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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask your opinion before discussing with dh

229 replies

glam71 · 07/06/2013 09:42

Dh has a responsible job with a long commute meaning he is out of the for approx 13 hours per day. As a result he is not exactly hands on during the week. So historically I have done all the night wakings etc for our twins aged 8 as I sahm.

However, we now have a 7 month old who still wakes in the night. Obviously I am still happy to deal with dd in the night as breast feeding.
However, last night dt1 was sick. I found myself dealing with baby, sick child and all the cleaning.
Now I know I probably should have woken dh up. However, I suspect if I did he would get cross about being disturbed.
So now I am tempted to ask him if he was woken up by goings on last night. If the answer is yes should I challenge him about not helping.
Aibu to think that if he heard he should help. How does it work in your home?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 07/06/2013 18:01

she's a housewife she's not working its not so big a deal,she can doss about take easy next day
her dh has too work undertake tasks to a set standard.op isn't under that external pressure
I hope the baby is ok btw

trackies · 07/06/2013 18:05

she can't doss. She has to get DT's up, fed, watered, to school.
Then look after after baby all day until DT's are home, when it's all 3 of them. As well as keeping house pristine. I wouldn't call that dossing.

Catbiscuit · 07/06/2013 18:06

I'm a sahm, I deal with night wakings but if there is ever a 2 person job (baby up with older child sick or wetting the bed) then I would and do wake up dh no question.
Dh always gets the shit job of clearing up sick or wet bed too as I am the one with boobs to feed the baby :-)

VerySmallSqueak · 07/06/2013 18:06

I think if there are two parents there,one can deal with the vomiting child and ensure things are cleaned up properly .
Then the risks are minimized of any infection being passed on to the baby,hopefully making the chance of further disturbed nights with vomitting DCs less likely.

It's the only sensible solution even for a 'traditionalist' DH.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 07/06/2013 18:07

trackies don't rise to SM on this subject. She has a whole armoury full of axes to grind on the matter Wink

scottishmummy · 07/06/2013 18:07

no she doesn't have to do all that,she can let something slide with no sanction/comeback
her dh got to work if he make mistake,poor performance potential impact
she has to get dt school-run and can then prioritise sick baby and leave some stuff

mrsjay · 07/06/2013 18:08

she's a housewife she's not working its not so big a deal,she can doss about take easy next day

so her feelings are not taken into consideration because she can doss about she is meant to be able to manage a vomiting and feeding baby at the same time , if she was a workingwife would she still be expected to cope the same , 1 thing from your post suggests housewives are superwomen a positive i spose

trackies · 07/06/2013 18:08

Alibabaandthe40nappies thanks alot for the warning Smile

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 07/06/2013 18:09

Sm

Since you have never been a SAHM I don't know how you feel qualified to say what they do pr don't do and how it feels to be one

VerySmallSqueak · 07/06/2013 18:11

There will be no dossing going on.

One will be at home for 48 hours after the last episode of vomitting and there is also a baby to look after.

scottishmummy · 07/06/2013 18:11

housewives on mn always bang on that kids,home is their job,so snap to it
we work ft we both get up,if one parent doesn't work yes they should get up sort it
her dp has responsible job inferring if he tired it has consequence.no big deal if op bit tired

Grammaticus · 07/06/2013 18:12

Our kids aren't pukers, we have had maybe three episodes in the last ten years. But in this house, badly directed vomit is a two person job. And DH earns six figures and, you know, has a penis. Amazing really.

scottishmummy · 07/06/2013 18:13

lol,Jamie applying your skewed logic the housewives who don't work can't comment on how ft worker feels
given they don't work and don't have a responsible job
are you saying on mn one can only comment if directly in the op comparable circumstance?

littlepeas · 07/06/2013 18:14

Once dc are older and wake ups are in and out then, as a sahm, I would definitely do the get up, but when one parent has to get up every single night at least once and often more that is when it is absolutely unreasonable for a man to just lie in bed and ignore it. It is wrong for one person to take on the entire ordeal of sleep deprivation alone.

mrsjay · 07/06/2013 18:14

not all housewives bang on about anything it SM come on you are much better than that to retaliate so sneery scottishmummy you are a bloody nippy sweetie

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 07/06/2013 18:15

Sm

Most people have worked, they know what a paid job entails. And it aint all brain surgery

scottishmummy · 07/06/2013 18:17

on mn the housewives argue its a job (some even think it should be paid)
if one considers it job (which it isn't) better get on with it
it's not a straight equitable both up,unless both work.in op this isn't the case

mrsjay · 07/06/2013 18:21

her husbands child was sick and she needed support she needed him and because she thinks he works he shouldn't be disturbed I find that quite sad tbh. because a mother doesn't have a job she isn't entitled to support and a bit of a hand clearing up some sick

trackies · 07/06/2013 18:23

SM,
i'm a SAHM that DID go back to work after first one. Had to give up after second. I can tell you that i got up much more than DH when we were both working. My first day back at work, I had 5 hours broken sleep. i was vomiting several times a day at work due to second pregnancy and still got up to look after DD at night, and vomited then aswell. And guess what it didn't kill me and my boss was very happy with my performance. I used to work weekends, overnights and do oncall etc. We both work in the same industry. From my experience, DH has a much more time to doss than me as a SAHM. I had more time to doss at work too. I could go to the loo when i needed to for a start. I could eat my lunch (usually at my desk whilst doing work but at least i could eat it).

mrsjay · 07/06/2013 18:23

I am not a housewife I dont work due to illness so by default I stayed at home to look after the children my husband worked long and strange hours but If i ever needed him during the night if they were both ill or something I wouldn't be hesitant or wary of asking for help

scottishmummy · 07/06/2013 18:26

if one went to see gp/solicitor/IT/responsible job and they'd made error cause up with baby would that be ok?i wouldn't be ok with that with you all
I'd expect someone in responsible job to be able to perform.i wouldn't think ach sick wean

mrsjay · 07/06/2013 18:28

what if that GP blah blah was up with a sick child and their working partner didnt get up that night and made a mistake it is just the same, a mum who is just a housewife could crash her car due to lack of sleep , all exaggerated scenarios SM

VerySmallSqueak · 07/06/2013 18:29

Just as I'm sure a SAHP would hate to see their partner running themselves into the ground at paid work,I would hope that an employed parent would hate to see the SAHP running themselves into the ground dealing with a night waking baby,a sick child and pressure to keep a pristine house.

It's not all or nothing. A bit of give and take.

OP is feeling the pressure and her DP seems a bit unapproachable and very demanding.
I suspect that if she did work he would be much the same in his views.

mrsjay · 07/06/2013 18:30

an IT person a responsible job REALLY ? so if they make a mistake in fixing a Pc programme that is life threatening nobodys job is that important that they cant give their wife a hand with their sick wean

littlepeas · 07/06/2013 18:30

Most blokes wouldn't think twice about going out drinking on a school night and suffering for it the next day. I don't see how getting up once in a while to help with the dc is any different. It really is quite sexist to assume that the woman deals with it unquestioningly and I am surprised that so many women facilitate this attitude or, even worse, actually think it is right. Everybody needs to sleep, nobody is more entitled to it than anybody else. It is basically saying that a man needs x amount of sleep in order to function, whilst totally disregarding the fact that their partner actually needs the same but should manage of significantly less. It is a total disregard for the health of the person you supposedly love.