to ask your opinion before discussing with dh

[glam71]

Dh has a responsible job with a long commute meaning he is out of the for approx 13 hours per day. As a result he is not exactly hands on during the week. So historically I have done all the night wakings etc for our twins aged 8 as I sahm.

However, we now have a 7 month old who still wakes in the night. Obviously I am still happy to deal with dd in the night as breast feeding.
However, last night dt1 was sick. I found myself dealing with baby, sick child and all the cleaning.
Now I know I probably should have woken dh up. However, I suspect if I did he would get cross about being disturbed.
So now I am tempted to ask him if he was woken up by goings on last night. If the answer is yes should I challenge him about not helping.
Aibu to think that if he heard he should help. How does it work in your home?

You must acknowledge scottishmummy that there are many situations where one parent earns more than the other,and the other parents wage can be the minimum wage or little more.
If there's more than one child involved the sums for childcare simply don't add up.

Or maybe one is at home for health reasons.

It is way too sweeping to suggest that there has been an actual agreement of traditional roles.

To be honest I think the whole thing about whether a SAHP should wake a WOTHP - working outside the home parent - if there is an emergency like kids throwing up is irrelevant. Surely if both parents are WOTHP one of them would take the next day off if their child has thrown up...you know, the 48 hour no contact with other kids outside the home rule that childminders, nurseries, schools etc have? or does that rule just apply if it's convenient?

So, whoever doesn't have the 'must do' at work the next day gets up, does it all and 'dosses' the following day - just like a SAHP (supposedly). Problem solved. Only one parent is needed when a kid throws up, develops chicken pox whatever, whether you're stay at home or working because one parent would have to be at home the following day and could catch up on sleep then - by the SAHP can do the lot logic. Or both parents get up because they appreciate that, whilst one parent may be able to tweak their day, both of them will have a hard day the next day. Nursing a kid who's throwing up is not easy, not fun - working outside the home or not.

OP your DH should have been up to help you when your child was sick and he needs to give you Friday and Saturday nights off at the very least from the feeding, bathing, getting up routine. If my grandad could do it 100 years ago, your DH can do it now.

It also wouldn't have hurt him to suggest he brings home a takeaway when your child was sick. That's what my DH did earlier this week when DS was home and I appreciated it more than you could know.

Quite simply DH helps because they are his children too
SAH/WOH is totally irelavent

Here here Startail.

we all make decisions that suit preference and circumstance eg social/financial
and yes man work,woman housewife is traditional set up.man as earner,women at home
the obvious tasks are women home with kids,domestic stuff.man work earn wage,maintain finances

her op is up in morning to do responsible job. op isn't
so she hold get up

Why so black and white though,scottishmummy ?

What is the purpose of such rigidity?

Is it so the handmaiden knows her place,and there is no role confusion?

But you did say, SM, that if both parents work, they should both get up. Now if that was for general day go day, I don't agree but I can see your point. BUT, if you are talking about the other issue of the OP's child throwing up, then I can't see why both parents who work have to get up . By your logic, one of them will be a SAHP the next day because the child won't be able to go to school, nursery or childminders because they've been sick. so the parent who is staying off work to be nurse the next day can do the lot. Surely.

I've either been a SAHM or worked part time since the DC were born. I don't work now because I am unable to due to health reasons. DH fixes aeroplanes, at the moment he is in charge of a team of men fixing fast jets. He gets up at 5:15, has an hour commute and gets home around 6:30pm.

In the OP's situation I wouldn't have even had to have asked DH to get up, he would have flown out of bed as soon as he heard the eldest one being sick. He has never shunned the night wakings, I did the feeds when they were small but he walked the floor with them, settled them and attended to them when they were ill.

Our two are 16&18 now, DS2 recently broke his shoulder in 3 places, dislocated it, and did a lot of soft tissue damage. He had trouble sleeping and needed help in the night with pain killers, and getting comfy. DH and I took it in turns! In our view we are the parents, they are our kids, not mine so we both do it!

Otherwise, if working parents both get up if a child is sick,then both parents get up if one is a SAHP.

Sorry lands of...cross posted!

SM do you have a problem with women who are at home with kids do you see them as some sort unequal person, do you think they should slot into the housewife role I really dont get it TBH a sahp doesn't need to fit into any sort of defined slot. It baffles me in 2013 people define women who stay at home as housewives and should do all child care just because their man earns money . do you think women should be grateful as well as doing all the physical and l emotional childcare duties

Thank you for all the replies. Should have known mentioning the sahm acronyms would prompt some strong reactions.
To get this straight sahm now as 3 dc make it uneconomical to work right now. However I did work part time for a time with twins. Even than I still did bullk of chores etc.

so historically it's ongoing bone of contention
you do need to Be clear to your dh that weekend,hol,evenings he pulls weight
and he give you some uninterrupted time to yourself.and you stop washing up every cup after him

ou do need to Be clear to your dh that weekend,hol,evenings he pulls weight
and he give you some uninterrupted time to yourself.and you stop washing up every cup after him

that nobody gets very far with just moaning about something OP you need to do something about it

SM - with you on that one.

well that went well cut and paste my post
not

glam71 I think the bulk of replies here support that, at the very least , your DH should play his part as a parent when something out of the ordinary happens.

and don't skivvy about washing up his cus

I think I agree with scottishmummy on that one.

He's obviously become way too accustomed at your providing for his needs,and as I said before I suspect that even if you did work full time he would still expect you to continue doing the bulk of the work within the home.

I would gradually try to shift a few tasks over into his domain now tbh.

Otherwise,once all the DC's are at school,and it possibly becomes viable for you to take on some paid employment again,he will have become way too complacent with your 'role'.

Remember that if you are always the one attending to the childrens needs whether day or night they will eventually stop going to your DH to ask for anything and always come to you.
He needs to take on some childcare responsibilities now before that happens.

Well that is obviously your opinion SM and imo you are wrong.

DH works. I stay at home. I do as much as I want/can while he is at work. When Dh comes in he is Daddy and gets on with whatever needs doing. Sometimes I watch tv while he does stuff. They are HIS kids too. This is HIS house too. If I didn't stay at home he couldn't be out at work earning the money. Just as if he didn't do that I couldn't stay at home. He sees what I do just as important as what he does. Probably because he is a grown up and a decent one at that.

DH needs his concentration at work, so I find it fair that I deal with routine DC disturbences. (Currently BFing DS2, but wouldn't expect him to bottle feed in the night routinely anyway). If we're having a rough night, I will wake him to deal with it- it's not often that I need to do that. He's pretty accomplished at ignoring/ sleeping through most night time activity, but the chances are if it's that bad a night, he'll be disturbed anyway.

Generally he's fairly self sufficient. I tend to be the source of mess, but it's my role to see to routine maintainence. He does most DIY now, DCs are of an age where it's hard to do it all together as we once did. He looks after his personal care like laundry. I usually cook- a habit from working days anyway as my working day is earlier than his so that was more practical. If I am too shattered to cook, he will be directed to something easy that can be done in 20 mins.

Bedtime is done jointly which makes it a sociable family time rather than a chore. Our roles are broadly traditional, but we have flexibility and support eachother. Sometimes we do need to be direct and say what we need of the other.

MissStrawberry very good point. I've said that to DH about if i was not at home, and going to work (as i intned to once DC2 is better), then he would be having a much harder time, for example, he will have to getup, get himself ready, get them ready and breakfast and get both of them to school, as i will be going to work very early to ensure that i can pick them up early from childminder. It's teamwork. By all means i understand that most of the time i wake up, but two DC's up and we both get up. Very rare for that to happen now.
I did not assume 'traditional housewife role'. I gave up very well paid career to look after sick child. Dh agreed this was the best for now.

I do think 'traditional housewives' had more support in previous generations whereby extended family lived closer and where able to provide support. Women didn't go to work so older generations would help out with all the chores and looking after kids. Now, we are geographically scattered all over the place.

If I were to give up work to look after the dc that's what I'd do which would of course involve majority of childcare and household chores as I went along.
However if my chikdren or I were ill or a situation arose that required more input then I'd absolutely expect my partner to assist me regardless I'd whether he had work the next day.
If I cooked for, cleaned up after or provided clean clothes for my ADULT partner then it would be out if love and a desire to help him out and not because he was working as those tasks would have been performed by him whilst working, well before he met me.
Ridiculous to assume that a woman should wait in a man just because he's working.

yes,is ridiculous say woman should wait on a man who works.
but seeing no one said it, it's moot point