to ask your opinion before discussing with dh

[glam71]

Dh has a responsible job with a long commute meaning he is out of the for approx 13 hours per day. As a result he is not exactly hands on during the week. So historically I have done all the night wakings etc for our twins aged 8 as I sahm.

However, we now have a 7 month old who still wakes in the night. Obviously I am still happy to deal with dd in the night as breast feeding.
However, last night dt1 was sick. I found myself dealing with baby, sick child and all the cleaning.
Now I know I probably should have woken dh up. However, I suspect if I did he would get cross about being disturbed.
So now I am tempted to ask him if he was woken up by goings on last night. If the answer is yes should I challenge him about not helping.
Aibu to think that if he heard he should help. How does it work in your home?

It's not that I would always be asking all the time though. Situations where a child is poorly are fortunately rare. Although I suspect in a couple of days the other twn could get it too.

that is called parenting

he is a parent

kids get ill, the end

I guess I just need some encouagement. Dh is very traditional shall we say. He has in the past told me that I should be able to keep the house pristine as I am at home all day. If I can't its because I go shopping too much or attend too many groups/activities at twins school.

That was thelast discussion we had so yes I guess I need to know that I am being reasonable with myexpectation.

if you are at home, I think it is reasonable for you to do the nighttime stuff. i never woke my husband up when our sons were babies, because he had to work, whereas I could always have a sleep in the daytime when my sons went to sleep. but I didn't have any qualms about leaving him to look after them in the evening for a while so I could go and have a bath or something. but definitely I would not disturb him at night, he needs to be alert while he is at work.

Agree normally louise but I had two upset children at the same time and copious amount of vomit to deal with. I must admit I did just get on with it but afterwards I thought about it and wondered if I was being a mug.

The way we did it when I was on maternity leave was that with one awake I usually sorted it.With both awake,he chipped in.
He was working long hours driving for a living and it would have been dangerous for him to have been trying to function at work absolutely knackered.
By the time I was back at work we were lucky enough to have them sleeping through so we only had to deal with night wakings for illness and nightmares.

I think you need to sort out something that works in your own circumstances but I do think it is a bit off if you suspect he may be cross if he is disturbed.
That's not really on,is it?

Boosiehs both my parents were doctors, yes my Mum only worked very part time when we were little but she was with us all day and had no childcare except for the hours she worked. They both managed to get up with us during the night and not kill anyone

OP - I'm a SAHM, DH works long hours. He helps out in the night, always has, especially if one of the DCs is ill. You have a lazy man there.

Boosiehs

I may be being black and white about it but the op is talking about one night not every night!

Personally I would just tell dh that the little one was sick and it was a real ordeal to manage. I'd then ask if it happened again whether it would be ok to give him a nudge so that he could help out in an hour of desperate need. If he says no then at least you know where you stand.

Oooo glam he needs to be given a big fuck off tablet if he's moaning about the state of the house.

Traditional,my arse.

Stand up for yourself because it sounds like it's he who is unreasonable.

Our lg is 3 and has not long started sleeping through, im 32 weeks with our 2nd.
My husband gets up very early and works long-ish hours (he's a postie so walks for about 5/6 hours a day)and im a SAHM.
and he has allways got up during the night, never had to ask or even have the chat to why he should.
He's her daughter too, we both work hard during the day and in a few weeks be working even harder.

We both take it in turns to have lie ins, share the cooking/washing up and all that kinda stuff. we're a team.

& if he said to me he thinks i should keep the house in pristine condition cause i was at home all day, i would laugh in his face.

I can see you are trying to be kind to him but I think you should have woken him to help you settle and clean up a sick child , just because you are a SAHM doesn't really mean you have to do anything regarding night stuff

I guess I just need some encouagement. Dh is very traditional shall we say. He has in the past told me that I should be able to keep the house pristine as I am at home all day. If I can't its because I go shopping too much or attend too many groups/activities at twins school.

Dear. Fucking. God.

Where do these men get dug up from?

glam71 well i can see why you don't want to ask him. My DH is not traditional but lets just say he's a bit lazy and would bite my head off when i asked for help, which would put me off asking him for help. However, as time went on, i'd stand my ground more, and he realised that i'm a much nicer person if i'm getting some help. As for pristine house, our house looks like a hurricane has hit it. I dont go out much to activites or shopping, but it still looks awful. Maybe he needs to look after the kids on his won for a week to find out what it's really like. I went on a work course for a week and DH found out a few things about my schedule.

and this was an emergency for the traditionalists amongst us why should a mum struggle in the night with a sick child and a feeding baby a man can cope quite well with a bit of disturbed sleep,

For "traditional" read ,"lazy sexist twat"

but there no significant impact if you have disturbed night.he works ft
if you're dh has poor performance at work,make mistake that has significance
it's hard getting disturbed with ill baby but you can take it easier next day and dt at school

It depends what the commute is - an hour and a half each way, I'd probably not wake him. 50 mins each way, I probabaly would wake him.

For "traditional" read ,"lazy sexist twat"

Aye that too

Lol @ Anyfucker

Don't hold back eh

scottishmummy that's not really true about no significant impact. For example the OP, could be so tired that she has a car accident with all the kids in car. I would say that is worse than one day poor performance at work. I don't think his overall work performance is going to suffer from being woken up a few times a year, in the middle of the night.

I see the arguments on both sides.

What it comes down to for me is this:

What husband and parent never wakes up, never offers to help his wife and child?

I've always done night feeds, but vomiting child is a two person job. Are you happy with your DH being 'traditional'? Because traditionally women had quite shit lives.

I was a Sahm for 10 years, and I'd say we had a 70/30 split in his favour

Soloman

Excellent point

I will risk the wrath of Mumsnet and admit I think if there is a stay at home parent, they should deal with night wakings. However this case was an exception. I think better dealt with by waking him and asking for help but done now! Hope DC feels better!