AIBU to give my DD £20/week and tell her to cater for herself?

[twofingerstoGideon]

OK, this is sort of lighthearted, but I'm semi-seriously considering it...

My 16 yo DD 'can't' tell me if she'll be home in time for dinner apparently. There are only two of us in our household and after a busy day at work I'd be happy to eat a slice of cheese on toast or a bowl of meusli or something quick and easy. Instead, I have always made a 'proper' meal, which DD and I eat together.

Nowadays she 'can't say' what time she'll arrive home, so WIBU to forget about catering for her, give her £20/week and tell her to sort herself out, saving endless arguments? As she wouldn't dream of clearing up after herself, washing dishes, etc., this would have to be done with the proviso that all meals must be eaten outside the house.

AIBU?

I'm about ten years away from this, so don't lamp me, but if she can't tell you when she'll be back, those are the nights you have muesli or toast and she does the same, and if she can tell you (by 5pm or whatever), those are the nights you cook.

I'm Mnetting whilst my 18 year old is hoovering the sitting room, the front room and the hall.
I cooked tonight, so he gets to wash up. I pay for the shopping and he puts it all away. That's how things work here.
When DD comes home from Uni, she gets to clean the bathroom and do any ironing necessary. That's OH's job usually.
I learned this from my mother who had three children and reckoned that everyone should do their bit.

Yes, that does explain a lot

Great post(s) by MumnGran

Can I give you a tale of hope OP ?
My ds is 16 too - a year older than your dd I think, having just done his AS levels. I can relate to all the lack of awareness of time thing, and he's been 'let off' chores he would normally be expected to do over the last few months, quite a lot, as and I never thought I'd hear myself say this he has actually been doing a lot of work for his ASs, as well as doing a part time job, and the stuff he does through Scouts. His bedroom is permanently full of corckery, glasses, cutlery etc., and I too thought he didn't know how to wash up. However, he's now finished his exams, but all his friends are still revising. On Tuesday, I went out to do a few errands, got back to find he'd done all the washing up (there was a bit of a back log), done all the drying up and putting away, had emptied the dishwasher, and peeled a load of veg and potatoes for tea - all without being asked . He then cooked us a lovely dinner, and then cooked again the next night - he just said "well, I can now, I've got nothing to do this week".

Just wanted to let you know your lovely dd is still in there, they just hibernate for a bit

They hibernate and sometimes they need a prod, but most teens are basically good eggs.

Slow cooker is your friend. I just got one and it'll keep food hot on auto for ages. So many recipes and so easy to use. She can dip in when she comes home and if not it'll freeze or keep in the fridge.

Backforgood

.... well, I never thought I'd see the day, so if he did it, I'm sure they all can ...

Today, he slept in, until about 2, then went out to his job for an hour or so, came home, upset his sisters, and has gone out again.... normal service resumed

One of the other critical posters doesnt actually have any children yet,according to her previous posts.

2nd coming: one word. fostering.

Faberge hahahahahahahah!

I think I may have been that pompous and self-righteous once.

If my teens were not in for the time that I wanted to make a meal, then they arranged their own meals from whatever was in the house. They both survived quite well. They were not particularly good at clearing up after themselves but would do it if I prodded them a bit. They are both lovely independent, capable, considerate adults now.

i.e. damage limitation after parents who couldn't/wouldn't be there with the emphasis on arriving at the finish line with a person equipped to cope.

Ah no, my mistake.

I went on strike last time my 8 year old refused to help. Started in the middle of dinner - which went cold before I let him dish it up himself. Lasted a day and a half, he was running around like mad trying to make up for it cos he needed a lift for scouts!

Thanks for that advice - my usually very helpful DS (8) is suddenly starting to be too busy to help - I get the feeling things may change.

OP - I agree with those saying don't cook - have stuff she can make. Just make it clear the stuff is to last a week so if she just throws stuff together without any care she'll be hungry by the end of it!

This is what I do with my 2 of 21 and 19 I cook for me and my husband and they cook for themselves or each other or sometimes all of us if they are feeling kind, if they don't clear up after themselves I unplug the broadband and within seconds they come running to see what is the problem, clean up and I plug it back in and of they go to the kitchen if they go out and leave a mess I take the broadband to bed with me so they get home to no facebook at midnight, they soon catch on, my son of 21 is brill now, just my husband I have to train now!!

The broadband stealing works a treat. Glad I'm not the only one who's done it.

There are people in this world who simply believe that they know exactly how things should be done, and that deviation from those narrow parameters must indicate sub-standard performance.

They are also inclined to be the self righteous,"knowledgeable", types who proclaim their beliefs loudly in a welter of condemnatory statements concerning alternative concepts - regardless of facts

There is simply no point in arguing.

One might perhaps point out (to interested observers) that experience gained solely on association with dysfunctional broken families, may not give the most solid evidential base on which to formulate judgements relating to normal healthy family dynamics. Nor, it should be noted, should normal healthy families dealing with normal healthy teenagers feel undermined by having their parenting likened to that which results in children being removed by the State.

Faber ......I am so pleased to hear that your 2nd child is due, and very much look forward to hearing from you in 2029

I had a 22 year old flatmate who never washed up, she is a married woman with a good job and mortgage now but according to her husband she still doesn't wash up We still love her though!

Very pompous gran. Interesting that you don't like to fight other people's battles...you seem to have come back here to have a flounce and rake it all up again when others had left.

One might like to remember that children are just children. Children from broken homes are just as 'normal' and it's rather offensive to suggest otherwise. Shame on you for doing so. Also, my family dynamic is absolutely 'normal' and 'healthy'. It's very plain that you see yourself as better than all those 'dysfunctional broken families' I expect you imagine they give their kids £20 and tell them not to come home at teatime

Any parent who is precious enough to think that their 'normal healthy family' problems are somehow more trivial or 'naicer' than a family requiring support from social services needs a lesson in humility and a reality check. Yes, there are extra complications to fostering but at the end of the day they are children with battles over boundary-related issues, just like anyone else. The difference is that you know this child is going to need to survive at age 18, possibly in a flat on their own. But there is a consensus here about the value of independence so that shouldn't be an issue.

I don't know where the information on my profile is coming from. I don't have a two year old and am definitely not pregnant.

2nd coming: You are deliberately slow-witted when you want to avoid acknowledging someone else's point. It was perfectly obvious that I was referring to being a foster parent in response to your claiming I had no knowledge of parenting teens. Also, speaking to other posters about me, as if I cannot hear and you are addressing an audience...very chalet school. That's all I'm saying. Not even chalet school. Mallory Towers.

I don't have a two year old and am definitely not pregnant. ,dont know about the pregnant part but if you dont have a two year old then youve been posting porkies.

Not sure if this has been suggested but could you perhaps batch cook a few meals and freeze them in single portions. You could freeze portions of bolognaise so she only has to cook the pasta or freeze portions of lasagne. Anything really that she likes eating that can then be safely defrosted in the microwave.

'I don't know where the information on my profile is coming from. I don't have a two year old and am definitely not pregnant. '

It's coming from information you've freely shared on the site, your DD is almost two? It's only natural as the parent of challenging teenagers to wonder what actual experience posters have of the realities of your situation when they set out their opinions, especially if those opinions are uncompromising and seem simplistic.
Although, of course, as an anonymous poster, you are free to invent as many details as you choose to.
One of my siblings was a very pompous professional, crammed with advice until they became the parent of a child who never seemed to sleep, come what may.. My other sibling had been all for total freedom of the individual until reality broke the rose-tinted glasses. I was a very opinionated teacher who didn't understand why parents didn't do all the things they should, and why their organisation was poor.
Then I had children...

yes, I'm still opinionated. But usually on stuff I have some experience of.