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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask your opinion before discussing with dh

229 replies

glam71 · 07/06/2013 09:42

Dh has a responsible job with a long commute meaning he is out of the for approx 13 hours per day. As a result he is not exactly hands on during the week. So historically I have done all the night wakings etc for our twins aged 8 as I sahm.

However, we now have a 7 month old who still wakes in the night. Obviously I am still happy to deal with dd in the night as breast feeding.
However, last night dt1 was sick. I found myself dealing with baby, sick child and all the cleaning.
Now I know I probably should have woken dh up. However, I suspect if I did he would get cross about being disturbed.
So now I am tempted to ask him if he was woken up by goings on last night. If the answer is yes should I challenge him about not helping.
Aibu to think that if he heard he should help. How does it work in your home?

OP posts:
Gay40 · 07/06/2013 16:33

I worked while DP looked after our baby in the day. We used to have one agreed lie-in at the weekend and roughly shared the waking up at nights stuff. (We shared everything else equally apart from breastfeeding)
But we are both women. Not sure if you think that makes a difference.
It worked for us.

Technotropic · 07/06/2013 16:34

I see what you're saying Bridget but the op said her dh had a long commute. I'd guess at 1.5 hours each way so can't be working more than 10 hours a day. That is peanuts IMHO compared to looking after a child all day and working round the house.

So if he left at 6am he'd be back by 7pm and the op is saying he's not hands on. So between 7pm and bedtime she's still doing everything whilst he's doing ?? Thus she's worked the same day as he has but is then working from 7 till bedtime as well, combined with nighttime antics.

If she's doing this every day then one night is a drop in the ocean IMHO and akin to a late lads night out on the beer.

Beamae · 07/06/2013 16:34

My husband is also out commuting/working for 13 hours a day, sometimes more. He has always shared all the overnight childcare with me. Even when our twins were little and breastfed he would wake up, help arrange them and then snooze until they were done, then change bums, burp, resettle. When they were on bottles he was the one who made them at night. These days he does all the night wakings because I have lost my ability to hear them crying at night! Handy that...

On weekends he does maybe 80% of the childcare and housework so I can get a break. He thinks I have the harder deal.

Original poster
glam71 · 07/06/2013 16:36

I truly don't have a problem with doing all the usual night wakings. Dd is up twice most nights. I also normally deal with the vomiting. Even did it whilst pregnant. It was no fun trying to get sick off cabin bed mattress. However, with baby addedto the mix it just felt too much. Although I suppose a single parent would have to.

I also think he would probably use the I can, t drive when tired argument. He did as much when he was trying to persuade me to go in spare room with dd when tiny and waking for hours at a time.

OP posts:
Original poster
glam71 · 07/06/2013 16:37

Commute was an hour each way.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 07/06/2013 16:37

Doing the night feeds is one thing, especially as you are BF. But sickness means all bets are off and everyone who is capable should pitch in the help.

No one is thrilled to be woken at 3am to clean up sick, but it has to be done. He is their father, not your employer! Sounds like you both need to realise that.

Bogeyface · 07/06/2013 16:39

HE can't drive tired but YOU can be in charge of 3 young children when you are on your kinees with exhaustion?

He is a lazy fecker and the sooner you stamp it out the better.

trackies · 07/06/2013 16:41

My DD was a terrible sleeper for years. For the first year, I did nearly all of the waking up, including 11pm feed, whilst DH had lie in's till 9.30am so he was getting about 10 hours of sleep a night. He still moaned about being woken up at 9.30am cos he was commuting during the week (50 misn commute). I went back to work when she was 12 months old, he helped out a bit more but not much. I had DS when DD was 19 months and DD was still an awful sleeper. So DH decided he would have to wake up for DD and i would take care of DS. I was quite shocked that he decided to do this as he's not great at waking up. Now I am a SAHM cos DS has severe reflux. Most of the time i wake up, but if it's something really bad like sick he'll get up and help me out. YANBU

LiegeAndLief · 07/06/2013 16:45

If he was waking twice a night every night I might just be able to accept the driving argument. But really, one disturbed night is going to screw him over so completely he can't function properly? What kind of an adult is he?!

Incidentally, I have done plenty of driving, working and parenting on little sleep. Yes, I perform better when not tired (I think, it's hard to remember Wink) but I wasn't that inept.

Technotropic · 07/06/2013 16:46

OP I think you're being incredibly kind to your dh. A 1 hour drive really is nothing as I do this every day too. Ok so he works an 11 hour day but irrespective of his responsibilities at work, it is not comparable to looking after kids, unless he's a childminder and looking after more kids than you are lol.

Boosiehs · 07/06/2013 16:49

Technotropic - I think you are being remarkably black and white about this.

What if he was a doctor, or a nurse, or a pilot an air traffic controller, where people's lives were at stake?

Lweji · 07/06/2013 16:51

How about you tell him how hard last night was and that if last night happens again and you will need his help you will tell him. See how he reacts.

He might expect you to ask for help if you need to.

If he tries to wriggle out of it, insist that it is rare, but sometimes you do need help and he should be there for you.

Boosiehs · 07/06/2013 16:52

Oh and - if he continually goes to work exhausted and not able to function and gets the sack, how will the OP pay her rent/mortgage/for food?

It's teamwork - on all fronts.

jammiedonut · 07/06/2013 16:53

You are being very nice to let him get away with not helping so far. I wouldn't be so pa about it though, I think you need to be clear and realistic about your expectations of help when situations like the one in your post arise. Yanbu for expecting help when you need it most but yabu to expect him to suddenly develop a 6th sense and recognise that on this occasion you can't cope as you didn't ask him for help! In an ideal world, yes, he should be able to recognise where he needs to step in without being told, but from what you've said that doesn't seem likely to happen!

poorbuthappy · 07/06/2013 16:56

I have been at home since twins were born so coming up for 5 years.

On the whole I did the majority of the nights. Apart from the obv at the very beg when 2 newborns woke at the same time.

But there is a line. And that line is drawn by the stay at home parent who says to the working parent, I need your help. I am outnumbered and do not have enough limbs to do it all.
I never hesitated in crossing the line.

AnyFucker · 07/06/2013 17:01

I absolutely would expect my H to wake up and assist with a situation like this

Routine night feeds for an under 2yo...maybe not if you are a SAHM (although my H always did some of them)

An 8yo puking and a baby to look after is an unusual situation (unless your 8yo makes a habit of puking in the night) so he should have stepped up

I wouldn't have even thought twice, he would have got a dig in the ribs no matter what kind of job he does

he's a parent, right ?

he chose to have these children...so he should be parenting

littlepeas · 07/06/2013 17:01

The what ifs are stupid. What if exhausted sahm, whose dh never helps during the night, falls asleep at the wheel on school run and has head on collision with a bus killing herself and dc. Perhaps more blokes should think about that scenario, seeing as we're considering what might happen to them if they have to wake up during the night on the odd occasion ffs. If you have children you sometimes have to get up in the night, being a parent is a 24 hour job and that should apply to both parents.

AnyFucker · 07/06/2013 17:02

why are you fearful of your husband ?

ImagineJL · 07/06/2013 17:03

I'm a single parent who works so no choice here, but my view would be that for "normal" wakings, you as the SAHM should deal with it. But when there's a crisis ie 2 kids needing lots of help, then it should be all hands on deck to help out.

There have been many many times when I've been up most of the night with both my kids ill, and gone to work to do a 12 hour day the next day, and I'm still alive, so it's not going to finish him off now and then!

GoldenGreen · 07/06/2013 17:10

I agree that this is an unusual situation and certainly DP (with a long drive, long hours etc) did get up in the night in similar circumstances with no expectation that I should be managing it all myself. On the other hand, I was very happy to move to the spare room until dd was about 7 months so that DP was as undisturbed as possible during the night - it suited us all.

"But there is a line. And that line is drawn by the stay at home parent who says to the working parent, I need your help. I am outnumbered and do not have enough limbs to do it all." Definitely agree with this.

littlepeas · 07/06/2013 17:10

I think the only situation in which this is acceptable is when it is a first dc who is exclusively bf. With all subsequent dc the chance if a daytime nap is minimal unless you have a very small age gap. I can't even begin to imagine the exhaustion if my dh had never helped me. It would be ridiculous.

coppertop · 07/06/2013 17:11

Two children needed help.

They had two parents in the house.

Your dh should have been doing his fair share.

trackies · 07/06/2013 17:13

i agree about 'what if's'. I had a car accident with DS in the car cos i was tierd. No one was hurt, i just damaged the car, but still. It's not like you are asking him to get up every night, just occasionally. Maybe have a chat and say that you needed help, and that in future you would like to feel you can ask him if you really do need it.

Chandon · 07/06/2013 17:21

My DH would have helped in that scenario ( unless he had a maybe a business trip and a 6 am flight the next morning, or something like that).

However, I think it is a BAD idea to ask him if he heard, if not why not and if yes why did he not help. What can this conversation lead to? Guilt and resentment and a situation in th past that cannot be changed.

Instead, I would mention t was a tough night, and that in future in this case you may wake him up for help. And then, next time t happens, give him the elbow in the night and say : " I am getting DT1, go and see how DS is" or something.

I really believe the best way to get someone, anyone, to help is to simply ask at the moment the help is required.

Going back over past events just leads to arguments, which is not really useful IMO.

Now if you ask for help, and he says NO....THAT is when I'd start a row. But not before then.

AnyFucker · 07/06/2013 17:21

OP could have asked him. For some reason she felt she couldn't and then felt the need to consult strangers to bolster her confidence before she approaches him (cap in hand ?)

Is there more going on here, OP ? It certainly looks like it, which should give you a clue as to who is potentially being unreasonable

clue : it's not you

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