'll be waking him up if a similar situation occurs!

Oh I see you are a SAHM, sorry! But yes, he should still have helped.

I bf so did all the night wakings for our 2 ds. Even whenI was on maternity leave if I was up with one and the other one woke up I would get dh to help with the one who wasn't on a boob. Now they are big 8&9, we both work ft, if there was a sick everywhere incident I would get dh up to help if a child was distressed and the sick was soaking into bed clothes. If it wasn't too bad I would handle it myself, purely because the boys want me if they aren't well and not dh.

I work weekends, DP works during the week, we both get up to attend sick children etc regardless of who is working in the morning.

I understand as DH does 14hour+ days and although I'm not a sahm I do often work from home so feel unfair to wake him.

I think yes, if he heard you last night he should have helped simply because he's also their father and while he works hard it doesn't mean he gets to totally avoid the bad nights. Plus 2 is better than 1 in terms of sorting out such things and getting back to bed.

Can you compromise and make sure he pulls his weight at the weekends?

OP, I'm currently a SAHM with two dd's aged 1 and 4yo. My DH works full time; a short commute but he is out for 11 hrs per day.

He always helps me out with our girls at night.

At the risk of sounding like a gushing schoolgirl, he is absolutely golden: he appreciates that being a SAHM is very demanding and that I work just as hard as he does. If one (or both) of our girls are sick, one will usually tend to the poorly child whilst the other sorts out the cleaning. I imagine its more of a juggling act with 3 DCs, so even more reason to work together.

I think that mine and my DHs arrangements re childcare are more unusual. However, if I were you I would need your DH to step up and help me out.

YANBU.

Both DP and I worked even when the kids were babies. We took it in turns to do the night duties (bottle fed). There didn't seem any point in both of us being awake and sleep deprived at work the next day.

In your case, you can take it easy the next day when the 8 year olds are at school and the baby is asleep. However, if it was the weekend and I was you then I would expect DH to wake up and help.

just say "you obviously didn't wake up last night when DT1 was being sick everywhere, but with the baby, I actually can't manage it on my own, so next time, I will wake you up so you can help"

if you say this to the father of your 3 small children and he "gets cross" or says ANYTHING other than "oh my god, I am so sorry, of course I will help", then he is a selfish pig

HTH

I'm a SAHM and do all the night awakens except when DD had the noro virus. Then DH and I took it in turns to sit with her, comfort her, clean her, clean the bedding etc. That way we both got a bit of sleep, DD wasn't left alone frightened and I was more able to cope with the ground hog day ahead.

You're meant to be a team.

I sort of know how you feel. Don't get me wrong my DH helps out a huge amount and mostly does his fair share with DS2. But about 2 nights ago I went to bed around 11 while he didn't feel ready enough for bed. DS2 woke up about 12 and DH was still up yet it was I who had to get out of bed and see to him. DH's excuse was that he had a pair of headphones on and was listening to music so couldn't hear.

I do most of the night waking stuff though when he's asleep because he's dead to the world anyway. I don't think an earthquake would wake him.

He should have helped but to be honest if he's used to ignoring kerfuffles in the night in his sleep then YABU to expect him to realise what's going on without you telling him.
If you're doing normal night waking/feeding and a second child wakes up you need to tell him he's required this time.

I'm a SAHM and do all the normal night wakings for our DD as I breastfed and DP has to start work at 7. But if our DD is sick, DP will get up. One of us will clean up the sick ad the other will deal with DD.

DC2 is due in a few weeks and it's already been decided that if both DC are awake, both DP and I will have to get up. It's only fair as I need sleep too.

You should have woken your DP up. They are his children too. And its not like you're expecting him to get up every night. if he was awake, he was being very selfish in my opinion.

Of course I don't know if he was awake but bearing in mind the amount he used to moan about baby dd waking him I suspect he was.
Dt1 is home with me but fortunately well and baby having a nap.
No real chance to rest though aschave visitors tomorrow.
Thank you for your responses.

I think that's a bit of a passive aggressive way to approach it. If you raised it with me like the I'd be annoyed that you'd asked me an innocent sounding question in order to make me give you an answer you'll then about at me for

I think there are more direct ways of dealing with it. The easiest approach (and the one I normally go for) is to expect his help at the time and give him options about what to do like you would for a toddler. So I'd have woken him up, said DT1 has been sick and the baby is howling. Do you want to clean DT1's room while singing to the baby in his bouncy chair, or do you want to help DT get changed/have a shower/offer comfort? Then he can choose how he helps. If you're really sneaky, you can group the jobs so he chooses the set you don't want to do

The more difficult, but probably more mature way to approach it is to try and find out why he doesn't feel he needs to help an then tackle it. This is much harder because he'll probably never openly shirk the work unless he's cometely unreasonable, in which case tell us more. In this case, he'd probably just deny hearing anything and say you should have asked for help at the time.

I hope DT1 feels better this morning :)

Is driving a significant part of his commute, does he work with dangerous machinery, could tiredness when doing his job put someone else at risk?

If lack of sleep could cause him to kill himself or someone else, it's not a good option.

Even if it could cause him to make a mistake that causes him to lose his job, it's not that attractive.

I suppose most people have jobs where impaired performance is unlikely to be noticed or matter much, but on the other hand many people commute by car and it isn't acceptable to make those journeys if you haven't slept properly. The problem is you don't realise there's going to be a problem until you start nodding off, if at all. Being tired is like being drunk: not only are you incompetent to drive, your ability to decide you should stop doing so immediately is impaired.

LondonMan to a certain extent I agree. However, childcare is a job where being so tired you make mistakes isn't good. The idea that one night's missed sleep is so awful for a working man and two years missed sleep is perfectly fine for a SAHW is one that our culture seems to have accepted.

My DH used to help out when DD was rotten or sick or I couldn't cope. He appears to be able to keep his job where he handles multi-million dollar contracts. I also coped with little sleep working with vulnerable people, some of whom were really challenging and violent. I found that easier than SAH with little sleep.

My dh has always helped - I expect him to tbh and he has never questioned it! Why should he have all the sleep every single night? I have to drive the dc the next day, so it can be argued that I need the sleep just as much. Our youngest dc is nearly 2 now, so the worst is over with, but he often hears them first if they wake and deals with the issue without me even knowing!

I don't think you've helped yourself by doing absolutely everything up to this point - he probably doesn't expect anything to change. I would def tackle it as yanbu at all.

I think he should have helped, I woke DH the other week because I simply could not clean up another lot of sick. Baring in mind this sickness episode had gone on every other night for three weeks. I'm a SAHM but sometimes we all need a little help.

london man stay at home patents do tend to drive too, you know. Usually with the precious dc in the car.

OP. your husband has a responsible job at home with you and your little one. Did he expect your child to grow up without having ever gone to work feeling like death warmed up?

How many hours do you do in a day do you think? It's likely to be comparable with his (and some) yet you will have had to go through the day having had minimal sleep.

I think you are well within your rights to discuss this and personally I am wondering why sleep is more important than hearing your own child being sick.

God being at home with a child is far more tiring than going out to work all day especially when they are sick. My husband who is out of the house for his commute at 5.15 each morning would agree with me too.

I would have woken him and asked if he wanted the sick kid or the baby.

Sorry, I'm going to go against the grain with this and I don't think you should wake him up. He's working very long hours and must be getting very little sleep. My husband works similar hours and when I was on mat leave I did all the night time feeds in the week. It really can cause problems with work and performance etc if you're going in after a poor nights sleep, and tough as being a SAHM is you don't have a boss breathing down your neck if you come in and aren't really fit to deal with anything much more complex than the tea round. Presumably you will have chance to catch up with sleep the next day too?

Can he not take Friday nights as his night and let you have a lie in on Saturday or something?

I think there is a balance.

Oh - and I am going to be going back to work FT while DH will be the SAHD.

I totally expect to get up in the night for out of the ordinary nights (sickness/other stuff), but if it is just a not settling issue then I would expect DH to deal. I'm out of the house for 12-14 hours a day from 7, and can't lie in for a bit longer or have a nap in the afternoon. He can.

I am not in anyway saying that a SAHM or SAHD is a lesser job - it's jsut a little more flexible with timings.

I'm sahm. Dh commutes an hour, just over. I do all night feeds as bf. if dd1 wakes around a bf and its small ie just cuddle type I handle.

If she's ill in any way dh wakes too. I would have got him up for what you describe. She knows for starters he will stay there with her. Me, I'm not daft and leave as soon as can.