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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask your opinion before discussing with dh

229 replies

glam71 · 07/06/2013 09:42

Dh has a responsible job with a long commute meaning he is out of the for approx 13 hours per day. As a result he is not exactly hands on during the week. So historically I have done all the night wakings etc for our twins aged 8 as I sahm.

However, we now have a 7 month old who still wakes in the night. Obviously I am still happy to deal with dd in the night as breast feeding.
However, last night dt1 was sick. I found myself dealing with baby, sick child and all the cleaning.
Now I know I probably should have woken dh up. However, I suspect if I did he would get cross about being disturbed.
So now I am tempted to ask him if he was woken up by goings on last night. If the answer is yes should I challenge him about not helping.
Aibu to think that if he heard he should help. How does it work in your home?

OP posts:

daytoday · 07/06/2013 19:11

I think that when your family grows and changes you have to discuss how to adapt and change your parental roles too. This will constantly change.

You have a new baby so what you used to do - doesn't work anymore. My husband works full time and he would absolutely get up to help, if needed. If needed is the key word.

Also, having young kids and juggling night wakings doesn't last forever but the resentments caused by not sharing the burdens of this lasts a lot longer.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 07/06/2013 19:14

I am a SAHM, (well actually a student at the moment, but off for 4 months!) and my DH does ALL the night care, and works full time. My medication has a sedative effect and I simply cannot function safely at night. I did the first few months for each baby (3 DC's) but then he took over as I went back on meds. I feel terribly guilty as all three are bad sleepers and he is often knackard, but bless him, he has done it for 5 years without a grumble.

There is no reason why the working parent can't at least sometimes take one for the team.

scottishmummy · 07/06/2013 19:14

if one enacts the traditional model of housewife expect to do the associated tasks
such as get up in night

littlepeas · 07/06/2013 19:24

scottish mummy - further up thread you sneered at the idea that being a sahp could be considered a job, now you are providing us with a job description! Which is it please?

Besides, I don't consider myself a housewife, I consider myself part of a 2 person team who have decided to have 3dc together, decided that one of us will give up a promising career to be at home with them together and take on all the associated tasks of parenthood together. We do not have specific roles with job descriptions with regards to the dc and house, we just both muck in and do what's needed. That includes night wakings in case that wasn't clear from my previous posts.

LondonJax · 07/06/2013 19:25

OK Scottishmummy. Point taken. Though you'll have to have a word with DH. He used to do the night feeds every other night when DS was a baby. His choice, I never asked him once to do it. You'd also have to have a chat with my grandad. Who was father of 12. He did a lot of night time feeds apparently - he knew my gran had a hard job with feeding, washing clothes and cleaning without a washing machine or other 'essentials'. They were married in 1910 so I'm not sure when the 'traditional' housewife doing the lot actually started but he wasn't seen as odd by his workmates according to my mum and uncle.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 07/06/2013 19:29

Surely a large part of it is how much sleep you can manage on.

In the early days DH ended up doing 50% of night times as I just could not manage on so little sleep, my body did not adapt, I simply became over tired, irrational, paranoid and unable to function.

I would say that in this case the DH has had full nights of sleep versus the DWs interrupted nights, it would seem only fair that he would shoulder some of the burden in this situation.

scottishmummy · 07/06/2013 19:32

if you're going to paraphrase me get it right,I've never said housewife is job
I have said if you live by a traditional role,expect to enact traditional role eg with wean
I have noted on mn people compare housewife to a job

VerySmallSqueak · 07/06/2013 20:30

Have you decided whether you are going to speak to him glam71 ?

Original poster

glam71 · 07/06/2013 20:45

He claims he didn't hear. Have to give benefit of the doubt. Have said though that if it happens again that i would appreciate some help. Has grudgingly agreed. Although did moan about how hard he works. Ironic sine he has done nothing since getting home at 6. Yet i have cooked dinner and put baby to bed.
Day definately hasn't been a doss with clingly baby and dt on my hands.
Also had housework to do as mil visiting tomorrow.

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 07/06/2013 20:48

you've had all day to cook dinner?hes been at work
dinner is your responsibility seeing he goes out and works. you home all day
if you not want to cook daily,then cook big in batch and freeze

VerySmallSqueak · 07/06/2013 20:51

Next time you do need his help,make sure you do give him a nudge.Put it into practice.

You should have left the housework today apart from essentials- I'm sure MIL is visiting the family not doing a spot check on your cleaning standards.

DP could help this evening or she could help tomorrow if they find it lacking.

Hope dt is feeling better and on the mend.

Original poster

glam71 · 07/06/2013 20:59

O yes it's really easy to cook dinner with a poorly child and clingy baby. Baby has slept for about 30 minutes if that. Still dealingwith 5 peoples laundry from a weeks camping and all the bedding from vomiting so yes scottish mummy I have has stacks of time to cook dinner!
Do you think that your nanny dosses all day or does she care for your children?

OP posts:

SolomanDaisy · 07/06/2013 21:01

Don't rise to it glam, it's just goading.

scottishmummy · 07/06/2013 21:02

do you need to think about how to manage your time?
pasta and sauce in 15 min from scratch
my nanny?i outsource to mrs hannigans daycare

Original poster

glam71 · 07/06/2013 21:02

O and yes i do cook dinner every night. Often i than come down in morning to a messy kitchin because i do bedtime for all 3 dc every night and baby often doesn't completely settle till 11.

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 07/06/2013 21:04

yes and? that's your set up you chose not to work

Original poster

glam71 · 07/06/2013 21:06

OP posts:

CityGal29 · 07/06/2013 21:08

My Dh does 75% me 25% with our two under 4.

I've got a thyroid problem and we both work full time and he needs less sleep than me

scottishmummy · 07/06/2013 21:09

sorry to read your child ill,hope has recovered, yes it's hard
but it's not your daily regular routine.dt at school, you and baby at home
you probably also have nice not so frenetic days

Ledkr · 07/06/2013 21:10

It always annoys me the whole "man working so must sleep" crap.
I work and often we get disturbed at night and I still manage to work the next day as does dh.
Not ideal to be disturbed at night before work but still possible to cope with.
After all, most of us aren't on the bloody coal face are we?

MortifiedAdams · 07/06/2013 21:15

I work full time shift work and have a 17mo. Staying at home is Much harder than being at work. And my job is no doss.

tellyour DH that friday nightsare your nightsoff - as soon as heis in from work he is on duty. Thats kids to sort and put to bed andany night wakings. He is on duty until whatever time you wake on Saturday. I would add "I'm sure I could manage on one undisturbed night a week.....I mean, you get seven at the moment so it really not unfair to split it 6:1 is it?"

Only a wanker would disagree. Use earplugs those nights.

scottishmummy · 07/06/2013 21:16

yes but responsible job,demands cerrtain alertness etc.its not same as housewife
if I went to see responsible role person and they were distracted I wouldn't think ach sick wean
in work environment I expect responsible employee to be responsible

VerySmallSqueak · 07/06/2013 21:21

glam71 it's bloody hard sometimes to deal with sick children,babies,etc.

Don't let anyone else run you down.

It was more often than not that DH came home to chaos when I was on ML with just one (colicky) baby to deal with.Sometimes he despaired at the situation,but never at me.He usually took on cooking when things were tricky.

You need some support somewhere when you're having a tough time,whatever scottishmummy says.

MortifiedAdams · 07/06/2013 21:22

SM So what about the nights the WOHM parent doesnt have to get up for work in the morning? Surely the only fair thing is for them to step in and let the SAHM parent have a full night uninterrupted sleep

scottishmummy · 07/06/2013 21:24

keep up,I've. addressed said point
on non work nights,weekends,holidays you share equitably
on work nights the non worker does the tasks

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