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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask your opinion before discussing with dh

229 replies

glam71 · 07/06/2013 09:42

Dh has a responsible job with a long commute meaning he is out of the for approx 13 hours per day. As a result he is not exactly hands on during the week. So historically I have done all the night wakings etc for our twins aged 8 as I sahm.

However, we now have a 7 month old who still wakes in the night. Obviously I am still happy to deal with dd in the night as breast feeding.
However, last night dt1 was sick. I found myself dealing with baby, sick child and all the cleaning.
Now I know I probably should have woken dh up. However, I suspect if I did he would get cross about being disturbed.
So now I am tempted to ask him if he was woken up by goings on last night. If the answer is yes should I challenge him about not helping.
Aibu to think that if he heard he should help. How does it work in your home?

OP posts:
mrsjay · 07/06/2013 18:30

OP is feeling the pressure and her DP seems a bit unapproachable and very demanding.
I suspect that if she did work he would be much the same in his views.

this

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 07/06/2013 18:32

OP

Sorry for slight derailment

I would say that, given the respect you are affording his life circumstances and the allowances you aremaking for them, he should do the same and at least liten to what to would like.

trackies · 07/06/2013 18:33

Human error can happen even when you haven't been up during the night with a baby. People without kids make mistakes all the time. Infact, i made a few before i had kids, i made one very minor one afterwards.

trackies · 07/06/2013 18:34

OP is feeling the pressure and her DP seems a bit unapproachable and very demanding.
I suspect that if she did work he would be much the same in his views yep i agree with this too, speaking from experience.

scottishmummy · 07/06/2013 18:34

what if she crash car is a what if. her dh is in responsible job As op has said
the consequences of housewife having bad day aren't same as worker bad day

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 07/06/2013 18:36

Sm

What if what if

Admit it. Your bat phone goes off at the mention of the word SAHM and you come on to spout your dogma

OP

Good luck

trackies · 07/06/2013 18:37

well if DH or I had a bad day at work, it usually results in having to fix something and maybe a smack on the wrist from our boss. If i have a car accident with kids in the car we could be seriously hurt. Infact, i have had accident due to tierdness but we weren't hurt, but i would rather have a bad overtierd day at work (having had loads of them), than repeat car accident with DD in the car.

piprabbit · 07/06/2013 18:38

I've been in the OPs situation a couple of times and in the exceptional circumstances of having a grumpy baby plus a poorly child, I have woken DH and asked him to lend a hand. Usually it involves no more than keeping an eye on the least sicky child, while I rush round bathing vomity child, changing the bedding, putting on the laundry etc. etc.

It means the whole process is dealt with as quickly as possible and we all get to go back to sleep.

In the event of repeated vomiting, DH got to co-sleep the baby and I went on vomit duty.

He doesn't like, but then again I'm not having a whale of a time either and he realises that it's a case of "all hands to the pumps" until everything is settled. Anything less would be a huge dereliction of his family responsibilities.

trackies · 07/06/2013 18:38

Admit it. Your bat phone goes off at the mention of the word SAHM and you come on to spout your dogma

LMAO

trackies · 07/06/2013 18:40

SM,
seriously, before i had kids, i used to think being an SAHM was really easy, and all they used to do was go to coffee mornings, go shopping and doss alot, and then I had to become one and now i realise how bloomin wrong i was ! KARMA Smile

EyeoftheStorm · 07/06/2013 18:41

Glam we have the same life - I've always done the feeding and night-waking for 3 DCS. No problem - I work hard at home, DH works hard at work (long hours like your DH).

In the situation you described I would have woken DH up and expected him to help. If he had been cross or reluctant (and he wouldn't have been), I would have read him the riot act.

You are not the one being unfair, he is.

scottishmummy · 07/06/2013 18:42

this it's just pure hyperbole and what if,scrabbling to prove a point
the fact is his responsible job has more impact than housewife bad day with wean
but knock self out.what if she so tired she chop off finger/runs down lollipop lady..what if

Mandy21 · 07/06/2013 18:44

I haven't read all of the replies, but I think it has to be shared. We also have twins and a DC3 - twins were 4 when DC3 arrived. He shared all of the night time wakings with the twins (I'd be BFing, he'd change nappies and settle etc) and he did a night feed right from the start with DC3. If one of the children was ill, we'd both be up anyway.

Does he have selective hearing Wink? I know my H and I have both been prone to this occasionally - when you're just exhausted and want the other one to get out of bed even though you can hear the child cry / wimper?

UPshot is that he should have got up.

PareyMortas · 07/06/2013 18:46

Why does the SAHP have to be on duty 24 hrs and the working parent doesn't?

scottishmummy · 07/06/2013 18:48

I wouldn't expect 24h response.i would expect on work night the nonworker get up
definitely share weekends,holidays,non work time

barnet · 07/06/2013 18:49

If the next day is a working day :
If you could manage dealing with both kids, (which you could) you should do it. Being at home on a friday with a sick child and a baby does allow for a few minutes rest time here and there. You don't have to be functioning at a high level for 13 hrs.
You do not have to drive early in the morning, you can plan things to avoid rush hour if you do have to drive somewhere. At work (in most jobs anyway) you can't walk around like death warmed up, you have to communicate with people and be professional, etc.

If the next day was a weekend then I think the working partner could help out as both partners would be able to get a bit of rest.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 07/06/2013 18:50

Ok

What if, she is so worn down by lack of sleep and feelings of helplessness about the fact that she can't even ask her husband to parent in an unusual circumstance likke the OP, that she gets depressed?

Happens to loads of women. Still, send them off to the GP for antidepressents eh?

VerySmallSqueak · 07/06/2013 18:53

If I have a night where I am unable to sleep,perhaps because I have a bit of a cold or something on my mind,I still go to work the next day and function.

This is a one off situation.

We can all manage the odd night of bad sleep.

It's night after night after night that really wears you down.

OP is taking that particular burden off DP's hands which should leave him with the ability to get off his arse once in a while and help.

scottishmummy · 07/06/2013 18:53

more hyperbole and what if to desperately substantiate poor point

LondonJax · 07/06/2013 18:55

Well, I'm a very bad SAHP. DH had to get up at 4am earlier this week. When I went in to check on DS before I went to bed I found he had had diarrhoea in his sleep. He literally had poo all over the sheets, his legs, his arms and down the side of his face Shock. He'd managed to sleep through it. It was 10.30pm. So I was faced with a sleeping, poo covered six year old, a sheet,duvet cover and bed protector covered in shit plus the bottom half of his pyjamas full of it. So I woke DH up. He showered DS while I cleared and changed the bed. Then he went back to bed whilst I got DS back to bed, rinsed off the shitty bed clothes, put them in the washing machine ready to be hung out the next day. If he hadn't helped DS would have been up for an hour. As it was he and DS were back in bed in twenty minutes. It took me another half an hour to clean the sheets and get them in the wash.

DS was off school the next two days, perfectly well but had to stay off with the 48 Hour rule. I certainly didn't 'doss' nor catch up on sleep as I can't leave a lively kid to fend for themselves. Yes, ironing and cleaning took a back seat - I'm still catching up. And I had to change an appointment for my mum who I'm carer for. DH though, who did have to drive to the station, caught up on his sleep during the hour's train journey to work.

And, yes, I did apologise to him when he got home that night for waking him. His reply 'I'm his dad. I'm annoyed that you even stopped to think about it. His needing me or you needing me is more important than 20 minutes or so less sleep'.

I spoke to DH about this thread. His view? If the working parent could cope with a late night because they went out for a drink with mates after work, for example, they can cope with being woken for their child.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 07/06/2013 18:57

Ok

barnet · 07/06/2013 18:57

littlepeas its not a male/female issue, its who is working outside the home the next day/ who is not -issue.

Both of us work FT, if i knew I was going to be the one staying at home the next day to be with sick child and baby, then I would do the night waking.

And vice versa if dh was.

VerySmallSqueak · 07/06/2013 19:00

When I went upstairs to find one DD had done explosive diarrhoea and the other had been sick in her sleep,my DH was the same as yours London although I was on maternity leave so obviously dossing all day Wink.

It would have been unfair to all involved to do it differently with two parents available.

I gave him the choice of poo or sick though so I did make some allowances. Grin

LondonJax · 07/06/2013 19:05

Verysmallsqueak Grin

littlepeas · 07/06/2013 19:07

Well my dh has the dossiest job going as far as I can see, so I don't feel too sorry for him! Lunches and coffees with his mates colleagues and agents who treat him like royalty because they want his business, the most ridiculously jolly jollies, chats on the phone for half an hour with 3 minutes of business at the end and naps on the train to London! He does have fairly significant responsibility, but he is probably only working properly 50% of the time, the rest is fun networking. He is in London today at some snooty restaurant on a 'deal celeration' - he is wearing his chinos anyway, which means absolutely no work whatsoever.

So I guess you have to evaluate it based on your own situation to an extent, although I absolutely stand by the point that the working parent should take some responsibility for night times during the working week, especially if there is a lot of wakings.