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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be incandescent with rage about this email (v long, sorry)

219 replies

Caitycat · 06/06/2013 20:17

I hope I'm not because I am absolutely furious. A bit of background, my parents are Roman Catholic and I was brought up in that tradition, dh's family are C of E although fil was brought up a Methodist in Belfast. Dh and I are very occasional attendees of our village (C of E) church.

Both sets of gps have been on at us since our dd (now 9mo) was born about having her christened. My dps said they thought it would be great for her to be christened in the village church and went out of their way to say that as far as they were concerned all christians were the same and they were not ar all worried whether she was Catholic or not. Fil sent dh a series of emails emphasising how important it was for her to be christened into the "family religion" I.e. His (by which he means C of E despite his methodist roots). He mentioned that he knew my mother (why her specifically I'm not sure) would have a problem with it but that shouldn't stop us "doing the right thing".

Dh responded strongly saying the only person with a "problem" was him and quoting my parents' comments. We heard nothing more about it for several months. I mentioned the idea of getting her christened a few times but we are v busy and dh is not sure he wants to so we have agreed to leave it for a while.

Fast forward to today dh receives another email which includes the following; if you decide not to have her baptised I shall want to know what this decision is based on. You have told me there are no issues with (my) parents. I can therefore only assume that (I) has an issue with our family being protestant, a family she willingly married into and whose name she has taken. She presumably us opposed to your children being protestant and that being the case you cannot be surprised thaat I would never accept the religious lineage of my family being changed through children. WTAF

Please tell me IANBU to be incredibly angry at both the email and the attitude it displays towards me.

Thanks if you've read this far I really needed to share!

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 06/06/2013 20:41

Grin Allan!

OP, I completely sympathise with you, and I would be feeling furious too, but try to let that emotion wash over you and allow your DH to be the furious one (which, if he's any kind of a DH, he will be).

Your FIL sounds like a bit of a pompous idiot, but if at all possible you need to be the bigger person and let it go (turn the other cheek!), so that you can have a good relationship with them in the future. If you're hoping to be married a long time, there's really nothing worse than a strained relationship with your inlaws.

And, of course, do whatever you feel comfortable with over baptism of your child.

neunundneunzigluftballons · 06/06/2013 20:42

If that were me I would be telling fil when the christening is over that he was not nvited because he was so rude in that email and then I would never ever tell him what religion you christened the child. I am so evil that I would christen the child in a far removed parish so it would take him years to track down the christening records too.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 06/06/2013 20:42

Blimey, he clearly had a BIG issue with his son marrying a catholic Shock

What a shame he has let it boil over so badly because it will be his loss. I am assuming you, dp or dc will not be seeing him until there is some sort of apology.

tobiasfunke · 06/06/2013 20:43

'No Pope here'! You can take the man out of NI but you can't take NI out of the man- his inner Ulster bigot has emerged (I am from a long line of them so I should know). He probably thought he was being an amazing tolerant person by letting his son marry a papist. It's an entirely different matter when it comes to the grandchildren. I have seen this attitude a number of times as my uncles kept marrying RC's (the horror!)

I would be tempted to email back that the attitude he is displaying towards his DIL is so unchristian he should be ashamed of himself and any chance of a christening is now out the window due to his meddling.

trackies · 06/06/2013 20:45

YANBU. That is really out of order. I keep re-reading it in shock. It deos say something about his attitude towards you, but also towards women in general. He's a bully ! Used to getting his own way.

Pigsmummy · 06/06/2013 20:45

Tell your DH to grow a pair and sort out this misunderstanding otherwise it will cause friction between you and your in laws.

NotAnotherPackedLunch · 06/06/2013 20:46

Any chance you, DH and DC can change you surname to your maiden name so that you no longer taint his family name?

Justfornowitwilldo · 06/06/2013 20:46

Interesting the way that he assumes that the issue was firstly your mother and secondly you. You Catholic women obviously don't know your places.

Startail · 06/06/2013 20:47

YANBU, my devout CofE DMIL, understood completely that I couldn't say the creed at a christening and would want DD to make up her own mind.

The vicar knew I couldn't either (he'd married us). So we had a lovely thankyou blessing prayer said in her honour instead.

DMIL, DH and DSIL got to say thankyou to their God for her safe arrival and neither she nor I were embroiled in promises, that 15 years later would have made her uncomfortable.

LittlePeaPod · 06/06/2013 20:48

YANBU..... I would be furious... Tell him to F right Off..... Oh even better ignore him and his stupid email... Silence is golden... I will piss him off even more if you ignore him..... Treat him with the utter contempt he deserves.....

quoteunquote · 06/06/2013 20:49

Why don't you leave it to your daughter to decide, when she is grown up and has all the relevant information?

That way she can choose which religion she is joined to, and it will insure that you avoid any mistakes being made.

Mia4 · 06/06/2013 20:50

YANBU, personally I'd get your DH to tell him to fuck off, that actually you both but he particularly isn't bothered by christening and that (perhaps) you plan to let your child to choose when an adult.

WipsGlitter · 06/06/2013 20:52

Nightmare.

We're sort of in the same situation but FiL uses BiL as his mouthpiece. Neither of us want to christen our children so we just ignore, ignore, ignore.

Startail · 06/06/2013 20:55

as for your 'D'FIL, I suspect his Methodist roots are the problem. High church CofE like my DMIL would have lived with a catholic GC.
A methodist would find it far far harder.

In fact DMIL had the Catholic last rights because of where she died and she wouldn't have minded at all. She was on holiday and would have understood totally the hotel staff and local Drs. need to do what felt dignified.

zigzoo · 06/06/2013 20:56

OP where did you get married?!

FairhairedAndFrustrated · 06/06/2013 20:58

Oh dear, your FIL would hate me.

I'm in NI too, Catholic, married to a Protestant.

DH is an only son of an only son - we got married in a Catholic church and got our children baptised into the Catholic faith.

In future years they will be able to pinpoint the exact time their lineage changed to Catholic. It was the birth of our only son :)

In short, fuck them.

mummydarkling · 06/06/2013 20:58

Yes I know FiL is BVVVVU BUT there is a crucial thing here..."brought up a Methodist in Belfast". My DPs are/were RCs from Ireland and the upbringing they had meant that they believed a lot of bad things about the other community. They had to think deeply about sectarianism especially as they settled in England. Please have a dialogue this issue is stressing him out hence the email and I guess there is no MiL around.

Ginderella love your DMs emergency dishwater baptism, I guess you were not so amused.

My DS3 had a RC baptism and a proddy reception/ kind of blessing for kids that had been baptised already eg in hospital in an emergency. But that is a long story....

We are a "mixed" marriage as they would say in Norn Irn and I would be most offended by sectarianism. But I beg you to understand FiL he is a victim of it too.

Peace to you and the family Flowers

Royalmailer · 06/06/2013 20:59

He sounds very old fashioned.

'A family she has married into and whose name she has taken?' Hmm

It's not the 1800s still, is it?

Thesunalwayshinesontv · 06/06/2013 21:00

He will never accept his religious lineage being changed through his children? Huh? What does he propose to do, then? Un-have the children and grandchildren he's got? Weird.

Sounds like a threat to me, and when I am threatened I tend to bark back. Quite strongly. How dare he be so insulting to people who have accommodated him being of a different religion to him...

If neither you nor DH are fussed about getting your DC baptised, don't bother. Let the children pick their own religion when they are old enough to decide for themselves. I'd rather be a heathen than forcibly be a follower of a religion chosen by a bully...

mamadoc · 06/06/2013 21:01

This has nothing whatsoever to do with religious faith and everything to do with nasty, sectarian bigotry.

In all seriousness I would tell him to think and pray about this and get some guidance from his vicar. (A religious version of 'did you mean to be so rude!').

Being baptised is an outward sign of a commitment to bring up your child in a particular faith. It can in no way 'make' you of one faith or another. Many Christians don't believe in infant baptism because they think it is a decision you should make for yourself. All the baptisms depicted in the Bible are of adults. If you don't feel strongly yourselves I would just say that you are leaving the decision to your DD.

SybilRamkin · 06/06/2013 21:01

What K8 said.

And Boomba's "Reee...HEEAAAALL..lllyy??" Grin Grin

AcrylicPlexiglass · 06/06/2013 21:06

I think you should definitely tell him you are following Allan now.Grin

Or ignore him and set up his emails to go straight to the junkmail box. He's bang out of order and this is none of his business.

Justfornowitwilldo · 06/06/2013 21:06

i've found you a new coffee table book for their next visit

IKnowWhat · 06/06/2013 21:06

While I completely agree with the tell him to FuckOff option. I think you and DH should sit down and really think about what has happened and what your options are. Whist the FuckOff option is clearly the morally correct route it, or any other option NOT involving getting the DC baptised would likely lead to a lifelong war between you all.

You need to be sure that your DH is OK with this.

I would be happy to never see them again.

I real feel for all of you, this is a horrible situation caused by a horrible man (and possibly his wife too?? )

Ps. I would suggest that you don't delete the emails.

travailtotravel · 06/06/2013 21:07

Just showing some support for Allan.

Alternatively, I am a Pastafarian. I am not kidding, google it. I listed it as my faith when required to do so on pointless forms. No-one dare ask me about it ... !