To not lie to the dr as instructed by dh.

[Youcanbesneezyimnotdopey]

Dh is clearly being an unreasonable arse.

He suffers from hayfever. Normally he gets it on prescription as it is so expensive over the counter and he gets through a lot of it. It costs nearly £20 to buy over the counter. He has recently moved to my dr's surgery, previously he was still at the one where he lived before and his mother used to get the prescription and pay for the charge.

I suffer from a long term medical condition which entitles me to free prescriptions. So he wants me to go and lie to the dr and get the hayfever stuff so we don't have to pay. I have refused. This morning he said to me to go to the chemist to get his hayfever stuff and I said ok if he gave me the money (I'm a poor sahm, he earns 70k+ a year). He refused and said I could pay as its my own fault for refusing to get him free prescriptions.

I will not do this a) because its just plain wrong, b) because I've never had hayfever in my life and it'll probably look odd of I suddenly develop so badly I need eye drops, nose drops and antihistamines and c) because I have quite enough on my medical record without anything else.

I'm not being unreasonable am I?! He is not very pleased but in all honestly he is a bit of a bulky sometimes and I think he thinks I will give in if he's unpleasant enough.

Your DH is an arse but you know that.

No-one really should be getting bog standard Anti-Histimines on prescription when they only cost 99p... I am exempt prescription charges and I buy mine

Sorry OP, sounds like this is the least of your problems, but there has been a lot

Sorry posted too soon...

Lots of people on this thread are wrong about CB changes. You can opt out of receiving the payments (but still technically apply) and you still receive NI credits as before.

See last paragraph here.

However, the whole point of CB is to protect women (or men if they are the primary caregiver) from the effects of financial abuse. So in your case you could threaten your dh with self assessment if he doesn't reduce the inequity in your "incomes".

I get more on Income Support than that, as I get extra elements in respect if my own disabilities. I get £190 a fortnight JUST with my IS. Then I get full HB on top. Then I get DLA, as I have epilepsy and arthritis. Then I get free school meals and child tax credit for my DC's - hang on and I'll tell you how much it is for one DC (I have 4).

CTC for one DC is £63 a week.
IS (basic) is £71 a week
You may be able to claim extra elements on top as you have a long term health condition, depending on what that is. Which could be worth another £25 a week.
Depending on your health issues, you may be able to claim for DLA. You can claim DLA even if you work.
You will also get that amount I posted earlier as maintenance, another £137 a week.
Then you would probably get either the house to stay in until your DS is 18yo, or the house to be sold and you be given enough to buy a smaller property.
You may even be given spousal maintenance until you have a job that can support you and your DS.

You will NOT be destitute.

Am just aghast at this thread. OP you would be far better off on benefits and your 'd'h would find he has to pay alot more than £500 a month if you split.

He's treating you like a full time member of staff on much less than minimum pay.

Please don't wait for the 'right' moment to.leave, you could be waiting yrs.

You need to get a plan together. Remember if you divorce the starting point is 50-50 of assets, and he'd be paying you maintenance after that. If I was you, I would go along with his absurd requests, and document everything. This will provide evidence of financial abuse. I know it's very easy for me to say this, but much harder to do.

I haven't read a thread as sad as this for a very long tome

time even.

OP, please understand that you are being abused, and your sense that you can't do anything to improve your situation is a consequence of the abuse, regardless of how real and insurmountable the problems may seem.

Please contact Women's Aid, and hopefully they will be able to help you find some clarity.

YANBU. I'm SAHM and my DH earns similar amount but he puts in 4x that amount into joint acc to cover everything and leaves me to administer it. He does tend to treat himself to gadgets and I don't as there's not much spare. Really i don't know how you have managed on the amount he gives you. So sorry that you are in this position. Sounds like he is treating you badly and that it's got worse since you have become SAHM.
He does sound abusive and can see why you feel you can't leave not having a job. A big worry for alot of women who want to leave is what happens when the child has to go and stay with the father on their own. Can see why you would worry about that.
OP, has he always been an idiot ? Could things be improved upon ? is it worth suggesting counselling ? Sometimes, hearing how unreasonable and controlling you are being from a counselling puts a stop to this type of thing and can get things back on a more even keel ?

Kick him out, this is blatant financial abuse. It's not HIS money, it's FAMILY money.

Benefits are there as a safety net for this sort of situation. You wouldn't starve or end up on the street. Trust me, any hardship of being alone is far outweighed by being away from such a selfish wanker.

And yeah, he's a big boy, he can bllody buy his own medicine.

I feel so sad for you.

As I said upthread, dh earns 16k and I'm a sahm and we have 200 each spending money a month. How can it be fair that your dh earns 70k and you have only double and a bit that?? That's madness.

Please get out and be a single parent. It's better than this. I was a single parent for 6 years and once you've done it you never put up with crap again. It makes you stronger.

"He is a bully and there's no doubt in my mind that he's got worse since I became dependent on him."

Sadly, you are not alone in this experience. When people talk glibly about the equality that men and women share, I often think of situations like the OP's. Financial abuse seems very common, and unfortunately many women (who are the prime victims) seem resigned to accept it, since they have been culturally conditioned to be passive and dependent.

Good for you to be looking for a job. I urge you to redouble your efforts in this regard. And then get yourself and your child the hell away from this repulsive bully.

The more I think about you the more I realise that everything is revealed by your thread title. Your H instructed you in what he wanted done he did not ask.
As someone who has kicked the B out what do you do? You document everything now and after he has gone. If you suspect he is hurting your DS you document including photos and then raise co-parenting concerns in writing with you. This shows your concern and quite frankly covers your arse. Yes it will make him angry because he will be wrong, but by that stage he is at the end of a phone or email.
You will survive not being with him I have and my life is much better.

I'm so sad reading this. what makes a human being treat another in this way? How could you see anyone, let alone someone you love struggle. What has happened to make him like this? Was he always like this?

OP, you need help, this situation is dire. Please seek it. There is loads of it out there. You CAN do it i promise you. Where are you based geographically?

this man is wasting your time. but more importantly he's wasting the time of the man who wants to give you the shirt off his back.

Confused...his salary is household income, no?

Having read most of this the prescription thing is absurd and disgraceful. But I don't think one can say 70k is a fortune without knowing more about your outgoings.

You say he gies you £500 for motoring expenses, clothes and a bit of food - I think that was right. Do you run two cars; one of which is yours?

How much does your DH pay each month for:

Mortgage, council tax, gas, elec, phone, water, sky, fares, house insurance, life insurance, food bill, holiday, etc, etc.?

I can't form a View about this overall without that info.

When I didn't work I bought what we needed: food, clothes, petrol, softplay, spends, etc. And I put the receipts/note spent in a box and he wrote me a cheque at the end of the month. But he never ever questioned. But I am very careful about spends.

As far as CB goes, I claim and DH takes the tax hit.

I would do some courses in the meantime.

Also use the time to do detective work - when you leave it would be good to have a good idea of what money he has and where - he sounds the type to hide it - if you can't go now then you want to be ready to go with everything in place when you go so he doesn't have the chance

I knew this would be an abusive husband thread before I even opened it

ASDA do a perfectly good own brand antihistamine £1 for 14.

OP, re: this one of those fathers that hurts their children just so the mother can't have them

I know he is a bully. But you say he has never been physically abusive t you or DC. So, the above possibility is, at the moment, a pretty far-fetched thing to worry about. I point it out b/c I think you are letting your fears control you without looking to see how realistic those fears are. And why? B/c he's made fear part of your normal daily life, and now it seems reasonable to you to see everything somewhat fearfully.

I don't know if you should leave him or not, b/c I don't know if he would be willing to change how he treats you. The current situation, though, is not acceptable. It's not normal to have to see everything through a lens of worry and fear. You can't live like that. And you won't want your DC to grow up adopting that lens as well.

£70k is a fortune, if their outgoings are more they need to find a way to reduce them for sure, but there is no denying £70k is a very high salary, even to support family of 3.